to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

[secondcity]

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

I dont think you should be judged (not that anyone is) .
Whats right for one person , isnt right for another.
I think its your own personal choice as a human being , and if you feel kids, particularly an hubby are ok about it all then its ok .

Have been thinking about this more and reading the very interesting posts.

I'm assuming that the OP's DH has a fairly demanding job/long hours etc (may of course be wrong) so I guess if I were the OP I'd need to feel happy that he could ease off a bit work-wise to be there for the children a bit more.

Otherwise I think it will be pretty hard for the children to go from having a very available SAHM to a father whose working a lot.

But as others have said - we don't know you or your family and it is only for a year I guess.

Oh and I would say the same about any father/husband contemplating doing the same - do it by all means but don't think there won't be consequences for your family/relationship.

I don't think whether men go away from their families for periods of time has much to do with it. I can tell you that in a lot of cases, that has fall-out or, if they are away for a very long time, everyone just gets on well without them (it's when they return and try to reintegrate that the issues come). The question is, is it worth the fall-out compared with the potential gains? You can't go assuming there will be no consequences.

This could work if you could get the time away down to pretty short periods, as someone suggested. I would consider leaving mine for up to a month, for a once in a life-time opportunity, but I would expect the children to be playing up when I got back! A year is different. I leave mine for 2/3 days for work and am not surgically attached to them, but if you are the main parent, they will miss you, no doubt about it.

I think you are being utterly selfish.I am amazed you would even consider it!
Your poor poor children.

I'm sorry but if a woman came on here and said that her husband was going to leave their family for a year to move to another continent and take a course, there would be cries of "what a bastard" and "tell him to stay there" as well as asking if he'd be paying child support while he was off doing his thing.

Why poor children. ? They are teenagers not under 10 yrs. . .if they were then i think it would be wrong.
Why cant we be a bit selfish at times anyway?

Motherhood with teenagers isnt about forsaking all you want to do for them. Think how horribly selfish teenagers can be.
I have always been with mine, but whats right for me may not be right for OP.

The kids will appreciate her every holiday when they spend good time together.

No worse than boarding school for a year. . .long holidays.
Concider it, . . . . . absolutely!

Wow. Who was it who said that nobody's judging the OP? No judging going on here, on no.

Sorry, with respect to some posts there's a bit too much of a mummy-martyr, OP is selfish, children will naturally suffer, you have children and must give up all claim to a life or happiness of your own which isn't entirely orthodox thing going on here for my liking.

I don't think its mummy-martyr to suggest OP shouldn't leave her DCs for a year. Noone (AFAIK) is saying she should have NO time for herself, or that she shouldn't study or get a job.

However, moving to a different continent seems like quite a step!

Some posts are a little extreme but its not as though its just for a few weeks - a year is a long time. And presumably even during holidays there will be lots of work to be done.

I personally hate the 'happy mummy happy children' mantra and also the 'mummy martyrs' - for most of us there is a middle way surely.

OP - really good luck for whatever you decide.

just checked back and the talk of starting periods reminded me that mine started whilst my mum was living at the hospital with my younger sister. sister was in hospital for couple of months and in n out for a year following. family life was dominated by this. such is life, family's have to cope with whatever life throws

i also second revoltingpeasant's point that it's a positive, your kids seeing you strive and achieve.

I can't think of any family that wouldn't be adversely affected if one parent lived on another continent for a year.

when i was about 12 my mother took on night working as a manager of a care home and left for work every evening just an hour or less after i came home from school.

what it did for me was really really strengthen the relationship i had/have with my father.. all through my teenage years he cooked dinner and was around in the evenings and i still have a very close relationship with him.

my relationship with my mother isn't bad.. maybe it would have been stronger if she hadn't worked evenings, who knows, but she was at home with me the first seven years of my life anyway.

i don't see why the primary carer has to stay the same parent throughout a child's life.

'Why poor children. ? They are teenagers not under 10 yrs. '
She says they are secondary school age which is anything from 11 up.Are you seriously suggesting that children over 11 don't need their mum.

Undercovamutha, I spoke of giving up all claim to actions which aren't entirely orthodox. I am sure that many, most even, would have less of an issue about the OP purely wishig to study or work. It's when that behaviour is unorthodox that it appears to be unacceptable.

I know somebody who came to the UK from India to study but the long term goal was to bring the whole family together and the child was much younger, I do think it's something to do when they are tots not teens personally.

I have thought really hard about how to answer the OP, while wading through the many replies, including some of the extreme emotional replies.

My initial gut feel was that I personally couldn't do it, but that if the OP felt that she could handle it then she should do it. I think far too many women make choices that limit their career opportunities

I thought about this further when I remembered that my Dad went away for a year when I was in my teens. We didn't have the benfits of technology today but kept in touch as best we could. He went away as he was pursuing an opportunity that would improve our family's financial stability. It didn't have an impact on me or our relationship and I was pleased that he was going away for a positive reason that would be to the eventual benefit of all of us. Having said that, my younger sibblings are the same ages as the OPs children and I do think that they felt somewhat abandoned by my Dad and it probably did have a deterimental impact in the long term on their relationship. Sadly, my dad's absence from home didnt have the desired financial impact. More interestingly, DH's dad also went away to study for a year when he was roughly the same age as the OPs kids, he and his sister are close to both their parents, and there is no resentment.

My conclusion out of all of this, is still that I don't think that I could do it, personally. However, this is because I have a different background to the OP. I waited to have children, while I climbed the career ladder and so now my children and DH come first. Given that OP is coming from a different angle, I would say she really has to consider what kind of children she has. Are they like DH, his sibbling and I, where because of our characters, the parents absence didn't have a long term negative impact, or, are they like my sibblings where it did? For that reason, I don't think anything that anyone says on here should have an influencing sway one or way or another, because OP you're the only one who truly knows your kids and DH.

My mother took an evening job when I was between the ages of 11 and 15.
I was coming home from an often miserable day at secondary school and she wasn't there. Our meals would be on plates in the oven and we ate by ourselves when we came home. My dad, when he wasn't 'on a late,' would go to the pub for a couple of hours every night.
She'd come home at about 9.30 and say goodnight when we were in bed.
This was more contact than the OP's DCs would be having, but I've realised since my own DCs have reached their teens how lonely it was, despite my siblings being there, and how it distanced us at a crucial time in a girl's life - my DM was never a confidante for me and I still don't feel she is now.

Of course, your DH is no doubt a loving and attentive father, but there may be evenings he has to work late, unless you get a au pair-type to cover that eventuality.

Plus, it occurs to me that your DCs are on the cusp of the age when they'd really rather not be on holiday with Mum and Dad - an enforced stay of several weeks in an unfamiliar country with no one around but their mother and sibling may not be their idea of a pleasant holiday.

Like others, I find it hard to believe that 'dream' jobs exist which will take people who've spent years at home (maybe studying, but so what?). Can't believe it's such a great opportunity as to make this separation worth the damage it will cause to your family relationships.

NY to London is scarcely more than a long bus ride these days and it sounds like the OP's kids are pretty used to travelling and wont be phased by visiting her (and the rest of the family) every couple of months. I went to boarding school (my choice!) at 11 and saw my mum every half term but my dad and sibling only in main holidays. It certainly didnt affect my relationship with any of them; in fact in some ways it made it stronger because they werent geting the minutae of my everyday life, they were getting the big stuff and the overall picture (I was very happy at boarding school).

Assuming that the OP's husband will be a totally hands-on primary carer, I really cant see why this course of study would not work. Of course they will miss each other but in the grand scheme of life, it is only a year (or 9 months academic year) and will fly by. Prior planning of fun things to do during the visits will ensure that there is never a feeling of wasted time.

OP, I am envious of your opportunity! In the same position, I would take it (and my kids are only 9 and 7), life is just way too short not to take advantage of good opportunities (assuming properly thought out of course!) Good luck

I am torn with this and do keep fluctuating. I think it probably comes down to the DC's relationship with their father.

My Mum used to stay with her sister for the summer holidays (in Europe) every year when I was a similar age, I didn't get on with my Dad. Neither did she which is why she went I think really. I've found myself getting really resentful about this as I've got older and as DD gets older-she's 12 now . Resentful enough to have whinged about it recently to my brother and I keep thinking how could you just have buggered off and left me and although it shouldn't, I know it impacts slightly on my attitude towards the care that she is increasingly needing, I do try not to let it but the resentment is always there on the edge.. But the OP's situation is different and I think that would feel OK to me as a 41 year old looking back as it is for a reason ie. a course . Also technology is so much better now, I haven't seen my brother for a good couple of years but still feel very much in touch with him.

One thing I have found now that DD is 12 is that although she is much more independent, she needs me a lot for emotional support and I absolutely couldn't leave for for any length of time.

"It's when that behaviour is unorthodox that it appears to be unacceptable."

I'm finding the supposedly feminist critique of this decision a little hard to take.

It is insulting to those of us who suggest this might not be the way forward to insinuate

a. that we would feel differently if a male parent were contemplating moving continents for a year

b. that it is the FACT of the unorthodox nature of her plans, rather than the NATURE of the unorthodoxy that is at issue

The reason this would be a big deal is because a PARENT would be leaving their children THOUSANDS of miles away.

There are lots of ways to be unorthodox. I think we're going to have to take each on their merits rather than make this kind of tendentious and baseless argument that anything a woman wants to do must automatically be a good idea if it's unusual.

I also find the whole "mummy martyr" thing ridiculous in this context, because unless you really hate your children, being parted from them for that length of time will bring its own pain.

If she goes and misses her children like crazy and comes back and feels like a stranger in the home she used to run and is miserable, then she'll be an unorthodoxy martyr.

Why would that be better?

This is the kind of situation you try to find ways around because there is no obvious win, even if you count the children's interests out.

It has already been pointed out that some of the best grad schools in world are in New York, isn't there a course she could take there that would give her a similar qualification?

Is there an option for them all to move back to the UK so she could do the course? Is deferment an option to give extra time for this to happen?

I find it very, very hard to imagine that there is only one course in the world she can do, that is has to be in the UK and that it has to be now.

Moving continents to study when you'll be leaving children behind is drastic. There are times when it will be the right, or the only reasonable choice. This (to me, so far) doesn't sound like one of them.

"I just think it is utterly selfish. You have children. Those children need a mother. There are plenty kids who dont have a mum, and that is not because the mother chose to leave them.

I think you have to evaluate your priorities, and if you have chosen to have children, then those children are your priority. You should have finished your education before having children, or accepted that you now have children so you have made that choice instead of a career.

No doubt I will be flamed and called old fashioned, but I do believe if a woman gives birth to a child by choice, then that child deserves to be raised by its mother and not abandoned while a mother pursues a degree."

Wow, what about fathers who have jobs/businesses that lead them to spend longish amounts of time away from home? The OP's kids are 'older' and will be pursuing their own interests/lives soon anyway. And as she has stated there are school holidays and she'll be going back once a month.

A fully funded post grad course is a fantastic opportunity...and they are rarer than hens teeth.

"NY to London is scarcely more than a long bus ride these days" No it's not, not at all...unless your bus is Land's End to John O'groats. It's a three hour check in before a 5/7 flight(whether going or coming) and at least an hour the other end.

spidookly.....brilliant post. I completely agree that this is nothing to do with the OP being a woman.

"NY to London is scarcely more than a long bus ride these days"

Bollocks.

It's a 7 hour flight, with a 3 hours check-in requirement (although I only ever did 2).

There's a 5 hour time difference, which believe me, makes finding good times for regular phone calls inconvenient. And brings its own distance.

I did this in reverse pre-kids. It was absolutely NOT like being a bus-ride away.

My friend went to do a masters in another city when her son was about 11 (two older girls in their late teens). While she wasn't in another country, she was away all week and only saw him at weekends. When she qualified she did a phd which also meant being in another city - again she only saw him at weekends until he left home to go to uni. She, her husband her son (and daughters) probably have the strongest family relationships of anyone I know, and she is the person I always go to when I want to talk about how I should raise my kids. Obviously it's different in different families and situations, but I think it's wrong to assume her relationship with her children will automatically suffer.