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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

546 replies

secondcity · 06/02/2011 07:36

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

OP posts:
BuzzLightBeer · 07/02/2011 17:01

Its 4 years for the course I'm looking. (at least its 4 years for non-uk residents, which I think may be longer than residents? not sure must check)

What is "socially bright"? Doesn't sound like it means anything at all. Can you define it please?

My what a sheltered MN life you have had if you think thats the stupidest comment! And so sorry for you that you can't tell the difference between opinion and concern.

spidookly · 07/02/2011 17:05

"And so sorry for you that you can't tell the difference between opinion and concern."

:o

Stupider and stupider.

ThePosieParker · 07/02/2011 17:13

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ThePosieParker · 07/02/2011 17:14

Obviously 'it means'

[bangs head on keys]

BuzzLightBeer · 07/02/2011 17:36

am I the one giving out the personal insults? Or is that you one poster two who are ignoring the talk guidelines and calling me names? makes you look big and clever, honest?

Socially bright Posie? Like your DH> Noobie my arse. Stooping to your level there, but if you will get personal.....

freshmint · 07/02/2011 17:52

posie/spidookly you are being incredibly rude
and nothing you have said has been in anyway constructive

ThePosieParker · 07/02/2011 17:58

Buzz.....WTF? My DH? You bitch about my husband as a way to be personal.....lmao.

BuzzLightBeer · 07/02/2011 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

ThePosieParker · 07/02/2011 18:08

Buzz....It was you who said I was dimwitted first. I'm pretty uncomfortable with your implications actually, you are being very personal.

BuzzLightBeer · 07/02/2011 18:11

well you were personal first. You called overseas students scammers, liars, wastes of money and then you moved on to calling me stupid.
I shouldn't have lowered myself though, so I'll apologise for that. You can't be surprised though when you goad people.

ThePosieParker · 07/02/2011 18:24

I'm trying very hard not to seem school age, but this is your first post.......

BuzzLightBeer Mon 07-Feb-11 13:05:29
and Posy is being both offensive and dimwitted by accusing OP of scamming or lying. I am not a UK resident and can apply for funded post-grads. In fact I am applying for one that would not only pay my fees but also a bursary, help with childcare, and guarantee me a job afterwards. In your NHS. Thanks for the taxes. Posy.

Really nothing goading there then.

BuzzLiteBeer · 07/02/2011 18:29

it was a sincere thanks for the taxes, I'm going to really enjoy them. I note you don't go back to your first post, and subsequent ones where you called us scammers and liars?

Enough of this, I'm many years past the playground and I;ve better things to do. Study, for one.

TrailMix · 07/02/2011 18:29

Hope you decide to go, OP. I think your kids will be proud of your qualifications, and proud that you worked hard to get the job you want. I think you'd be setting them a great example.

By the way, you might want to throw this question out there on Living Overseas. You'll get opinions from lots of people living abroad, who tend to spend a lot more time separated from children/spouses than the rest of the population, and would evaluate a year away from a position closer to your own, I think?

ThePosieParker · 07/02/2011 18:35

"Us"? What are you royalty? You can't come on a thread and get shitty and personal with a poster who questions how a non resident get academic funding in the UK, when my parents aren't allowed a GP's appointment. You can't accuse me of being personal to you when you're not even posting. Are you the OP? Because unless you are I'm not sure what my questions have to do with you.....

I wish you luck in your studies, I'm thinking you'll need a whole heap of it.Smile

spidookly · 07/02/2011 18:43

freshmint are you fucking kidding me? I've written plenty on this thread that's been supportive and constructive in a vain attempt to steer it away from the dichotomy that is inevitable when one group of posters insists that everyone who varies even slightly from their quite extreme position (that there is no reason to have any concern about leaving 2 children for a year) is saying the same thing (in this case that mothers should be martyrs to their children).

BuzzLiteBeer · 07/02/2011 18:44

You're not sure how someone can be annoyed with your point when they are in the same position? Don't you have any empathy? Hmm

I don't see what it has to do with your parents, who are presumably as entitled to a GP's appt as anyone else.

I don't need any luck thanks very much, I'm already top of my class. Which is why I can apply to live off your taxes for a while. I think I have the last laugh there. Smile

Northernlurker · 07/02/2011 18:47

I simply don't believe that the op has a right to a fully funded post grad course when she is non resident and intends to continue being non resident, has no recent work history and no intention of working in the UK.

I hold no brief for mummy martyrs but I think this is an unreasonable aspiration for either parent with children of this age. My oldest daughter is 12 and used to both parents working full time and dh being away at least some of the time. So I asked her how she would feel if I was going to New York to study with frequent visits etc. She was horrified and described it as 'child abuse'. I asked 'but what if it was Daddy?' and she said exactly the same. In the op's place I would be looking for ways to carry on my career without an ocean intervening! Somebody who can obtain funding as outlined above must surely be able to muster something.

MillyR · 07/02/2011 18:47

OP, well done for getting the funding. I've worked alongside many funded PhD and MSc students from overseas. I have never heard of any envy or negativity towards them in an academic environment. The UK really benefits from capable people from overseas contributing to academic life. Please do not be put off the idea of study in the UK because of this thread.

BuzzLiteBeer · 07/02/2011 18:49

You don't have to believe it, but it happens all the time.

kissncuddle · 07/02/2011 18:49

Overseas students can get funding, ofcourse they can. What are scholarships all about then?

Northernlurker · 07/02/2011 18:51

In exactly which areas of study does this happen?

Btw - I think Posie's parents may live abroad and under circumstances you do then lose your entitlement to free NHS treatment.

BuzzLiteBeer · 07/02/2011 18:53

Do you really? I did not know that. I used an NHS GP when I was over visiting a year or two ago for myself and my child, I wasn't asked to pay anything. Is it a new thing?

Normantebbit · 07/02/2011 18:53

Trailmix

That's a really good idea - maybe it will provide more insight than this -bunfight- discussion.

Northernlurker · 07/02/2011 18:54

The op said she wouldn't get any funding in the US - which implied to me that the funding in the UK has not been awarded by competition eg a scholarship as surely she could apply for similar in the US? It implied some level of entitlement and I just do not get that?

mathanxiety · 07/02/2011 18:55

I think you need to sit down and find out what's eating you. By which I mean, you're unsettled to an alarming degree. You've upped sticks and gone to New York and your DCs and DH are now settled in there. Chances are your DCs will live there for the rest of their lives, or at least make their permanent friendships there and go to college there. Your DH is settled in his job, and you are still hankering after the UK or at least not fully settled into your life in NY. You seem to have a dose of 'grass is greener' syndrome - Why?

I think you should do your further degree in the US there must be somewhere in the NY area where you could get your qualification even if it did take two years instead of one. With the longer but closer option you would be with your DCs and visiting on holidays is really no substitute for your presence day in and day out for them or for your DH. They would be basically marooned in NY away from extended family (unlike the Muslim women from Indonesia who study in the UK and leave their children with extended family at home) and separated from you. Your relationship with them all would never be the same again. I would worry that you seem to have some sort of attachment disorder going on, or some inability to be 'at home' where you are and accept a reasonable amount of blooming where you are planted to be your lot.

I would say, don't take for granted what you have now, try to see the glass half full, and investigate your options closer to home and try not to give in to wanderlust. Be practical and take everyone else into account, plus the reality that your home is NY. No-one can be a perpetual nomad when they have children.