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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give DH's dinner to the kids....

108 replies

crappyspammyname · 15/02/2011 19:02

.......and tell him to sort himself out.

Dinner already to go, he likes to eat dinner with us all after work so I always have the dinner done for when he gets in.

He phoned me just now, when I was expecting him to walk in the door, saying he won't be home for another 2 hours, a late stay in the office. Not a problem, but a phonecall maybe earlier, so I can sort his out too. He'll get in and moan how hungry he is and expect me to have his dinner ready. Well tough, I have to put the kids to bed.

The dinner will spoil so I'm going to give his share to the kids and not leave him cold left overs.

So with such a trivial matter AIBU?

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 16/02/2011 16:32

Ephiny - she says in her OP that she 'always has the dinner done for when he gets in'. So even she is acknowledging that she is the cook (for that meal, at least) - and given that this is their usual practice, then he is not unreasonable in expecting a meal when he gets home from work!

spidookly · 16/02/2011 17:08

"given that this is their usual practice, then he is not unreasonable in expecting a meal when he gets home from work!"

So rather than be grateful to have a lovely wife who cooks a family meal every day, he should just take her for granted, assign her as the cook, and expect her to make two meals on the days he misses dinner (in this case with no notice at all)?

Seriously?

What I'm hearing from this thread is that men are more important than women, that earning a wage is more important than looking after children, that being considerate and helpful to your partner justifies them taking you for granted, and that it is a "punishment" for a grown man to have to arrange his own food (once he is married and therefore has a skivvy to look after all those considerations for him).

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 16/02/2011 17:11

I am not saying he should take her for granted or fail to be grateful - I expect my dh to mow the lawns and sort out the diy and car related jobs round the house - and I am grateful to him when he does.

PigletJohn · 16/02/2011 19:02

"spidookly Wed 16-Feb-11 17:08:50

What I'm hearing from this thread is that ... it is a "punishment" for a grown man to have to arrange his own food"

Then you are hearing things that have not been said and your prejudices are leading you astray.

I said she was going to punish her husband for working late, by actively choosing to get rid of food instead of leaving it for him to heat up.

Just to check, if a SAHD has cooked, do you approve of him chucking it in the bin if mum is unexpectedly working late?

Acanthus · 16/02/2011 19:05

Just plate it up and let him microwave it later

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/02/2011 19:08

PigletJohn... Absolutely! I'm getting a bit irritated with the mis-hearing from some on this forum.

So unreasonable... it's a miracle if they have any partner, male or female. What's wrong with sorting out jobs between you, to your strengths? My husband never cooks - I can't make a cup of tea to save my life. It works for us. I suspect the OP was just having a drama-llama moment... it's turned into a womens' 'movement' somehow. Hmm

spidookly · 16/02/2011 19:18

Right, we should all work to our stengths - women as skivvies and men doing a few odd jobs when they have time.

Repeating that she should have left food for him ignores her clear statement that what had been made wouldn't keep.

What is at issue is whether she should be expected to make him another dinner, as he expects she should (having failed to get home for dinner or give any notice that he would not make it).

She is not "the cook". She is a person who has cooked dinner. That the dinner can't be eaten should not mean she has to cook again.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/02/2011 19:23

Spidookly, I read through your first response on this thread and instantly knew it must be you even though I'd not checked the poster's name.

On the evidence from here and elsewhere you seem to be very angry about gender roles in general. What's that all about?

nooka · 17/02/2011 04:25

I think spidookly is spot on. Some of the posts on this thread sound like they have come through a time warp from the 1950s! The OP said that if she had had some warning she would have been able to sort out a late meal for him, but as it is all the food had been cooked and is ready to eat (and presumably is now long since eaten). Plus presumably the dh helps with putting the children to bed, so she'll be taking up the slack there too.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/02/2011 04:35

I still want to know what the meal was.

Anyway, I agree with spidookly et al, assuming that the meal genuinely wouldn't keep. And FFS, "many women would be grateful for a nice husband" when the only information we have about this husband is that he works late sometimes, moans if his dinner isn't there, and expects it to be. Doesn't sound nice to me, sounds like an entitled git.

My husband's out late tonight, and I will make something that he can come home later and heat through, but that's because it's a regular thing, I know in advance, and it's a nice thing to do. In the OP's case, she's been told with no notice, effectively, that she will be expected to make a second dinner at her busiest time of the evening (bedtime).

Why is it easier to cook if you've been looking after your children than if you've been working?

  • personally, I plan to cook on the days I'm home and not on the days I'm out at work, because if I'm home I can start dinner earlier, or do it in stages when things are quiet. On work days, my daughter is over the moon to have me home, and has no intention at all of letting go of my leg for long enough for me to chop an onion.

That could be all that was meant, there.

manicbmc · 17/02/2011 08:19

Agree with Spidookly. I tend to plan meals as it makes life easier so anyone being very late back from work/school may put a spanner in the works depending on what I had cooked. Had the OP's dh given her a bit of proper warning then she would have been able to sort something else out but I don't see why she should be expected to.

Having said that, if my dp was late back I'd probably still cook him something but that's because I'm soft like that and because he would do the same for me if the situation was reversed.

It's a lot about respect.

Trifle · 17/02/2011 08:30

I cant think of a single meal that wont 'keep'. We eat at 6 and his meal is plated up and put in the micro ready to heat up when he gets in. He gets home from work anytime between 8 - 9 pm at the earliest. He is that knackered he doesnt care if the pasta is not quite as al dente as it should be or his chicken is slightly dry. He just wants to eat something hot there and then, not have to wait for it and definately not start cooking something from scratch. It's hardly gourmet bloody cuisine, me thinks you are being far too precious about a bit of food.

thekidsmom · 17/02/2011 08:37

I'm with you, trifle - what on earth doesnt keep???

We reheat just about everything here - when your kids are teenagers you just have to go with the flow of when they're in and when they're not - things are eaten cold or after a zap in the microwave.

And then they're taken to school to be heated up in the microwave there for the next day's lunch...

manicbmc · 17/02/2011 08:45

But what if the OP's dh expects a meal that hasn't been reheated? I know men like that.

cjdamoo · 17/02/2011 09:01

then manic you know some shitty men

squeakytoy · 17/02/2011 09:03

The only thing I can think of that wouldnt re-heat is a fry up... and that would only be the egg. Takes 2 minutes to fry an egg.

manicbmc · 17/02/2011 09:10

Cj I was married to a shitty man Wink

iscream · 17/02/2011 09:10

Why would you do that?

My dh would put mine in the fridge and I'd zap it when I got home. And vice versa.

2rebecca · 17/02/2011 09:11

If the food wouldn't keep then my bloke would just make himself pasta and pesto or an omlette when he gets home or I'd tell him dinner wouldn't keep and he'd get fish and chips on the way home. I wouldn't cook a special late night meal for him. We often have things on an evening that mean one of us doesn't eat until late. The late person sorts themself out.
We always keep some quick and easy food to cook in the house because of this.

2rebecca · 17/02/2011 09:13

Agree there's very little that won't microwave. Microwaved spag carbonara is OK if you put it in a container and in fridge to stop the spagetti going hard.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 17/02/2011 09:18

Erm - surely it is easier to cook if you have been at home looking after the dc than if you have been out at work, because you have had more time in the proximity of the kitchen?

And, as a sahm, I tended to have a far better idea of what was in the fridge or freezer, so would have been better placed to think of something quick that could be cooked when my dh got home late than he would - even if he then cooked it himself.

BlueCollie · 17/02/2011 09:26

I am always so speechless at women who think it is acceptable for a man not to be able to look after himself in the most basic way i.e. feed themselves. Sometimes reading these threads I may as well be in the 1950's.
My DH would never expect me to cook him something if he is going to be late. I would plate him something up though.

LibraPoppyGirl · 17/02/2011 09:31

I think maybe that as the OP hasn't been back, she was having a shitty day, had a rant (as everyone does from time to time), sees that she has now started a whole debate (amusing as it may be in places) and has now even gone so far as to name change Wink

FWIW my DP works 12 hour shifts usually, which can vary, I never know the exact time he'll be home and the very nature of his job means he can't always call and let me know. If he's not here when dinner is ready, it gets plated to reheat. I wouldn't even consider not doing this and it has nothing to do with gender, it's purely because, I wouldn't done to me.

As for the food not keeping, I never cook anything on a work day that could not be reheated. DP does 6 days on and 3 days off, so working days vary. If I do do something that needs to be eaten fresh, I save those meals for when we're together.

Cooking can sometimes take up time yes. I'd get a slow cooker. One of the best pressies my Mum ever bought me and only £12 in Tesco Wink.

As for DP doing any cooking? He can't cook for love nor money but I keep him busy with lots of other jobs Smile.

coldtits · 17/02/2011 09:32

I would cook him something simple.

Not becaue I should, but because it's nice.

And I would expect a lot of gratitude.

Chandon · 17/02/2011 09:32

am still really curious as to what meal would not "keep", I cannot think of anything...