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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in being cautious to chastise my friend's child

119 replies

redoneslast · 13/02/2011 09:36

When she is present? She is a rude and unlikeable child who speaks to adults in a terrible manner. I have to bite my tongue when she "orders" me to do things and addresses me by my christian name (HATE that but thats another thread) or a "hey".. DH reckons I should pull her up on it if thats the way I want to be treated/not treated but I am concerned I will offend. Its REALLY difficult not to snap. (child is 6)

OP posts:

anamerican · 13/02/2011 19:22

OP I agree with you about not wanting to be called by your first name. I am surprised that we are in the minority. I still call my friend's parents Mr. and Mrs. and they still call my parents the same. I am 42. I guess I have accepted it though, I just don't like it at all...sigh.

NinkyNonker · 13/02/2011 19:29

I was always taught to call adults Mr or Mrs unless they were close friends of the family or I was specifically told not to. I would have felt uncomfortable not doing so, and I'm only just 30.

Dd is only 6 mo so haven't thought about what we'll do with her yet!

seeker · 13/02/2011 20:23

So was I, NinkyNonker - but I was also taught to do loads of other crap stuff that I am very glad my children are not obliged to do!

muminthecity · 13/02/2011 20:23

I've never heard a child referring to an adult as Mr. or Mrs. I just thought it was normal to use first names. Even the teachers at DD's school go by their first names!

ChippingInAuntyToThomas · 13/02/2011 20:44

Georgimama - (if you are still around!?) With the pacific island community (not sure about the Asian/African countries) the kids just call you (and pretty much all females) Auntie, not AuntieChippy, just 'Auntie' and I hate it with a passion - to me it's like being called 'lady' or 'woman'. I don't mind being called AuntyChip by kids that aren't my nieces & nephews - it's sweet, but not just 'auntie'.

It's nice to be living in a culture where this isn't the norm :)

minxofmancunia · 13/02/2011 20:47

YABU, I think if a child is being nasty or aggressive you can step in but be aware your perception of what's polite/acceptable differs from other parents.

I hate it when adults seem to revel in telling children who aren't theirs off, although I understand a light hearted prompt for manners which I do myself with quite a few of dds friends.

I always ask everyone to address me by my first name, it's v pompous and old fashioned to expect Mrs/Miss. I despise children being told to call me "Aunty" it's weird. I call my aunts/uncles by their christian names and my dd calls my sister by her name. I make dds friends call me by my name rather than "....s mummy" as I find it lazy that they don't bother to use my name .

Over Christmas another (newish) Mother was vile to my dd(4) in the guise of "telling her off". My Mum was there as was my sister we were all and . Dd ended up in tears in another room because she didn't understand why she was being treated like that-she'd done nothing wrong. Suffice to say miss precious princess with pfbitis will never be near me or dd again [anger]

minxofmancunia · 13/02/2011 20:49

I've noticed this flinging your weight around thing with teachers particularly, they sometimes seem to forget they're no longer in the classroom

Tical · 13/02/2011 20:54

The 'expecting to called Mrs' thing is hilarious. Airs and graces much, love?

The child sounds like a cheeky miss, though, and I would have no qualms about pulling up any child on their manners if their parents failed to do so. It doesn't have to be stern, just a quick 'what's the magic word?' or 'how do we ask nicely?' etc.

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2011 21:17

Isn't it strange?
If someone doesn't like being called by their first name by a child (or in my case by some telesales person I've never met), so what? Why can't that be their choice without being told that they're pompous, or that they have airs and graces?
Their name, their choice imo.

poochela · 13/02/2011 21:34

If you want to be called Mrs Redoneslast then it's a little quirky but it's up to you. Especially if that's how your kids address others. This friend and said spawn should have the people skills to pick up on that and follow suit. YANBU.

skybluepearl · 13/02/2011 21:35

all the children i know use first names for adults. that aside i do believe politeness is very very imoportant. with my own kids i rephrase how i want them to ask - so if they say 'mum i want some orange juice' i will say back to them 'please may i have some orange juice'. and just wait for them to say it.

All kids get nothing without a please. Sometimes i will just keep saying pardon untill they include the word please in their request. I am not a waitress and basic manners will help them through life.

tigerdriverII · 13/02/2011 21:46

I'm nearly 49, have never been called Mrs Driver by anyone (not just because my surname's not "Driver" ). I am called Auntie Tiger by the DCs of one or two friends and DS sometimes calls my friends "Auntie Gladys" "Auntie Lettice" and so on - affection really rather than respect.

What really gets my goat is being called "TigerCub's Mum". Excusable by people who really don't know my name, although I am sure TigerCub could give it. Inexcusable by those who do.

tigerdriverII · 13/02/2011 21:47

Oh, and I meant to say, I would not hesitate to say "what's the missing word" if please or thankyou was missing, or whatever

Mumcentreplus · 13/02/2011 21:51

All the children that I know and see on a regular basis call me Auntie Mumcentre and they are not all relatives..it's a term of politeness and respect ..

I call some of my family members Auntie out of respect also they are much older than me.

As a child I would never have presumed to call an adult by their first name...unless they said it was fine

as far as I'm concerned a person can choose to be addressed how they want

lospollos · 13/02/2011 21:55

We live in a deff. generation I was a child in the 90's I never I was encouraged to address my friends mums by their first name.

Mumcentreplus · 13/02/2011 22:00

I was an 80s child...could also be cultural

Lonnie · 14/02/2011 09:38

I find this conversation interesting.. I am a bit torn to be honest

On one point I do feel that it is oldfashioned in expecting your friends children to call you Mrs (and I am 5 years younger than you so not a massive difference) however I expect it from sales people etc and I most certainly expect it from school teachers (the alternative is I will use their first name usually gets Mrs L back on straight away) So on another point I do feel that it is up to the induvidual. I do however feel it is something you need to put forward the first time it is said so if they say "hey red" you respond "Mrs Onelast" nothing further is needed it will go through eventually However as this is a situation where I get the feeling that you will have known the person for a while I think that it is complex to go back it will more be a matter of you using it as you move forward with new people.

as for the please and thank yous and calling yoou "hey" say something I do all the time there are ways to do so. A mild reprimend simply state " thats not how you speak to me" and dont engage in further conversation until it is done with the right words. on that YANBU. No need to go into a tirade or anything just make it known that you dont want to be spoken to like that and leave it there.. Same with the thank you. say it for her a few times so she knows you expect it then say aftr a few times " Didnt you forget something?" and the girl will pick it up. Firm but not in her face softly softly

misskeith · 14/02/2011 09:45

It's not just age I don't think, class comes into it too, and just different families/ habits /regional things.

cory · 14/02/2011 09:50

I'm 47 and I seriously couldn't care whether a child adressed me by Christian name or as Mrs: I know that different families do different things so wouldn't automatically assume that the child was doing it on purpose to be awkward (and tbh if their child sounds odd to us using a term of address we are not used to, then chances are their family is equally taken aback by the way my children address them).

As for real rudeness- I usually find it works best to deal with it with a laugh and a joke: far easier to tell somebody off jokingly than to make a big issue of it.

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