Aibu or wwyd re money....

[notremotelyintofootie]

Ok.....

Dh is very tight and generally a bit if an arse (I have a thread about his attitudes etc elsewhere) and each month he keeps about £200-300 for spending money (no bus fares, card paid out of household, no petrol or phone so basically for beer and magazines and anything that takes his fancy...) I am lucky to have £10-20 for spending..... We both have the same income, no joint account etc... I know I am a mug for making up the shortfall but like I said he can be a real arse!

Anyway, this morning in the post I have gotten a cheque for £100 from a local charity lottery, I pay £4.50-ish a month to support the charity and play.. It would appear that I have won last week! I have also had a refund of £50 on my car tax- had to scrap car as couldn't put through Mot.... The £50 I will put towards the savings for a replacement car.... Have a pot for loose change!

Aibu to keep quiet about the £100 and use it towards some bills? Wwyd aibu? Am I being as bad as him if I keep quiet?

Def serious talking time. However even if you do do some serious talking I would still open another bank account - just in case. And..have an emergency escape plan ( where would you go, what woudl you need to take).

When you have your serious talk is it possible to open an joint account( where both sigs are required to withdraw money in case he decides to help himself!) for all of your Direct Debits/shopping etc to come out of. Then once you've worked out how much the joint costs are per month you both arrange a standing order for that amount. If he doesn't pay his share, the bills don't get paid!!

I do think you need to be tough with him or get out. Tell him if things aren't split equally or he doesn't pay in what he should you'll go. Like you said it isn't a good example to set for your children. Actually by the sounds of it you may actually be financially better off without him as you won't be paying for his car/insurance/petrol/food/clothes etc etc....

You are obviously a very bright woman as you are doing a phd. You don't need to put up with this bullying so put an end to it now. You never know he may just bakc down - often that's what bullies do when confronted!

Sending hugs and confidence vibes. Be strong. xx

if the marriage has failed, it's failed. pretending it hasn't won't make it any less shit.

Totally agree with this.

You don't get medals for this!

What a wank!

'It is serious talking time.....'

Be strong notremotely - you CAN do it, you CAN stand up to this bully - because this is what he is.

Tosspot, he is.

Financial arrangements in a relationship should be based on trust, respect, honesty and equality. On that basis, I don't think it would be right to hide the money from him (two wrongs don't make a right, and can often make a bad situation worse).

However, as pretty much every poster writes, this doesn't seem like a healthy way to manage your finances. Your comments about him respecting you if you get a proper job suggest that it is rather damaging your self esteem as well. A healthy relationship shouldn't do that. I really do think that you need to have a very big chat with him, even if it does mean bracing yourself for the sulks and the grumpyness (did you marry a teenager?). I hope that he's a great DH in other ways and that this is a part of your relationship that he's prepared to actually work on and demonstrate respect for you in. Good luck.

Yes I agree, don't hide the money from him........... just fail to mention it

Ok.... I have just signed up to an assertiveness workshop in a couple of weeks time and I am going to take the next few weeks to step bak and really look at things and myself and think about what I need and want and see if it an work with dh... Then we will have a chat and see how that goes.... Thank you everyone, I think I will probably gp offline for a few days now to think clearly....

Good for you xx

Well done you, that sounds very positive. Hope it goes well :)

Good for you!