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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me - what have I done

78 replies

bafanatheSober · 05/02/2011 13:35

IABU to be really angry and upset!

Told my MIL some "gossip" about a mutual friend. She then took it upon herself to impart said information to friend's mother, using my name as the source!! This has now got back to said friend, and not unreasonably she is very very very unhappy with me. I need to accept this, and deal with the fallout, I am upset that I have caused her upset and distress.

Now - I did not state that the information was confidential, but I also did not expect the information to be shared.

I take 50% responsibility, I should not have been gossiping. I totally accept that.

When I broached the subject with MIL, she stated that I had not said that it was in confidence, and she had no problem with passing it on. She then handed me my character on a plate stating that everyone knew that I was a gossip and that I needed to take full responsibility for it getting back to my friend.

However I feel she should not have shared the information especially with friends mum, and if she had to share she should have left my name out of it.

This is likely to have huge ramifications (esp at work). But I feel so upset by the way MIL reacted to the subject, and how it turned into my character being assasinatted.

I feel angry and hurt, but I also know that you lot will tell me the truth.

Thanks

OP posts:
Morloth · 06/02/2011 11:07

You should keep your trap shut. Doesn't matter what others are doing, you need to worry about what you are doing.

OTheHugeManatee · 06/02/2011 13:13

That'll learn you, then:

a) don't gossip, and

b) don't trust your MIL with confidential information.

Makingaminime · 06/02/2011 13:21

You did wrong and should apologise to your mate but FFS your MIL sounds like an utter cow!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/02/2011 13:41

bafanathesober... Most of us 'gossip' at some point. Your ExMIL had her own reasons for passing on the gossip and that's HER responsibility not yours. Unless she's a very stupid person, she would have realised the impact of what she was saying - and she made sure that the source was revealed so that there was no danger of herself being implicated somehow.

I think what ccpccp says is the way to go - take her out of the loop. Your ExMIL is either extremely conniving and trouble-causing or she's so daft as to not know what she's saying - either way, you can't tell her stuff again. Be prepared to explain that to her if she asks... Just say, "With regret ExMIL, I can't tell you, you understand, don't you?" citing this fiasco as the reason why.

As far as the hurt party goes. I'd do the soul-searching that you say you're going to do then put yourself in her shoes and think of a reason why you passed on the information that you think SHE could understand - and tell her that. Be as honest as you can without hurting her again and fgs... rehearse it!

Megatron · 06/02/2011 15:13

Ah what a mess! You were wrong to pass this on to ANYBODY. Your MIL sounds like she had her own motives and she should feel bad for upsetting your friends mum.

Lesson learned I think, stop gossiping or you'll get a name for yourself (if you don't already).

Spinkle · 06/02/2011 16:44

Mil has stitched you up like a kipper. Keep your mouth shut in future and it won't be a problem. Happened to me once and I still feel ashamed to this day. But I learned a valuable lesson

Salmotrutta · 06/02/2011 17:16

Oh dear - as someone who has "blabbed" in the past I can understand how you are cringing now! I didn't directly hurt anyone but I could have and it mortified me. I was young and stupid and I learnt a valuable lesson.
Take it on the chin (the way we all have to sometime) and never ever do it again.
And your MIL does sound like she did this very deliberately.

Fedupandfuming · 06/02/2011 18:03

Can most people on here really claim to never ever gossip about anyone else? Gossip is as old as time!

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 06/02/2011 18:10

So is prostitution Fedupandfuming!! :o Shock :o

Takeresponsibility · 06/02/2011 18:15

Ok, you have accepted responsibiloity, taken steps to apologise and explain to your friend, learned your lesson about gossiping and learned some hard truths about your exMiL.

You have to take 100% responsibility for your actions, but no-one made exMiL gossip, (especially to the other girls Mum) either so she has to take 100% responsibility for hers

One more step...do you now your friend's Mum? If you do then you owe her an apology too, if she didn't know then it will/may have been a shock, but certainly a pretty nasty thing to hear on the grapevine about your own daughter. If she did know then it won't be pleasant for her to have found out that everyone, especially malicious old bats like exMiL know and are gleefully spreading it around.

Fedupandfuming · 06/02/2011 18:19

Just can't believe people are being so sanctimonious. We've all gossiped from time to time, and it's really hypocritical to give someone else such a hard time for doing it. There but for the grace of god...

Meddling MILs are as old as time too!

IreneHeron · 06/02/2011 19:34

Fedup, I'm with you. I'm sure we've all done it at some point or other. I think it just doesn't stick in the mind if you've not been found out like OP has.

You shouldn't have done it, 50% because it is wrong and 50% because you gave your exMIL ammo to totally stitch you up! She knows what she's done. Nobody would go to the mother and name the source of the gossip innocently, she was being evil.

fedupofnamechanging · 06/02/2011 19:55

To me, gossip is when you repeat something which may or may not be true, with the intent to shit stir.

(I appreciate that my definition may differ from others)

With that in mind, it is your MIL who best fits the description of 'gossip' as her intent was clearly to cause trouble. Yours was not. Given that she is your exMIL, I wouldn't let the nasty bitch back in my house. She is not a nice person or a friend to you.

Wrt the 'gossip' itself, it sounds to me like you repeated a fact. In the top trumps of wrong doing, your friend wins hands down. You shouldn't have repeated what she did, but she shouldn't have done it the first place. Given that she had sex with someone else's husband for a year, she is no position to hold a moral high ground. Still, if you want to keep the friendship, you will have to apologise (I wouldn't grovel). It is annoying to hear someone extol the virtues of someone who doesn't have any, so i can see why you did it.

softglowsandmaybes · 06/02/2011 20:12

having read the OP, no more than you deserve im afraid, if you are party to information that could be damaging if passed on KEEP IT TO YOURSELF - its not difficult. Gossip is malicious and nasty

mummyloveslucy · 06/02/2011 20:31

Why is the Op getting such a hard time? We all gossip from time to time, don't we?????

IreneHeron · 06/02/2011 20:39

Karma, good point. I don't mind people gossiping about me because I don't feel ashamed of anything I've done. I'm happy to admit anything. Your friend put herself in the situation that gossip could harm her.

I don't think OP was that bad in what she's done. She told her MIL a fact that was known by many other people as I understand it and could easily be found out even if the OP hadn't opened her mouth from other sources. If OP had betrayed a confidence that only she was party to that was of a personal such as for example a medical nature, then that is quite different.

IreneHeron · 06/02/2011 20:41

Oh, and as for your MIL having a go at you for gossiping OP, WTF does she think she was doing when talking to the mother?

mumbar · 06/02/2011 20:54

Its a hard one.

OP you do need to apologise and I would say you didn't mean for anyone to get hurt.

BUT gossip and chatting is a fine line. When your with friends and one is missing its usual for someone to ask after that person. You could call passing on that information gossip.

op having said ^^ I think you need to pass on simple information NOT the facts which clearly that person wouldn't want to be broadcast.

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BootyMum · 06/02/2011 21:44

Agree that MIL sounds spiteful and is stirring up trouble. I would be very very careful about what I told her in the future.

It was perhaps not very nice of you to be gossiping in the first place [but I think you know this] but MIL was being vindictive when she passed gossip on [naming you as source] to gossipee's mother... What agenda does she have for doing this? She must have realised she was causing trouble for you, as well as hurting your friend and friend's mother in the process...

hmmm, lovely lady Hmm

Original poster
bafanatheSober · 06/02/2011 22:33

Evening all

There have been a wide range of opinions on this one, and I thank you all for taking time to give me your views.

The information/gossip was true and a well known secret in my circle of friends, the friend is not a close one, more of an aquaintance, but I did pass the information.

I have written an heartfelt apology and will deliver it to her tomorrow. Whether she accepts it is up to her, there is no more that I can do.

It has taught me several lessons, one of them being not to pass on this kind of information.
Not to trust exMIL at all.
And to think before I open my big bloody gob Grin.

I

OP posts:
working9while5 · 06/02/2011 22:57

Load of crap, some of the responses on here.

I don't understand why judginess is such a taboo these days. If the friend is shagging a married man, hell, I judge her. I would judge her if she were my friend. I don't believe that it's "each to their own", I just don't believe in anyone becoming a third party to someone else's marriage. I had to cut a good friend out of my life for this because it's not something I support and is something I feel strongly about. It was a shame, but adults make their own decisions in life and sometimes (in fact, frequently if MN is anything to go by!) the consequences of those decisions involve being judged by others. When the decisions are potentially as divisive as marital infidelity, it can lead to friendships breaking down etc. So fucking what, you know? I'm sure people judge me, and will judge me for being so black and white about infidelity, but there you go.

I would be Blush if I got caught saying that about someone, so I understand the OP's cringiness but sod it, judge away as far as I'm concerned.

On the other hand, sharing info like this with an exMIL who may have issues with you is ill-advised and you can chalk it up to experience (as you seem to be doing).

donkeyderby · 06/02/2011 23:15

Ha ha, you can't MOVE for haloes on here! Yes OP, you are the only person on MN who EVER gossips. Go and sit on the naughty step

muminthemiddle · 06/02/2011 23:43

Well when I first read your op I thought that perhaps your MIL WAS right. I was left with the feeling that you had gossiped about a good friend and passed on confidential information say about the fact that she is seriously ill or something. However, after reading the issue that was gossiped about I feel that you are nbu but your mil is.
You have stated a fact and hell if my neighbour/aquaintance was screwing a married man then I would feel free to comment. It is a fact, she has done it and quite frankly if she didn't want people to have an opinion about it then she shouldn't have done it should she?

Your mil is a bitch. What good did she think would come of telling the woman's mother? None whatso ever she purely wanted to hurt you and/or your friend's mother and your friend.

Next time you see her I would be very stand-offish. let her know that you will never again trust her and it was her who hurt her friend because she made the decision to blab to her "friend" about her daughter.
Christ if a doctor told her someone close to her was dying would she then feel compelled to spill the beans as it were.

lastly think before you speak!!! there are somethings that I do not reveal about my friends, not to anyone. Stating "facts" about neighbours/work collegues is different though.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 07/02/2011 07:50

Donkey - I bet not many people say stuff that is going to drop them right in a barrel of shit - especially work wise. that is an important difference.

You have to be smart. You have to think. That's what OP failed to do. Break it down to its most selfish Grin she basically failed to protect herself.

And now she's in a whole load of crap and has to dig out of it.