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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not travel to see him

101 replies

momiath · 14/02/2011 15:11

I've namechanged for this but am a regular

My brother has a brain tumour and is having it removed next Monday. I'm 7mo pregnant and have got spd and he is in Yorkshire whilst I'm in London and I don't feel up to travelling the distance (I feel horrendous most days). I spoke to my sister yesterday and told her that I didn't feel up to it and she went ballistic. She says I'm being selfish and a shitty sister because I'm not making to effort to go and see him. I explained about how hard the pregnancy is affecting me and she just told me to get a sense of proportion and that being pregnant doesn't compare to a brain tumour.

I'm on my own, don't drive and I just don't feel that I can make the journey into London and then up to Leeds as I struggle to go to the shops around the corner. I do love him and I'll be a worrying wreck next week when he's having it, AIBU to not go and visit him

OP posts:

IWantAnotherBaby · 14/02/2011 16:22

YABU. This could be very serious. You would never forgive yourself if you do not go and the worst happened. And I suspect your family would never forgive you either way. I know its hard, but sometimes you just have to make that extra effort for someone you love and care about; your sister needs you as much as your brother does.

CameronCook · 14/02/2011 16:24

I couldn't not go given the severity of the situation, so can understand your sister being upset.

If your SPD is that bad then presumably you'd be in a wheelchair and therefore able to book special assistance at the station / airport? That was certainly the case when I was pregnant (and in wheelchair) 7 years ago.

wishingchair · 14/02/2011 16:25

My husband has a brain tumour. When he had an operation, we only had his mum and dad here. He has a brother and sister who care for him very deeply but at no time was it expected (or wanted to be honest) for them to be here during that time too. It was extremely stressful for all ... he was on a huge amount of steriods and was really not up for a lot of visitors. He'll be up and out of hospital unbelievably quickly though. Think dh was in hospital the night before the op, then the night of the op then back home again the next day.

Personally, I would talk to your brother ... he may not even want you there (nothing personal but he's probably petrified and just might be feeling overwhelmed if everyone arrived as if he was on his deathbed).

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 16:29

The trouble is that people who have never had SPD dont always realise just how bad it is. I had a doctors appointment today and needed almost carrying in there.

Explain to your sister that you want to come and if she can come and fetch you then you will be more than happy to go, but that public transport it out.

You have my sympathies

iwerta · 14/02/2011 16:39

Sort yourself out and get on a train to Leeds, your excuses are pitiful. At times like these family needs to pull together.

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 16:41

Oh and thank you GEMSY, I appreciate your thoughts on this. Nice to know that my constant pain and inability to move without assistance is just an excuse. I'll bear that in mind the next time I wet myself because I cant get to the toilet in time, again.

I really fucking hope that if you ever suffer the way that I and thousands of others have to do on a daily basis, you get a damn sight more sympathy than you have shown here. How nasty and vile

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 16:42

EXCUSES iwerta?

Are you serious? Have you ever suffered SPD? What a shitty thing to say.

You have no idea what you are talking about.

iwerta · 14/02/2011 16:44

They are excuses, if the OP really wants to get to Yorkshire from London then she could.

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 16:44

Well speaking as someone who cant get from the lounge to the bathroom because of SPD I can say that you are talking absolute fucking bollocks.

reratio · 14/02/2011 16:47

OP get your arse on a train. I'm with your sister compared to a brain tumour being pregnant even with SPD is a walk in the park. I suspect you know it too.

dutchmanswife · 14/02/2011 16:49

There's some quite nasty comments on here and I imagine the OP is probably not feeling great.

I come from the perspective of someone who has had a husband with a brain tumour and I have also suffered from SPD.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all. It's a very difficult position to be in, wanting to support family but being physically not up to it.

I know there is nothing I can say that will make much diiference to how you're feeling but I truly understand your position and I wish you well.

Olessaty · 14/02/2011 16:50

OP, I've been hospitalised with SPD and I know how crippling it can be, here is what I would do.

Hire a wheelchair. Red cross did a loan for months for only £20.

Contact train companies. They can help you with getting on and off trains and make the journey much easier. Would the journey be more achieveable with help like that?

Flying. Is it more of an option? With the wheelchair you could again contact the company before travelling and get assistance.

Painkillers. If you don't have anything to take, see your doctor, explain you may have to make a long journey and you need to be up to it.

Friends. Do you have anyone who could help take you there? Or a part of the journey to make your life easier?

Family. Would anyone be able to assist you at least part of the way? With getting to and from the hospital?

It's so very difficult, I know how tough it is dealing with the pain, but would you be okay if the worst happened?

QuintessentialShadows · 14/02/2011 16:51

Could your sister come and get you by car?

Having suffered SPD you have my full sympathies. I would not be able to get onto a train. The movements of the train would probably destabilize my pelvis even more.

I would ask the GP or your chiropractor if it is even advisable.

realrabbit · 14/02/2011 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

amberleaf · 14/02/2011 16:52

I think of these responses are downright rude and totally lacking in understanding.

OP is there any chance any of your other family members that drive could come and pick you up?

what about your OH could he drive you or accompany you on a train?

Ephiny · 14/02/2011 16:53

I wouldn't, but then I am not close to my siblings.

Of course being pregnant isn't comparable to having a brain tumour (no one ever said it was!) and maybe you could get there if you were determined to. But if you're in a lot of pain and struggling to get around, then a journey like that is a big challenge, and quite possibly your brother wouldn't want you to put yourself through that on his account. I wouldn't expect a relative to do that for me.

EllieDawn · 14/02/2011 16:53

While pregnancy is not an illness, SPD is and can be extremely painful. Yes, it may not compare to a brain tumour but I don't think the OP is being unreasonable by not wanting to make a journey of hundreds of miles, leaving her suffering terrible pain. It's not like her brother will be alone, he has other family members there to support him.

scurryfunge · 14/02/2011 16:54

OP, do you know anyone who could drive you there or is sitting in a car too painful? Could your doctor boost you up with more suitable painkillers for the visit?

I must admit I had no idea what SPD was and having googled it, it seems an awful thing to have. If you can't make it, just make sure your brother knows you are thinking about him and try to visit him when you are next able to (with the baby )

Bogeyface · 14/02/2011 16:55

It makes me sick to see that so many people think its ok to have a go at the OP because she is in pain because SPD is a condition of pregnancy and therefore temporary.

Would you say the same nasty things to a woman in constant pain from say Arthritis? or Fybromyalgia?

Just because a painful condition or disability is temporary doesnt make it hurt any less. It doesnt make it easier to live with. It doesnt mean that the sufferer should just suck it up and deal with it because the rest of the world doesnt understand what it is like.

If any of these comments were aimed at a permanently disabled MNer then the posters would be flammed to hell and back, and rightly so.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 14/02/2011 16:55

I have never suffered from SPD but I understand that it is agony and in its most severe form can leave someone unable to walk at all. I think that if you were simply 7 months pregnant then there would be no reason for you not to go. BUT with SPD I can understand why you are scared to travel and deal with the physical pain of that.

However, given the seriousness of the situation, I think you should find a way to get there if at all possible. You would never forgive yourself if the worst happened.

Yes, it will cause you physical pain. yes it is going to be emotionally hard.

but if your brother is facing this, and it could go either way, you have to get to him.

glastocat · 14/02/2011 16:57

SPD is dreadful, but you should do all in your power to get to see your brother. I f you explained your predicament to your family could they not help you get there? Or could you do taxi/plane? I know if it was me unless I was actually on a stretcher I'd want to be there for my non-existant brother, and I suffered badly from SPD.

exexpat · 14/02/2011 16:59

I am shocked at some of these responses. Is it just because SPD is a temporary effect of pregnancy that people are dismissing it as an excuse? If the OP said she couldn't get on a train to Yorkshire for something equally disabling but not pregnancy related, eg multiple sclerosis, would everyone still be saying 'get your arse on a train'?

And FWIW I wouldn't travel solo with a wheelchair on a train as the pre-booked assistance at stations regularly fails to turn up. I've travelled with my father, who uses a wheelchair, having pre-booked assistance to change trains, and we were left waiting and eventually had to get him off the train ourselves. Airports might be marginally better.

exexpat · 14/02/2011 17:00

x-post with bogeyface

Bunbaker · 14/02/2011 17:05

Is it at all possible that you could ask your GP for some painkillers you could take during your pregnancy? You might regret not visiting. The taxis are right in front of Leeds station so it isn't far to walk and last time I travelled regularly between Leeds and London the trains used to come in to the platform nearest the exit.

Good luck with your brother's op.

zipzap · 14/02/2011 17:17

Speak to your brother and find out when he would like to see you. Might be that he would prefer to see you in a few days time after his op...

Also find out what else you can do to talk to him in this time - anyone in your family got an iphone/skype etc so you can see him without being there IYSWIM?

Decide when you are going to go up and how you want to go - car, plane etc and then see if you can rope in other family members to try to help you get there.

Also involve them in finding out what should happen should you end up giving birth up there early - not that you want this to happen but but it would
A) be madness at this point not to be prepared, especially if you have had long journey, lots of stress and lots of pain
B) might help other members of your family to realise that whilst your brother needs lots of support at the moment, it doesn't negate the fact that you also need some support at the moment.

good luck and hope it all goes well for your brother and for you...

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