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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider leaving my children for a year to study?

546 replies

secondcity · 06/02/2011 07:36

long-time lurker here. I am braving AIBU and am bracing myself for the onslaught....

I live in New York with my husband and children, We have been here almost two years and everyone is very settled......except me!

I have been offered a (fully-funded) post-graduate course in the UK in september 2011.

If I were to accept the course, I wouldn't bring my children, but I would aim to come back once a month, and they would obviously come to me for all the holidays. My husband is very capable and we would probably get some part-time childcare sorted (secondary aged kids)

I swing between thinking it would be absolutely fine, (their father used to work away for up to 2 months at a time!)to thinking what kind of mother would contemplate leaving her children.

Anyone have any experience or advice? Thank you

OP posts:

spidookly · 06/02/2011 20:39

"I wonder would the reaction be the same if it was the dad proposing a very lucrative overseas posting where he would be home for 4 or 5 trips during the year and the rest of the family would spend school holidays with him."

My reaction would be exactly the same, yes.

I think families should live together in the same house, if at all possible.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 06/02/2011 20:39

TPP- good point, it doesn't seem very fair at all if UK is paying for it

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 20:39

The day to day is what children are affected by, the day they came home and Mummy wasn't there...or rather noone as Daddy is at work. The day they want to chat, cry, hug, laugh....whatever. It's the tiny moments that make for a happy family, the last kiss goodnight, the impromptu breakfast in bed....

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 20:41

I would say the same too, unless the family were destitute and one parent going off for a year took that family out of a financial hole, only that would outweigh the effect on the dcs and even then I would suggest the whole family go.

toddlerwrangler · 06/02/2011 20:41

yseater You are right, I should have written 'is wring in my opinion'.

That said, I personally cant think of a single reason where CHOOSING to leave your children for a year, even an academic one, is right.

ivykaty44 · 06/02/2011 20:41

toddler - people leave their dc with another parent or grandparents all over the world, you may think they are all wrong to do so but unless that particular child suffers can you say why it is wrong for one parents to be away for extended periods?

Animation · 06/02/2011 20:41

What if she were to meet and fall for a handsome man whilst in the UK. She will get lonely. What then?

3seater · 06/02/2011 20:43

Agree, the close family/community thing is often the case, but I don't know the full circs of OP's NY set up. I have no reason to doubt the Op's Dh ability to effectively care for the dc.

ivykaty44 · 06/02/2011 20:44

well she could shag the handsome man and ask for bum sex and her dh to join in You can meet someone else anywhere in the world and you can be lonely in a marriage where you are never apart

SixtyFootDoll · 06/02/2011 20:44

I havent read all replies
But I went away on a 6 week course a few years ago,
The course was good, but I missed the kids so much and ds2 was so clingy for a long time after
Regretted it for a long time after

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 20:44

ivykaty44 Sun 06-Feb-11 20:41:46
toddler - people leave their dc with another parent or grandparents all over the world, you may think they are all wrong to do so but unless that particular child suffers can you say why it is wrong for one parents to be away for extended periods?

Ivykaty, We live within our own cultural norms, ffs.. We also don't have dying rooms for our dds or buckets to drown girls at birth, we do not circumcise our dds or send them off to have sex with their future husbands at thirteen along with anyone else in the village that fancies a go, we do not file our teeth into points, we do not tie vines around our testicles......

VeggieReggie · 06/02/2011 20:44

I wouldn't do it, not at 11 and 12.

I like to think I would do it, all my 'head' thought says I think women should be able to do these things. I certainly don't think anyone should feel guilty.

But in the end I don't think I would do it.

I would have missed my Mum dreadfully at that age. A week or two at a time, no problem, but as an ongoing thing, with only brief visits in between school hols?

Only like boarding school, I suppose, but then I wouldn't do that, either, unless my kids asked me to be allowed, if they were the ones to suggest it.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 06/02/2011 20:44

Biw chicka wow wow!

ivykaty44 · 06/02/2011 20:46

yes and we have married couples in the armed forces leaving their children with grandparents ffs posie

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 06/02/2011 20:46

Sorry I think the main reason people disagree is because she doesn't have to do it- it's 100% selfish really, her dh went away to work, this is just for fun

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 20:48

ivy....that's crap too, although I do think people in the armed forces at the lower rank that is likely to produce two parents away at the same time, can't imagine that happening but for the sake of discussion, would mean those parents had little choice and were probably quite poor.

3seater · 06/02/2011 20:49

Animation, not sure, perhaps you are right, I am not very eloquant
PosieParker, that is bonkers, those factors are largely abusive; no where near the same as making completeley appropraite arrangements for your child to be cared for,ie by their df

3seater · 06/02/2011 20:50

also can't spell, oh well hope you get my drift

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 20:53

3seater, the point I was making was about cultural norms not the comparison of human rights abuses and the OP leaving her dcs for a year.

I still want to know how she lied to get funding.

LibraPoppyGirl · 06/02/2011 20:55

Go for it. I agree with caramelwaffle it's one academic year. There are plenty of parents who have to 'work' away and you'll be seeing them a minimum of once a month, in all likelihood more. Many many parents quite happily and with no detriment to the child(ren) send their offspring to boarding school, same difference in my opinion.

Do it, enjoy it and know that your DC's will be fine. Good luck

3seater · 06/02/2011 20:55

I don't know what cultural norms are like in NY, having never been. Imagine they could be quite diverse, melting pot and all that.
Why do you think she lied to get funding, we don't know what skills, knowledge base OP has. I'm guessing to be offered funding like that in this climate she must have something special

balloonballs · 06/02/2011 20:55

Right I don't think I would do, but that doesn't mean very much as it's about your choice.

I have a relative who has done something similar when her three dc were around the same age.

She regrets it, and believes her children suffered during the time.

Her dc on the other hand are very very proud of what she achieved through furthering her education. They remember missing her and finding it hard but by no means were traumatised.

Best of luck in what you decide.

ivykaty44 · 06/02/2011 20:56

Reading back what you wrote posie - do you mean that the stuff you wrote about drowning babies and 13 years olds being married to old men is the same as the op leaving her dc in the US and coming to the UK for a year?

3seater · 06/02/2011 20:56

Op I think that you might like to read 'a celibate season' by Carol Shields and Blanche Howard.

vinvinoveritas · 06/02/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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