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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable or is DP? Please come and tell me.

34 replies

bumpsnowjustplump · 09/02/2011 17:38

Back story is that I had some real issues with food, my weight etc when in my teens and really dont want my dc's to have the same, so dont want to make an issue of food......

Anyway DD is almost 4 and DS is almost 2.

They both eat everything BUT both go through real stages of not eating food that I make them (food that they ate the week before.) DS in particuar is really bad. He will go days with out eating dinner. Anyway today ds has not eaten his dinner and after 20 mins or so I remove the dinner and give him pudding (in this case yoguart and banana)when dd is ready for hers.

DP has just said that i encourage him not to eat by giving him pudding when he hasnt eaten dinner. And that I need to get tough with him and not feed him anything else if he hasnt even touched his dinner.....
I on the other hand would hate him to be hungry and the fact that he normally eats so well then maybe is feeling a little poorly or something... I also think that 2 (well 2 next week) is too little to learn this lesson and as his communication is still very limited he cant tell us why he hasn't eaten...

So MN who is right? Thanks in advance Grin

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 17:41

both of you.

Like your husband if my son would not eat his dinner (he is 2.5) then he will go without.

But if he normally does eat well and this time you feel he may be a little ill then there is nothing wrong with giving him somthing you know he will eat. but try not to make it a regular thing.

fedupofnamechanging · 09/02/2011 17:42

I think you will get 50/50 on this. I think you are right if pudding consists of fruit/yoghurt, but not if it consisted of cake.

My 3 year old DD does not like very many 'proper' cooked dinners. She is a grazer, so I let her eat healthy snacks throughout the day and don't worry if she leaves dinner. I don't think it really matters when they eat, so long as they are eating and getting all their nutrients.

Original poster
bumpsnowjustplump · 09/02/2011 17:47

thank you both. DS is getting worse with his eating if I am honest, He will refuse to eat dinner at least twice a week.. He always eat breakfast and they share a sandwich at lunch time.

OP posts:
BeatriceLaBranche · 09/02/2011 17:49

I don't feed my DC pudding (and by pudding I mean strawberries, grapes, bananas or small ice cream/lollies) unless they eat their dinner(or make a good stab at it).

They of course do get fruit etc during the day, but don't seem to associate that with dinner.

BeatriceLaBranche · 09/02/2011 17:51

Oh and I approach it by saying, "if you're too full to not eat dinner, then you can't possibly fit in pudding" rather than "if you don't eat your dinner, you're not getting pudding".

taintedpaint · 09/02/2011 17:51

I wouldn't be offering the pudding tbh, but I think your way is valid also. I just don't think, IMO, that you are encouraging him to try eating the dinner if he knows he'll get something else anyway.

roadkillbunny · 09/02/2011 17:52

I don't think either of you are wrong, you both just have different ideas so it is something you need to talk about at a time when no children are about.
I have never wanted to make food a flash point in our house, I never insist plates should be clear, I don't expect the DC (aged 5.5 and 2.11) to like everything but do encourage them to try things. If they haven't touched anything on their plate then I don't give pudding and I also don't cook alternatives however if they have made at least a small effort and pudding is fruit/ yoghurt then they will have pudding.
I have never had much of an issue with mine in regards to food, some weeks they will eat me out of house and home and others eat like birds, I encourage them to listen to their bodies cues in regards to how much they need to eat and don't get upset (in front of them anyway) if they don't really touch a lovely cooked meal they ate last week.
I think, IMO, that the only time you run into trouble is if you give the idea that the main course is just something to get through in order to get pudding.

MrSpoc · 09/02/2011 17:52

if he is getting worse then may be your husband is right.

My son plays up when we go to his grans. always up and down his chair. We end up putting him on the naughty step. He then eats his dinner no problem.

saffy85 · 09/02/2011 17:53

Well... my DD who is 3 does not get pudding if she hasn't eaten much or any dinner. This is simply because to my mind, if she isn't hungry enough for dinner she can't possibly be hungry enough for pudding.

Having said that, I will offer her fruit or maybe toast with butter after a while.

If you'd given DS cake or something treat like I could see your DH's point more.

BeatriceLaBranche · 09/02/2011 17:53

DS is a really faddy eater, DD seems to follow his cues (although eats everything when he is at preschool).

I try to keep everything consistent, I make meals that I know he eats and keep the rules the same.

TattyDevine · 09/02/2011 17:53

I expect my children to have a reasonable stab at dinner before getting anything else, regardless of what pudding is. If they haven't eaten much of the dish, then I'll often try and "make up" for that in pudding - so if they hadn't had much protein, pudding might be a dollop of greek yogurt with honey, whereas if they hadn't had any carbohydrate I might crack open a Mullerrice.

If they'd made a good attempt and eaten a balanced meal then I might roll out the ice cream.

They dont "know" this, its just how I sort of balance things.

I dont do a "clear your plate or you get no pudding" thing because it (a) might encourage them to overeat or learn to ignore the "not hungry anymore" signals and (b) it sort of sends the message that the main part of the meal must be endured in order to get to the good stuff.

But like I said above they do have to have some of it, no nonsense etc.

Original poster
bumpsnowjustplump · 09/02/2011 18:05

Thank you all it is much appreciated. I think I need to change my stance on this one.

It is just so hit and miss with DS. One day he will eat everything I put in front of him and more... but the next he wont even take a mouthful, just says no and thats it..

DD is easier as she will only not try something if she is poorly so i can ignore that really..

So my next question is how do i communicate this to him? He really is behind on his speach so not sure he will understand..

OP posts:
Original poster
bumpsnowjustplump · 09/02/2011 18:08

dp also says if he had a couple of mouthfuls and didn't like/want it then it would be different, as you have all said as well...

OP posts:
tillyfernackerpants · 09/02/2011 18:19

Ds1 went through a similar phase to yours, and I stopped doing pudding at all, even fruit/yogurts. He has to try everything on his plate but doesn't have to finish everything.

We had to do a reward chart, lots of praise etc for trying new things, but we eventually got there. Having said that, he was 3 so a bit easier to implement it.

At 2, they're starting to be frustrating independent and food is one of the ways they feel they can control iyswim. I'm still waiting for ds2 to enter that phase! But the most important thing is not to make a big issue of it, as I'm sure you know. Just gently encourage, no mention of pudding, lots of praise when they try something/eat up etc.

hth & good luck Smile

omletta · 09/02/2011 18:29

I have real issues with witholding food & it's a flash point with me & my DH. Kids go through phases and I really think the best thing to do is to not draw attention to it. I never do pudding though, we don't eat it so why would we want our DCs to establish the habit.
If dinner isn't eaten I have no issue with some fruit or toast later on.

midori1999 · 09/02/2011 18:31

We don't really have puddings in our house except for a treat, or the DC can have fruit if they want it, so it's never really been an issue for us.

I do think though, I'd be inclined in your sons case (as you say he can not eat dinner for days and is getting worse) to not give him pudding if he doesn't make a real effort to eat his dinner (not make him clear his plate, just eat a reasonable amount) but then if he does seem hungry later on let him have the banana and yoghurt or some toast then.

curlymama · 09/02/2011 18:33

Whatever you do, don't stop offering him food that he says he doesn't like. He has to see th efood on a plate in fromt of him and be given the chance to try it. Even if you know you are just going to be wasting food.

Mil atopped feeding Dh anything he said he didn't like when he was 5, and he literally grew up eating chips, eggs, sweets, some fruit and ice cream. He had a real phobia as a result and it has been incredibly hard for him to get over it, it will never truly be gone.

I think it sounds like you are doing fine though. Maybe you could give him a bigger lunch if you want to go down the route of not giving him anything if he doesn't eat his dinner. It would help put your mind at rest, but do remember that a child that young will not starve themselves.

thisisyesterday · 09/02/2011 18:35

i thik you are doing the right thing op

food should ever be see as a reward, or a bribe.

too often children are bribed too finish their dinner or eat x amount regardless of whether they are hungry or like it, with the "if you don't eat your dinner you won't get pudding"

you make pudding this ultimate thing, the desirable part of a meal, the "prize" you get when you've finished the boring part...

a bit of fruit or a small yoghurt won't fill him up. he won't learn not to eat dinner just so he can have a satsuma after. He will learn that if you don' eat dinner ad only have pudding you get hungry later.

and whe he gets hungry later you can re-heat his dinner (if suitable for reheating).

Nagoo · 09/02/2011 18:38

I don't make my DS eat all his dinner, and I don't make him eat things he doesn't like (eg peas) even though I carry on putting them on his plate

But he won't get pudding if he's a) not behaved at the table and I've warned him (I count to 5, if he does 5 things 'naughty' then no pudding) or b) not made a decent attempt on the dinner.

Nagoo · 09/02/2011 18:40

I've never had any food issues, so maybe I just don't get it, but thisisyesterday please can you explain why food should not be a reward?

Original poster
bumpsnowjustplump · 09/02/2011 18:46

Thank you all I have to go to work now but will be checking back in at the end of my shift..

OP posts:
activate · 09/02/2011 18:53

but 2 year olds don't eat normal meals 3 times a day - I mean that they can eat a normal meal and then go a couple of days without seeming to eat

I wouldn't fret it personally

abenstille · 09/02/2011 19:20

Think it was Gina Ford who said to look at your childs diet over a period of days (did she say 3? - cant remember). That way if he eats nothing one dinner time, its no biggy. I still offer dessert, but trust theyre not too hungry. Hope that helps

annie987 · 09/02/2011 19:24

I think you are definitley right. Food shouldn't be used as a bargaining tool as that is where lots of food issues come from.
If you only give pudding when the main course has been eaten then that is what you are doing.
Giving pudding regardless takes away any 'power of the pudding'! and means that food refusal is not acknowledged or made a fuss of.

DaftApeth · 09/02/2011 19:41

I would continue with the approach that you have at the moment.

As you say, he has not got enough language yet to explain to him what he has to do in order to get 'puddng'. By refusing him food after his main meal, you risk mealtimes becoming a battle of wills between you and him.

Once behaviour issues develop around meals, they are quite hard to change. So I woud just keep on maintaining calm and enjoyable mealtimes.

As others have said, keep offering him a range of foods, perhaps don't let him fill himself on a drink before or during a meal and look at his diet over a week and you will find it all evens out.