to be fuming at DP?

[rereredsox]

Sorry, I know it's late but there's no way I'd be able to sleep with this on my mind.

My XP (and DS's dad) died on Thursday night. I was with XP for five years and we split when DS was two. DS is now seven and sees his dad every weekend/odd weekday that I'm working late, etc. I don't want to say too much about his death simply because it was reported quite heavily on our local radio/news and I don't want to be recognised.

I was in shock myself and couldn't find the words to tell DS so I was putting it off until Fri evening (I only found out on Fri morning). During dinner, current DP just turned to DS and said "X, your dad is dead" and carried on eating his food.

I have only just managed to get DS to sleep as he has been crying all night and am furious at DP. He is my son so I should have been the one to tell him, and not over the mince pie! Am so angry. Grrrr.

I agree with Altinkum, the way you are told does stay in your memory longer than anything else.

When my FIL died, my MIL rang me in utter panic and blurted it out.. (I dont blame her at all, as she had just found his body). but her words will haunt me forever.

Equally when my mum collapsed, I can still clearly remember now the words that were said to me, by my husband who answered the phone, and the ICU nurse who spoke to me. They were both very gentle with me, and it really does make a difference as to how you are told.

The way this little boy was told is cruel. Very very cruel. Those words can NEVER be taken back, or an apology sufficient because the situation can never be reversed. The actions of this man are despicable and I wonder how he is going to behave over the next few days towards both the Op and her son who have a right to mourn. He sounds a very uncaring and downright cold individual who has no empathy or sympathy for anyone, and I would certainly question any future with him.

"If my DP EVER treated my child so insensitively and with such utter contempt then I would be packing his backs and getting the hell away from him."

He'd have been out of the house within 10 minutes of me throwing his clothes through the window!

I lost my mum as a child and still remember how I was told. It stays with you forever.

So sorry for your loss.

The manner of telling may not have been ideal, but it pales into significance in comparison with what was being imparted.

I disagree with this too. I remember being told about my cousin's death when I was ten. I remember what TV programme we had been watching, the look on my dad's face, where my mum and brother were sitting on the sofa... It's the same for the other deaths I've experienced.

I don't want to give you advice on what to do next, but your DP is going to have to come up with a pretty good reason for his behaviour if he's going to come out of is without looking like a complete and utter bastard.

It may well affect his relationship wi your son, too. Your son will remember this forever and question why it wasn't dealt with in a better way.

Wow. That would be a dealbreaker for me. How someone could be so insensitive towards a child is beyond me. I would be out of the relationship already, I have to say.

I'm so sorry for your DS that he has lost his father, and I'm sorry you are living with a heartless twat.

Some people.... :(

The manner of telling may not have been ideal, but it pales into significance in comparison with what was being imparted.

I too disagree with this. My dad died when I was ten, and I remember everything about how I was told. There is no ideal way of letting someone know about a tragedy like that, but just turning round and blurting out is SO far from ideal, it's unreal.

However, before condemning your DP, death does make people act in odd ways, genuinely it does, and there may be something OP doesn't know about, that means her DP is just a bit screwed up when it comes to death.

At the very least, he needs to account for his actions, and apologise to your DS - and after that, if OP feels it's enough, perhaps things can get better.

How is everthing today OP, how is your DS and how are YOU feeling about it all?

I think your DP was really cruel and overstepped the mark big time. I'm genuinely unsure as to what I'd do in this situation. It's a HUGE issue, and if this were only a hint as to his callousness, I'd be asking him to leave.

I would say your DP did that deliberately. Get rid.

I do hope you're coping ok.

I lost my dad when I was 8 - I still remember the exact conversation with my my mum when we were told. Your son will too.

Please don't have this man in your son's life.

Im really sorry that this has happened to you and your son.

Your partner was cruel in the way he handled it and had no place in telling your son the news himself.

As an aside and I know it is not something you probably even want to think about, as your ex partners next of kin your son would be entitled to compensation if his father died as a result of a crime.

I know it is not something you wish to think about now, but it could stand him in good stead for his future.

It certainly seems to be an incredibly crass and insensitive thing to do on his part. But without further info as to whether this is typical behaviour, it's a bit premature to start suggesting the OP boots him out. Certainly not at the moment - wouldn't help her DS at all.

Surprised there are so many people that think the way you find out about someone dying is just as significant as the fact that they died.

The reason I remember being told about the deaths of people I loved is because they died, be ause their death mattered, not because the telling had some kind of separate importance.

Do you really think this little boy was crying all night because of how he was told?

That if he'd been told differently he wouldn't be sad?

Of course a death is more important than its telling. If the person was still alive there would be nothing to tell.

Although I guess once you get into this kind of "me too" agreeing with each other in a thread all sense goes out the window, with the clothes of the man who told a child his Dad was dead.

I mean really, what kind of selfish cunt would cause a scene like that just after their child found out they'd lost a parent?

Oh I forgot, it's not the loss that matters, it's just how you hear the news.

Now you're just being bitchy.

"Oh I forgot, it's not the loss that matters, it's just how you hear the news."

To be fair, I don't think anyone's said that.

Spidooky. Surely there are enough people on here sharing their own personal experiences to prove that the long term recollection of a close relative dying is centred around the way you heard the news.

I may be wrong, but perhaps you have not lost a parent yet, hopefully you havent. But I have lost other friends and relatives and the news of their death was sad but in no way comparable to the breath taking news of being told a parent is dead.

The recollection may be centred around how you heard the news, but that doesn't mean that how you heard the news is the most important fact of the death.

This boy's Dad died yesterday. We're not even in the ballpark of recollection.

Yes, it's shit how he heard, it's shit that that's how he will remember it.

But what actually matters now is the FACT of his father's death, not how he heard about it.

THAT is what needs to be considered here - that he's grieving and needs support with coming to terms with what happened.

Not avenging the manner of his hearing the news.

That's ridiculous.

And for one reason or another, I have a lot of very close childhood friends who lost their fathers as children and I have never heard ANY of them talk about how they heard their Dad died as being even close to being as important as having to grow up without a father.

But the manner in which he was told the news may give some indication as to how the man may behave towards this poor boy over the next few days, and towards his mother too. If he is this insensitive and crass, how the hell is he going to be supportive over the coming days and weeks, never mind long term.

This to me shows that he is not a very nice person, and would certainly make me question any future with him.

Perhaps Spidookly, because it is a bloody personal thing, thats why. And maybe they were told in a way that softened the blow somewhat, told kindly so that it didnt have such a huge impact of shock.

spidookly - "Oh I forgot, it's not the loss that matters, it's just how you hear the news."

who said that?

I agree with you theree bubblewrapped its the shock that sticks in your mind, of course you have to deal with losing your parent - after all I did as I lost my Dad when a teenager to. My Gran that I lost died after my Dad.

So whilst growing up without him was hard I was told by my Mum, as it should be. But as it wasnt like that for my Grans death it was different.

If it really was as described, I would kick him the hell out of my house and out of mine and my childs life. How horrid a thing to do to a child, it could scar for life emotionally. Insensitive twat!

This to me just shows how he would treat your child on a long term basis.

"But the manner in which he was told the news may give some indication as to how the man may behave towards this poor boy over the next few days, and towards his mother too."

It might, but only if we had some indication of his character, relationship with the boy, motivation for doing what he did, and the history of the relationship.

It could be anything from a mean, abusive man who is pissed off that this man's death is getting so much attention, to a caring step-father who has been in this boy's life since he was 3 and blurted it out because he saw a partner in turmoil and unable to tell and was afraid the boy would hear it on the news.

I don't see that we have enough here to decide that he is either a nice or a horrible person, just a person who did something they definitely shouldn't have. But IF he is a good person, I think it's easy to imagine how upsetting the situation was. People do weird things when people die, especially when young people die unexpectedly. It's very hard to deal with.

The unfortunate manner of the child's hearing this sad news is a done deal now. It can't be fixed and now is not the time to make a big deal of it to punish this man.

There is a child who has just lost his Dad. That is just as much the important consideration now that he knows as it was before he found out.

How awful.

It really does make a differecne how you hear bad news and I'm afraid this will stay with your DS forever.

I too think your DP should be told to leave - I'd be seriously concerned about his feelings towards your DS....

Or maybe, in one case they don't remember because they were only 6 (not much older than this boy) and in the others because it is only one of the aspects of their loss that matters?

I genuinely can't believe anyone thinks this is the right time to make a fuss about what has happened.

not much younger

It could be anything from a mean, abusive man who is pissed off that this man's death is getting so much attention, to a caring step-father who has been in this boy's life since he was 3 and blurted it out because he saw a partner in turmoil and unable to tell and was afraid the boy would hear it on the news

Spidookly, he carried on eating his fecking dinner... is that the actions of someone who is trying to help his partner break bad news???? It was the mums place to tell that boy, not this man. If the mum had asked him to do it, that would be different but she hadnt. An adult does not "blurt out" this sort of news to a child.

You would sit a child down, you would say it gently.. not fecking announce it and then say "ok now pass me the salt" which is what has happened here.

Telling someone about a death is one of the hardest things you ever have to do, and you only get one chance at doing it. I had to tell my husband that his dad had taken his own life, that was so painful to say. I had to ring people to tell them my mum had died. You do not just blurt these things out.