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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

struggling to be pleasant to pil

110 replies

ledkr · 15/02/2011 15:27

Mnay of you know my story but briefly.
Pil live aboiut 2.5 hrs away and like to visit which involves staying but doing and contributing sod all and staying until 7pm Sunday despite me having work and dcs school on Sunday.
I have just had dd2 and we asked that they not stay on the first night home from hospital as we wanted a quiet house(i had a section)They ignored our request and engineered being here,ignored my tears and shouted at dh when he suggested they leave and demanded food even tho id not even had a drink.
They left at 10.30 at night,i went to bed at 12.30 2 days post section!
The next day my baby was re admitted with a cleft palate and secondary pneumonia.We were in hopspital for over a week.We had amazing suport from my family and our friends,taking dd1 to school and cooking and cleaning whilst we at the hospital.
Pil didnt even phone Angry
Dh and i had "words" and agreed that we would be setting the rules from now on he also agreed that they wbu.
Now theres nothing to do the baby is ok,they want to decend on us at half term,i have3 told dh a big no as we need some time with dd1 who had all the worry and also was pushed from pillar o post whilst we were with the baby,wanted to have lie ins,meals out and day trips.
I said they can come this weekend and stay till Tues,but my problem is i just cant let go of my anger,i felt really down today for the first time,i have an infection in my scar and just cant be arsed with them sitting around and eating all my food.I want to be nice for dh sake but i am seriously struggling and am worried my hormones will let me down.
wwyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
ledkr · 15/02/2011 23:35

DH is so laid back and easy going and goes out of his way to keep the peace and not offend anyone,he tried really hard to put his foot down with his mum 2 wks ago and i watched her manipulate his kind nature,We spoke about it later and he kept apologising and saying he feels so torn cos he obviously loves his family.
I am scared of resenting him but also that he will resent me for making trouble between him and his parents.I have laid down my terms and will actually enjoy showing them how bloody inapropriate they are being,i have a lovely bedroom in the attic with tv and bathroom so me and dd's can retreat as often as possible.I intend to stand over dh tomorrow when he informs them when they need to be leaving and will tell him the outcome if he doesnt do it.
Trust me,if my infection doesnt get any better or dd's arent well they will not be coming and that is that.

OP posts:
brass · 15/02/2011 23:48

DH does sound lovely but at some point he does need to wake up to what is happening around him. You would be safeguarding your relationship by explaining how you feel this might ruin it forever with PIL if they are foisted upon you when you would rather some breathing space (and some bloody undivided care!). It really doesn't have to be a row with him.

Also he hasn't been through what your body is going through. 6 individual layers (if I'm correct) of healing not to mention hormones, milk coming in etc etc.

Please take care of yourself. You sound stronger already. Gotta love those hormones, they can be quite empowering too!

brass · 15/02/2011 23:50

I should get to bed. Good luck with everything, hope it goes smoothly for you all.

Original poster
ledkr · 15/02/2011 23:54

cheers brass,im in bed came up for shameless and a little mn,dd is a great sleeper,may try and keep this thread open so i can post at the weekend to moan.Thanks for all your advice tonight.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 16/02/2011 00:02

ledkr -can i be nosey and ask how the conversation went when they were asked not to come but said they were coming anyway???

Teenybitsad · 16/02/2011 00:04

Ledkr...no not AF! Grin Glad baby;s on the mend though!

StayFrosty · 16/02/2011 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissyKLo · 16/02/2011 04:32

Oh ledkr
So sorry you don't need this shit
You know what - they are selfish wankers
Say no to all stay overs for now - they are nit thinking of you at all and you need your time

If they don't like it tough - these visits will just depress you and def no to half term

I am so angry for you at their lazy selfish arses ways

Glad baby is better x

AngelsOnHigh · 16/02/2011 05:15

How did your Lovely laid back DH end up with the parents from hell?

Was he adopted?

Is this a case of Nature verses Nuture?

Just tell them you all have a contagious disease and then they wll stay away.

hopefulgum · 16/02/2011 07:41

Yes, I have used the "explosive diarrhea" excuse before and that kept the in-laws away. FIL is terrified of getting sick and it works a treat.

However, I do hope your DH can be brave and stick up for you.

Original poster
ledkr · 16/02/2011 08:12

Morning,glad to see nobody has flamed me for being selfish yet Grin

dropdead they just kind of ignore it but dh has to take responsibility for being vague and not very assertive.
Others will also know they also came to my wedding even tho it was just us-dh has to take blame for that too he felt guilty so told them and they just said they'd like to come and next thing they came!!
We were origionally going away for a few days at half term but changed our minds,decided to still tell them that but then dh said "knowing them they will just say they will come with us for the day" so we cant do that either.
They have been known to crash our holiday 3 times in a row involving an hr and a half drive to get there,on that occasion i opened a bottle at 11am and proceeded to get drunk in the hot tub muttering what i was going to say if they came,i was in my pants.DH phoned and told them not to come Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ledkr · 16/02/2011 08:28

Its hard cos when we had the post birth showdown he got so upset and looked terrible.
We had just found out our baby had a cleft and was ill and were back in hospital.I made a decison then not to let it affect our marriage and go on at him too much,as i think its them with the problem and he just repsects them (too much?)Things for us are perfect in every other way so dont wnat them to have anymore impact as time goes by.
My instincts are this,i will take steps to ensure they do not outstay their "welcome" and that dh will take more and more control as time goes by when he sees its him stuck with them looking after them on his weekends off.I am not doing anything for them and will be going about my normal routine(when im better)see friends take kids out etc and may even take full advantage and clear off out at night,hed soon get fed up with that!
Funny thing is,its not about the first grand child cos they hardly looked at her and certainly didnt care when she was ill,its about them wanting somewhere to go for a few days(bored with eachother)Theyt used to have a spare room and i cooked lots of nice food but that has stopped so lets see how appealing the lilo and frozen chips are.

OP posts:
thelittlestkiwi · 16/02/2011 08:49

Those lilo's are much less comfy if they are not quite fully inflated. Grin

I agree that you need to impress on them that you are in recovery from major surgery as they obviously haven't taken that on board. If you haven't mentioned the infection it may be worth keeping that to yourself for now as a potential 'get out' card for later. A wee white lie- I have an infection and Dr has advised bed rest.... Actually, maybe just use that anyway!

Good luck.

Original poster
ledkr · 16/02/2011 08:59

I thought that about the infection yes,it couls suddenly worsen couldnt it?
The lilo will be provided and blown up by them and it will be uncomfy too-was cold last time.The hamster is very noisy too as is my teenage son when he comes in late at the weekend.I also quite like to wander downstairs at night with the baby crying loudly in my arms whilst swearing under my breath-ok that last bits a lie but i could try it haha.

OP posts:
brass · 16/02/2011 09:09

morning, at least the amusement of making their stay as uncomfortable as possible will put you in control again.

How long will DH last do you think hosting them on his own?

popcrackle · 16/02/2011 09:09

My concern is that by allowing them to come over you are giving up too much. It would piss me off to try go about my normal routine with toxic il's around. You are already talking of strategies of avoidance, or getting out at night???

At the end of the day, the world will not stop if they do not come. Say no to any sleepovers. You are recovering from major surgery.

You really must say no. If you allow them to come into your home they will upset you somehow.

They don't sound interested in having a proper relationship with you, so you both have to ask yourselves what are you getting out of them? Is your DH allaying guilt? How is them staying benefiting you?

You can not reason with unreasonable people.

For the sake of your health do not have them over this time.

warthog · 16/02/2011 09:17

i just wouldn't let them come over at all tbh.

i don't think yabu or selfish AT ALL. they sound awful.

nancythenaughtyfairy · 16/02/2011 09:18

You have been extremely generous to offer for them to come for a few days IMO, that is a really tall order in your situation.

There must be easier way for you to see them. A pub lunch meet-up somewhere in the middle? Them booking in to a travelodge or just coming for the day? You really do need to be selfish now and give yourself and family the chance to recover.

There are loads of lovely bank holidays in April and may if it is really necessary to have them stay and hopefully you'll feel more inclined by then.

Make sure you get a break next week!

slowangels1 · 16/02/2011 09:24

what happened to the holiday in the log cabin? That sounded like a lovely thing to do and good reason to cancel PIL. You're very strong to even contemplate another PIL visit at this point I feel. I hope they arn't as hideous as last time. Btw - is there any way you can meet up with them for lunch or sth half way between the 2 of you? Would obv be a pain to drive an hour away with a baby but at least they'd get to see D and you'd get to leave them there and go home.

JamieLeeCurtis · 16/02/2011 09:55

I agree with pop - if boundaries can't be put down now, when everyone on this thread agrees that you are totally within your rights to have time to yourselves, then when will they be?

Dropdeadfred · 16/02/2011 10:01

Can YOU have more of the telephone conversations with them in future...??
If you answered the phone when they were making their demands you could lay things on the line before they get to your dh
Also - could ou ask them if their inlaws were very involved in their lives when they were first married..??

GelflinGirl · 16/02/2011 10:18

Tell them to feck off!!!

pommedeterre · 16/02/2011 10:22

Have you said to your DH - 'I am on the verge on hating your parents because of how they have been the last few weeks. If they come now and it's awful that may be it for me. please help protect all the family relationships by postponing this visit'.
I think I'd try that now if I were you.

slowangels1 · 16/02/2011 10:56

Just read your comment re: cancelling hol - actually can't believe they have gatecrashed your holidays before - how awful - do they even realise they are so unreasonable??!!

Original poster
ledkr · 16/02/2011 14:05

They will after this weekend angels.
pomme just spoke to dh and told him to sort it now,i told him that everyone agrees on this thread and thats unsual on aibu.I told him that exactly "i am very angry with the situation as it is and without your ability to manage the situation it will grow and grow and you really dont want me speaking my mind" (im a fishwife if i get going)We agreed the conditions and he will be ringing when has picked up dd from school.
I really wish i could say a big fat no but its not about their needs,its about dh's need to see his parents and show off his first born child,he has also had no support throughout baby's illness as it was all about me and my friends and family all being around.
brass yes i think there is a defiant side to me that almost wants to show them how innappropriate they are being and make them feel uncomfortable.
So the scene is set,
big stash of chocolate and wine in my bedroom for escapes with dd's.
Nice lunch out with best friend and dd's on sat.
Good supply of pjs to remind them im still "ill"
Not much food in the house,so their greed will force them to shop or shops.(oo may need to add snacks to the choc and wine)
Lots of mention about how fab family and friends were during the baby's stay in hospital.
A gun.Some body bags and a shovel.For if things get really bad Grin

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