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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to un-invite one bridesmaid and ask another?

76 replies

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 22:31

Sorry, long. And I'm probably being a bit bridezilla-ish, but anyway.

I'm getting married next year. My closest old friend (call her A) got got CP'd last year to a lovely lovely woman. Let's call BFF's wife B. I love them both to bits and see them all the time.

When I got engaged at Christmas, my first impulse was to ask the two of them to be my bridesmaids. But since them I've had second thoughts about B. A is my absolute best friend in the world, B is a good friend but a recent one (only knew her since she got together with A). I also have another great friend, C, who I was at uni with along with A.

I'm a bit worried that as B is a recent friend, I may not be able to rely on her with the whole wedding planning business: also she can be quite moody and unpredictable, and (I'm realising) isn't that into girly wedding-planning type stuff. She's more the sporty, no-nonsense type, and had little to do with planning the wedding with A.

I'm now starting to realise that I want A and C as bridesmaids, as they are BFFs of old old standing, and are just more into that kind of event planning than B. However, as B is married to A, and I've already asked both A and B, I am worried that I may upset both A and B if I ask B to step down in favour of C.

WWYD? Am I being precious here? My hunch is that this is something I need to sort out now (there's about 18 months to go) and be really clear and honest. But I don't want to hurt people's feelings.

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 11/02/2011 22:32

Have 3 bridesmaids. And do the planning yourself. All sorted

ajandjjmum · 11/02/2011 22:32

Can't you ask C anyway. Does B want to be a bridesmaid?

Dolcegusto · 11/02/2011 22:33

Can't you have all 3?

ClaireDeLoon · 11/02/2011 22:34

I think if you've asked someone you can't un-ask them sorry, you should just have thought it through before asking in the first place. Not meaning that in a harsh way!

Can you find space for 3 bridesmaids?

Changeisagoodthing · 11/02/2011 22:34

Don't have adults at all . It's a bit urrgggh

Find some nice children.

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 22:35

I had this irrational thing about wanting an even number, but on reflection that's probably nonsense.

I wonder if B is saying yes just to be polite. Perhaps I should ask C, and then if B wants to step down in the next 18 months then she can do that, and nobody is offended. Otherwise, I have 3 bridesmaids, which means more people to giggle with the night before.

Does that seem reasonable?

OP posts:

PrivetDancer · 11/02/2011 22:37

I don't think you can ask B to stand down, no. Can't imagine that going well with A or B!
Agree you should just have 3 if you want C too.

What planning are your bridesmaids doing exactly?? Mine (only 1) didn't do anything and I wouldn't have wanted her to!

spidookly · 11/02/2011 22:37

You can ask C to be another bridesmaid, but you can't ask B to step down unless you want to cause bad feeling between you and your remaining bridesmaid.

My hunch is that this is something you need to spend a lot less time agonising over.

It's just someone to stand beside you on your wedding day and make sure you don't drink all the champagne the night before.

You've asked two people, they've accepted, you like them. That's really all there should ever be to it.

"isn't that into girly wedding-planning type stuff. She's more the sporty, no-nonsense type"

She sounds ace.

Maybe you should ditch A and just have B?

TrillianAstra · 11/02/2011 22:38

Yes.

Ask C.

If B doesn't seem to be enjoying the planning then later you can say (in a very delicate manner) that if she'd rather not be involved she doesn't have to be and you won't be offended.

ClaireDeLoon · 11/02/2011 22:38

Sounds a very reasonable plan OTHM!

missmehalia · 11/02/2011 22:38

Either have all 3, or risk A pulling out if B is upset for you uninviting her.

Or.. ask A if B really wants to do it, or is she just being nice in saying yes. B might have agreed because she thought she might upset you if she said no. If she's clearly not into the wedding planning bit, it would be respectable grounds for checking it out with A. I wouldn't mention C at all if I were you. She could quietly step in at a later date.

You could think of another vitally important role for B that she'd be really good at, and put it to A quietly that she'd maybe rather do that instead?

Alternatively, just pick a bridesmaid's outfit that B hates, and stand back.

spidookly · 11/02/2011 22:38

Yeah, mine didn't even manage to wrestle the bottle of champagne out of my hand at 3am the night before.

I saw her coming.

hester · 11/02/2011 22:38

Yes, it does. Have all 3; B can excuse herself if she wants. (But don't tell her she has permission to; she'll only take offence!)

Have a lovely wedding.

hester · 11/02/2011 22:39

Just to add: I think it's a really lovely gesture that you've asked A and B together. As a lesbian, I would really appreciate that (even if I hated the dress )

stressheaderic · 11/02/2011 22:39

Speaking as someone in the 'C' position, I am somewhat irked by being asked long after the others, in a kind-of afterthought sort of way. However tis family so I have had to put my irkedness to one side and am merrily approving meringues and saving up for unnecessarily expensive hen weekends as we speak

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 22:42

It's not like I'm giving my bridesmaids a spreadsheet and action plan or anything Monica-ish like that. It's more about wanting to have people to go SQUEEEEE with about stupid little details between now and when I get hitched.

TBH this was all prompted by going out with A and B tonight to a wedding event, where it was soooo obvious from the moment we arrived that B absolutely hated it. I felt bad for dragging her there, because she's a top bird and I love her, but also a bit cross because I wanted to wander about drinking cocktails and going SQUEEE with friends who like that kind of thing. It made me worry a bit that she just isn't that bothered. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 11/02/2011 22:42

If you ask B to step down, you lose A as well, in all likelihood!

spidookly · 11/02/2011 22:43

I think it's a really weird gesture that you've asked A and B together. But it's a done deal now, so you're stuck with it.

Although I'm not a lesbian, so what would I know?

spidookly · 11/02/2011 22:45

Couldn't B just be the kind of bridesmaid that doesn't go to wedding events to squeal about things.

(aka a normal bridesmaid)

Does A want to spend 18 months doing that? I'd prefer the spreadsheets, and I hate spreadsheets used for lists or planning.

LadyThumb · 11/02/2011 22:48

I think if you are really expecting B (or anybody to be honest!) to go SQUEEEEEE for the next 18 months, you may be sadly mistaken!

Just ask C to be bridesmaid, then she and A can do whatever, and B can just be in the background.

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 22:51

spidookly A is absolutely the kind of girl who likes spreadsheets and tiny details. She did all the planning for her wedding with B. She's frighteningly organised, and seems genuinely excited about coming with me to dressmaker consultations and the like.

Not sure what's weird about asking two women who I love dearly to be bridesmaids. The fact that they're married to each other is neither here nor there. They're both friends. I guess I just hadn't completely banked on how prickly B is about some of the girly aspects of this whole wedding malarkey.

OP posts:

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 22:52

Thanks for your responses.

I agree with the general drift of responses here: solution is to ask C as well. It's only 6 weeks since I got engaged, and I'm seeing A and C next Wednesday, so I have a good opportunity. That way I'm not being a bossy arse, and we can just see how things go. Tis also true that nobody's going to be going SQUEEEE continuously for 18 months (least of all me ).

OP posts:

fivegomadindorset · 11/02/2011 22:54

I think the best solution would be to ivite C aswell.

Bogeyface · 11/02/2011 22:55

Having a "non Squealer" is a good thing, trust me! You can rely on her to be the sensible one, especially if you ask her to help with non squealy things like table plans and negotiating with suppliers. My BF is non squealy and I can say hand on heart that without her there would have been crap table decs, no flowers (or atleast crap ones!) and flowergirls in pants and vests as I couldnt make my mind up on dresses!

And ask C anyway. You could have A as Matron of Honour and B and C as BMs.

ReindeerBollocks · 11/02/2011 22:56

Ask A how B truly feels. If B is really all for it, then just ask C anyway and have three bridesmaids.

However, asking A may open up discussions for B to tell you how she really feels, and also scope out what A is feeling about it, as that is the real friendship.

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