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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not travel to see him

101 replies

momiath · 14/02/2011 15:11

I've namechanged for this but am a regular

My brother has a brain tumour and is having it removed next Monday. I'm 7mo pregnant and have got spd and he is in Yorkshire whilst I'm in London and I don't feel up to travelling the distance (I feel horrendous most days). I spoke to my sister yesterday and told her that I didn't feel up to it and she went ballistic. She says I'm being selfish and a shitty sister because I'm not making to effort to go and see him. I explained about how hard the pregnancy is affecting me and she just told me to get a sense of proportion and that being pregnant doesn't compare to a brain tumour.

I'm on my own, don't drive and I just don't feel that I can make the journey into London and then up to Leeds as I struggle to go to the shops around the corner. I do love him and I'll be a worrying wreck next week when he's having it, AIBU to not go and visit him

OP posts:
linziluv · 14/02/2011 17:17

I agree with bogeyface...never had SPD thankfully nor do I know anybody but a disability is a disability whether temporary or not!
I know 100% if the OP wasn't pregnant and was permanently disabled, she would not be getting the awful comments she is now!
I'm actually shocked at some replies!
OP...I'm sure if you were physically able to you would be there but your sister IBU.

IsItMeOr · 14/02/2011 17:25

OP - sorry you're not feeling well, and that your brother is so poorly too.

I think the split on this thread shows that this is not an easy decision, and only you can make it. There isn't a right answer here.

There are some good ideas that might make it just about possible for you, but only you can know. Very best wishes to you and your brother.

Annpan88 · 14/02/2011 18:06

I just want to say I hope your ok and you don't take some of the hurtful and insensitive replies to heart. You must be going through a terrible time and only you will know what your up to doing. Have a think and you'll know whats for the best, if you can't go, you can't go. Take care

byrel · 14/02/2011 18:24

I think you should do your upmost to go and see him.

hissymissy · 14/02/2011 18:38

I am a bit Shock and Angry about some of the very cruel responses to the OP.

SPD is not just a bit of discomfort. It is agony, and can be quite seriously debilitating.

OP ignore the haters. Do your best and tell your sister that if she really expects you to be there then she can come down and collect you, and then drive you home.

wishingchair · 14/02/2011 18:39

There are some appalling responses on here. Most are talking from absolutely no experience of brain tumours whatsoever.

Her brother has a brain tumour. I'd be very surprised if it has just been discovered today and this is emergency treatment. They're not like that! The op - whilst it itself carries risks obviously (and some significant risks too) - is unlikely that his condition could "go either way". The op will ideally remove all or maybe just some of the tumour. What will follow will likely be 6 weeks of radiotherapy to nuke what is left. Possibly chemotherapy too. This is not like a stroke or an aneurism.

It is incredibly serious, no doubt about that, but it is the TUMOUR that is serious, not the fact he's having an operation.

OP - I know what you're going through. We're still living through it. A brain tumour is a horrific illness ... I hope the surgery is successful and he is back on his feet soon. He may suffer long term fatigue, his memory may be impacted. Talk to your brother ... don't feel under pressure from your sister. You need to do what is right for HIM not what others think you should do.

exexpat · 14/02/2011 18:57

Hear hear to wishingchair. And the OP hasn't even said whether the tumour is benign or malignant.

Obviously brain surgery itself carries risks, but not all brain tumours are malignant, and malignant does not necessarily mean fatal (I have a friend who had a large but benign tumour removed a couple of years ago - big operation, long recovery time, but not life-threatening apart from the usual risks of surgery). I don't think the OP has indicated that the operation is likely to be life-or-death. And does she even know if her brother wants the entire family rushing to his bedside? I think if I was in that situation I'd prefer to have the minimum of visitors.

byrel · 14/02/2011 19:07

I'm guessing she hasn't gone into too much detail regarding her brothers condition because of privacy which is understandable.

Tee2072 · 14/02/2011 19:49

So much for the great support of MN. I am absolutely appalled at some of you. I have several chronic pain conditions that become excruciating during travel or lack of proper rest. I, thankfully, did not have SPD during my pregnancy, but I understand it can be crippling.

People who have never had constant pain cannot possibly understand how exhausting just living can be, never mind travelling.

OP only you know what your limitations are. Don't let anyone here or in real life force you to do something that will make your condition worse.

maddy68 · 14/02/2011 19:51

You can go. I had SPD and it is horrible but your brother could die. You must go!

Sassybeast · 14/02/2011 19:57

I would ask your brother if he would like to sere you or if he would prefer to wait until after the surgery and when you are BOTH recovered. I personally don't understand the need to rush to peoples side at times like this unless tHEY specifically request you to be there. it's very often more about what the visitors want, rather than the patient.

Depending on the type and extent of his tumour, the nature of the surgery, and the recovery time afterwards, he may not even want a lot of people there.

And to anyone reading this who is waiting to undergo surgery or has aloved one about to undergo surgery, i would be tempted to ignore posts from the likes of Gemsy who has an amazing ability to comment on the likely outcome of such surgery based on nada.

Rosedee · 14/02/2011 20:02

I can't believe the complete wankers having a go at the op. Obviously never had a condition where every movement is painful. I used to sit on the toilet screaming as I was In So much pain. 'am severly pissed off on op's behalf. I have no doubt if she was fully mobile and pain free she'd be there in a shot but god if she can't make the journey she can't make it.
Used to piss me off when people said I wasn't "sick" when I'd thrown up ten times a day. What was I then? Being pregnancy can be bloody hell and people being shitty is not on.
I'm sorry no advice on travelling. I hope you can get some help if you decide to go. I hope you're brother makes a full recovery.

wishingchair · 14/02/2011 20:02

Again ... yes the tumour could kill him (in time) but he's unlikely to die as a result of the operation!!!!!!!

Tee2072 · 14/02/2011 20:05

Read this to get some idea of what it's like to be in pain all the time.

Whether that pain is temporary or permanent doesn't matter. Eventually, you run out of spoons. Some days you have no spoons at all.

Rosedee · 14/02/2011 20:05

Sorry for my typos, typing quick as bloody annoyed!!

yummytummy · 14/02/2011 20:15

op, yanbu. the pain of spd is agonising and its very hard to imagine it if you havent been there. where even simple changes of position make you cry in pain and its just constant.

but anyway i do think people have been a bit unfair to you.

i would say really the only way would be to get a lift? presumably car would be slightly more comfortable than a train?

also would definitely speak to your brother and see what he thinks.

good luck and hope you feel better after baby comes.

tigitigi · 14/02/2011 21:17

wishingchair - they can be like that. Sorry but it really depends on the type of tumour, some are benign, some are slow growing and one type is the most awful, aggressive cancer you can possible imagine. I am so pleased you are not living through supporting a family member with one of those but please do realise that some people are.

OP if they are waiting til monday and not rushing your brother into theatre immediately it is probably not one of the uber nasty ones (more like regular nasty and horrible).

I think others are wise when they say check in with bother and parents.

SPD is hell and you have my every sympathy for this horrible situation. Think about it like this - would you go up for a funeral. When my relative with a BT died I realised that the funeral was the least important day and I would advise anyone to maximise time with family whenever possible. It will be hell going up - ask your doctor for advice, pain relief and perhaps a wheelchair/mobility scooter.

good luck whatever you choose and good luck to your brother.

Gemsy83 · 14/02/2011 21:27

Ive had fucking SPD! Why do people think if you make a comment about something you cant possibly know what it's like and have no empathy for others? A brain tumour isnt a walk in the park either, sadly I can tell you that from experience too! And I know which is more debilitating and id have been so pissed off if people put their pelvic pain above my timebomb in my head! FFS you lot sometimes dont have a clue do you?

Gemsy83 · 14/02/2011 21:33

And I cant believe the 'complete wankers' who have just shouted me down, accused me of knowing fuck all and not having a clue what I myself have been through. But aww poor ikkle OP hey, I was not long ago facing the surgery myself, but please dont let that get in the way of a humungous slating. Cows.

maryz · 14/02/2011 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemsy83 · 14/02/2011 21:44

I havent called any posters wankers actually- I mentioned the word wankers as somebody used that word to attack me! I dont think ive been anywhere near as nasty as people have been to me, saying I dont know anything ive never had this or that without a freaking clue what ive had and been through. THAT is nasty.

Gemsy83 · 14/02/2011 21:45

I am however equiped to say I would be bloody put out if someone close to me said 'they dont really feel like visiting' me when I really needed them because they had SPD. If that makes me a cunt then so be it, rip away at me.

maryz · 14/02/2011 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosedee · 14/02/2011 22:01

Gemsy I think you'll find my post said some people are being wankers not you specifically. I would sympathise with you but you don't seem to be doing that so don't see why I should. Your posts were particularly mean imo and I think people would assume that someone who's been thru spd would have more empathy.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/02/2011 22:03

Gemsy, you don't know how bad the OP is feeling. Okay, she isn't at risk of dying because of her condition, but if she can't physically move without experiencing severe pain, then she can't physically move. No amount of wishing otherwise will make a difference.

You have belittled her experience, which may be completely different to yours and you did it in a very aggressive and unkind way. You don't actually know if her brother wants her to be there. He may take the view that he has lots of support and would rather she didn't put herself through the journey

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