To think you need to actually teach a child to share

[Awhiteelephantintheroom]

Rather than just saying "share" to them and then carrying on talking?

I've namechanged so I'm not identified BTW. A couple of days ago I went to a friend's house with my little boy, who is 20 months. My friend has a little boy aged 3 and a half.

To cut a long story short, the entire time we were there, my friend's DS wouldn't let my DS play with or touch a single toy. Every thing he picked up or started playing with, my friend's DS would snatch it off him or push him over, shouting "NO, IT'S MIIIIIIIINE". So my DS ended up with nothing to play with. He went and found a little book and my friend's DS wouldn't let him have it either and hit him.

Now it didn't particularly bother my DS, and it wouldn't bother me either if my friend had IMO disciplined her son properly. All she said when he had these outbursts was "Share nicely boys" and then carried on talking. When my older children were little and going through the not sharing phase, I would actually have taken the toy off them and given it back to whoever had it first, and made them have some time out if they'd hit or screamed in the face of the other child.

I mean, "share" is just a word isn't it? Unless you actually physically show a child what sharing is, they don't learn or understand it. BTW this boy is like it round my house with my son's own toys, and if we go to playgroups etc too. If my DS goes on anything such as a trampoline or ride on he will be there screaming in his face and pushing him off. Just to add I do take things off him for my DS to play, wherever we are, if he won't let DS have anything "Can X play with this? He needs something to play with". But obviously I can't be too harsh with someone else's child.

It's putting me off my friend as we clearly don't share the same ideas about discipline, and I think why the heck should my son have to put up with that?

My DD has never scratched, bitten or screamed at anyone. That sounds a lot more of a problem to me than "not sharing". I don't think you are focusing on the right issue here!

I agree with teaching/modelling sharing. I do see a middle ground with sharing however, and if dd has something she really doesn't want to share I let her put it away before friend comes round. Tbh I think sharing is something they have to do more of when they are children and sometimes expectations are unreasonably high. More than those on adults. Think of your latest prized possession, car, phone, jewellery. As adults we have some things we expect to share, and others that you just don't. I'll lend stuff quite happily, but it's always my offer- no one makes me. That said, children need to learn to share to function but it is hard to learn. And it drives me mad to see very small children expected to pass on a toy when they've barely had chance to play with it. Mine have grown up with "x would like that when you've finished" and it's amazing how quickly they do finish given the info that someone else wants it. So yanbu, but just remember how tricky it is and give sharing children a bit of credit and those who find it tricky a bit of slack.

I agree. Also, i find some friends break things a lot. When those people come over we know to hide delicate toys.

I think it very important to teach children respect for possessions - their own and other people's. So no breaking/snatching etc. And any child who broke/snatched in my house would get short shrift!

I agree Bonsoir. Sadly, mine are older and play without my supervision these days. It is often after they have gone home that i discover they have eg removed the inside of dds cd player. This happened last week.

I feel secure that my DD won't be that child, Feegle, because I taught her that she doesn't have the right to "share" anyone else's possessions.

I also suspect she would come running to me if ever one of her friends started treating her possessions carelessly. Fortunately, so far she has chosen her friends well and they all treat her possessions and our home with respect.

Whiteelephant, next time you visit your friend, why don't you take a couple of your DS's most enticing toys with you? Both so that he has something to play with and so that you can say to the other child (when he wants to play with your DS's toys) that if he wants to your DS to share his toys, he must share his own.

I am a bit on the fence with this one. I do think children need to learn to share, but I'm not sure it's right to make them share all their toys, as somebody else pointed out, I wouldn't want to share all my possessions with someone who visited Equally, I don't think I could invite a child round and not leave he or she anything to play with, that seems a little mean! Thankfully I haven't had to deal with this yet, as DS is only 13 months, I'm not sure what the solution is really, other than letting them put special items away before people come round to visit. Of course, in places where the toys are communal, sharing must be taught, and I think this is actually an ideal place to teach them as no child owns anything, so that part isn't getting in the way of the sharing lesson.

The thing is though, this isn't what the OP is about. The mother of the 3yo clearly does feel that sharing is important, as she did keep telling him to share. But she wasn't showing him what she meant by sharing, so the message wasn't getting through. So in answer to the OP, YANBU, because in order for the 3yo to share with others, the mother should be showing him what she means, rather than just saying meaningless words from the other side of the room and hoping they'll mean something to him. Also, the hitting/pushing/snatching is not right, it doesn't matter what your stance on sharing, that behaviour shouldn't be tolerated.

Interesting take on the possessions point, you could be right.

What happens in a neutral setting though, say nursery or toddler groups, where the children don't actually own any of the items?

Bonsoir, I can't believe and don't understand that attitude - are you saying if another child came round and your DD did refuse to share you wouldn't step in? I know you say it hasn't happened, but what would you do if it did?

If a child comes round to play surely you have to give them things to play with? It's like, I dunno, you inviting a friend over to watch a film and then standing in front of the telly saying 'no, it's mine!!'.

Very weird attitude. Though I do agree that if the child has a special toy or if there is something that usually causes disagreements it should be hidden out of sight before other kids come round.

Whiteelephant, agree with previous poster that perhaps next time you should take some of his own toys round to play with.

putthekettleon - it's not going to happen because DD is now 6.2 and has had it engrained in her since she was 0 that personal boundaries and possessions are to be respected. This goes both ways, you know! And so she only chooses friends who respect boundaries and play nicely with her possessions when she chooses to invite them over.

ok, put it another way.... going by your theory, if my DD (who is clearly less perfect than yours ) has a friend round and suddenly starts saying 'no you can't play with that, it's mine' to every single toy, what would you advise me to do? Ignore it? Say to the other child 'it's DD's toy so you can't have it if she doesn't want you to?'

I just don't see how it would work as IME young children are prone to phases of 'MINE, MINE!' and need to be taught how to share.

I think little children are prone to shouting "mine, mine, mine" precisely because their personal boundaries are being invaded. Parents should take the cue to teach children than boundaries need to be respected.

Obviously, sharing at toddler groups is a bit different. Though personally I never understood why toddler groups need toys.

Ok but answer the question !!!! I am generally intrigued - what, in your opinion should a parent do in that situation? Let the visiting child have nothing to play with?

Finally, thank you!

And if the visiting child said 'I want to play with the toys'? And your DC said 'no they're mine'? Would you say 'no they are DC's toys, she doesn't have to share if she doesn't want to'. I imagine that would leave my DD in tears and we wouldn't be going to your house again!

I would probably do as ruby says - if the children are fighting, I would change the mood by organising and supervising some kind of joint activity like baking or drawing. Or I might take them to the playground or read them a story, or suggest they take the dolls on a picnic.

My DD really doesn't have an issue with other children playing with her toys because she takes the lead - she knows how to be a good hostess because she chooses who she wants to invite.

It's no good IMO to impose visitors on your children and to expect your children to share their possessions with children they do not know or particularly like. Asking for trouble.

Bonsoir, I think at your DD's age it's different, she's old enough to choose friends, but for toddlers they don't really have special friends yet, they generally just mix with the kids of people you know.

Interesting that I would also probably do a similar thing if the kids were fighting. But I would also expect my DD to share most of her toys. If a particular toy was being fought over I would suggest taking turns, if that doesn't work then the toy gets put away and noone gets to play with it. And if DD was being bratty and refusing to let the other child play with anything it would be naughty step!

See, I've never done "naughty step". My DD gets exclusion punishments (basically being sent to her room) if she is intolerable, but threats of exclusion normally work pretty well.

When my DD was little she didn't play much at the homes of children her age - she mostly played with her brothers, or at the park/playground. She went to school at 2.10 and never had any trouble there.

It used to really piss me off at toddler group when a child would snatch something from DS and their parent wouldn't correct them. He would look so bewildered, as he knew it wasn't a nice thing to do, as I'd told him so.

He also had a habit of hogging a particular toy, so I would make sure he took turns.

I don't know if I did the right thing, but now, when we have someone over, he happily shares everything and I suppose he expects the same when he visits his friends.

That isn't to say he doesn't respect their things, I have always reminded him that the toys belong to so and so and that he must treat them carefully.

I find it funny that some of you are talking about invading personal boundaries, hence children shouting "mine mine".

We were invited to my friend's house, toys were out in the sitting room for the children to play with, my DS didn't go in the child's bedroom, nor did he play with any of the child's comforters or clothes (none were out in the sitting room).

How is this an invasion of personal boundaries? Should I have told my DS "No, this is X's house, sit on my knee and don't touch anything as they are all X's house"? If I invite someone round then I allow their children to play with whatever toys we have got out. Anything really special is put upstairs so it cannot be played with by the visiting child. I can't see how my son invaded this child's boundaries by being invited round and invited to sit in a room full of toys.

Doh meant "they are all X's toys" not house

And who had chosen the toys that were out? The child or the parent?