to be fuming at DP?

[rereredsox]

Sorry, I know it's late but there's no way I'd be able to sleep with this on my mind.

My XP (and DS's dad) died on Thursday night. I was with XP for five years and we split when DS was two. DS is now seven and sees his dad every weekend/odd weekday that I'm working late, etc. I don't want to say too much about his death simply because it was reported quite heavily on our local radio/news and I don't want to be recognised.

I was in shock myself and couldn't find the words to tell DS so I was putting it off until Fri evening (I only found out on Fri morning). During dinner, current DP just turned to DS and said "X, your dad is dead" and carried on eating his food.

I have only just managed to get DS to sleep as he has been crying all night and am furious at DP. He is my son so I should have been the one to tell him, and not over the mince pie! Am so angry. Grrrr.

Although I guess once you get into this kind of "me too" agreeing with each other in a thread all sense goes out the window, with the clothes of the man who told a child his Dad was dead

Spidookly I rarely say this but how utterly condescending, rude and dismissive of other peoples opinions and experiences you are!! There is a huge strength of feeling against your opinion, much of which is based on personal experience. Does that not tell you something?

I agree with Spidookly.
There is not enough information in the OP to make assumptions about rereredsox's partner.

I think rereredsox needs to ask why he blurted this awful news out at the table. Who knows he may have lost a relative and been told in exactly the same way, so he may think it's ok. Or he may have done it as he thought, mistakingly, that he was saving his DP from having to find the words. we do not know.

Rereredsox needs to ask her partner why he did this, then act on the reason he gives.

I think repeating awful stories of how we were informed of relatives deaths, is doing nothing to help this awful situation.

I agree with Quicklookbusy, rereredsox will need to talk to her partner about why he did this in this way.

I have to tell people in work that they have lost loved ones and its one of the things that I am always very careful to think about how I would want to be told. We don't know anything about the OP's partner or his background. Some people just don't know how to handle loss or grief and become totally matter of fact to the point of freaky.

I hope that your son is ok rereredsox. He will need lots of support and now is not the time to be rushing into any decisions about your relationship with your partner even if he has acted like an arse. When the dust has settled try and talk to him about why he did this.

"Spidookly, he carried on eating his fecking dinner... is that the actions of someone who is trying to help his partner break bad news???"

Possibly, yes.

You weren't there. You've made up the "pass the salt" thing. The OP said nothing about the tone of the telling at all, so anything you say about that is pure invention.

"There is a huge strength of feeling against your opinion, much of which is based on personal experience. Does that not tell you something?"

It tells me what I knew already, that a lot of people can be wrong and that where the first few people to post on a thread are stupid and reactionary lots of other stupid reactionaries will stop by to make the same point only even more vociferously.

So the consensus on this thread is that this man is evil and needs to be kicked out of his home, regardless of the effect this might have on the child that is supposedly the cause of so much concern.

oh feck off Spidookly. How fucking immature to say that anyone who doesnt agree with you is stupid.

The OP is clearly concerned about the way her son was told. That is the whole point she is trying to make.

spidookly yopu have now shown yourself up for the smug prat you obviously are, we all have different opinions - and to automatically think people that have a different 1 from you are "stupid" - how condescending is that!

I am not "wrong" for being upset about the way I was told my Gran died, I know my feelings - you dont.

Does everyone not think, that by this stage in the thread, after we have all agreed that the DP is a fuckwit. It would be better to be offering the OP support and advice on how she is going to support her Son over the coming weeks?

I honestly have never seen so much bickering on mnet, even been dragged into it myself on some threads - but this is getting ridiculous.

A SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD HAS LOST HIS FATHER!!

My dh is a fabulous husband and great dad.

If he did this to my ds I would reconsider my marriage.

Ime the way you are told such information stays with you.

You are right softglow

My thoughts are with you and your DS rereredsox

Am so sorry for your DS's loss (and yours too). Also that your DP has behaved the way he has when you really needed his support. I'm not going to tell you to chuck him out, frankly thats reactionary rubbish. None of us know any of the background to your relationship or whether this was a one off.

Having said all that, reading the stuff on here has made me realise this isnt the place for me any more. What a horrible place Mnet is becoming.

Firstly can I just say how sorry I am that your son has lost his dad.

I can't imagine for a minute anyone would think this is an acceptable way to tell someone their father has died and I can't find anyway to excuse it or make allowances for blurting it out like that.

If you were to have posted on here asking for advice on how to break this to your son no one but no one would have said "just tell him in the middle of dinner then carry on eating so as not to make a big deal of it". so I can't imagine for a minute this came from a good intention in your DP.

I could not stay with someone who showed so little regard for my children's feelings.

Nobody does think it was an acceptable way to tell him.

The argument is about whether it is best for this boy to throw his step father out of the home immediately (optionally by making a massive scene involving defenestration of clothing) or hang fire on the relationship and concentrate in the bereaved child.

And yes, I think it would be deeply stupid (not to mention self-absorbed) to make the next few weeks about her relationship and how her son learnt of his father's death, rather than making the boy's grief her first consideration.

I have been excoriated here for not joining in the rabble calls to fuck this man out of his home with no consideration for how this will affect the boy.

Interesting self analysis of your own posts there Spidookly.

I said the OP should perhaps re-evaluate her future with this man. Very few have actually said that she should kick him out, but that she should consider if he is the right person for her.

By her own posts the OP is questioning this.

You have just been exceptionally thoughtless, you have attempted to belittle others who have shared their own experiences of what this little boy has faced, in a way to comfort the OP that she isnt being unreasonable in her feelings.

can you imagine the police going round to deliver a death message, and telling someone the news like that - knock on the door, sorry mrs but your husband is dead. Bye.

they would be strung up and rightly so

I hate threads where the OP does not return.

Anyway, sorry for your loss op. Agree with the majority, not a good sounding guy.

King maybe the OP hasn't returned because she is rather busy comforting a bereaved child

You know what spidookly I actually pity you. You clearly cannot engage in a rational adult discussion or feel empathy or acceptance of anyone else's point of view. In fact you have even missed the whole reason that people have been trying to get across to you...that that way you are told new of this nature has enormous significance for how you process, deal with and come to terms with your loss. NOTHING to do with whether the OP should book her partner out at all...that was very much as side issue

Worse than that I feel ashamed to have engaged with you at all and effectively hijacked what should have been a sensitive and supportive thread. I have inboxed the OP and hope she posts elsewhere where she might get more support and will now bow out

Is this still going on? Sits on fingers, tries to work out how to hide thread

kingazanzi But the OP was up at 5am when she started this thread and had been up all night. She is probably exhausted and having a very stressful upsetting time in RL so I don't think we should be surprised that she hasn't had the time or energy to carry on the thread just yet.

rereredsox - I hope you and your son are doing ok.

If I was the OP I wouldn't return either after the way some of the 'contributors' to this thread have replied.

OP, how's you little boy?