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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

struggling to be pleasant to pil

110 replies

ledkr · 15/02/2011 15:27

Mnay of you know my story but briefly.
Pil live aboiut 2.5 hrs away and like to visit which involves staying but doing and contributing sod all and staying until 7pm Sunday despite me having work and dcs school on Sunday.
I have just had dd2 and we asked that they not stay on the first night home from hospital as we wanted a quiet house(i had a section)They ignored our request and engineered being here,ignored my tears and shouted at dh when he suggested they leave and demanded food even tho id not even had a drink.
They left at 10.30 at night,i went to bed at 12.30 2 days post section!
The next day my baby was re admitted with a cleft palate and secondary pneumonia.We were in hopspital for over a week.We had amazing suport from my family and our friends,taking dd1 to school and cooking and cleaning whilst we at the hospital.
Pil didnt even phone
Dh and i had "words" and agreed that we would be setting the rules from now on he also agreed that they wbu.
Now theres nothing to do the baby is ok,they want to decend on us at half term,i have3 told dh a big no as we need some time with dd1 who had all the worry and also was pushed from pillar o post whilst we were with the baby,wanted to have lie ins,meals out and day trips.
I said they can come this weekend and stay till Tues,but my problem is i just cant let go of my anger,i felt really down today for the first time,i have an infection in my scar and just cant be arsed with them sitting around and eating all my food.I want to be nice for dh sake but i am seriously struggling and am worried my hormones will let me down.
wwyd?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 15/02/2011 15:30

Just tell them you are not yet up to visit and that perhaps you could arrange something in a few years weeks.

Chil1234 · 15/02/2011 15:32

YANBU to want to spend half-term with your children and enjoy the break. They sound like very hard work so cancel the visit. Tell the in-laws, 'now's not a good time'.... but that you'll invite them at Easter perhaps. Make the visits fit your timetable rather than theirs.

Lucy85 · 15/02/2011 15:35

Say you're not up to it - you already have plans, and you have a NEW BABY FFS

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 15/02/2011 15:36

Your DH should tell them no. Make him Ask him to stand up for you.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 15/02/2011 15:46

Show him this and ask him to support you. He needs to before you end up spiraling down into PND. They can wait till Easter at least and give you a break from their fuckwittery.

strawberrycake · 15/02/2011 15:49

I'm normally up for visits, but in those circumstances I would say Easter is a better time for me.

Which Easter that came to be depends on their future behaviour.

BlueCollie · 15/02/2011 16:00

I'd tell them they can come down for one day. 2.5 hours is not that long a drive to do and I have done longer in one day.
In fact they sound that awful tbh come and stay with me to escape them and you can put your feet up

MintyMoo · 15/02/2011 16:21

YANBU - they are being well cheeky. You can't ignore your DIL and your newborn grandchild when they've been admitted to hospital for a week and then expect to stay with them for a week afterwards. No way.

JingleMum · 15/02/2011 16:23

i agree with bluecollie why can't they just come down for a day? 2.5 hrs is not that far to drive.

i hope you're feeling better soon. concentrate on your own little family, don't waste your time stressing about them. x

LindyHemming · 15/02/2011 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tulpe · 15/02/2011 16:24

ledkr what is your nightmare PILs (and other relatives) who stayed the entire christmas period and you had to ask them to leave? Or am I confusing you with some other poor MNer?

Anyway, regardless, say a big fat no and stick to it. They sound like a total nightmare. You clearly need to continue to rest. Do not sacrifice your sanity, health and DD1s happiness (ie for her to have a relaxed mummy) for the sake of another adults' wishes.

They need to grow up and understand that to be part of a family involves give and take. They can't just impose themselves upon others.

tulpe · 15/02/2011 16:25

was it not What is.

Jobseeker · 15/02/2011 16:29

Tell them No. Do NOT answer the door to them.

Take care of you and the baby.

JamieLeeCurtis · 15/02/2011 16:30

So you've said No to half-term, but they can come this weekend as a compromise?

TBH, I think you should not see them again for a while. They sound terribly selfish. Just say NO. You are not well and are not up for guests. If they protest, well maybe now is the time for your DH t tell them a few home truths.... I'm not very assertive myself, but I think in your circumstances I could summon up the courage

Teenybitsad · 15/02/2011 16:32

Ledkr...how is your baby now? I'v name changed but was on your thread when she was in hospital...

SOrry to derail you thread about PILS!

saffy85 · 15/02/2011 16:32

YANBU. Tell them (actually make your DH do it) that you plans. Which you do- you plan to have a stress free wee, with your own little family and no freeloading selfish shouty people are invited.

You've clearl;y had a hard time and while it sounds like your DH has been fairly supportive he needs to definately grow a pair and say no to his parents. I'm always at people like your PIL tbh. utterly thoughtless and selfish.

Guacamole · 15/02/2011 16:33

You poor thing! I don't know what to say, you sound like you're really trying to compromise and meet them half way and they're being complete arses about it.
From now on try to stand firm, your priority is you DH and DCs not your PILs. Your DH needs to be firm with them!

My SIL is a teacher and has descended on us every half term since DS was born. I've informed DH that she needs to know she can't just invite herself over every half term, especially once I return to work, we may have plans of our own!

JamieLeeCurtis · 15/02/2011 16:34

In your situation, I would only accept visits from people who were there explictly to help me.

skybluepearl · 15/02/2011 16:44

just tell them you are not up to caring/cooking for them as you are so exhausted and need to give your children all your attention due to how hectic it's been. just be honest and if they turn up they can expect nothing.

pommedeterre · 15/02/2011 17:01

Nope nope nope. Oooo you/dh/dd1 have a terrible infectious d and v bug suddenly. Now ay can they visit.
Awww what a shame.
Maybe you'll be non infectious by summer.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 15/02/2011 17:06

No, I think it's too soon for you tbh

loscann · 15/02/2011 17:08

I would worry if you tell them they can come until Tues that they might again engineer some excuse to stay longer.

LittleOneMum · 15/02/2011 17:11

Say no (end of). I had an infection in my scar too and I can tell you that it can become very serious very quickly (I almost died). Please do not have anyone else in the house to look after!

(and I also agree with what everyone else has said!)

southmum · 15/02/2011 18:00

No way.

They sound like total bell ends.

Original poster

ledkr · 15/02/2011 18:40

teensy are you any fucker,she has name changed?Baby is doing great thanks.Will need surgery tho but i have lots of great advice on mn.
thanks all,its nice to know its not me.The prob is that dh is so lovely and obviously loves his parents,he only saw them the night we came home and that was awful.Its his first child and i dont want to deprive him of showing her off to them.The compromise was till Mon or Tues,they will be on a lilo as no spare room and i will not be doing anything for them at all so not such a good thing for them.I am also going out for a bit with the dds saturday and again Monday morning for dds hospital app.dh has aggreed that we will say we are off to stay with friends Tuesday so they will fuck off go home.I will be staying in bed in mornings and going up early too due to recovery and the fact the worm has well and truly turned.

OP posts:

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