Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to un-invite one bridesmaid and ask another?

76 replies

OTheHugeManatee · 11/02/2011 22:31

Sorry, long. And I'm probably being a bit bridezilla-ish, but anyway.

I'm getting married next year. My closest old friend (call her A) got got CP'd last year to a lovely lovely woman. Let's call BFF's wife B. I love them both to bits and see them all the time.

When I got engaged at Christmas, my first impulse was to ask the two of them to be my bridesmaids. But since them I've had second thoughts about B. A is my absolute best friend in the world, B is a good friend but a recent one (only knew her since she got together with A). I also have another great friend, C, who I was at uni with along with A.

I'm a bit worried that as B is a recent friend, I may not be able to rely on her with the whole wedding planning business: also she can be quite moody and unpredictable, and (I'm realising) isn't that into girly wedding-planning type stuff. She's more the sporty, no-nonsense type, and had little to do with planning the wedding with A.

I'm now starting to realise that I want A and C as bridesmaids, as they are BFFs of old old standing, and are just more into that kind of event planning than B. However, as B is married to A, and I've already asked both A and B, I am worried that I may upset both A and B if I ask B to step down in favour of C.

WWYD? Am I being precious here? My hunch is that this is something I need to sort out now (there's about 18 months to go) and be really clear and honest. But I don't want to hurt people's feelings.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2011 12:00

QS while I agree with you about the american comedy drama (excellent explanation :o) I take issue with "Honestly, other peoples weddings are boring. Weddings are a chore to attend. Nobody will give a toss about fabric, table decorations, stationary and the like, other than you"
DH's cousin is getting married at the end of the year and I don't think I could be much more excited if it were my wedding. Looking forward to the lot - hen night, wedding ceremony, reception, speeches etc. (Plus DD is a bridesmaid!). Only thing that does put me off is that I am meant to be on a diet between now and then

kittybuttoon · 12/02/2011 13:03

As A has been your BFF for the longest, could you have a quiet word with her and say
'I feel I might have lumbered B with a role she doesn't want. Be honest with me, and tell me if she wouldn't rather pull out? I just want her to enjoy the day, so if she doesn't fancy all the other stuff that goes with it, that's absolutely ok'

Then you have put the ball into A and B's court, but in a nice, caring way.

twinterror · 12/02/2011 13:16

Why don't you take your hubby to be squeeing to wedding events instead? Ar others have said let the bridesmaids do hen night etc but give then a break on the wedding planning , that is you and your husband to be to do. Go

tinierclanger · 12/02/2011 13:28

Some people are SQUEE!rs, definitely. I can be counted on for SQUEE!ing even when not a bridesmaid. I do it for other people's pregnancy details too. So I don't think it's unfair to hope B continues in that vein.

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 13:35

It is unfair if she's not a SQUEEr and is expected to be interested in other people's wedding minutae. "Hope" so easily becomes "expect".

tinierclanger · 12/02/2011 13:37

Oops I meant A not B! that completely misconstrues my comment!

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 13:40

Or anyone else to that matter. 18 months worth of SQUEE is enough to drive even the most demented devoted bridesmaid mad.

candyshop · 12/02/2011 14:04

There's nothing really I can add to this thread except to agree that you can't un-invite B to be your bridesmaid now that you've already asked her without causing bad feeling. I also think that if you speak with A about how you don't mind if B pulls out, you need to be really careful that it doesn't come across as if you are hinting that this is what you want her to do but would rather she said it first IYSWIM.

Also if you are going to ask C and she knows you've already asked A&B then I would ask her too sharpish so she doesn't feel like an after thought!

Another idea for avoiding pushing too much wedding planning onto your bridesmaids is to take your mum/sister/aunt etc to wedding events instead once in a while - gives your bridesmaids a break and gets female members of your family involved too.

Good luck with the wedding planning!

gerontius · 12/02/2011 14:26

SQEEEEEE

TrillianAstra · 12/02/2011 15:41

Show us some pictures of dresses, we'll go squee for you!

bupcakesandcunting · 12/02/2011 15:49

Ask B to be an usher. Tell her that you really need a reliable usher and would she prefer to do that instead of the bridesmaid thing? Tell her in a nice, jokey way that you've noticed she isn't all that into girly stuff so you thought she might prefer to be an usher but you have to make her think you want her involved in the wedding as you did ask her and it could cause grief between her and A and you and A too...

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 15:50

So because she's a lesbian you assume she wants to be an usher as if she's a man?

Okaaaaayyyy.......

bupcakesandcunting · 12/02/2011 15:57

Erm, no. Don't be such a pedestrian numpty. I had two female ushers at my wedding with two male ushers. Both in dresses. I knew they'd feel embarrassed at being bridesmaid but they'd hinted they'd like to be involved. Have also been to a wedding with the groom's sister as best woman.

Don't try that card with me.

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 15:58

Pedestrian?

Ooh MN is getting so clever these days. I'll put "that card" away and consider myself told.

bupcakesandcunting · 12/02/2011 16:00

Sorry.

Don't be such an obvious/boring/hacknied numpty.

You choose.

Georgimama · 12/02/2011 16:03

Oh I'll try to less predictable and pedestrian too, just for you.

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 12/02/2011 16:08

Oh no, my bridesmaids were girls and DHs best man a man, does that make us homophobic?
[tongue-in-cheek]

I agree btw, ask C asap so she doesnt feel an afterthought and find a way to check B wants to be involved. There is the possibility that she said yes to save offending you... :)

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2011 16:43

georgiemama, i had 2 female ushers too, don't think thet are lesbians! Plus the OP is having the OH as a bridesmaid!

StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2011 16:43

(well at the moment they are both bridesmaids, but ykwim)

QuintessentialShadows · 12/02/2011 19:17

pmsl at pedestrian numpty

That is the most ridiculous insult I have seen on mumsnet.

From now on, I shall always associate bupcakes with pedestrian numpty.

have some

TrillianAstra · 12/02/2011 20:24

Since there's a lesbian couple and only one would be asked to be an usher rather than bridesmaid, I think there's no particular bias going on.

Just a 'you like dresses and girly squeeing' vs 'you prefer not to squee unless absolutely necessary'.

Original poster

OTheHugeManatee · 25/02/2011 13:29

Update: I asked C. I also had a quiet word with A, where I explained that if B started to feel uncomfortable about the whole bridesmaid thing but was too polite to say anything, there was no pressure and we could find something less squeeee for her to do.

Problem solved, I think.

But I can't believe I stopped checking this thread and missed 'pedestrian numpty'.

OP posts:

KittaKatta · 25/02/2011 13:55

pedestrian numpty

Best non sweary insult everrrrrrrrrrrr

Love it

TrillianAstra · 25/02/2011 14:07

shewasashowgirl · 25/02/2011 15:09

Do bridesmaids help with the planning? Never knew that!

Flip

1 2 3 4