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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

struggling to be pleasant to pil

110 replies

ledkr · 15/02/2011 15:27

Mnay of you know my story but briefly.
Pil live aboiut 2.5 hrs away and like to visit which involves staying but doing and contributing sod all and staying until 7pm Sunday despite me having work and dcs school on Sunday.
I have just had dd2 and we asked that they not stay on the first night home from hospital as we wanted a quiet house(i had a section)They ignored our request and engineered being here,ignored my tears and shouted at dh when he suggested they leave and demanded food even tho id not even had a drink.
They left at 10.30 at night,i went to bed at 12.30 2 days post section!
The next day my baby was re admitted with a cleft palate and secondary pneumonia.We were in hopspital for over a week.We had amazing suport from my family and our friends,taking dd1 to school and cooking and cleaning whilst we at the hospital.
Pil didnt even phone Angry
Dh and i had "words" and agreed that we would be setting the rules from now on he also agreed that they wbu.
Now theres nothing to do the baby is ok,they want to decend on us at half term,i have3 told dh a big no as we need some time with dd1 who had all the worry and also was pushed from pillar o post whilst we were with the baby,wanted to have lie ins,meals out and day trips.
I said they can come this weekend and stay till Tues,but my problem is i just cant let go of my anger,i felt really down today for the first time,i have an infection in my scar and just cant be arsed with them sitting around and eating all my food.I want to be nice for dh sake but i am seriously struggling and am worried my hormones will let me down.
wwyd?

OP posts:
brass · 16/02/2011 14:16

You definitely sound on the up. Well done and stick to the plan. DH sounds as though he's on board too.

TheProvincialLady · 16/02/2011 14:21

Don't forget a pin to prick their soddng airbed. Could you arrange for the hamster to wee on it?

Original poster
ledkr · 16/02/2011 14:28

haha yes a nice slow puncture that renders them on the hard floor at around 2am.
brass i think dh will soon see for himself tnh,he is loving being a new dad and will relish his rare weekends off with us all and not want pil hanging around.
Long term plan is a smaller house and to go and see them instead,eat all their food and intrude on their days off.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 16/02/2011 14:32

oh, and leave takeaway menus on the coffee table and ell them to feel free to ring one in...but don't pay!!

brass · 16/02/2011 15:04

And when you are in the same room as them don't forget to be the princess because it is all about you.

I'm imagining you reclining on the sofa in Roman Emperor mode and asking them sweetly to fetch things for you.

JamieLeeCurtis · 16/02/2011 15:11

You sound lovely and supportive of your DH. Must be v hard for him too, with the baby's illness.

popcrackle · 16/02/2011 16:01

Well I suppose if you are set on them coming over then that is that and you are both in this together.

I have a sense that this will not end well.

But I hope it does work out well for you Ledkr I really really do.

It is just my opinion but if they are coming over and staying and you both agree to that then there is no point in showing them that are inappropriate. That is too much effort on your part and will only backfire on you. They obviously have no idea that they are being inappropriate. They would have to be pretty evil to impose themselves on someone recovering from major surgery, perhaps as you have hinted they want to support their son.

However, if it does go wrong then you can only move on and evaluate what you could do differently next time.

Good luck!

kaid100 · 16/02/2011 16:32

I get the feeling that whatever you and DH have previously arranged, they bulldoze him on the phone and he then, having puts the phone down, tells you that actually X is what will be happening and you acquiesce.

I think that not only does he need to stand up to them, you need to stand up to him. If he's told them that OK we will do X with you, you need to tell him to phone them back and tell them that on reflection it won't be possible to do X. If once he puts the phone down, X is still happening, simply tell him to phone again and say it isn't. You may have to go through this cycle a dozen times until both DH and PIL understand, but being calm yet firm will help.

NancyDrewHadaClue · 16/02/2011 18:52

Ledkr I hope it works out for you.

I think you are doing a great job of supporting your DH and considering his POV but you must not allow him to be walked over to teh extent that you, and ultimately your relationship with him suffers.

And your DD's name is lovely Grin - Iris is winning for us at the moment but will have to see...

NoobyHoHoHo · 16/02/2011 19:19

Ooooh Nancy - Iris was my Grandma's name - and she was a very very lovely lady. Good choice!

Eglu · 16/02/2011 19:30

Ledkr I do hope you get it sorted this time. I remember your last thread and you pil acted appallingly.

Original poster
ledkr · 16/02/2011 20:24

what some great posts on here thanks all.
kaid nothing has come as close as your post to describing the truth,if you knew him you would see why i seem a bit soft and to be fair he has taken on my dd and also my 3 grown up ds's who dont even live with us and he supports them,he helped my wayward one join the army!Hard then to make him fall out with his.
My best friend came earlier and i started crying so she made a point of having it out with dh,i ended up telling him they were fucking selfish to expect to stay here and that whilst i appreciate him not wanting to upset them he doesnt seem too bothered about upsetting me!He was gutted and told me i was his priority and rang them there and then and said they can come for a short weekend and that i am not well so they will have to help,of course they agreed but we shall see.
My friend warned him that if i end up with pnd his life will change drastcally.I think hes been told,have come to bed now for a rest and he has the baby,i will keep you psoted over the weekend but mark my words if they dont help i will lose it and blame the hormones.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 16/02/2011 20:30

Hurrah for your friend!

popcrackle · 16/02/2011 20:46

Ledkr so it sounds like they bully their son? If that is correct then no wonder he has trouble standing his ground. Anyone who has dealt with bullies knows how debilitating it can be, and if the bullies are your parents it must be especially tough.

I really think it is best they do not come.

If you or your good friend think their visit could have such an impact on you, such as pnd then they really should not come over.

I hope your friend will pop over when they arrive. She might talk some sense into them.

Original poster
ledkr · 16/02/2011 21:19

I think you are right pop.when i heard mil talk to him the night we came home i realised why he has not stood up to her before.They seem to think that grown dcs are still their children rather than grown adults with partners who need to be considered too.Sil lives with her bf and we always are taken to their flat when we visit regardless of time or day and they just ring on the way then we all trapse in and the bf just has to put up with it,same with bil and his partner.They have numerous "get togethers"such as for Grandpas birthday or Aunties fart and partners get slagged off for not attending.My friend will def be over,she is going to check on me and speak to them if they are not behaving.My Mum is also coming to make a point of doing some housework,dh cant wait on them cos baby needs special feeding which only he and i can do and regular medication as has cleft palate and reflux.I am also interested to see if they are actually interested in dd as they didnt seem to be when she was born or when she was ill.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 16/02/2011 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

popcrackle · 16/02/2011 21:36

You sound like you have been able to arrange enough support to get through it, if your mum and bf are in on what is happening.

I really think it is so mad of them to stay with your young baby, especially with the special feeding.

Original poster
ledkr · 16/02/2011 22:25

oooo stayfrosty "going out clubbing" sounds more tempting than being here with pil.haha.
I think im surprised how many of you agree with them shouldnt be staying,i was wondering if when sil has dcs it will be ok for her pil to stay with her etc.
I posted a while ago and got a mild flaming for not wanting them to stay and "bond" with dd i think that made me question myself,this has been a revealation and i wish i had said no staying earlier.I will suck it and see but tbh what ever happens its not as if its without warning.Hopefully it will pass by with no drama and dh,me and dds can get on with enjoying half term together.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 17/02/2011 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deezer · 17/02/2011 12:05

As alot of others No, easter better time.
Hope you feel better soon.

Eglu · 17/02/2011 18:31

I would think it wouldbe lovely for PIL to come and stay and see a new grandchild, if they were nice PIL who would help out and not impose on you. However they are not like that which is why everyone agrees with you Grin.

I'm glad you got things sorted with your DH, and hopefully he will have turned a corner.

Original poster
ledkr · 17/02/2011 19:48

Well....They rang today to say they cant come this weekend as have plans and would prefer to come for the week as previously requested Shock and Angry
dh told them that WE have plans too so they cant come.hoorah!
I am now more convinced than ever that they are not at all interested in DD they just want a holiday and free food and somewhere to go for the half term(mil is a teaching assistant)It will now be weeks until they see her.At least we get lots of free time now tho,

OP posts:
thelittlestkiwi · 17/02/2011 19:57

That sounds like a good result. Good on your OH! They really do take the piss. Stay firm.

jenga079 · 17/02/2011 20:04

Whoooooop!!!! Enjoy your break then Smile

Eglu · 17/02/2011 20:11

They do seem to really want everything their way. Glad your DH stood up to them. And really you needed this weekend in peace.

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