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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or wwyd re money....

88 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 07/02/2011 10:27

Ok.....

Dh is very tight and generally a bit if an arse (I have a thread about his attitudes etc elsewhere) and each month he keeps about £200-300 for spending money (no bus fares, card paid out of household, no petrol or phone so basically for beer and magazines and anything that takes his fancy...) I am lucky to have £10-20 for spending..... We both have the same income, no joint account etc... I know I am a mug for making up the shortfall but like I said he can be a real arse!

Anyway, this morning in the post I have gotten a cheque for £100 from a local charity lottery, I pay £4.50-ish a month to support the charity and play.. It would appear that I have won last week! I have also had a refund of £50 on my car tax- had to scrap car as couldn't put through Mot.... The £50 I will put towards the savings for a replacement car.... Have a pot for loose change!

Aibu to keep quiet about the £100 and use it towards some bills? Wwyd aibu? Am I being as bad as him if I keep quiet?

OP posts:
Pigglesworth · 07/02/2011 10:29

Based on your description of him, I would keep quiet! Sounds like this small windfall is long overdue for you.

Plumm · 07/02/2011 10:29

I'd keep it quiet, and I'd stop subsidising his lifestyle aswell.

Itsjustafleshwound · 07/02/2011 10:29

I would spend it on myself.

I would also start insisting on a fairer division of money - how old is he - 6??

elliott · 07/02/2011 10:29

What will happen if you don't 'keep quiet' - surely if your accounts are separate you can just tell him you've got an unexpected windfall this month. Why not spend it on yourself?

Why do you have so much less than him left each month? what is the 'shortfall' you make up? Is he not contributing fairly to the family expenses?

bubblewrapped · 07/02/2011 10:30

I wouldnt even put it towards bills, I would keep it and treat myself with it!

Why do you not sort your finances out so that the balance is fair? Why on earth is he keeping so much money back and you are left with virtually nothing?

Dropdeadfred · 07/02/2011 10:30

Sorry but is this for real??? you leave yourelf short of cash while he squanders YOUR earnings???
does he know you have no money for yourself?

TotemPole · 07/02/2011 10:30

Surely your main concern should be that you earn the same amount but are putting more towards the household each month.

Whether or not to hide a one off £100 doesn't really deal with the real isue.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/02/2011 10:30

I certainly wouldn't use it toward some bills. I'd get something I wanted.
Your DP sounds a bit of an arse TBH, why are you subsidising him?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 07/02/2011 10:31

Yes. You are being a mug to make up the shortfall.

If he is that much of an arse that he will see his family go without essentials because he is not prepared to give up some of his 'spending money' then he is an arse.

And without wanting to be cruel, more fool you for staying.

Sorry. I don't mean to be a bitch, but you are choosing this life. You can choose differently. You can take a stand.

And no. I wouldn't use the £100 for bills. I would tell him I had won it, spend it on myself and stand up to him re his selfish spending money attitude.

Sarsaparilllla · 07/02/2011 10:32

I think you should treat yourself to something nice with it tbh, unless you desperatley need it for bills, I think you deserve a treat if you rarely have much money to spend on yourself!!

And I think you need to confront your DH about the financial situation, that's totally unfair and ridiculous he has 3200 to spend on what he likes and you have so little!!

GypsyMoth · 07/02/2011 10:32

Er, this is financial abuse!! Part of dv really

Why are you accepting this op???

prettymuchapixiegirl · 07/02/2011 10:33

Dropdeadfred has said exactly what I was going to say.

He sounds like a child, putting himself and his pocket money needs before his financial responsibilities.

marriednotdead · 07/02/2011 10:33

YANBU to keep your windfall to yourself. Don't spend it on bills though, do something for you with it!

Not read your other threads so I don't know the history, but surely something has to give. It's just not fair to allow him to bully you into financial submission Sad

Lawm01 · 07/02/2011 10:34

I would either put the £100 towards the new car fund, or buy something like shoes or a coat or a haircut or similar. ie, a 'treat' that he can't argue with.

Then tell him what you've done and where the money came from. Point out that this windfall has allowed you to spend on some luxuries that you can't normally afford because you subsidise his pocket money.

This should open a conversation about the inequality in your respective 'free' money.

Actually, now I think about it, why should you buy shoes or a coat with your windfall - if you don't need it for bills or essentials, then blow the lot on a manicure or chocolate or whatever takes your fancy. But still tell him - not through guilt but to get the message across that you deserve to have fun money too.

TotemPole · 07/02/2011 10:39

Put the £100 towards your escape fund.

Tortington · 07/02/2011 10:44

why the fuck are you paying bills in secret with your winnings

VeggieReggie · 07/02/2011 10:44

The fact that you even have to ask this shows how far he has undermined your ability to be self-determining, or else how low your self confidence is.

Make your own decision what to do with this money, make it on your own terms, according to what YOU most want to do. It is your money, you won it, and it is not ours, or your DHs place to tell you what to do with it.

TrillianAstra · 07/02/2011 10:47

You are a mug.

If you are a family then you should have the same amount of spare cash to do as you please with.

Do you have children? You need to sort this out or leave sharpish as it will only get worse. I can't imagine a man like this would be happy to put 'his' money towards childcare, or contribute more towards the household if you cut down hours because of having children.

Nelly123 · 07/02/2011 10:47

I am about to take an unpaid career break. My husband will be paid wages buy we will both earn them. I would spend money on myself (not bills)

GypsyMoth · 07/02/2011 10:47

Second an escape fund!!!!! This is not the 1950's!!

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 07/02/2011 10:50

third the escape fund. Are you seriously happy living with someone who treats you this way????

Please don't pay the bills - spend it entirely on yourself!!!!!!!!!

Olessaty · 07/02/2011 10:54

I'd not be able to see him doing this month in, moth out without getting so mad I'd tell him what a wanker he was being. Have you ever broached the subject? Keep the winnings for yourself for a change and make him put £100 of his money away for the car.

Foreverondiet · 07/02/2011 10:55

TBH I don't understand why you go along with what you have described in your OP...

Why does he have £200 spending each money when you don't, he might be an arse but you a mug. Why even put towards bills? Make him pay share and use it for yourself. Do you have kids with this man - if not seriously think through the consequences before you go ahead.

GypsyMoth · 07/02/2011 10:55

Where does the child benefit/tax credits go???

Hassled · 07/02/2011 10:56

Keep quiet and sort your wanker of a DH out. If that means a separate account each, with one joint for bills (and you each pay in the same amount each month) then do it.