to be fuming at DP?

[rereredsox]

Sorry, I know it's late but there's no way I'd be able to sleep with this on my mind.

My XP (and DS's dad) died on Thursday night. I was with XP for five years and we split when DS was two. DS is now seven and sees his dad every weekend/odd weekday that I'm working late, etc. I don't want to say too much about his death simply because it was reported quite heavily on our local radio/news and I don't want to be recognised.

I was in shock myself and couldn't find the words to tell DS so I was putting it off until Fri evening (I only found out on Fri morning). During dinner, current DP just turned to DS and said "X, your dad is dead" and carried on eating his food.

I have only just managed to get DS to sleep as he has been crying all night and am furious at DP. He is my son so I should have been the one to tell him, and not over the mince pie! Am so angry. Grrrr.

I'm with Pheebe - I think how you are told something like this has a huge impact on you particularly in the future. It is hard to understand someone who would put their own emotions above that of a 7 year old bereaved child by telling them in that way. I'm not sure that I could ever forgive them for it.

spidookly, yes he did steal from her the right to tell her ds some devastating, life changing news. As his mother, and with his best interests at heart, she didn't rush into telling him becasue she wanted to digest the news and try and find the best words and situation possible in which to gently break the news. That moment, she was well aware, would have a huge impact on him, and it's one he#d be likely to remember for the rest of his life.

So, knowing she was not rushing into to, dp, for whatever reason, impatient, thoughtless, cruel, undermining, whatever his motivation, he decided to take away her right to tell him, and his right to hear it in a loving way from a loving person.

I don't think any parent on here , if faced with telling their dc that their other parent had died, would think any old person should be able to tell their dc any old way they wanted. Of course it is their right. It is not 'imagined'.

r ( we don't know do we, whether or not they have been together a couple of weeks or a couple of years, or whether or not they live together, how much the dp is involved with the ds and how close they are).I agree, I don't think splitting up from partner at this time is necessarily ideal, but him telling the poor boy in this way could well have caused him huge problems, and he could look back on this and resent the mum for staying with the dp and see it as mum not protecting him.

I dunno, thank God I have never had to experience such a situation and hope I never will, and I wish the OP and her ds all the strength and wisdom she needs to cope with the coming days and months.

The fact that he kept eating tells us nothing without more knowledge of the man involved. It might be a sign of cruelty, it might be a sign of trying to be matter of fact about it.

Of course he shouldn't have told the child, he was very wrong to have done so, but his character and motivation matter here and we know nothing of either.

But this is emphatically not about the OP's "rights". It's about a child's grief.

I agree with mj that this needs to be put to one side for now.

Is it fair for this child's memories of his father's passing to be forever coloured by memories of his mother splitting up with his stepfather?

Keeping everything on an even keel for the moment is most important here I think.

I think this is one of the saddest things I have ever read on here.

Your poor, poor little boy.

I don't think I need to anything about your partner's behaviour.

So sorry for your loss :(

Has he given any indication as to WHY he did this? Did he think he was helping?
Does he have social/mental health issues?

Whilst I can see that putting it to one side now for the sake of the child might seem like a good idea - is it really possible and will it be what is best for the child?

Will it fester? Will it make things difficult between OP and partner which will be picked up on by DS? Does DS need (as another poster put it) to see his mother stick up for him with DP?

Who knows.

As I said in my post you never get the full information from posts and it really is for OP to decide based on what only she can know about her relationship and her DPs relationship with DS.

However given what has been said in the OP it comes across very badly and if this was me I think I would be inclined to put some distance between me and DP.

If he has been this insensitive now (and yes without further info difficult to judge but sounding callous and quite sadistic given that he is unlikely to have had a great emotional tie to the ExP) is he going to be any help to DS at all at this sensitive time. Indeed is he going to make things worse by continuing to show a considerable lack of empathy and sensitivity towards the DS??? Also will this cause arguments between OP and DP which would make the situation worse?

I agree with Belle.

I also would have to question whether I could continue with your DP. I can't even get my head around him breaking the news in such a cruel manner.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it's a reasonable assumption that a 7 year old whose father has just died could do without his mother packing his stepfather's things and slinging him out, as has been suggested.

That is an evil thing to do. Get rid of this man immediately before he damages your son any more.

I can't get my head around having to break that kind of news to a child that young, but old enough to understand some if what it means.

I'm far from confident that I would manage to do it well.

Not that he should have done it, but perhaps he saw the op really struggling to put it into words and thought it better to just "get it out there".

I actually think it's a reasonable assumption that a man who chooses to be so cruel and insensitive to a small child who has just lost his much loved dad should get the fuck out of that Childs life and is not fit to be a stepfather.

Op, I'm so sorry for yours and your sons loss. Wishing both of you strength and peace. X

The boy had the right to hear the news in a gentle and loving way in privacy, from his own mum.

How's it going to pan out if the dp gets impatient with the ds grieving? Tell him to pull himself together if he sheds a tear at the furneral?

Change the subject if the dad is mentioned?

I don't know. I think however most people feel that the dp acted in a reprehensible way, and I would be concerned for the very delicate next few weeks if the dp is allowed to continue to behave in such a dismissive and cruel way. The boy needs people around him who will put his needs first and put their own feelings second.

OP I am very sorry for yours and your sons loss.

Obviously we don't what kind of relationship the current P has with the child. How long he has been in the child's life. How they get along on the whole.

Even if it was with the very best of intentions The fact remains though that until Friday that poor boy HAD a Father and I am sure as shit it was NOT this man's place to utter one word about it.

It isn't so much the OPs right to tell the news so much as the child's right to hear it from the only other parent he will ever have and the person who loves him most in the whole world. In her own bloody time.

I wonder if current partner is jealous of the grief that OP is showing for her ex, and is behaving in a totally unacceptable way because he's on uncertain ground himself.
I agree that it's impossible to judge the quality of someone's relationship over the net. but even if he's been a fantastic male figure in the DS's life, this will take some serious repair work and honesty if it is ever going to heal.
If, indeed, the relationship can be mended.

There are a lot of things that I wouldn't put up with that I read about on here but that is the worst and for me is a no brainer, you need to get rid of him.

He has shown no recognition of the fact that your child is a human being with feelings. If he can do that then what else will he be capable of in the future? I wouldn't risk a child's wellbeing in his hands.

I'm fuming along with you.

I'm sad to say that this week I too have had to tell my DS (11) that his dad (my ExP) has died.
I am angry on your behalf. When I had to let my DS know the news, my DH was fantstic. He gave us some time on our own then came into the room and gave my DS the biggest hug.
My DS is naturally devastated but the way my DH has behaved has made me so thankful that we have him in our life.
I'm so for you & your DS. It is such a hard situation but your DP really needs at the very least a good bollocking!
As an aside, I have found my DS school to be fantastic, they get alot of their resources from Winston's Wish. ~I hope your DS school will be equally as supportive.
I hope you get the support that you all need.
x

It's absolutely terrible he did this, now is not the time to deal with him about it. The most important thing is, is your DS, be there for him. Try to explain everything in a way he will understand about his dads death.

Maybe DP thought that kids are very resilient about these matters, But I also think he is a twat! I would have in my head, a note reading, 'See me later!'

This is terrible. Regardless of DP's feelings he should have seen that this was not on. I'd be furious too. This does not sound like the actions/words of a mature adult.

Here are 2 good books that we have been reading with DS
I Miss You by Pat Thomas and Michael Rosen's Sad Book both very good at explaining death to children.
Again, have a look at Winston's Wish website, lots of very useful things on there.

it's a horrible situation, but there is always a risk with delaying bad news that the child could have found out from another source. if it was 'all over local news' - then could have overheard it on TV/radio/ at school. Now that is truly horrible.

The turning back around to keep eating, isn't that just a man thing, where you talk 'around the edges'? So if you have something heavy to discuss you go out fishing or go out to work on the bike, and then chat side-by-side rather than face-to-face.

it would have been better if he had let the mum share the news, but maybe he was finding it difficult to 'keep a secret'. I have a friend who has terminal cancer. She chose not to tell her children she was ill for several months. It was none of my business, but also so awfully hard to be complicit in not expressing any extra sympathy and support for the kids involved (not to mention, worrying that they'd feel that secrets had been
Kept from them.

FWIW, if I had to break bad news, I wouldn't rush in with the big hugs and tears and high emotion. I would wait to see the Childs reaction, and take my cue from them, and what I perceived they needed most from me. It's a fairly common viewpoint that bereaved children need the rest of their lives to be reassuringly normal (to the point of denying the bereavement to their friends etc) .

Im so sorry for your wee boys loss, and you to.

I do have to agree that the way you are told matters - and I dont like reading that the thing that matters is the loss, and not the method. I lost my Gran as a teenager, whom I was extremely close to. I knew she wasnt well and my Mum was called to the nursing home, and anxiously waited for news. The phone went, and I answered it......only for someone to sya they were the "funeral director2 and could they discuss arranging the "funeral", I had no idea and asked whos funeral they were talking about....only to be told my Grans name. It was a cock up on the funeral companies part - my Mum was going to tell me when she returned home.

Now it hasnt ruined my life or anything like that but I cant think of my Gran without thinking of how I found out and yes my Mum was deprived of the right to tell me herself due to someones mistake.

And as for getting rid of DP....I would be very tempted as this sounds unbearbly cruel, how can someone - no matter what they are feeling about the death itself - be so matter of fact about it to a child whos lost a parent? I suppose it all depends on why - and the OPs instincts about DP, there is so much more background to take into consideration such as generally what the relationship OPs DP has with her wee boy.

And whilst I agree that heaping another loss on is not ideal, again it all depends on what the wee sould will be exposed to now - how supportive DP will be to him etc, or not. Personally (and Im only guessing as there is so little background info here) I think its entirely possible DP is possibly been jealous of exs DH and has other emotions behind his statement.

What struck me is the fact that he didn't consider it important to get OPs opinion or input about how he should be told. I can't really tell much about his intentions until I hear more about the tone in which he said what he did.

My first reaction was to think this was a cruel way of undermining OPs methods. Did he perhaps think that you were BU by delaying it and wanted to show you that by taking it into his own hands in front of you? I don't think OP leaving it until the evening was unreasonable, by the way.

Whatever kind of tone he meant to convey with his announcement is beside the point... he took something very sensitive into his own hands when he had no right to. It was not even his relative. Does he often throw his weight around like this?

Very sorry for your loss. My best wishes for the future x