Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or wwyd re money....

88 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 07/02/2011 10:27

Ok.....

Dh is very tight and generally a bit if an arse (I have a thread about his attitudes etc elsewhere) and each month he keeps about £200-300 for spending money (no bus fares, card paid out of household, no petrol or phone so basically for beer and magazines and anything that takes his fancy...) I am lucky to have £10-20 for spending..... We both have the same income, no joint account etc... I know I am a mug for making up the shortfall but like I said he can be a real arse!

Anyway, this morning in the post I have gotten a cheque for £100 from a local charity lottery, I pay £4.50-ish a month to support the charity and play.. It would appear that I have won last week! I have also had a refund of £50 on my car tax- had to scrap car as couldn't put through Mot.... The £50 I will put towards the savings for a replacement car.... Have a pot for loose change!

Aibu to keep quiet about the £100 and use it towards some bills? Wwyd aibu? Am I being as bad as him if I keep quiet?

OP posts:
zikes · 07/02/2011 10:59

You need to have a more fair arrangement about money and the household expenses: he's being incredibly selfish if he has money to spare and you are paying more than he is while earning the same.

The money you've won is clearly yours alone in this scenario, but it's ridiculous the way things are. Don't accept being 'a mug'.

warthog · 07/02/2011 11:01

jeez you need to sort out your joint finances!!!

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 07/02/2011 11:04

Thank you everyone, I agree I am a total mug over the money issue... The child benefit and tax credits and maintenance for my ds (11) all go straight to the household bills

I have raised this several times and every single time he comes out with the crap that he deserves it, he works hard etc etc and we have huge rows about this and his failure to be an equal partner at home with housework and childcare for dd who is 14 months.... I think the main problem I have is my work is a funded phd which although i have to do 35 hours a week they are flexible to an extent whereas his shifts are fixed and so I feel he doesn't respect my work or my need for time to work and he thinks his ia alot harder than mine.... I only have a year to go and then. Hopefully I will have a regular well paid full time job that he will have to respect.... If he doesn't then I will walk.....

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 07/02/2011 11:05

If he doesn't respect you as a person, isn't that more of a reason to walk?

So it's ok to wait and see if you can make him respect you if you have work that he thinks is worthy of respect?

Look, it's your funeral, but rather you than me.

Pigglesworth · 07/02/2011 11:06

He has no legitimate reason not to respect your current occupation, though. If he respects you, he should respect your pursuit of higher education. He should be encouraging and supporting you.

NancyDrewHasaClue · 07/02/2011 11:09

Seriously he is never going to respect you Sad

There is so much wrong with your present situation it is beyond comprehension for most normal families.

You are a family and your spending money should be equal, regardless of who earns what. The fact that you earn the same and he wants a subsidy is just disgusting.

GypsyMoth · 07/02/2011 11:11

Oh my god !!! Where is your self respect?

Makes me cringe reading that last post!

OhCobblers · 07/02/2011 11:16

Hopefully I will have a regular well paid full time job that he will have to respect.... If he doesn't then I will walk.....

Why? Why should he respect you then when he doesn't now? I agree with NancyDrew. I'm always a bit stunned by these sort of threads but yours is beyond awful.

Whoever suggested an escape fund has the right idea. I'm utterly appalled for you. However, judging by your own comments he's clearly grinding you down so much that there appears to be very little dignity or self respect left. This is so grim Sad please do something about it NOW - do not wait for a year.

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 07/02/2011 11:22

Ok.... I agree with what you are all saying, I guess I keep making excuses for it all and really didn't want a second failed marriage....

I will keep the money and start making plans and in the meantime try and get him to see where he needs to change and if he won't then at least I will have tried... It would probably take about a year anyway to plan and save etc so at least dd will be older and I'll be stronger re work...

OP posts:
zikes · 07/02/2011 11:23

He's not going to suddenly respect you, treat you fairly and starting doing his share if and when you have a fulltime job.

You work 35 hours now! You're fooling yourself if you think a new job for you is going to magically transform his attitude. He'll no doubt still think he works harder and will probably imagine he "supported" you while you were doing the PhD, so you owe him...

Dropdeadfred · 07/02/2011 11:29

does he actually like you? care about your happiness?

bubblewrapped · 07/02/2011 11:29

"The child benefit and tax credits and maintenance for my ds (11) all go straight to the household bills"

he is taking the piss big time... never mind waiting another year.. sort it out now!

everythingchangeseverything · 07/02/2011 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 07/02/2011 11:38

Re the money, I wouldnt keep quiet about it, just to see what his reaction is. It would be very telling if he suddenly assumed that "we" have £150 extra this month iykwim. I would keep it for myself, dont get me wrong, but I would tell him about it.

And as for your income issue then there is no way on Gods green earth I would be putting up with that. What if you didnt pay the bills and insisted on say £150 a month for yourself. What would he do then? That is a serious Q btw, do you think he would pay the shortfall when you made it clear that you wont?

TheProvincialLady · 07/02/2011 11:42

Hopefully this thought will keep you going - when you leave him, the CSA will make him give that £200 spending money to you every month, to raise your children (assuming you have them together).

GypsyMoth · 07/02/2011 11:45

How come you are considering using it for household bills if household bills are paid from tax credit/child benefit?????

VerintheWhite · 07/02/2011 11:45

+1

Put the £100 towards your escape fund. Secret bank account, they wont send post if you ask them not too. If you are sure you wont need said fund open it anyway and let your husband prove us wrong.

diddl · 07/02/2011 11:46

I doubt he´ll respect you-he´ll probably resent you working & up his money because there´s more going in!

VeggieReggie · 07/02/2011 11:47

So, you bring in money, but he doesn't respect you. That won't change, whatever the natyre of the next job.

He is being greedy, bullying, dismissive of you, and arrogant.

MorticiaAddams · 07/02/2011 12:09

Gomez and I hadn't been together very long when we first moved in together so we had a joint account for all household expenses and our own accounts for spends. It wasn't strict and we pretty much shared all the money but it helped ease us in.

Could you do the same so that you both have the same amount of free money.

How is he with regard to the financing of your older son?

monkeyflippers · 07/02/2011 12:17

Wow! You need to stop letting him treat you like this!

He's a shitbag!

Foreverondiet · 07/02/2011 12:25

It will not make a difference you getting a "normal" job, you are deluding yourself if you think it will, your current set up is a full time but flexible job.

It sounds like he is not contributing to the family finances as he is not prepared to give up his "beer money".

I am happy to do more house/childcare stuff than DH - I work part time etc etc. But thats different to not pulling weight financially.

Bogeyface · 07/02/2011 12:29

I agree that he will probably start to keep back more each month when you are earning more. Why shouldnt he when he knows that you will make up the shortfall? And dont forget that your tax credits will go down....

RatherBeACyborg · 07/02/2011 12:36

His respect for you shouldn't be tied into how much money you bring into the house. That should be based on you as a person and it doesn't sound like he has any for you. Sorry. If you are contemplating spending the £100 on bills does that mean stuff isn't getting paid because he insists on £2OO+ for magazines and shit? The selfish prick! Yeah I'd definitely be having a serious conversation with him about the total inequality, his lack of respect and screwed up ideas of things being 'his'. You're meant to be a partnership - it all should be shared. And if he can't/won't change...then you really need to have a long think about if that is really how you want the rest of your life to be. Oh and not forgetting the message this is giving your daughters.

Good luck.

verytellytubby · 07/02/2011 12:37

He sounds awful. Issues over money would be a deal breaker for me.