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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me - what have I done

78 replies

bafanatheSober · 05/02/2011 13:35

IABU to be really angry and upset!

Told my MIL some "gossip" about a mutual friend. She then took it upon herself to impart said information to friend's mother, using my name as the source!! This has now got back to said friend, and not unreasonably she is very very very unhappy with me. I need to accept this, and deal with the fallout, I am upset that I have caused her upset and distress.

Now - I did not state that the information was confidential, but I also did not expect the information to be shared.

I take 50% responsibility, I should not have been gossiping. I totally accept that.

When I broached the subject with MIL, she stated that I had not said that it was in confidence, and she had no problem with passing it on. She then handed me my character on a plate stating that everyone knew that I was a gossip and that I needed to take full responsibility for it getting back to my friend.

However I feel she should not have shared the information especially with friends mum, and if she had to share she should have left my name out of it.

This is likely to have huge ramifications (esp at work). But I feel so upset by the way MIL reacted to the subject, and how it turned into my character being assasinatted.

I feel angry and hurt, but I also know that you lot will tell me the truth.

Thanks

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 14:39

If you hadn't told her, she could not have used that information against you.

A harsh lesson indeed. I hope you can sort it out.

Greenkit · 05/02/2011 14:39

I was going to ask what the gossip was.

But you told, even though you said you would never spread gossip again.......

Got anymore??

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 14:41

How is it going to have ramifications at work.

You dont have to say obviously..

BringOnTheGoat · 05/02/2011 14:42

Lol - green

I wouldn't count this as gossiping - may have to check the dictionary - your friend was with a married man for a year - sounds like a fact - an unpleasant one but that's her issue not yours.

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2011 14:46

I'm sure the character assassination your MIL meted out to you was just because she was feeling crap for passing it on.

I wouldn't be too hard on her because anything you can say about her can apply to you really, as well as vice versa

And don't be too hard on yourself either, shit happens, people talk about it, it makes the world go round (and much more interesting).

If your friend didn't want her business being talked about, she shouldn't have had an affair.

musicposy · 05/02/2011 14:47

"however the constant droning of how wonderful said friend is,"

You're judging as well as gossiping, you know. Not saying an affair is right in any way, but you really never know what happens inside someone else's life, so you do need to learn not to gossip to others.

However, apologise and really mean it and you will at least limit the damage. Years ago when I was at college someone I thought was a good friend gossiped about me having split with my long term boyfriend - despite me having specifically asked her not to say anything yet as I couldn't cope with the fallout. Next day it was all round college.

I was so, so upset, mainly because she's betrayed my trust. But it was made worse by the fact that she brushed off what she'd done. It wrecked our friendship. But if she'd apologised immediately and wholeheartedly, that would have helped limit the hurt.

If you haven't already done so, get on the phone now. If you thing she won't speak, write. Make sure you don't try and justify yourself in any way - just be very sorry.

prettywhiteguitar · 05/02/2011 14:47

humm sounds like your MIL was using you to have a go at this ladies mum

all naughty

musicposy · 05/02/2011 14:50

Just seen you are writing to her. Good on you. Everyone makes mistakes, the thing is to learn from them.

Officerswife · 05/02/2011 14:54

I feel quite sorry for you actually! Yes yes we all know it's not nice to gossip but if I told my MIL something I wouldn't expect it to go any further - what's said within a family never goes outside, that's what our rule is. Your MIL sounds like a cow. That said, you clearly have some ground to make up with your friend, but I would still be angry with the MIL and keep her at arms length in future.

iismum · 05/02/2011 15:05

I think people are being a bit harsh. You were clearly wrong to gossip, and a bit foolish not to be explicit about not passing it on, as you freely admit. But your MIL not only passed it on to someone closely involved, which is totally out of order, but also cited you as the source. I reckon your MIL is at least as responsible as you and her unapologetic attitude seems strange.

Having said that, that excuse is unlikely to cut much ice with your friend, and abject apologies without any excuses are probably best there. Good luck with that - I've been there and it's not fun, but hopefully you can still mend things.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 15:16

Lets all be honest here, if someone is seeing a married man, and is the willing participant in breaking his marriage up. She deserves what is coming to her to be fair.

I had a bit of sympathy until the OP explained what it was about. That sympathy has gone now.

I wouldnt give a toss about her being upset and distressed... imagine how this blokes wife must be feeling.

Grandmar · 05/02/2011 17:37

Chalk it down to experience and don't do it again!

unpa1dcar3r · 05/02/2011 17:38

You obviously share some blame but no more or less than your rotten MIL- she has anialiated your character accusing you of gossiping when she's done the same thing herself, cheeky cow!
Not knowing what the gossip was doesn't help (not that I want to know!) but if it's like a personal issue maybe you could apologise to your friend and say you didn't realise it was confidential and you wanted an older womans stance on it.
Just blag it in other words!
Or you could deny telling your MIL and warn your friend what a rotten old gossip and liar she is too!!!

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 17:40

Do people not read threads on here before they comment? The OP has posted about what the gossip was... lol!!!

bupcakesandcunting · 05/02/2011 17:42

I cannot comment until I know the nature of the gossip. Just for perspective, like.

bupcakesandcunting · 05/02/2011 17:42

Ooh, fuck. Just saw Bubblewrapped's above post. I got to the bottom of page one and thought that was the end of the thread

unpa1dcar3r · 05/02/2011 17:47

Depends how many threads there are Bubble!
Read it after though...quite juicy innit! But don't tell the MIL

Personally I wouldn't tell mine anything, she's a nightmare and even when you don't tell her things she makes some up anyway!

HingCogNeeto · 05/02/2011 17:51

I think OP ought to tell us the implications for work, as she's already blabbed the rest of the story

hairylights · 05/02/2011 17:58

Yabu!

Longtalljosie · 05/02/2011 17:59

The thing is, you were gossiping. Your MIL was shit-stirring, in full knowledge of the consequences. Far worse IMO. Yes, your friend has done a bad thing, but your MIL knew she would be causing the mother pain and embarrassment, and changing her relationship with her daughter irrevocably. She sounds unpleasant.

atswimtwolengths · 05/02/2011 18:00

I don't think that was gossip, actually.

You told your MIL something that was true about your friend. It's your MIL who was in the wrong, in my opinion, telling your friend's mother - who the hell does that?

I'd keep away from your MIL as much as you can - don't let it affect her seeing the children etc, but she is really not your friend.

humanoctopus · 05/02/2011 18:06

If I were said friend, I would expect a certain amount of 'chat' or gossip about my interesting situation.
What hurts, I think, is when information about me, or gossip, has a nice, thick, juicy layer of judgementalism added to it. Even more hurtful if the person commenting is supposed to be a friend.

Longtalljosie · 06/02/2011 08:31

I agree you need to write / email your friend (email is more private) saying you know you did a bad thing, but you trusted your MIL not to say anything and are devastated she did what she did.

As for your MIL, right back at her. She's using attack as the best form of defence. Do not let her put this one on you. Tell her the decision to tell your friend's mother was hers and hers alone - and in your view the fault is hers. Say perhaps you shouldn't have trusted her but you did and feel let down.

In truth, you're both at fault really. But given your MIL's reaction if you admit any culpability she will decide it was all your fault and it so wasn't.

MsKLo · 06/02/2011 08:57

You were wrong, totally wrong to gossip and to judge

You mil sounds nasty too - she obviously thinks you were nasty and wanted to teach you a lesson. Keep your distance and learn from this.

You have both been quite awful!

FellatioNelson · 06/02/2011 09:48

It undoubtedly WAS your fault, but if the information was even remotely sensitive and likely to have huge ramifications then I think your MIL was very naughty to go straight to the girl's mother with it. I feel for you as I think you've been stitched up a bit, but this is a lesson you must learn, and as others have said: Suck it up.

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