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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to get up at 5.15 am with my DH?

89 replies

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 03:36

OK, so a bit of background...

My DH leaves the house at 6.15 am and does not return from work until 7.15 pm. His work is very stressful and he also has a 1.5 hour drive each way. Because of this, I do everything in the house and I am happy to do so. When he gets up in the morning, his work clothes are hanging up on a hanger on the front of the wardrobe and his lunch is on the bottom shelf of the fridge for him to just take out and put in his bag. He doesn't need me at all in the mornings.

I am a terrible sleeper and have suffered from insomnia all my life. I frequently wake up in the middle of the night and lay there awake for hours. For this reason, I would like to be able to wake up later in the mornings. We got to bed around 10 pm and ideally I would like at least 8 hours. As well as the house, shopping, etc. I also homeschool our 5 year old son (who incidentally doesn't wake up until about 8 am). Even though I love teaching him, it really takes it out of me. We are also about to start another round of IVF and this is also quite heavy going.

I am completely knackered. I just need some more sleep. DH very often just lays in bed after the alarm goes off and I have to keep nagging him to get up. I can't just try to get back to sleep myself. Also, I feel that I need to keep him company in the mornings, even though he doesn't really talk. He tells me I should go back to sleep after he's left, but I have tried this and I just can't. Once I'm awake, that's it, unfortunately.

At the moment, I feel like I could die of tiredness. I know that DH is also tired, but he has to go to work, there is nothing we can do about that. Also my insomnia means that I very often don't sleep in the night either. Right now, I feel like moving into DS's room so that I am not woken up in the mornings.

So my question is, AIBU not to want to get up with him in the mornings, and to expect him to get up when the alarm goes off and creep around so as not to wake me up?

I would really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 06/02/2011 05:38

MommyMayhem To me getting woken up 6.30am rather than 5.45am would have a huge effect, probably just psychological but anything with a 5 in is way too early.

I still have no idea what your dh does in the shower for 20 minutes every morning but can understand not wanting to do it the night before as he still wouldn't feel fresh in the morning. Perhaps he could have a proper shower at night and then jump in for 5 minutes to freshen up in the morning.

I know it must be hard for him with the long hours but he needs to think of you too and if he won't make any compromises then perhaps you should clear out the spare room for week days.

GotArt · 06/02/2011 05:54

Stop nagging him to get up after his alarm goes off and don't feel like you need to get up with him, especially if he doesn't need you too. You feel guilty, that's all. You do what you do, and he does what he does. I use to feel the opposite, staying up late to see DH get home, but then after about a year, I just couldn't do it with a baby, now a toddler and being pregnant, anymore. Makes my day shit. It'll be hard at first to let it go, I know, but for you own well being, you need to.

complexnumber · 06/02/2011 07:00

Given that you live in Dubai, I'm not sure missing out on the shower in the morning is such a good idea in a month or two, in my experience it only takes a couple of minutes in the UAE heat to feel disgusting.

He should be able to get himself ready without disturbing you. Could he use a shower in a different bathroom (or do you only have the en suite?). He certainly does not need you to kick him out of bed.

Anyway, it's around 11:00 for you just now, and you are probably schooling your dc. I hope things work out soon, and I would say they have to be sorted out before getting pregnant again.

seoraemaeul · 06/02/2011 07:04

I'm in exactly the same situation and yes after a while you get use to it, we've been together for almost 8 years now and he has always worken up at 5.45 or sometimes earlier if he needs to get a flight. I also suffer from insomnia and once I'm awake I'm awake - FWIW I've discovered I feel worse if I don't get up but stay in bed trying to doze as I usually fall alseep just as one of the kids wakes me up!
But you do have another solution - clear out the spare room. I know you don't want another job on your hands, and its probably daunting but its worth it. I sleep in our spare room roughly 2 times a week although it varies on how tired I am.
IMO don't sleep in your DS's room this sends out all the wrong messages and you may end up with some issues as and when you have your next baby.

thisismyboomstick · 06/02/2011 07:25

Spare room.

AlpinePony · 06/02/2011 07:31

YANBU. I think you need to make some sort of "mental adjustment" thought wrt his alarm clock going off and you needing to remind him to get out of bed.

My OH frequently gets up at 4am for work - I used to lie awake waiting for the alarm to go off then making sure he actually got out of bed and got a shift on. At some point, and somehow, I managed to make the switch and now I don't even hear his alarm or know he's getting up - it's his responsibility to haul his arse in to work - not mine - like you, I've got enough on my plate!

Btw - am very at you home schooling! :)

MmeLindt · 06/02/2011 07:31

My DH gets up at 5:45 but sets his alarm, then sneaks into bathroom and showers. I normally wake about 6:15 when he gets dressed, but have to be up shortly afterwards anyway. He showers but does not have breakfast, he eats when he gets to work at 7:30am.

Two options:

Spare room

Your DH has to grow up and stop being so selfish. And you have to stop being a martyr. (and I mean this in the nicest possible way).

You do not need to make him coffee or keep him company. Don't feel guilty about this. You are no use to anyone if you are so exhausted.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 06/02/2011 07:34

Look, if he's late, then he's late.

He's a grown man. He will get in trouble and he won't do it again.

Roll over and go back to sleep. Stop caring i he gets out of bed.

PorkChopSter · 06/02/2011 07:46

Get the spare room ready so you have that as a bolt hole.

Stop with making him coffee! He should be making his own and bringing you a cup as he leaves.

Get him to set his alarm for 6am.

Pre-kids, I once dumped an ex after his inability to get up without making a performance drove me mad First it was the 30 minutes of alarm on snooze, everytime it went off I had to kick him awake. Then it was him running a bath and getting back into bed. Because he had previous for going back to sleep and flooding the house, I had to stay awake... then the way he dressed He'd sit down so heavily on the bed in between putting on each sock, his pants, his trousers, and bounce me awake every time. He couldn't even get dressed standing up FFS. I'm angry even and that must have been 10 years ago

PassTheTwiglets · 06/02/2011 07:46

He's probably used to you being the one to get him up and relying on that - leave him to be late one day and I bet he'll soon learn to get up in time :)

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 06/02/2011 07:56

I haven't read the whole thread but we had the same trouble and DH now puts his phone under his pillow and the alarm is set to just vibrate rather than make any noise. Then he holds it in his hands and if he snoozes I don't know about it because he flicks it off as soon as it gets going. The vibration wakes him up but rarely me.

The other thing is that they say you should stay up until you're dying of tiredness or at least 1am for the first couple of nights and don't go to bed earlier than that - you need to break your cycle. Also - try wearing ear plugs - your DH can listen out for DS too but you will hear him if he's crying so don't worry about that. They should keep you sleeping through little noises that would otherwise wake you up.

They've made a huge difference to me.

Bumpsadaisie · 06/02/2011 07:59

My dh does a very similar thing to yours three days a week (the fourth day he works from home the fifth he has DD). On the days he's not travelling he still has to get up at 6 because he has to drop me at the station for my commute to work (which I do two days a week).

I do all the laundry and make sure his work clothes are ironed and put away but beyond that I certainly don't get up and make his packed lunch or coffee. He puts his clothes ready outside the bedroom the night before so he doesn't disturb me ( esp as I might well only just be going back off after being up to DD in the night!)

Mind you my dh was sent to boarding school as a boy which for all its drawbacks does train them to get up and at the day without a fuss!

ilovemyhens · 06/02/2011 08:16

I work shifts and get up at 6am. I sneak quietly downstairs and make myself and dh a cup of tea, then have a very quick shower then quietly get dressed and leave the house. I even let the hens out before I go so that they don't make a racket at 7am and wake dh up. He goes back to sleep and everyone is happy.

It can be done

mum295 · 06/02/2011 08:20

OP, I sympathize...my DH's alarm goes off and he doesn't even twitch, but I am wide awake from then onwards whilst he dozes. DD also wakes up at the slightest noise.

And as for boarding school training them to get up easily bumpsadaisie, my DH must have missed that...he probably slept through it!

BranchingOut · 06/02/2011 08:31

Without being indelicate, is it his morning loo-going which is taking the time?

Maybe he can switch his rhythm to go at night, then have extra time in bed in the morning. I did this for a while to cope with an early start I had to do for a period of time.

I second the suggestion of ear plugs.

Also, his phone/alarm should be over the other side of the room to prevent all the snoozes.

Or try a sunrise alarm clock.

Or, could he fling on casual clothes and go, then shower at a gymn near his workplace.

Suchffun · 06/02/2011 08:32

You are not responsible for your husband. Dh and I often need to get up without waking the other- it is entirely possible.

Longtalljosie · 06/02/2011 08:35

Sort out the spare room, telling your DH it's to give the IVF the best chance.

I agree with others that you should resign from your job as snooze button but do warn him about this first...

You say "I feel I should get up with him". Why's that? It sounds like that's you, not him.

I really think the spare room is the way forward. Spend 15 mins decluttering it a day, you'll soon beat a path to the bed!

CrosswordAddict · 06/02/2011 08:41

I feel sorry for your husband, I really do BUT I reckon you must put yourself first in this instance.
Get separate rooms, leave him to his own devices and make yourself the best mother you can be to your son. Not my business, but can you try and get him into some kind of full-time education to give yourself breathing space before the next one arrives? Good luck with IVF by the way. Hope you get the outcome you want.

nufsed · 06/02/2011 08:46

Get your DH to try a sunrise alarm clock and get yourself an eye mask. He should find it much easier to get out of bed and you would still be able to hear anything to need to.

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 08:55

What's a sunrise alarm clock?

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2011 09:03

MmeLindt is absolutely right.

I think he is being selfish and inconsiderate. There are loads of people who have 3 hour commutes who don't behave like this. My "DP" frequently has a four hour drive in the morning and would never, ever do this. Similarly, if I have to get up at stupid o'clock, I do not wake the rest of the household nor rely on them to get me out of bed.

I also think that you are completely underestimating the amount of work you are doing and how physically tiring it is. Cut yourself some slack and accept that he is an adult who is capable of making his own decisions and living with the consequences (ie he stays in bed, he's late for work).

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/02/2011 09:05

Sunrise alarm clock here. They do work.

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 09:11

Thanks BelleDameSansMerci for recognising how much work I am also doing. I think DH thinks I spend all day on Mumsnet. Thanks also for the link to the alarm clocks. I don't quite understand though (in my tired state!) how one of these alarm clocks will help?

OP posts:

Violethill · 06/02/2011 09:24

Yanbu to want a decent nights sleep, but I don't think your dh is being unreasonable either. He's not asking you to get up at 5 am with him is he? So don't! If he doesn't get up out of bed straight away, don't nag, just leave him. If he's actually late for work he'll have to take the consequences (and I bet it wouldn't happen again )
Moving to another room or telling him not to shower are very unreasonable IMO. You need to see a doctor about your insomnia rather than blame your dhs getting up routine.'it sounds as thought even if your dh is as quiet as a mouse, you would still have problems. Also what if you have another child, or your 5'yr old starts waking earlier-
8am is very late for a child to sleep in so you may find this changes at some point, and better that you are prepared to cope
With it

Original poster

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 09:29

You are right Violethill, he doesn't expect me to get up with him, but what with the alarm going off and him spending so long in the shower, I wake up. And I can't get back to sleep again.

OP posts:

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