to not want to get up at 5.15 am with my DH?

[MommyMayhem]

OK, so a bit of background...

My DH leaves the house at 6.15 am and does not return from work until 7.15 pm. His work is very stressful and he also has a 1.5 hour drive each way. Because of this, I do everything in the house and I am happy to do so. When he gets up in the morning, his work clothes are hanging up on a hanger on the front of the wardrobe and his lunch is on the bottom shelf of the fridge for him to just take out and put in his bag. He doesn't need me at all in the mornings.

I am a terrible sleeper and have suffered from insomnia all my life. I frequently wake up in the middle of the night and lay there awake for hours. For this reason, I would like to be able to wake up later in the mornings. We got to bed around 10 pm and ideally I would like at least 8 hours. As well as the house, shopping, etc. I also homeschool our 5 year old son (who incidentally doesn't wake up until about 8 am). Even though I love teaching him, it really takes it out of me. We are also about to start another round of IVF and this is also quite heavy going.

I am completely knackered. I just need some more sleep. DH very often just lays in bed after the alarm goes off and I have to keep nagging him to get up. I can't just try to get back to sleep myself. Also, I feel that I need to keep him company in the mornings, even though he doesn't really talk. He tells me I should go back to sleep after he's left, but I have tried this and I just can't. Once I'm awake, that's it, unfortunately.

At the moment, I feel like I could die of tiredness. I know that DH is also tired, but he has to go to work, there is nothing we can do about that. Also my insomnia means that I very often don't sleep in the night either. Right now, I feel like moving into DS's room so that I am not woken up in the mornings.

So my question is, AIBU not to want to get up with him in the mornings, and to expect him to get up when the alarm goes off and creep around so as not to wake me up?

I would really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

Ah, well you set the time on the clock (as per a normal alarm clock) and then the light gradually becomes brighter so that at the time you want to wake up, the room appears to be full of sunshine. The gradual lighting up is supposed to emulate the dawn and it means that you wake up naturally rather than being jerked out of sleep by the alarm clock.

The only thing with this is that it may not be applicable for where you are? In the UK, in winter, these are great but I don't know how early the sun is rising in Dubai? Having said that, if your room is darkened this would work. The danger is that you wake up too if you're in the same room but it could be easier to go back to sleep. It does still require your DH to get up though!

I can see that he is tired and working long hours with a long commute but I think you're working harder. Sorry, I just do. I work full time and my DD is at a fabulous nursery. I find weekends and holidays much harder work than being at work. Work is a drag for a lot of people but you have a defined role (usually) and a routine plus there is the social interaction. That is hardly the same as home educating a child and running a home. In my opinion (and I'll probably get flamed for this) work is generally easier than looking after children (and I do have an "exec" type job with the accompanying pressure/stress/responsibility).

DH has to be in work by 7:30, sometimes earlier. We've also got a waking, teething toddler.
Separate beds works well for us- I try to deal with the baby myself, but if I'm at the end of my tether I take him to DH, who is happy to take on some of the night waking
It is absolutely not your responsibility to get your husband up.

DH knows I work harder than him; we both know it because on weekends, when my work is halved because he's around, he is far more knackered than he is on the days he goes to work. He looks forward to Monday so he can have a rest. And that's when he's doing half of what I normally do

My husband also relies on me as well as the alarm to get up in the mornings. He could hit snooze a million times without waking properly (whereas I struggle to sleep after the first one) and he has accidentally admitted recently that he likes sleeping in our room rather than the spare when he really has to get up because he knows I'll make sure he won't sleep in.

In a way I don't mind this because we both do stuff for each other, etc. On the other hand I find it quite frustrating that he won't take responsibility for getting himself up! In the back of his mind he knows that it's me rather than the alarm that will wake him, which is why it doesn't bother him. I'm one of those people who hates being late anywhere so even without an alarm I'm super alert to the time as soon as I start stirring (usually before my alarm goes off /smugface).

It is going to be hard for him with such an early rising time and as you're in Dubai he probably does need that morning shower. So I would say one of you should use the spare room (maybe you, so on the days when you feel less tired you can rejoin him in the main bedroom?). Me and my DH do this sometimes when either of us really need our sleep (and I usually still end up waking him up in the mornings!) and it doesn't affect our relationship at all because it makes us much happier people. I love sleeping curled around him, but I adore drifting off to sleep on my own without any snoring :)

OK, so I have changed the alarm time to 6 am. DH can get up, have a 5 min shower, spend 5 mins getting dressed, make himself a takeaway coffee, grab his lunch from the fridge and leave. Surely he can do all that in 15 mins? I know I could.

What's his solution? You have talked to him about this, haven't you?

You have told him you've re-set the alarm, haven't you?

But yeah, for a quick exit that should be perfectly ok.

I understand the D-AD roads are treacherous so getting just that bit more sleep might keep him safer anyway.

Hmm... I wouldn't be happy being told I had '5 mins in the shower, 5 mins to get dressed' etc. Its very controlling. Some people need longer and prefer a slower paced start to their day, and I think you need to let your dh decide whats the best way for him, especially given his 3 hours daily commute and long working day. For example, I leave for work just after 7, but I prefer to be up well before 6, have a good soak under the shower, leisurely coffee etc- it makes me feel ready to face the day. Of course its only reasonable for everyone in the household to try to do things quietly when others are in bed, but you cant take this to an extreme and try to control other peoples routine.

What's his solution? You have talked to him about this, haven't you?

Yeah, we've talked about it. He says "just go back to sleep then". He doesn't understand that I have tried, but I just cannot get back to sleep once I am awake.

Earplugs, eye mask and staying in bed (let him make his own coffee!), then. And tell him to be quiet - he is the one keeping the abnormal hours here, you don't have to.

And clear out the spare room as a just-in-case.

DH does this. On the days that I get up at the same time I get up when the alarm goes and he gets up. I am ready to leave 15 mins later. I don't eat breakfast but take it with me, he is rarely ready by the time I like to leave at 6. If I leave at 6.15 it okay, if I leave any later I won't make it on time.

On the days I don't work but he does the alarm goes at 5.30, it's snoozed until 6, he gets up and fannies around, comes back in to give me a kiss and leaves flapping that he's going to be late for work which is 10 mins away and he has to be there by 6.45 latest.

Well, I wouldn't reset his alarm, it's up to him when he wants it to go off. My husband needs a good 10 min before getting out of bed, leave him to set it.

But I would try earplugs/mask/sleeping two/three days a week in the spare room, whatever it takes to get better sleep. Him saying 'just go back to sleep' is ridiculous, you can't, that's the whole point. I also find if woken up from 5.30-6.30 I can't go back to sleep but end up grumpy and knackered (plus you may feel more romantic at the other end of the day if you are less tired, point this out to him!)

Alternately, have a 'quiet time' with your son in the afternoons, like a nap, this is quite common in Arabic countries where they often start very early and leave work by 1/2pm in the middle of the day. They do their 7 hours at a different time, you could think of going with that as well.

Onetoomanycornettos I wish my DS would have a nap in the afternoons, he just refuses, unfortunately.

But its not his fault if you cant get back to sleep! Im not saying its your fault either ( though I would seek doctors advice about what might be done).
The point is, you DON'T need to get up, make coffee etc for him, and neither is he asking you to. You don't need to nag him to get out of bed. If he's late for work, he'll learn that way.
I would just be very pissed off if my partner set my alarm for me' at the time HE thought appropriate for ME to get up, and then dIctated 5 mins for me in the shower, 5 mins getting dressed.... It seems you are infantilising him- hanging his work clothes up the night before- I mean, what's all that about?! And then you are using all this against him when you're upset about your sleep problems. Focus on trying to address your sleep issues rather than blaming him. Why not try going to bed an hour or two earlier, as he'll just need to get into bed then, rather than set the alarm.

You do have a point about the controlling bit Violethill. I can see that. Unfortunately, we can't go to bed any earlier as he doesn't get home until at least 7.15 pm, so by the time we've had dinner it's 8 pm. We then put our son to bed and read him a story and generally sit down around 9 pm. For an hour. That's all the 'quality time' we get.

How about you trying going to bed at 9 and then getting up in the morning with your dh, seeing as you can never get back to sleep anyway? It may not be perfect, but you never know, you could find it an improvement on how things are. You don't need to see that final hour as the only 'quality' time either- sitting down for the evening meal and doing the bedtime routine with your child is just as much quality time

I might try that tonight Violethill Thanks.

DH very often just lays in bed after the alarm goes off and I have to keep nagging him to get up.

My hubby does this ^ and then lays on so late that he misses the bus and I have to get up and give him a lift. He just can't break the habit and I am too scared to let him be late over and over (which I know he would do) as we need his income so much. So you have my sympathies!

Has anyone suggested ear plugs so you don't hear tge alarm?

Sleep on the sofa !!

Have to get up to make him a coffee !!!

Put clean sheets on the bed each day !!!!

I bet you iron his underpants too.

Talk about pathetic, never read such a load of wimpish drivel in all my life.

Mommy - I feel your pain. With my Ex I threatened grevious bodily harm if he didn't get up when the fucking alarm clock went off!! He had decided to start running in the mornings, I knew him getting up would wake me up, a butterfly moving in the next county wakes me up! - but I was fine with that but he would set it for day after day after day and rarely go. So I was awake from very early, he was turning over and going to sleep.

I asked him again and again to only set it if he actually intended getting up. Of course, of course love - was the reply? Did he - did he fuck.

So, I set up the spare room and told him that any morning he set the alarm and didn't get up, that night he was sleeping in the spare room so I could make up for the lost sleep! He hated sleeping in there, so sorted his shit out!

Make him go in the spare room.
Make him use the family bathroom.
Make the inconvenience his

He is happy with the long commute to save money
He is happy with the early starts

Great - get on with it without waking you.

Talk about pathetic, never read such a load of wimpish drivel in all my life.

Trifle, to be fair, he doesn't expect any of this. I have only been at home for the past few months (since giving up work to do my MBA) so being a 'housewife' is all a bit new to me. I guess I don't know what is and isn't reasonable.

MommyMayhem It's not about what is unreasonable or reasonable as a housewife as we all have different expectations. As long as you are comfortable with what you are doing then fuck everyone else.

How fucking rude you are trifle, when the OP has been so polite and open to suggestion all through this thread.

Mommy I really sympathise; I am a dreadful sleeper and am often awake for hours during the night. Everyone seems to be assuming that you're fretting about your DH being late for work, whereas I read it as the alarm going off and him not getting up is stopping you getting back to sleep. I'm exactly like that with my DP - if I'm awake for more than a couple of minutes then it's as if my brain wakes up and I can't get back to sleep. When DP's alarm goes off in the morning, he's really good about getting up promptly and being really quiet, but on the odd occasion when he lingers in the bed I have to restrain myself from shoving him hard and hissing 'get up so I can go back to sleep!'

All the advice about staying up until you're really tired doesn't work for me at all - it's the mornings/daytime that I'm bone tired exhausted; come bedtime I'm wide awake and could lie there reading all night. Ear plugs don't work for me either, and I'm loathe to take sleeping pills.

I think that clearing out your spare room would be really good - even if you were getting a decent night's sleep a couple of times a week then you'd probably feel a lot better. It seems that you've taken on board the suggestions here that you don't need to get up with your DH in the mornings - I don't think you should either. If the spare room is sleepable then you could go in there when DH's alarm goes off and then you won't be disturbed by his dozing/showering?

Get the spare room clear, get a few good nights' sleep, and I bet you'll feel a lot better!

'8am is very late for a child to sleep'

All mine do. Even the 7-year-old.