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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you need to actually teach a child to share

87 replies

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 07:57

Rather than just saying "share" to them and then carrying on talking?

I've namechanged so I'm not identified BTW. A couple of days ago I went to a friend's house with my little boy, who is 20 months. My friend has a little boy aged 3 and a half.

To cut a long story short, the entire time we were there, my friend's DS wouldn't let my DS play with or touch a single toy. Every thing he picked up or started playing with, my friend's DS would snatch it off him or push him over, shouting "NO, IT'S MIIIIIIIINE". So my DS ended up with nothing to play with. He went and found a little book and my friend's DS wouldn't let him have it either and hit him.

Now it didn't particularly bother my DS, and it wouldn't bother me either if my friend had IMO disciplined her son properly. All she said when he had these outbursts was "Share nicely boys" and then carried on talking. When my older children were little and going through the not sharing phase, I would actually have taken the toy off them and given it back to whoever had it first, and made them have some time out if they'd hit or screamed in the face of the other child.

I mean, "share" is just a word isn't it? Unless you actually physically show a child what sharing is, they don't learn or understand it. BTW this boy is like it round my house with my son's own toys, and if we go to playgroups etc too. If my DS goes on anything such as a trampoline or ride on he will be there screaming in his face and pushing him off. Just to add I do take things off him for my DS to play, wherever we are, if he won't let DS have anything "Can X play with this? He needs something to play with". But obviously I can't be too harsh with someone else's child.

It's putting me off my friend as we clearly don't share the same ideas about discipline, and I think why the heck should my son have to put up with that?

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/02/2011 08:01

Yes. I taught both of mine to share and about turn taking.

I had several toys that you took turns with and would sit on the floor with them and we'd take turns.

Also had things that they needed to either make eye contact with me or make a sound before I would do them - eg bubbles or letting down a balloon.

I don't know how well nt children pick up these things, but you have to actively teach children with autism.

It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to put that same work into nt children too.

TattyDevine · 02/02/2011 08:08

Christ, by 3 and a half (my son is 3 and a half, just) they should be sharing well, in fact they seem to prefer sharing and play games with turns etc. And hitting is not on by that age at all - that's something children your son's age might do! Not 3 and a half year olds. YANBU - if my son behaved like this he'd have to spend the afternoon in his bedroom.

Original poster

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 08:13

My thoughts exactly, Tatty. I was just so gobsmacked the other day that my friend didn't reprimand her son at all. And like you say, that sort of behaviour is something that would be expected from someone of my DS's age.

He kept saying "They're all MY toys" and she kept saying "Yes, of course they're all yours"

OP posts:

curlymama · 02/02/2011 08:18

Yanbu, children do need to be taught to share, and should really have grasped that concept by 3 and a half. They need to be taught to take turns, and be shown how to do that, or how to play with something together.

I don't believe in making children share everything they own though, I allow mine to have things that are special to them that they keep to themselves, because I wouldn't want to be forced to share evry single one of my possesions. But they are not allowed to do that with everything, and they know that they have to keep their special things in a certain place. If it's not there, or it's left lying around, it's fair game for the other one, or friends, to play with.

aPixie · 02/02/2011 08:18

I don't know if I'm actively teaching him to share but if my 21month old offers us a bit of his food etc or slams places one of his toys on his brothers belly I always make a point if saying 'thank-you X that's lovely sharing'. Or, at toddler group for instance, if he takes a toy from another child I'll ask him to give it back and tell him he can play with it once oher child has finished!

He seems to be doing ok with this.

I certainly wouldn't accept a 3yr old to be behaving like your friends little boy though.

aPixie · 02/02/2011 08:19

A few misplaced commas there I think but it's too early to care.

LadySanders · 02/02/2011 08:20

yes you do have to teach them, but you'll be amazed at the amount of parents who don't agree (i've seen a few of these threads in the past...)

Lamorna · 02/02/2011 08:35

Of course you need to teach them, it doesn't come naturally. Having siblings helps-they makes them share!

Original poster

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 08:38

Lamorna, it's odd because my friend's DS has 3 siblings; 2 older and one younger, so I'd have thought he'd share well based on that.

OP posts:

coldtits · 02/02/2011 08:45

YANBU and your friend is lazy./

coldtits · 02/02/2011 08:47

Although the sibling thing would make me think he'd be naturally more grabby .... children with an older sibling often are, it's known as "meeting your own interests before someone enormous comes and interferes!"

Ds1 was always great at sharing, absolutely awesome at it. On his last day of preschool he broke his gingerbread man in half and gave half to a crying little girl (who, to be fair, was crying for a gingerbread man after seeing ds1's)

greedychops · 02/02/2011 08:55

The only problem that I find though is that I sit and play with or near my ds (3.5) at toddler groups cause he is not the best sharer (although getting there) and does have tendency to hit. (Not lazy parenting by the way he has had terrible eczema for about a year and pretty severe allergies so hasn't had the normal 2.5 to 3.5 year and is only now returning to playing well with other children).

Anyway, my problem is when I tell ds that he can't take toys off people, and make him give them back, most of the other mums just sit and drink tea all morning, and so when their kids take toys off ds, I usually just have to let them if they don't return it with me asking them, so it's teaching ds slightly mixed messages, and sometimes I think it's a bit unfair on him.

Original poster

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 09:04

Coldtits, I do agree with this too, that 2nd and subsequent children are more grabby, and definitely more confident. Having said that, I haven't had any real problems with any of my 3 sharing, even DS is pretty good. Of course he has his hitting/biting/not sharing moments but on the whole he's pretty good.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 09:08

I have never taught my DD to share her toys, for the simple reason that I believe that her toys are her possessions and that she doesn't have to share them with anyone if she doesn't want to. I don't expect my friends to go rifling through my possessions when they come round to see me and I don't expect hers to either - and I really don't expect her to go rifling through her friends belongings when she goes round to play with them, unless she is invited to do so by the friends themselves.

However, when DD has friends round to play, she is generally very willing to share her toys with them because they are her friends and she wants to play with them.

Expecting littlies to share their toys with random children they haven't chosen is very wrong.

Vallhala · 02/02/2011 09:09

YANBU. I'd be inclined to ensure that I only saw this friend when she didn't have her son in tow or failing that, avoid her altogether. I don't like spoilt, nasty brats!

I suppose she's an improvement on my stepmother. Her theory, when her son was born, was "He doesn't have to share, they're HIS toys, why should he?".

She'd say this to the faces of mothers whose poor children had just been pushed or hit and had toys snatched off them by her PthirdB!

Then she'd wonder why no child wanted to play with hers and why she was being ostracised by the various childrens' clubs locally!

rubyrubyruby · 02/02/2011 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala · 02/02/2011 09:10

Bonsoir and I posted our extremely differing views within a second of each other.

Bonsoir... are you my stepmother?!

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 09:13

Vallhalla - I doubt it, since my DD never hits anyone and is extremely popular, probably because she doesn't invade other people's space!

Vallhala · 02/02/2011 09:16

Not so sure that#s entirely the reason, Bonsoir, given my experience of my stepmother and her son and that neither of my own two daughters ever hit people (except perhaps each other!) and yet both my girls were expected to share.

Maybe it's a combination of factors, no? I don't know.

I do know that my stepmother's boy was an extremely unpopular child for his refusal to share.

Original poster

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 09:17

Bonsoir, so what would you do if your DD had a friend round and decided that she didn't want to share any of her toys with them? Would you just let the friend sit there with nothing to play/do, or would you send them home?

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 09:18

My DD doesn't "refuse to share" - she shares quite willingly with her friends. I just would never expect her to share her possessions with strangers/children she hadn't chosen.

I think that respecting personal space (one's own as well as others') is a critical life lesson.

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 09:19

Awhiteelephant - it has never happened (and we have had many, many children round). But DD chooses her own friends.

Original poster

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 09:29

It clearly works well for you and your DD, Bonsoir, but I just think teaching your child that they don't have to share isn't a good idea in the longterm.

Years ago when my eldest DD was at preschool/1st school there was a girl who wouldn't share, and her mum had a similar view to yours, that she shouldn't have to share because they were her toys. The mum would invite various children round after school regularly, my daughter included, and all of them ended up hit, scratched, bitten and screamed at by this girl because she didn't want to share, and her mum didn't make her. As a consequence, by the time they all got to year 2 or 3, she had no friends at all at school, because she wouldn't share anything with anyone and wouldn't even let anyone touch her school bag or lunchbox, even if they were just moving them slightly to get to their peg or whatever. She was thought of a a bit odd and very selfish.

I realise that toys are only toys, but I think teaching your child to share their toys teaches a very important life lesson that they're not always more important than everyone else and that sometimes others need to come first too. It's about taking other peoples' feelings and needs into consideration too. I personally wouldn't be happy if a child came round my house and was left with nothing to play with because my child wouldn't let them touch anything. I would be embarrassed and just wouldn't allow my child to dominate like that.

OP posts:

Feegle · 02/02/2011 09:31

I think it depends on the child. I never "taught" mine to share, they always just did. I do think that children should always be allowed a few things that they don't have to share with others when the come and play. We would perhaps hide favorite teddy under the bedclothing etc if we knew that another child might home in on comfort objects. I don't share my stuff with my friends and would be horrified if they helped themselves to my clothing etc

loonyrationalist · 02/02/2011 09:31

I agree with Bonsoir that toys are the child's posessions. On having friends round it is up to DD1 to decide which toys to get out & share.

She knows from having a small sister that anything left out is fair game ;)

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