Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at DP?

98 replies

rereredsox · 05/02/2011 05:12

Sorry, I know it's late but there's no way I'd be able to sleep with this on my mind.

My XP (and DS's dad) died on Thursday night. I was with XP for five years and we split when DS was two. DS is now seven and sees his dad every weekend/odd weekday that I'm working late, etc. I don't want to say too much about his death simply because it was reported quite heavily on our local radio/news and I don't want to be recognised.

I was in shock myself and couldn't find the words to tell DS so I was putting it off until Fri evening (I only found out on Fri morning). During dinner, current DP just turned to DS and said "X, your dad is dead" and carried on eating his food.

I have only just managed to get DS to sleep as he has been crying all night and am furious at DP. He is my son so I should have been the one to tell him, and not over the mince pie! Am so angry. Grrrr.

OP posts:
GotArt · 05/02/2011 05:21

That was extremely insensitive of your partner. To say it like that to a 7 year old, let to anyone. Sorry for yours and DS's loss. You should look into grief therapy for DS asap.

Rosedee · 05/02/2011 05:34

Yadnbu I'd be fuming too. What an arse. Have you told him how wrong he was? Hugs for your son.

DesertOasis · 05/02/2011 05:36

Dump your DP....what an arse.
Your poor son, and you.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/02/2011 06:20

I normally wouldn't say something like this.

You only ever get one side of the story etc from MN and never know the full details of someones relationship so only you can really ddecide.

However, if my DP EVER treated my child so insensitively and with such utter contempt then I would be packing his backs and getting the hell away from him.

Anyone who can treat people this way has a whole heap of issues in my opinion. This was designed to hurt and inflict the most pain possible - on your poor DS. What a sadistic bully your partner is.

Does he normally show such dispicable behaviour? Is he very controlling? DOes he normally indermine your parenting of your own son?

I would be more than furious - your son is going to need an awful lot of care over the next few months and I also advise some greif councelling. The way that your DP dealt with this is likely to have made this much worse for your son.

I am horrified on so many levels.

TanteRose · 05/02/2011 06:24

agree - that is sadistic and shocking behaviour

how on earth did he justify saying that?

has there been any hint of apology, remorse, any comfort given to your son by DP?

I am so sorry about your ex DP by the way Sad

ScroobiousPip · 05/02/2011 06:26

Yes, callous in the extreme. Does your DP generally get on well with your DS? Warning bells for me too.

Sorry for your and your DS's loss. You've a tough time ahead and need all the support you can get.

justcarrots29 · 05/02/2011 06:30

I am so surprised and upset fro your son. I think your current partner obviously doesn't want this next few months to be about to be about your XP and therefore is trying to downplay everything as much as possible.
He is probably feeling really angry that you and your son will be mourning him.

However, he should suck it up and be a support and if he were half the partner he should be he will. Speak to him seriously and if you get anything less than full support I suggest you pack his bags if that is at all an option for you. He has being an awful influence on you and your son doing this.

MommyMayhem · 05/02/2011 06:52

Fucking hell, that is terrible. What a despicable thing to do. I am not sure I could forgive him for that.

How is your son doing? Is there any bereavement counselling available in your area.

Feel so sorry for you both Sad.

MommyMayhem · 05/02/2011 06:53

If my DP EVER treated my child so insensitively and with such utter contempt then I would be packing his backs and getting the hell away from him.

I am afraid to say that I would, too.

activate · 05/02/2011 07:14

Winstonswish.org should be able to help and try not to be upset by the natural grief process

DP's actions are horrifying

If this is symptomatic of his general demanour then I'd be worried - is there any chance he thought he was doing the right thing ? Maybe it was bubbling inside until it burst out.

I would be furious too - but you have to try tosee it in context of him

flootshoot · 05/02/2011 07:19
Shock

I'm sorry, but what a wanker. How much can he really care about your DS if he can be so flippant with his feelings? I'd be packing his bags now TBH.

FreudianSlippery · 05/02/2011 07:21

OMG Angry that is utterly awful. how could anyone do that!

What is this guy like normally? How long have you been together, what is he like usually with DS?

I'm so sorry for your and DS's loss. x

KaraStarbuckThrace · 05/02/2011 07:24

Well he really has shown his true colours, clearly an insensitive, callous twat Angry

Your poor DS, this will be such a difficult time for him and he needs people around him who will support him.

I'm afraid I would be packing his bags as well.

VeryStressedMum · 05/02/2011 07:27

That is awful, I would seriously reconsider the relationship - he doesn't have a lot of care for your ds.
Does your dp live with you? How long have you been together?

I hope your ds is ok.

spidookly · 05/02/2011 07:35

I think calling him a sadist on so little information is ridiculous.

Why do you think he did it? Why does he say he did it? Do you believe him?

Obviously he was very wrong, and of course you are annoyed with him. The situation should have neen yours to handle.

But a sudden death makes people act in weird ways.

Is it possible he just blurted it out without thinking it through? Was he concerned that your son might hear from the radio and work it out? Did he think you were finding it too difficult to raise?

Your son wasn't crying all night because of how he was told, he was crying because his Dad died.

The manner of telling may not have been ideal, but it pales into significance in comparison with what was being imparted.

You are understandably very upset. How much of your upset is about the death if your ex, and how much about how your partner reacted?

I would not be making any rash decisions or making any dramatic gestured right now.

Unless you knowingly moved in with a sadist who hates your child this is something than can be considered coolly once the high emotion of the next few weeks has passed.

ErnestTheBavarian · 05/02/2011 07:40

No, that would be the end for me. If he can be so astoundingly cruel over this, and don't want to make you feel worse. Ut he stole so something from you - the right to tell your ds, and in your way, he did it himself in a cruel way which shows he cares little for your views and feelings, and sadly not at all for your ds'. I have got a 7 yr old ds. He would be devastated, of course, but to be told in that way, it's breathtaking.

I'm adraid I would fear for my ds' mental health if dp was allowed further contact. I wouldn't be able to forgive this or trust him again.

Shocking. Really really bad. Aim so sorry for you and ds :(

Pheebe · 05/02/2011 07:47

The manner of telling may not have been ideal, but it pales into significance in comparison with what was being imparted.

spidookly, I'm sorry but I disagree. The moment we are told these things is the moment that lives with us forever. It doesn't change the impact of what we are told but has huge implications for how we are able to process, adjust to and ultimately accept the event. Events such as these show us the true colours of the people around us. There is no excuse for his behaviour as an adult not directly emotionally affected by OP 's Ex's death.

OP, I am so sorry for yours and your ds's loss. As other posters have said, please do seek grief counselling for your ds but also for yourself. I think some distance from your current partner for yourself and your ds is something to consider but may in fact make the situation worse depending on how he has behaved since (is he sorry, apologetic etc).

giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/02/2011 07:51

Spidookly - you have reacted in a much more measured way than most of us - difficult given the information given in the OP.

However - from the information we have been given this poses quite a few issues - not all of which can be explained easily by the 'shock' of the news....

Surely DP should be discussing parenting of DS with is mother before barging in?
Also, would you not agree that it should have been his mothers decision and most respectful partners would see this?
Surely DP should have offered some sort of sympathy rather than continuing with his meal?
Even in shock - would DP not realise there are more sensative ways to deal with it?
Why would anyone think that over dinner was an appropriate time to impart this information?
Given that the OP has not mentioned it, it is not safe to assume that DP has not bothered to try and comfort DS after giving him the news?
Although not mentioned in the OP it doesn't sound like the DP has been overly supportive of the OP either.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise that kids would have more difficulty with this than adults, and therefore he should have been thinking about it. The fact that he continued with his meal like nothing happened points to some very odd behaviour IMO

FreudianSlippery · 05/02/2011 07:53

I'm with pheebe - of course right now the actual loss is the worst thing possible for DS, but in years to come when he's made his peace with his father's death, he'll still remember - and be hurt by - the way he was told.

spidookly · 05/02/2011 07:55

He "stole" something from her?

WTF?

So this is about the OP's imagined "right" to the experience of telling her son about his father's death?

The entire town knew from morning that this kid's Dad had died.

His mother was struggling (understandably) to find words to tell him.

There are clearly many reasons why he might have said what he said. But there is not information here to justify calling him cruel.

He might be, he might not.

But presuming this family were happy and functional before this shocking event, doesn't it make more sense to let the storm of emotions pass before considering how to deal with this?

If my child were grieving, that's not the time I'd choose to break up with my partner.

softglowsandmaybes · 05/02/2011 07:59

I have been on mnet for a long time - this is the worst thing i have ever read on here!!

So angry for your little boy, how terrible for you. Your DP is a prize cunt and i seriously think he should be your ex DP very VERY soon.

He is blatantly jealous of your relationship with your ex and has taken it out on his son.

You are going to have to focus all your energy on your Son just now, deal with the fuckwit DP later, but seriously, that would be the moment he became my ex-DP

mjloveswineoclock · 05/02/2011 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MarioandLuigi · 05/02/2011 08:03

What a Twat! I can not imagine why he thought it was okay to tell him like that and I would definately be re-considering my relationship with him if he treated my son with such contempt.

TyraG · 05/02/2011 08:10

spidookly sometimes you say the most insightful things and I agree with you, other times (like now) you sound like you're just talking out your ass.

Yes OP had the right to tell HER SON what happened to his father. Her DP had NO RIGHT to overstep his boundaries and blurt out "your dad is dead". Yes there are two sides to every story but there is NOTHING that he could say to excuse his handling of this issue.

Perhaps you don't think telling a small child that his dad is dead over dinner then continuing to eat while the child reacts to this horrific information is cruel, but the rest of us who have the capacity for sympathy and/or empathy do.

mjloveswineoclock · 05/02/2011 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn