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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not travel to see him

101 replies

momiath · 14/02/2011 15:11

I've namechanged for this but am a regular

My brother has a brain tumour and is having it removed next Monday. I'm 7mo pregnant and have got spd and he is in Yorkshire whilst I'm in London and I don't feel up to travelling the distance (I feel horrendous most days). I spoke to my sister yesterday and told her that I didn't feel up to it and she went ballistic. She says I'm being selfish and a shitty sister because I'm not making to effort to go and see him. I explained about how hard the pregnancy is affecting me and she just told me to get a sense of proportion and that being pregnant doesn't compare to a brain tumour.

I'm on my own, don't drive and I just don't feel that I can make the journey into London and then up to Leeds as I struggle to go to the shops around the corner. I do love him and I'll be a worrying wreck next week when he's having it, AIBU to not go and visit him

OP posts:
poxoxo · 14/02/2011 22:16

You need to go and you know you need to. Your brother and/or other family needs you and to just sit at home in London really isn't good enough. In times of crises families need to rally around.

RevoltingPeasant · 14/02/2011 22:17

OP

Don't know if you're coming back, but, as someone else said, can your sister drive you?

It is totally possible to get from Leeds to London and back in half a day (I know, have done it!). If your sister is that bothered about your being there, could she drive down over the weekend drive you back? If she helped you in and out of the car and drove carefully, would that be okay?

ImFab · 14/02/2011 22:20

I didn't go and see my Nan when she was dying as I was 8 months pregnant and my consultant said it was too risky to travel 300 miles. I felt crap but had to put my baby first.

DrivingSlowly · 14/02/2011 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
momiath · 14/02/2011 22:28

Sorry I've not been back sooner. My sister could come and get me but I didn't ask her as I think she expects me to get the train. I tried to contact my other sister tonight but she'd gone out with her boyfriend (forgot it was Valentines Day)

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 14/02/2011 22:28

OP - some good advice here, as this is AIBU, I hope you anticipated that you might not meet with favourable responses.
gemsy you must have some other shit going going on in your life to be so vicious to the OP and other posters. The OP's brother has a brain tumour - have some bloody heart.

Original poster
momiath · 14/02/2011 22:29

I've not spoken to my brother about it but I think I will do tomorrow. I think he would want me to come but I don't think he'd resent me if I didn't.

OP posts:
maryz · 14/02/2011 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

huddspur · 14/02/2011 22:52

I think you need to have a talk with your brother provided he's up to it. Explain and see what he says, I bet that he wouldn't want you to travel if it were going to risk the wellbeing of your baby. Hope everything works out for you.

Leverkusen · 14/02/2011 22:58

Does your DB really want you to be there?
If so, is there any way you could hire a wheelchair and go by train or fly?
I have no experience with SPD so don't know if that's a relevant suggestion!

My mother has a brain tumour and I didn't go to her treatment. She didnt ask me to and didnt need me there.

Tee2072 · 15/02/2011 07:12

'I am however equipped to say I would be bloody put out if someone close to me said 'they don't really feel like visiting' me when I really needed them because they had SPD. If that makes me a cunt then so be it, rip away at me.' - Gemsy

Where on earth does the OP say she doesn't feel like visiting? What she said was that she has trouble getting to the corner shop, never mind travelling for hours.

I think you are projecting here, Gemsy. Perhaps something similar happened to you and someone wasn't there when you needed them?

Bunbaker · 15/02/2011 07:14

"It is totally possible to get from Leeds to London and back in half a day"

And a horrible and tiring drive to boot. I used to live in Leeds and have family in South London. The journey used to take 4 - 4.5 hours door to door. I think it is pretty unreasonable to expect someone to drive that far in one day.

wishingchair · 15/02/2011 12:21

tigitigi - I know that some people's tumours are like that. We were told my dh had only months to live because they thought it was a high grade tumour (therefore "the most awful aggressive cancer you can possibly imagine"). I do know what I am talking about. However it would not have been the operation that would have killed him (ignoring usual risks of brain surgery!). That is my point. If the OP's brother is in that situation (and I sincerely hope he isn't) then the problem isn't about how to be by his side for the operation, it is how to be by his side full stop to be with him as he comes to terms with this terrible illness and lives his last few days.

The OP's description of the operation though ... "having it removed on Monday" ... makes me think it isn't a highly malignant tumour. They can be quite difficult to remove ...

wishingchair · 15/02/2011 12:22

And it is bloody difficult to get from Leeds to London AND BACK in HALF a day.

snowmash · 15/02/2011 12:38

You can book assisted travel on the trains.

exexpat · 15/02/2011 12:50

You can book it, but that doesn't mean it will always turn up, unfortunately...

Deliaskis · 15/02/2011 12:54

If it were me, regardless of pain etc. (and I have SPD myself at the mo, although not as bad as the OP) I would be thinking 'how will I feel if I don't go, and something goes wrong with the surgery?'. Sorry if that's putting it a bit harshly, but that is what would be going through my head.

With that in mind, I would try and make arrangements to go and make it as practical as possible. The idea of hiring a wheelchair and booking assisted travel is a good one.

I think the travel will still be unpleasant, but I think if you don't go, you will be stewing on this for days/weeks and feeling bad about it, whereas if you go, you will have a couple of days of worse than usual pain, but you will know you did everything you could at an important time.

I do sympathise with you though, and am not trying in any way to overlook or minimise how horrid your condition is.

D

EldritchCleavage · 15/02/2011 12:58

Op, sorry to hear your situation. Sorry too about the tone of one or two responses on this thread. It's not really an AIBU thread, because I don't think you'd be unreasonable whatever you decided.

I'd err on the side of going. Ask your brother what he wants. Then think about how best to get there. I'd say taxi and fly- faff, but less time in transit. Or throw money at the problem and taxi all the way, e.g. through Addison Lee or a similar company. Whichever, I hope your GP can help with pain relief and advice.

vj32 · 15/02/2011 13:55

I think in your situation I would go if your brother wants you to and if you can get a lift. I also know from experience that assisted travel on trains doesn't always work, booked seats aren't always on the train, and it will not help your brother at all if you collapse on a train in the middle of nowhere.

huddspur · 16/02/2011 22:47

What have you decided to do OP?

wannabesybil · 17/02/2011 00:01

If it is hospital visiting that is the issue, could I just point out that both main Leeds hospitals are very large and cover massive areas. It took me twenty minutes to walk from the entrance nearest my work to the antenatal clinics in the LGI, and that was not from one end to another, just about half way and no changes of floor (both hospitals are on several floors. St James' has been described as the largest teaching hospital in Europe, and is vast.

There are several entrances for both, spread around and if you go in the wrong one you can literally have a half hour walk to get to the appropriate ward.

OP - only you know whether you can manage the journey. You may find it a smoother journey by coach. However can you discuss with your sister fall back plans should you be taken ill, and get very clear directions to the hospital wards, wings etc. You can get buses to both hospitals but are probably better getting a taxi. St James is outside the town centre and a fifteen minute drive from the station, the LGI is a stiffish walk uphill. Ask her to look into wheelchair hire locally, and check that there will be someone to help you and perhaps a place to stay overnight.

I hope everything works out.

ladysybil · 17/02/2011 00:06

to the op.
my dfather had emergency open heart surgery in february. ds wasnt due till june, but i was off sick with stress from work at the time. My family wouldnt countenance my travelling abroad to be with him.
your sister is being selfish. not you. I hope your brother recovers well, and quickly. take care of yourself and his dniece/nephew. when youve had the baby, take them up to see their new uncle. meanwhile, use skype.

scotsgirl23 · 17/02/2011 00:21

Some of the responses have been very helpful; others rather nasty. SPD is hard, and very very variable - some people have a lot more mobility with it than others do. I had it very badly, and my local NHS were downright useless so I wasn't provided with a wheelchair or crutches - I am lucky that my DH drives and that we can park literally at the front door or I would not have been able to get out. I frequently had to crawl around the house.

Only you can know if you are physically capable of making the journey. I wouldn't have been, and if you are in such a state that you can't do it, then you should not feel guilty. Just because it's a pregnancy related condition does not make it any less difficult to deal with - in fact it brings its own set of difficulties as I found the support was so poor that I didn't have any real assistance because it was temporary.

Unfortunately, if you decide you can't go your sister may not understand. Many people just don't understand the absolute agony that SPD can bring and don't understand that it is not just pregnancy aches or discomfort. Hell, it took me long enough to convince the doctors/midwives.

Catnao · 17/02/2011 00:23

I think I would go. Just being honest, and I understand that the OP is in pain. I am not close to my brothers, but if any one of them wanted me for a serious reason, short of being absolutely unable to be, I would be there.

My partner's colleague and close friend suffered a brain haemmorage at Christmas and has specifically asked through his partner that no one visits at the moment - but I know that my partner would be at the hospital in a heart beat if he wanted him to be - OP says her brother would want her there, so in my opinion she should try her best if it is possible. A funeral isn't much fun either, as others have said - if OP could make it to a funeral, she could make it to a bedside - but I absolutely understand that it is sometimes impossible to make a funeral, too.

Catnao · 17/02/2011 00:28

PS Hope you and your brother are both going to be fine - it sounds like a very stressful time, and I am thinking of you.