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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or wwyd re money....

88 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 07/02/2011 10:27

Ok.....

Dh is very tight and generally a bit if an arse (I have a thread about his attitudes etc elsewhere) and each month he keeps about £200-300 for spending money (no bus fares, card paid out of household, no petrol or phone so basically for beer and magazines and anything that takes his fancy...) I am lucky to have £10-20 for spending..... We both have the same income, no joint account etc... I know I am a mug for making up the shortfall but like I said he can be a real arse!

Anyway, this morning in the post I have gotten a cheque for £100 from a local charity lottery, I pay £4.50-ish a month to support the charity and play.. It would appear that I have won last week! I have also had a refund of £50 on my car tax- had to scrap car as couldn't put through Mot.... The £50 I will put towards the savings for a replacement car.... Have a pot for loose change!

Aibu to keep quiet about the £100 and use it towards some bills? Wwyd aibu? Am I being as bad as him if I keep quiet?

OP posts:
Ladyofthehousespeaking · 07/02/2011 12:44

Don't use it on bills!!!!!!!
For god sake woman!
Buy yourself a big old box of chocs and a hamper from Molton brown Grin

elliott · 07/02/2011 12:53

What's your current set up for paying bills etc? Presumably he makes some contribution/you split them somehow? If so can't you just say - look, here is a list of household spending, you need to contribute 50% (if you really do have the same income, if not I would suggest split in proportion to income), here's what I expect you to pay for?
How does he justify not paying as much as you towards the bills?

elliott · 07/02/2011 12:56

When you have rows, out of interest, what does the think he should be putting in to the household expenses?

You need to sort this out BEFORE you have a well paid job - otherwise that will give him an even better excuse to let you pay for everything.
Some men seem to have no self respect.

QuickLookBusy · 07/02/2011 13:03

Oh I feel so sorry for youSad

I'm at SAHM, I bring in NO money. My DH respects me, supports me in anything I want to do, WANTS me to be happy. At the weekend he also cooks, clears out the odd cupbaord, and sometimes gets the hoover out. The amount of money you bring into a partnership, should have no relation to the respect you have for each other.

You should not be letting your husband treat you like this. Please, put that money away for yourself, and start to make plans to leave.

Arion · 07/02/2011 21:22

I'm on mat leave at present, whether I am bringing money in or not I wouldn't expect to be treated like you are. Husband on x3 my salary (part time to look after DD). We have our wages go into joint account where all bills get paid from, then each of us get the same amount each month into own separate bank accounts as unaccountable spending money. We then agree not to complain if he spends £50 on beer on a night out (not that that happened recently with 3yr old DD Grin) and he doesn't complain if I come home with yet more books, magazines, bags etc!! We both bring different things to the relationship but it's a matter of respecting that these are different but equal value.

PinkIceQueen · 07/02/2011 21:31

Why should he get more spending money than you op? I don't understand?

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 07/02/2011 21:54

I don't know why either to be honest.... I have been too soft and give in for an easy life I guess... He moans and grumps around if he doesn't get his own way like a teenager and until now I have just tried to keep the peace and keep the family intact but it's not a good example to the kids....

I need to stand up for myself and accept that if he won't change then we will need to split.... We have forgotten how to have fun together and a complete lack of support or babysitting chances we have only been out twice together since dd was born. Perhaps if we had more fun times he might start to respect me as an individual... Perhaps not....

OP posts:
Katey1010 · 08/02/2011 05:40

He has stopped respecting you. Horrible as that is I don't think he is going to magically start respecting you because you go on a date or get a different job.

Two things to try:

  1. Write a proper written budget together that includes everything and has in black and white what is going on what and what is left over. That gets split two ways. Agree what is pocket money and what isn't. Is fancy food groceries or pocket money and so on.
  1. Leave.
PonceyMcPonce · 08/02/2011 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceamai · 08/02/2011 07:13

Reading between the lines here and I'm surprised nobody else has picked upon on this and it isn't an excuse for him but you have referred to your DS 11 and our dd 14 months throughout this thread. Is DS yours and not his and is this the nub of the problem in that he thinks he deserves an extra 200 to 300 because financially DS isn't his responsibility.

We have always had separate accounts and have never questioned what the other spends. When I was a SAHM I certainly spent a lot less on myself than I do now but now that I am working I certainly don't expect to account for what I do spend. We aren't on a tight budget but I would certainly say that I spend about a fiver a day just on the odd coffee or tea and lunch. I don't think an allowance of 200 to 300 is that great but if you really only have 20 then it needs to be split more fairly.

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 08/02/2011 07:26

Yes ds is not his but he has a 15 year old dd who wants to live with us after gcse's

OP posts:
onceamai · 08/02/2011 07:41

Then you need to sort out a sensible budget and put down some ground rules for the future possibly with some counselling. Unless he can reflect and behave normally you will end up looking after two of his children plus one of your own financially and emotionally. I'd be inclined to cut my losses. Your 11 year old probably won't be too bothered and the baby won't remember. You will soon be earning a decent wage and tbh I would set yourself up to provide for your own children and let him sort out his daughter. At the end of the day you are asking a forum what to do with 100 and that speaks volumes.

WillbeanChariot · 08/02/2011 07:46
  1. Ditch him.
  1. Spend the money on whatever you like.

Seriously, he sounds like a total arse. My DH earns about five times as much as me now I work part time. We have one account that we pay bills and take cash from. If either of us wants to buy something expensive we talk it through together. It's our family money, not his and mine. In fact, when I work full time I do more hours and usually more stress for half his wage, and he respects that.

ongakgak · 08/02/2011 07:55

wow- what a shame, for all of you.

If you are not going to leave him then if I were you I would be super organised and pretty petty about it all.

I would, get all our finances on paper, what comes in/out what gets spent on what. I would make him a big copie, stick it on the fridge or something. Try and talk about the unfairness of his spending, if he doesn't want to know, then I would do the following.

Budget for him- if he wants to spend £200/300 a month, then he has to do without luxuries, so I would do a bog shop, and normal stuff for me and the kids, the basic, cheapest of the cheap for him, no meat- too expensive, crap white value bread, no beer, no snacks- too expensive.

Make sure all of the bills are paid, then take all the cash out of the account, and give him his £200, then Meal plan- ordinary nice stuff for you and the kids, cheap crap for him. Horrid shower gel, cheap shampoo, scratchy loo roll. No petrol in his car if you run separate cars.

If he is taking out so much money the he feels the shortfall, not you. If he complains, take him by the hand, and have a look at the lovely big spending break down, let him know how it is all in his hands to change things.

Do it for a month, no change, then kick him out.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 08/02/2011 07:58

Hang on is this the same posted whose arse of a husband wants their 14mo to not have her own room so his dd can?

I am sorry I am going to be really harsh here.

WHY are you with this man? You are doing a PhD and he doesn't respect you for that? Then he will NEVER respect you. He is taking you for a mug and you, your ds and your dd deserve better than to see their mum being used as a door mat.

Keep all over the £150 for an escape fund.

RunAwayWife · 08/02/2011 08:00

Put the £100 towards a divorce and get rid of your husband, he is a prick

eden263 · 08/02/2011 08:23

I was in a similar situation to OP so I can sympathise with the difficulty you face. I earned much less than my ex-H but worked twice the hours (approx 70 per week, in 2 very poorly paid jobs) AND did everything for our two DC, and all the housework. He paid the mortgage (though I had paid approx 1/3 of the value of the house as a deposit when we bought it) and I paid all the bills and bought all the kids' clothes & toys. We went halves on shopping. I found it very hard to scrape by (hence the 2 jobs) whereas he HAD to have a few hundred quid left each month for himself. It was a huge bone of contention the whole 9 years we were together, but he refused to budge as he was a very selfish and self-centered man. When I found out that he'd taken out a couple of loans behind my back, it was the final straw.

I had no way of saving for an escape fund, this is the vicious circle you get into in this situation, but one year, after Xmas, I took out all the money I'd put by for bills, used my Xmas money, hired a van & did a runner. The other problem is finding somewhere to run to. I went to family, which wasn't ideal, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I never would.

He won't change, OP. I wish you the best of luck.

melikalikimaka · 08/02/2011 08:35

What a meanie! Don't be silly, girl, keep it, get something naughty for yourself. Don't tell him but I would ask for more money for yourself in future. Don't have this problem, quite the opposite, my DH is so generous.Smile

valiumredhead · 08/02/2011 08:44

What Hecate said! With bells on!!

OMG - you are asking if you would BU to spend £100 on bills - when he is spending 4x that each month on what he wants????

My flaber is so ghasted I don't even know where to start!

I am a SAHM, dh earns the dosh, I have complete access to everything. If I didn't he wouldn't be my dh!

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 08/02/2011 08:50

Thanks everyone and yes dh wants dsd to have her own room if she moves in later this year which means dd will be in with us until dsd moves out....

It is serious talking time.....

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/02/2011 09:06

Obviously I missed a thread but (and at risk of getting a rollocking!) what was the problem with the own room for the DSD? If she is living there, and a late teen at that, I would give her her own room too.

ivykaty44 · 08/02/2011 09:08

you need to tackle the problem and have a fair way to divide left over money after bills.

monkeyflippers · 08/02/2011 09:10

OP . . . I'm sorry honey but he's just not a very nice man.

You keep making excuses for him but they are very weak "grasping at straws" escuses. His selfishness has nothing to do with your job or the fact that you aren't able to go out on dates with him. It's because he is a selfish stingy man who is happy for you to go without while he has loads.

I know that you don't want your marriage to fail but at the moment you are affectively paying for him to stay with you.

There is no equality in this relationship at all and if he is like this about money I can only imagine what he is like in all other areas of life.

You need to work on your self confidence as you shouldn't let people treat you like this. I really feel he is taking you for a ride.

swallowedAfly · 08/02/2011 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

melikalikimaka · 08/02/2011 09:15

He is a pig! Angry