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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to get up at 5.15 am with my DH?

89 replies

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 03:36

OK, so a bit of background...

My DH leaves the house at 6.15 am and does not return from work until 7.15 pm. His work is very stressful and he also has a 1.5 hour drive each way. Because of this, I do everything in the house and I am happy to do so. When he gets up in the morning, his work clothes are hanging up on a hanger on the front of the wardrobe and his lunch is on the bottom shelf of the fridge for him to just take out and put in his bag. He doesn't need me at all in the mornings.

I am a terrible sleeper and have suffered from insomnia all my life. I frequently wake up in the middle of the night and lay there awake for hours. For this reason, I would like to be able to wake up later in the mornings. We got to bed around 10 pm and ideally I would like at least 8 hours. As well as the house, shopping, etc. I also homeschool our 5 year old son (who incidentally doesn't wake up until about 8 am). Even though I love teaching him, it really takes it out of me. We are also about to start another round of IVF and this is also quite heavy going.

I am completely knackered. I just need some more sleep. DH very often just lays in bed after the alarm goes off and I have to keep nagging him to get up. I can't just try to get back to sleep myself. Also, I feel that I need to keep him company in the mornings, even though he doesn't really talk. He tells me I should go back to sleep after he's left, but I have tried this and I just can't. Once I'm awake, that's it, unfortunately.

At the moment, I feel like I could die of tiredness. I know that DH is also tired, but he has to go to work, there is nothing we can do about that. Also my insomnia means that I very often don't sleep in the night either. Right now, I feel like moving into DS's room so that I am not woken up in the mornings.

So my question is, AIBU not to want to get up with him in the mornings, and to expect him to get up when the alarm goes off and creep around so as not to wake me up?

I would really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

OP posts:

Tortington · 06/02/2011 03:40

what are you his mum?

uif he doesn't get up - HE deals with the consequences at work - cause and effect innit

JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 03:45

I am in a similar situation (DP used to work 10 mins from home then the bastards relocated to London to 3 days a week he has a 2 hour commute)

The alarm goes off at 5:40am. It continues to go off until he gets out of bed at 6am. I DO understand this, I do the same thing (it's bloody hard dragging yer carcass out of bed when it's dark and cold).

Do NOT get up with him in the mornings.. that would be utter madness. DO expect him to have 10-15 mins of snooze time on his alarm. You will get used to it, honestly.

It's only recently that one of my work days conflicts with DP getting up early for commute and I hadn't realised how much I'd been sleeping through.

p.s. uber tip for insomnia: MAKE yourself stay awake. Fix your gaze on something, or read. MAKE yourself stay awake. Don't turn the light off, don't try and calm down. Try and stay awake as long as possible.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 03:47

'sup Custy :)

LibraPoppyGirl · 06/02/2011 03:47

Roll over and stay alseep.

As custardo says you are not his mum and if he doesn't get up in time let him deal with the consequences at work. You're doing enough to not have to worry about him getting up on time.

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 03:48

I guess I feel bad that he works such long hours, and feel the least I can do is make him a cup of coffee in the mornings.

Oh God, I'm so exhausted

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 03:51

Erm.. you do a job too? Not like you're sitting about on your arse doing fuck all for the day! Why is his job more difficult/stressful/more deserving of sleep?

I find that the more sleep I get the better I can sleep. You DP is taking the piss.

Does he, by any chance, stay up until 3am playing xbox?

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 03:52

No Jareth, we're both normally in bed for 10 pm. It's just that very often I am awake during the night due to my terrible sleep problems.

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 03:55

Why are you up now?

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 03:56

I am in Dubai so it's 8 am here. I've been up for 2.45 hours

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 03:58

Oh, sorry.. feel for you.

I should be in bed, but hey..

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 03:58

What's the time where you are?

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 04:00

4am

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 04:01

Are you up early or just not gone to bed yet?

OP posts:

empirestateofmind · 06/02/2011 04:03

A three hour round trip sounds hell- can you not move nearer to DH's work? Can he change job? Neither are easy though, I know. Might be long term options? Can he work from home one day?

Presumably you have tried remedies (sleeping pills, natural remedies) for the sleep problems.

It doesn't sound like DH expects you to be getting up- so why the guilt? Just turn over and leave him to it. You have done your bit sorting the clothes and lunch. He knows you care.

You can't carry on without making some changes to your life- you will be even more tired if pg or with a new baby. You are at the end of your tether already. You need a) sleep and b) DH around a bit more.

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 04:08

DH would rather live in Dubai (where it's cheap) and commute to his job in Abu Dhabi (where wages are high). He says he doesn't mind the commute.

The problem in the mornings is the alarm. I think I might have to move into DS's bedroom. Although I just asked him if I could sleep on his floor and he didn't seem keen. We also have a spare room which is full of crap but we could sort out. Then I could sleep in there, I guess.

God, this is ridiculous. I am so, so tired

OP posts:

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 04:10

As for sleeping remedies, I bought some Tylenol sleeping pills back from the States with me a few week ago. They are brilliant, take one and have a fabulous night's sleep. However, I would be worried about not waking up if there was a fire or something (we're on the 35th floor).

OP posts:

iscream · 06/02/2011 04:35

You don't have to make his coffee in the morning. I set up the coffee pot the night before and in the morning it only needs to be turned on.
Does your building have concrete walls between the apartments? (ask building super or fire dept. if you don't know) And fire alarms? Sprinklers? Would your dh wake up if he heard the alarm?

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 04:41

He can make his own coffee, it is more the fact that the alarm goes off and he just lies there, not getting up. So I have to keep prodding him. Then he spends 20 mins in the shower which is en suite so the noise of the water running keeps me awake.

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 06/02/2011 04:54

It's not ideal on either side but I really don't think you need to get up with him in the morning, that's taking it too far.

Gomez likes to snooze and we have compromised on just one as I can sometimes get back to sleep after that but any more and there's no chance. We have the same shower problem but he is only in there 5 minutes so not too bad. We are also getting an over the bath one put in the main bathroom which he will use when it's done.

If it's really that bad would you be prepared to sleep apart for a couple of nights a week? I am on medication that keeps me up and at the beginning of the course Gomez sleeps in the spare room for two nights so that he can sleep and I can watch tv, surf the net, etc if I need to.

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 04:58

Yeah, I think we're gonna have to consider sleeping apart. I am going to suggest I sleep on the sofa during the week. At least I won't hear the alarm or the shower running.

Thanks for all your suggestions guys - I really appreciate it

OP posts:

naughtynaughtynamechange · 06/02/2011 05:01

Twice in my life (before DC) I have done shifts that required me to get up at 5am, and I'm sorry to tell you that it is entirely incompatible with family life.

I found getting up at that time was closer to trying to get up at 3am, physically, than 6am. I was epically, brutally exhausted ALL the time (and that was when I could and did sleep until 4pm on Saturdays). I can completely see why shift workers have shorter life expectancies than those who keep regular daytime hours.

I know you're saving a lot of money living somewhere cheaper, but you need to move. Adding a baby into the mix would take you to the point of collapse, both of you.

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 05:16

So NNNC, do you think it wouldn't be as bad if we got up at 6 am? I am wondering, if he showered the night before and got into a clean bed, then he could just get up at 6 am and he'd have 15 mins to get dressed and out the door. I could make him a coffee in a flask to drink on the way (I do this sometimes, anyway).

Do you think an extra 45 mins asleep would make a difference?

OP posts:

empirestateofmind · 06/02/2011 05:32

I can't imagine that going to work without a shower would be very nice for DH. I wouldn't like that- I would feel sweaty all day, so would my DH. I don't think you can expect him to do this.

Is there an end in sight to this situation? Is it just for a year or two? It all sounds very stressful- which is ok if it will end soon. If not he'd better be making a fortune else it is just not worth it. Your health and sanity are worth a lot of money.

naughtynaughtynamechange · 06/02/2011 05:34

Absolutely! He's having the 20-minute shower to wake him up - 20 minutes' extra sleep would see him through the day far better. If he could negotiate to start work 15 minutes later that would be even better.

Google sleep cycles and deep sleep cycles. There are certain times your body is a lot closer to waking up than others. Trying to drag yourself out of bed before 6am is counter to everything natural.

Get him to try it for a fortnight.

Good luck - I feel sorry for you both.

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 05:36

I didn't think of that empirestateofmind. What if I put on clean sheets every day and he had a shower every night?

I don't know how long this will carry on for, unfortunately. At present we have no plans to leave Dubai.

OP posts:

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