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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if you had invited someone to your house and they didn't reply . . .

29 replies

BalloonSlayer · 08/02/2011 18:16

and the date you had invited them to come over was now approaching?

History - old friend of many years, very fond of her but she has become flaky the last few years - constantly cancels, can hardly ever make dates suggested, doesn't call when she says she will/reply to emails very much.

She lives a long distance away from us, and it's difficult for us to go to them as they have animals which DH and one DC are allergic to, and as it is a long drive you don't want to make it just a quick visit. Nevertheless the last time we did see them, we went there I think.

Was trying to arrange to see her and three other old friends at the start of the year. She was the one who couldn't make all the dates the others could . . . she suggested a date the others couldn't make and I said, well why not come to ME that day, as the others can't make that day. I had no reply to that email and had frankly forgotten all about it until I realised that it's this weekend.

What if she contacts me out of the blue and says "are you still OK for us to come to you?"

What if she doesn't? Should I chase her or be offended?

BTW she is a really nice person and there definitely isn't any snubbing going on here. It's just, well, how it is...

OP posts:
bubbleOseven · 08/02/2011 18:18

just pick up the phone and speak to her

YABU

HecateQueenOfWitches · 08/02/2011 18:19

What if she just shows up?

Why don't you phone her and ask her? Better that than texts or emails.

claricebeansmum · 08/02/2011 18:19

same as bubble - phone and ask if she is still coming.

Original poster
BalloonSlayer · 08/02/2011 18:20

Trouble is, not sure I can be arsed, bubble

I am not so desperate to cook a big Sunday lunch for another family that I will chase them.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/02/2011 18:20

I would assume she isnt coming.

alarkaspree · 08/02/2011 18:20

If you want her to come, ring her and say, 'not sure how we left it but you're still very welcome to come if you want to.' If you don't want her to come then leave it. From your description of her I think it's unlikely she'll show up without a reminder.

And don't be offended, as you are confident she's not snubbing you. Be irritated by all means though, she sounds like she's not putting much effort in to your friendship.

Original poster
BalloonSlayer · 08/02/2011 18:20

"still coming"

She never said she was coming in the first place

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 08/02/2011 18:22

I would assume she isn't coming as well, tbh. She's probably forgotten completely; or she may not have registered your invitation at all; or she just doesn't want to come.

Let it go. :)

bubbleOseven · 08/02/2011 18:22

Well if you can't be bothered to cook for her why invite her for a meal in the first place? seriously, I'm puzzled.

SixtyFootDoll · 08/02/2011 18:23

I would ring and ask her if she is still coming, you did the inviting in the first plaace

HecateQueenOfWitches · 08/02/2011 18:24

Well then, you don't have a problem.

Assume that she is not.

If she contacts you, then say sorry, since she didn't reply, you assumed she was not coming.

However, that leaves you with a problem if she just turns up.

I suppose you could email and say "sorry you weren't able to come up this weekend. Give me a call sometime and we'll arrange something."

Then if she contacts you, you can do the whole "Oh, you didn't reply so I assumed you weren't available" thing.

doozle · 08/02/2011 18:24

If she didn't reply, I'm pretty sure she's not coming.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 08/02/2011 18:25

If you've invited someone I would assume they can come. Rather than cook a huge lunch make the children do home made pizzas for lunch and do a simple pasta dish and salad for the adults. It doesn't have to be difficult or expensive.

Original poster
BalloonSlayer · 08/02/2011 18:25

"Well if you can't be bothered to cook for her why invite her for a meal in the first place? seriously, I'm puzzled."

  • of course I could be bothered to cook for her, that's why I invited her. But only if she wanted to come. If she doesn't want to come enough to reply to my email then I'd have to be a bit desperate to try to guilt her into coming.

I only want to cook for people that want to eat it, IYSWIM

OP posts:
QuestionNumber · 08/02/2011 18:26

Go away for the weekend.

sparklyjewlz · 08/02/2011 18:29

Can you be absolutely sure she got your email?

crystalglasses · 08/02/2011 18:30

Just say 'I haven't heard from you about coming here this weekend.Would love to see you but if you can't make it could you let me know asap so I know what to do about food shopping'.

Original poster
BalloonSlayer · 08/02/2011 18:50

Hmm this thread has helped me crystallise my thoughts somewhat.

I think that not replying to an email with a clear invitation in it is rude. (The email was in reply to her suggesting dates to see all of us, so I think she got it, otherwise she would be wondering why all the emails had petered out.)

I therefore think it would serve her bloody well right if she asked if it was still OK to come and I said "oh you didn't reply so we made other arrangements."

However, we don't have other arrangements, as luck would have it. So that would be cutting of my nose to spite my face.

Anyhoo, I expect I shall hear nothing Sad

At the risk of being "by stealth" I had arranged for the whole group of us to meet at my house last year. I asked them all if we could change the day as something had cropped up and this particular friend replied with "lets just meet up separately," ie she was cancelling MY get-together in MY house. (I didn't cancel it, of course) So I guess I do have a bit of a case of sour grapes. I think she probably doesn't feel close enough to bother to see me by myself, she just wants the group thing.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/02/2011 19:03

Well you do have something planned. A day with no visitors and no heavy catering to do!

If she does turn up to you still in your PJs and no food to offer then I think she will get the message.

After what you have said about her though I think I would stop getting in touch and see what happens. It may be that this friendship has run its course.

doozle · 08/02/2011 20:13

Yes it is bloody rude. Just plan a nice relaxing weekend instead.

bubblewrapped · 08/02/2011 20:15

I suppose it depends on how long ago you arranged this... it it was a week ago, then chances are she would turn up.. if it was three months ago and you havent spoken about it since, then chances are she has forgotten about it...

GloriaSmut · 08/02/2011 20:22

If she's not made any attempt to reply to your invitation then it is NBU to assume she's not coming.

On the other hand, I have a friend who never, sodding well sends a simple confirmation of arrangements. But always turns up.

Only you know your friend though. But it sounds to me as if you are unlikely to be entertaining her.

ZillionChocolate · 08/02/2011 20:35

She's being rude in not replying. I wouldn't chase her. If she turns up, get a take away.

ChilledChick2 · 08/02/2011 20:39

You could send her another email asking if she's still coming this weekend, let her know that you'll need to know by Friday otherwise you'll assume she can't make it. It gives her time to reply and if she doesn't, then you can assume she's not coming and make other arrangements.

StealthPolarBear · 08/02/2011 20:40

"At the risk of being "by stealth" I had arranged for the whole group of us to meet at my house last year. I asked them all if we could change the day as something had cropped up and this particular friend replied with "lets just meet up separately," ie she was cancelling MY get-together in MY house. (I didn't cancel it, of course) So I guess I do have a bit of a case of sour grapes. I think she probably doesn't feel close enough to bother to see me by myself, she just wants the group thing."

But she suggested meeting up separately so doesn't want the group thing, surely?

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