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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to un-invite one bridesmaid and ask another?

76 replies

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 22:31

Sorry, long. And I'm probably being a bit bridezilla-ish, but anyway.

I'm getting married next year. My closest old friend (call her A) got got CP'd last year to a lovely lovely woman. Let's call BFF's wife B. I love them both to bits and see them all the time.

When I got engaged at Christmas, my first impulse was to ask the two of them to be my bridesmaids. But since them I've had second thoughts about B. A is my absolute best friend in the world, B is a good friend but a recent one (only knew her since she got together with A). I also have another great friend, C, who I was at uni with along with A.

I'm a bit worried that as B is a recent friend, I may not be able to rely on her with the whole wedding planning business: also she can be quite moody and unpredictable, and (I'm realising) isn't that into girly wedding-planning type stuff. She's more the sporty, no-nonsense type, and had little to do with planning the wedding with A.

I'm now starting to realise that I want A and C as bridesmaids, as they are BFFs of old old standing, and are just more into that kind of event planning than B. However, as B is married to A, and I've already asked both A and B, I am worried that I may upset both A and B if I ask B to step down in favour of C.

WWYD? Am I being precious here? My hunch is that this is something I need to sort out now (there's about 18 months to go) and be really clear and honest. But I don't want to hurt people's feelings.

OP posts:

princessglitter · 11/02/2011 22:56

Yes - this has happened to me twice! Both times the friendship was destroyed forever - I couldn't forgive it!

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 22:56

I'm at the idea of a special type of bridesmaid known as a 'Non-Squealer'.

OP posts:

Tolalola · 11/02/2011 22:57

If you ask C as well, then you could get B to be involved in planning some cool adventure-ish hen party/weekend, if that'd appeal to you?

I went on a really fun hen w/e once doing adventure sports in Wales during the day and drinking delicious wine and eating yummy food in the evening. Bliss.

spidookly · 11/02/2011 22:58

"Not sure what's weird about asking two women who I love dearly to be bridesmaids."

What's weird is that you only asked B because she is married to your "BFF" and you've now decided that she's not actually such a good friend, but just the wife of a friend and she's not going to be the kind of bridesmaid you want.

If you had only asked her because you loved her dearly you wouldn't be posting this thread.

Your problem is that you asked someone for the wrong reasons and now you want to back out.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 11/02/2011 23:02

God I didn't knoow you were xpected to planthe wedding if you're a bridesmaid!

I think she may not either....wy don't you just let her not take part in the planning...but have the 2 of them as one unit.

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 23:12

Spidookly That's not quite it. I asked both of them because they're the two women I see most often, and who I'm closest to. I didn't ask B because she's married to A, but because I consider her a dear friend.

Oooh, this is so hard to explain. And probably sounds odd. But:

I'm not a very girly girl. Or rather, I'm happy to be girly, but I get embarrassed about girliness if people are about who don't like that. B isn't into girly things at all. So I guess I'm worried that I'm going to be making B pretend she's interested in stuff she's not that into, and making myself feel awkward into the bargain.

But I really feel like I need friends around me who aren't jumpy or contemptuous about wedding planning chat. It's not at all that I expect my bridesmaids to do all the planning for me. Not at all! That's my problem.

not sure if that makes any sense.

OP posts:

tigitigi · 11/02/2011 23:22

not really sure I get you here - its jsut a wedding how much needs to be done - especially so far in advance and why would you need people to help you. Hire a venue, sort a menu buy a dress you can fit into, put some flowers in your hand - walk to the altar and say your vows. Along the way you will need a cake (easy) and some photographs (not difficult) whole thing takes a day max to sort out once you know the venue you want and the date they can give you.

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 23:22

Anyhoo, thanks for responses everyone.

Conclusion: IAB a bit U.

Solution: Ask C as well, then see what happens over the next 18 months.

Likely outcome: lovely wedding.

OP posts:

tigitigi · 11/02/2011 23:23

oh and I should have added - your husband should get a say in the decisions too.

hester · 11/02/2011 23:24

Keep her as a bridesmaid, and ask all three of them all the different ways you could see them filling that role, and what they would prefer to do. So, you could say, "I want someone to help me do squealing and planning, and I want someone else to take the lead on organising the hen night, and someone else to keep an eye on auntie Maude at the wedding... How do you think we can split this up? Is there anything you'd really like to help with, or anything you'd rather avoid? Have you actually got any time to help, or would you rather pitch up on the day?" or whatever, The point is that you can use this opportunity to have a good discussion about how they can help you on your special day, and avoid all the resentments over conflicting assumptions that we so oftten see popping up on these threads.

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 23:32

hester Wise words.

I think B can be relied on to come up with ideas for a hen do that wouldn't involve the usual horrendous luminous devil horns and minidress type nightmare (hers involved sumo wrestling...somehow... not sure that's quite what I'd have in mind but still...)

You're so right. There's a super-girly bit of me that wants to go SQUEEEEEE but there's a tomboy bit too. B is part of that. I was being a bit U to drag her to a SQUEEE event, but on reflection I don't think IABU to see her value as an important support in the whole thing.

OP posts:

curlymama · 11/02/2011 23:45

Definately ask C as well.

If you arent bothered about having them all in the same dresses you can always let them choose something differnt in a style that suits each girl but in the same fabric. Looks much better than having a bm in a style of dress that is completly unflattering.

It sounds like you are planning a fairly big wedding, and B sounds like the sort of person that will be invaluable on the day. We had a big wedding, and while my girlie bridesmaids were great for getting excited over table decorations with, on the day they didn't do much more than keep an eye on my dress and makeup. It was DH's best woman, a police officer and very no nonsence that did all the sorting. Even with a planner at the venue, a manager, a toastmaster around, and me planning to within an inch of my life, little things still come up on the day that require a no nonsense type of person around to make everything go smoothly. There will be little things you just cant't plan for, B sounds like the perfect person.

mumeeee · 12/02/2011 00:02

I would have all 3, DD1 had her 2 best friends from uni and her 2 younger sisters who were 17 and 19 at the time,

AlmightyCitrus · 12/02/2011 01:20

You describe B as sporty and no-nonsense, and more of a tomboy.
If you think she's not "feeling it" in the bridesmaid department, why not ask if she'd rather be an usher? Still an important support role, but less frilly.
And ask C.

MadamDeathstare · 12/02/2011 02:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsPennySworth · 12/02/2011 08:28

I know you've already said you will ask all three - just thought I would add that I definitely think this is the best option. Also I think it's really nice that you thought of your friends girlfriend like that. I tried to be like that too when asking mine and 2 of my bridesmaids were girlfriend of the best man (a couple we were close to anyway) and my sil (my brother was an usher). Thought it would be nice to involve them all in the day so they wouldn't be left out. Sil was 8 months pregnant at time of the wedding (this happened after I had asked her but there was still no way I would un-ask, she is family etc and was thinking of the positives that it was nice she was having my niece/nephew). Anyway ended up spending about 3 times the amount I budgeted on the dresses as the only company I could find that did maternity dresses in exact same colour as normal ones (this was something I really wanted! Didn't want them to look odd!) was really expensive. Would have rather got them from a high street shop but impossible to get same colours! Anyway, hey go, just got on with it, I told myself to suck it up, can't be mean, just sort it out etc

Fast forward one year and I get asked by sil/bil then unasked. It's really not nice

I think if you ask someone that's it. You shouldn't let them down. It's very mean and I think if people are really worried then they should leave it too as close to the time as possible to be sure.

Anyway, you've made the right decision I think

onceamai · 12/02/2011 08:31

You have to have A, B and C. Why on earth do you expect any of the bridesmaids to get involved with the wedding planning? Your dress, their dresses, Hen night.

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 08:34

As it is only six weeks since you got engaged and 18 months until you actually get married I beg you not to expect A, B or C to spend much time going SQUEEE about fabric, table decorations or anything else. Otherwise they will be heartily sick of your wedding long before it actually happens.

I'm not saying this to be unkind, I'm saying it to save you spending a weekend in tears in six months time because A or B or C (or possibly all three) refuse to go to the fourth wedding fair in a month with you. Your wedding planning is fascinating to you (just like babies are endlessly fascinating to their parents, but everyone else is going to be more interested when they can walk and talk).

QuintessentialShadows · 12/02/2011 08:39

This is not so much about bridesmaids as it is about Level of Squeee in a person, in relation to something like another persons wedding.

If your wedding is 18 months away, and you want somebody who will be with you to events and functions and plan the whole thing with you, like you see in american comedy dramas with a high squeal factor, then I think you are in danger of ruining the friendships with your bridesmaids. I think you possible need to be more relaxed. Chill and dont overthink. In the nicest possible way.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/02/2011 08:41

x post with georgiemama.

Honestly, other peoples weddings are boring. Weddings are a chore to attend. Nobody will give a toss about fabric, table decorations, stationary and the like, other than you. Better not to obsess, and take a more chilled attitude. You really cannot expect them to be excited about this.

Neither should you take for granted the giggles the night before. Shouldnt brides maids traditionally not be Married? I thought the matron of honour should be married, but bridesmaids not?

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 08:50

Boring and vastly expensive, Quint (nods sagely in agreement).

My poor cousin had this problem - she had a lovely wedding, she really did, but she stressed over every little detail and she was between a rock and a hard place as far as her female friends were concerned because half had been married for years and were well past discussing favours for hours on end, and the rest of her friends were still firmly living the single life and for them she was speaking another language.

We compromised: I pretended to be interested in her table decorations and she pretended to be interested in DS.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/02/2011 08:52

excellent compromise. Other peoples weddings are as boring as Other peoples children.

Longstocking2 · 12/02/2011 08:52

Can't you to talk to A about it discreetly? Say you're worried B won't be that into it? Might B not want to do it? Sort of thing

RunAwayWife · 12/02/2011 08:58

Have 3 bridesmaids.

I had a page boy a flower girl 2 bridesmaids and a matron of honour

Lizzywishes · 12/02/2011 11:55

I would be alarmed to find being a bridesmaid involved any more than arranging hen night, trying on dress(and pretending to like it) then doing my bit on the day. Planning the wedding is for bride and groom and maybe their families depending on who's paying. Unreasonable to expect anyone else to be excited about it. Having all 3 bridesmaids is definitely the right thing to do by the way. And congratulations!

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