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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me - what have I done

78 replies

bafanatheSober · 05/02/2011 13:35

IABU to be really angry and upset!

Told my MIL some "gossip" about a mutual friend. She then took it upon herself to impart said information to friend's mother, using my name as the source!! This has now got back to said friend, and not unreasonably she is very very very unhappy with me. I need to accept this, and deal with the fallout, I am upset that I have caused her upset and distress.

Now - I did not state that the information was confidential, but I also did not expect the information to be shared.

I take 50% responsibility, I should not have been gossiping. I totally accept that.

When I broached the subject with MIL, she stated that I had not said that it was in confidence, and she had no problem with passing it on. She then handed me my character on a plate stating that everyone knew that I was a gossip and that I needed to take full responsibility for it getting back to my friend.

However I feel she should not have shared the information especially with friends mum, and if she had to share she should have left my name out of it.

This is likely to have huge ramifications (esp at work). But I feel so upset by the way MIL reacted to the subject, and how it turned into my character being assasinatted.

I feel angry and hurt, but I also know that you lot will tell me the truth.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
bafanatheSober · 05/02/2011 13:37

Just to state, I do not think that I am a gossip generally, but obviously need to do some soul searching about that one too

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 13:37

You should take 100% responsibility. None of this could possibly have happened had you not gossiped. You didn't even tell the person that your gossip was not to be repeated. Sorry, but it is totally your fault.

You need to grovel.

marmy55 · 05/02/2011 13:37

its your fault , keep your trap shut in future

Grabaspoon · 05/02/2011 13:38

YABVU - That is why you don't share gossip with people that have 8 degrees of separation.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 13:38

Oh, but I am sorry that it's come and bit you in the arse, I wouldn't wish that on you.

But suck it up. You gossiped, it's your fault. Apologise, grovel, do whatever it takes.

And never gossip again. It's not worth it.

taintedpaint · 05/02/2011 13:39

It is your fault, but MIL also bares some blame. She doesn't sound very nice either tbh. I think perhaps both of you need to retreat and think about how you handle things.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 13:39

Ummmmmm tricky...

You really should have said it was confidential, well you shouldnt actually have told her in the first place but I bet you dont make that mistake again.

I would ring your friend and apologise very very profusely.

It obviously also depends on the nature of the gossip as to how you can extract yourself out of the shit too.

I hold my hands up to being a bit of a gossip Blush but if someone tells me something in confidence, I dont repeat it. I dont even tell my husband as he is the biggest gobshite ever for blurting stuff out that I have told him to keep quiet.

Flisspaps · 05/02/2011 13:40

YABU.

Secretwishescometrue · 05/02/2011 13:44

You were wrong, but your mil sounds like a spiteful sort and it sounds a bit like she wanted it to bite you in the ass this time by telling the ladys mother

BuzzLightBeer · 05/02/2011 13:45

YABU. You gossiped. You gossiped to someone who could get it back to the source. Its entirely your fault. you should grovel to your friend and learn to keep your trap shut.

Original poster
bafanatheSober · 05/02/2011 13:48

Yes well that was the kick up the bum I needed really Sad.

A very valuable lesson learned, I am just so sorry that I have hurt someone in the process.

OP posts:
GelflinGirl · 05/02/2011 13:49

we all gossip to a certain extent, do think you need to think about what your saying and who your saying it too first though.

Dont panic, your not the first and you wont be the last but if i were you id be round your friends sharpish and apolagise and promise to keep your mouth shut from now on lol

I should imagion it will take a bit of time for her to trust you again but just put this one down to life experience and learn from it.

btw i think your mil sounds like a beep! Happy to take the info from you but then take no responsibility after!! be very careful with her in future

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 13:50

Ring her and tell her. THe longer you leave it, the worse it makes you look and the harder it will be for her to forgive you.

Be prepared for a load of abuse of her, and accept it.

It will blow over, but the sooner you get an apology in, the quicker she will calm down.

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 13:50

If your MIL is right and you perhaps do like a bit of a gossip (and most people talk about what other people are up to at some time) then she is as well.

But I don't think you can force people into taking 50% of the blame, responsibility isn't a cake you can divide up equally.

You sound like you're open to saying you were wrong and shouldn't have said anything, so that's a start.

Just be honest and say you've made a mistake.

ThatllDoPig · 05/02/2011 13:50

Yes, all you can do is grovel and explain how shit you feel about it. life lesson learnt. good luck

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 13:50

Oh, and don't tell your MIL any juicy bits of gossip anything again Smile

alemci · 05/02/2011 14:05

I don't think that was nice of your M in Law. She sounds like she was making trouble.

Surely she knew it would not be good to repeat it back to the girl's mum

Apologise to your friend. We all make mistakes. don't be too hard on yourself.

What does your DH think about the way his mother behaved out of interest. I would keep oout of M in law way from now on and create some distance

Original poster
bafanatheSober · 05/02/2011 14:15

DH is actually exdh, and I do wonder about her motives for telling.

Friend has been seeing married man for past year. Married man has now left wife and they are now officially a couple, but have really been seeing each other for well over a year, this came to me from several different sources, and I kept it to myself, however the constant droning of how wonderful said friend is, encouraged me to share her imperfections. I seriously unestimated MIL - who I have alsway thought I had a good relationship with,

what get me, is that she must have seriously hurt friend's mother's feeling too!

But I do take all responsibility.

OP posts:
elmofan · 05/02/2011 14:23

Eh - did you really need to post your friends situation on here Hmm

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 14:27

'did you really need to post your friends situation on here'

Especially when I resisted the temptation to ask Grin

BringOnTheGoat · 05/02/2011 14:31

There you go spreading the gossip again Grin

Your friend acted badly and is upset it's biting her on the arse by sound of it. Never overestimate relationship with X-MIL or underestimate what they will do to you. See it so many times on MN.

elmofan · 05/02/2011 14:36

lol Agent Grin

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 14:36

Yes. you can't stop yourself, can you Grin

Did you think that perhaps, if we knew what she'd done, that we'd change our minds? Grin

ccpccp · 05/02/2011 14:36

exMIL is the trouble here, not you. Passing gossip back to the source (which is really what she has done) can be for only one reason - to cause trouble.

Distance yourself and see how she likes being out of the loop. No more gossip - she isnt your friend.

Original poster
bafanatheSober · 05/02/2011 14:37

No probably not - but seeing as this is anonymous, and I am anonymous, there is no danger that any of you are going to tell her mother about it!!

Bloody hell, I am not a saint, but I just feel that MIL shared something that was very hurtful with someone and abdicated responsibility of the message by using my name. If she felt so strongly that friend's mother needed to know, why did she have to use my name.

However, it is done now, I need to make amend, in the process of writing a card to friend not because I am a coward, but because she is away on holiday. and will ensure she has is by the time she is back.

I can do nothing else, but learn the lessons I am being taught by this whole situation

Thanks for your brutal honesty.

OP posts: