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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

struggling to be pleasant to pil

110 replies

ledkr · 15/02/2011 15:27

Mnay of you know my story but briefly.
Pil live aboiut 2.5 hrs away and like to visit which involves staying but doing and contributing sod all and staying until 7pm Sunday despite me having work and dcs school on Sunday.
I have just had dd2 and we asked that they not stay on the first night home from hospital as we wanted a quiet house(i had a section)They ignored our request and engineered being here,ignored my tears and shouted at dh when he suggested they leave and demanded food even tho id not even had a drink.
They left at 10.30 at night,i went to bed at 12.30 2 days post section!
The next day my baby was re admitted with a cleft palate and secondary pneumonia.We were in hopspital for over a week.We had amazing suport from my family and our friends,taking dd1 to school and cooking and cleaning whilst we at the hospital.
Pil didnt even phone Angry
Dh and i had "words" and agreed that we would be setting the rules from now on he also agreed that they wbu.
Now theres nothing to do the baby is ok,they want to decend on us at half term,i have3 told dh a big no as we need some time with dd1 who had all the worry and also was pushed from pillar o post whilst we were with the baby,wanted to have lie ins,meals out and day trips.
I said they can come this weekend and stay till Tues,but my problem is i just cant let go of my anger,i felt really down today for the first time,i have an infection in my scar and just cant be arsed with them sitting around and eating all my food.I want to be nice for dh sake but i am seriously struggling and am worried my hormones will let me down.
wwyd?

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 15/02/2011 18:41

Tell them you are looking forward to seeing them, because the infection in your scar, and the fact that you have had a major abdominal operation and a baby mean that you are able to do very little housework, and you know that they will be longing to pitch in and help you with cooking and cleaning etc. [evil Grin ] emoticon!

happygilmore · 15/02/2011 18:50

They should be staying in a hotel at the very least!! I don't think you're BU at all, I think it would be better if they didn't come til Easter as others have suggested or if not for the day/one night in a hotel. No way should they be staying with you.

Original poster
ledkr · 15/02/2011 18:52

sdtg yes thats a good idea,i was going to harp on about how fabulous my family and friends have been.I am so petty im even running the food down,cheeky sods dont even bring a loaf or pint of milk.The sight of fil,crushing down his shredded wheat in the bowl to make room for some museli on top makes me want to kill him.grrr

OP posts:
jenga079 · 15/02/2011 18:55

Having read your second post I think you have to honour the agreement that they can come until Tues for your DH's sake (and because presumably you want them to have some involvement with their GC). However, make sure you don't do anything for them. Don't cook, don't make tea, don't sort out beds. Get them used to the idea that you are poorly and they need to look after you. Have a friend on standby so you can escape for a few hours if they start annoying you.
Good luck, I hope you feel better soon.

mewantcookiesmenocanwait · 15/02/2011 19:47

When they arrive, make sure you're still in your pyjamas and are therefore ill and need looking after.

HalfTermHero · 15/02/2011 19:51

You are being walked all over and treated like dirt - no respect given for your feelings at all. I would pil that you do not want visits for the forseeable future. You will let them know when it is appropriate for them to come over. Don't compromise. Do what is right for and your children.

bamboobutton · 15/02/2011 19:59

a very uncomfortable bed is the best way to deter house guests.

a few nights of their aged hips jutting into the floor and they'll bugger off.

keep their room cold and only give them 4tog duvets too.

NancyDrewHadaClue · 15/02/2011 20:00

ledkr your pils sound a bit like my parents. The only way to keep sane is avoid avoid avoid.

Tell your DH that everything is too much for you at the moment. You have just had a baby and the opening weeks have been extraordinarily stressful. You are neither rested nor relaxed and you need time to recover both physically and emotionally.

Once you have explained this to your DH get him to call his parents and explain it is just too much at the moment and cancel the visit.

Don't feel any guilt.

PS (sorry for hijack) we "chatted" ages ago on baby name thread did you name DD as you had planned. My DD will be here in two weeks and I am still undecided...

JamieLeeCurtis · 15/02/2011 20:11

bamboo - you are a Machiavellian genius. I like it

GloriaSmut · 15/02/2011 20:16

Tell them to wait until Easter. By that time you'll be ready to accommodate them. If they throw a tantrum, tough shit.

You need some peace and quiet to settle dd1, recover from the unexpected readmission to hospital and get over your section and infected scar.

None of this can be achieved by a visit from these demanding people.

GloriaSmut · 15/02/2011 20:18

Have just read your second post (had to sort small crisis downstairs half-way through replying) and can see why you may have to put up with them. But do keep it strictly to the terms discussed with your dh.

pinkpolkadot · 15/02/2011 20:21

I feel your pain op, I had second dc 2 weeks ago and I expilicitly told my pil that it was too much for them to come to stay for a week like they did after dc 1 was born. They are exactly the same as yours, no help, bloody annoying and selfish and we also don't have a spare room. I told them as like your dh mine doesn't want to upset them, we have already had the grow a pair discussion but to no avail. They live abroad so can't just pop in but still, I really don't want them to stay for a couple of weeks until we are more sorted.

Guess what? They arrive on thurs... Brilliant

Tanith · 15/02/2011 20:41

These days, if I have to scare up a smile for my PIL, I imagine them in that SpecSavers advert with the rollercoaster. Never fails! Grin

Op, I do think you have to postpone this visit until you're recovered. Use any excuse you have to and get your DH to tell them.

Original poster
ledkr · 15/02/2011 20:57

Nancy yes i remember was it Ivy? No i went with Delilah Ivy Emmeline in the end,are you going for it?
pink glad its not me,when i saw mil shout at dh that she "needed more than a sandwhich*
whilst me and his new daughter sat on sofa i wnated to kick her sorry arse but saw the look on his face and thought-its not worth upseting him.Not letting her ruin my good marriage.
I am a seriously gobby and assertive woman but even i am at a loss,dh told them severaltimes we were having a quiet evening with dds and some fish and chips,she even recounted this to the midwife at the hospital.They were meant to go home straight aftger visiting at the hospital but engineered coming back to the house by "leaving a few things there" Its a pity cos as i predicted when pg,if they dont give me my first night home then ill bear a grudge forever and i certainly feel grudgy now,will really struggle to be pleasant even for dh sake-Sad

OP posts:
notmyproblem · 15/02/2011 22:25

Repeat after me:

"People can only take advantage of you if you let them."

and

"The person who cares the least about the situation controls it."

Therefore...

STOP caring about how they feel (and by extension how your DH feels -- frankly if he can't tell them to GET OUT after they "engineered leaving a few things" at your place in order to stay over, then he doesn't deserve you to consider his feelings either). Care less about offending them than they do about using you and magically you won't mind telling them to fuck off back home or better yet don't come in the first place.

Tell them NO. Tell yourself (over and over) that you don't care anymore about them, you don't care, you don't care... they are like telemarketers on the phone, cold callers at the door, only there to take advantage of you if you let them. You'd have no problem politely and firmly telling people like that to go away, right?

At least for the next little while as you recover. Once you're back on your feet again and have the strength to be more diplomatic, you can revisit how you deal with them.

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 15/02/2011 22:31

YANBU! Shock Shock

lalabaloo · 15/02/2011 22:35

I really feel for you on this one, after reading your other post I think you should refuse point blank to do anything for them, if you can ask a couple of your friends to come over and make a huge fuss of looking after you since you are still really ill that could help as well. I second the stay in your pjs suggestion, because they don't seem bothered about how you are so you need to make it super obvious you are not yourself. If it all gets too much make sure they LEAVE IMMEDIATELY, you need to recover and you can't do that if you ate stressed.

Inertia · 15/02/2011 22:41

I'd have said no to all visits, but it sounds as though the visit for this weekend is a done deal. Therefore you need to plan accordingly. Now is the time to contact them with a list of demands requests for help.

Thank them profusely for offering to come and help at such a tricky time; this is the rota of jobs that needs doing and you've allocated them, but obviously they can feel free to take on extra tasks too. Foodwise, everybody eats X,Y Z, and DH will of course lend a hand in the kitchen- they can either bring the food with them or do a shop once they arrive. The cleaning products and hoover are ready and waiting. Naturally, they'll need to bring their own bedding/airbeds.

And it's lovely that you are so considerate of your DH's feelings, but he seriously needs to back you up here.

brass · 15/02/2011 22:42

you need to heal and bond as a family after the various traumas. The resentment will not go away and the slightest transgression on their part will be severely magnified and cause an even wider rift if you allow them to descend.

Give them a very wide berth until you are all rested and stronger and can process what has happened to you.

And you are right your DD needs time with her mum and dad having had a disturbed few days so she can adjust to her new sibling. She didn't ask for any of this and they should both be your priority not the PILs.

Dropdeadfred · 15/02/2011 22:45

why cant they stay in a hotel??

Dropdeadfred · 15/02/2011 22:46

and if it really is a done deal can you at least call them and forewarn them that there will be no catering taking place?

brass · 15/02/2011 22:52

Oh and please don't ESCAPE from your own home while you are healing. If there is any chance at all that you may be made to feel like that they should not be coming anywhere near you.

This will fester and the anger will bite you further down the line. Please stick up for yourself now and avoid emotional issues later.

They're not worth it and do not have your (or your DC's) best interests at heart.

Original poster
ledkr · 15/02/2011 22:59

I could cry reading this you know,i am so busy trying to be nice that i forget about me.I just told dh that he needs to remember that its still early days for me and i dont want house full for days on end,he as usual said ok ill sort it but ive heard it before,i think he has always been very compliant with his parents and it alien for him to do otherwise.I have told him that they need to be gone by Monday.I am thinking that if this doesnt happen i will tell him that either i will get a friend to collect us and leave,or i will ask them to leave myself.i am not the weak little woman who came out of hospital 2 wks ago.
The question of the hotel has never really been explored,they just seem to assume its ok to stay as we do at theirs.It would have been nice if they had offered to at this time tho yes.
The day i got home from hospital their lilo was still upfrom staying the night before,i think they thought we'd give in and tell them to stay again.I actually feel something close to hate for them.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 15/02/2011 23:05

I feel really sorry for you Sad
But our dh really should be thinking more about your health and happiness than his parents right now....

brass · 15/02/2011 23:06

So examine those feelings and imagine how much worse you will feel if they do anything at all to piss you off. Let's face it, it wouldn't take much would it?

Negotiate the terms with your husband and make sure he sees it through. Hotel sounds like a fab idea actually, you can turf them out every evening and sleep tight (haha with a new baby!) knowing they're not under your roof. I bet that would really help.

I really think you are quite vulnerable at the moment and you will regret it if you don't look after yourself. You may resent your DH as well for not knowing better. Can. of. worms.

You can do it, can't you feel all of us behind you?

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