Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you need to actually teach a child to share

87 replies

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 07:57

Rather than just saying "share" to them and then carrying on talking?

I've namechanged so I'm not identified BTW. A couple of days ago I went to a friend's house with my little boy, who is 20 months. My friend has a little boy aged 3 and a half.

To cut a long story short, the entire time we were there, my friend's DS wouldn't let my DS play with or touch a single toy. Every thing he picked up or started playing with, my friend's DS would snatch it off him or push him over, shouting "NO, IT'S MIIIIIIIINE". So my DS ended up with nothing to play with. He went and found a little book and my friend's DS wouldn't let him have it either and hit him.

Now it didn't particularly bother my DS, and it wouldn't bother me either if my friend had IMO disciplined her son properly. All she said when he had these outbursts was "Share nicely boys" and then carried on talking. When my older children were little and going through the not sharing phase, I would actually have taken the toy off them and given it back to whoever had it first, and made them have some time out if they'd hit or screamed in the face of the other child.

I mean, "share" is just a word isn't it? Unless you actually physically show a child what sharing is, they don't learn or understand it. BTW this boy is like it round my house with my son's own toys, and if we go to playgroups etc too. If my DS goes on anything such as a trampoline or ride on he will be there screaming in his face and pushing him off. Just to add I do take things off him for my DS to play, wherever we are, if he won't let DS have anything "Can X play with this? He needs something to play with". But obviously I can't be too harsh with someone else's child.

It's putting me off my friend as we clearly don't share the same ideas about discipline, and I think why the heck should my son have to put up with that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 11:51

I don't know, Bonsoir. They were out ready to play with when we arrived.

OP posts:
Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 11:53

Bonsoir, just to add with regards to the biting, hitting etc, this was because the girl had never been told by her parents that she had to share anything. Hence she got very aggressive if anyone wanted to touch anything of hers. I think the issue is relevant to the not sharing, because like I said before, sharing is not just about the items themselves, but about teaching children to be kind and considerate to others.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 11:56

It sounds more to me as if this child had had a pretty rotten example in every way - no child I know hits or bites or shouts at all. I don't think that you can isolate "not sharing" as the root cause.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 11:59

I think it was a case of her being allowed to do what she wanted and treat people as she pleased, so yes, you're right, not sharing probably wasn't the root cause. However I don't think it helped things, but in conjunction with a whole range of other issues really.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 12:05

I try to instill pretty firm personal boundaries with my children, and one of the reasons is that my DSSs were not brought up with firm personal boundaries and I really needed to keep this in check when DD was little so that her space didn't get invaded. DSS1 was the real culprit - he was a real "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" child, and DSS2 had suffered hugely from that.

Interestingly, all the children have strong concepts of personal boundaries in our home, but DSS1 can still quite easily invade others' space at his mother's home. Which just shows that the prevailing ethos really influences children! I know it frustrates DSS1's mother that she knows that DSS1 would never dare try on things in our home that he tries on with her, because apparently she tells him!

bumblingbovine · 02/02/2011 12:06

Please can I go to this wonderful place that you live? I'd have to leave my 6 year old ds (and a good number of his friends) behind though as they really wouldn't fit in.
I could probably take a few of the better behaved boys and most of the girls in his class though.

Bonsoir's posts always make me feel like I live in a parallel universe.

Interstingly ds generally shares incredibly well in his house/on his territory and always has but school and nursery the sharing and turn taking have been a much more difficult struggle.

I have always allowed him to put his favourite toys away though and he has always been a sociable child who likes to have friends over so tends to priorotise playing with the child over playing with his own toys IYSWIM.

In fact he often complains that some of the boys who come over (less of a problem with the girls) just want to play with his toys and ignore him.

I have to say that ds does this a bit himself if he visits a new friend at their house. He tend to be overwhelmed with the new stuff around and gets absorbed in that rather than playing with the other child as much.

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 12:09

bumblingbovine - I should have said that I was excluding siblings from that. All my children shout and fight (together) - though no biting.

I meant children who were not related - I don't know any who would hit/shout/bite unrelated children.

stillfrazzled · 02/02/2011 12:11

Out of interest, to those of you who don't teach your children to share if they don't want to:

I appreciate that they choose to share with their friends (especially Bonsoir's DD), but what happens with visitors who just happen to be kids?

We have plenty of friends with small children who live some distance away and come to visit for weekends etc. DS1 generally gets on well with the children and shares his toys with them (after years of my insisting on it), but you couldn't call them his friends as such because he hasn't chosen them or doesn't know them well.

WWYD in that situation, if your child refused to share?

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 12:15

stillfrazzled - we rarely have other families to stay whose DCs DD doesn't know. On the occasions it does, DD has been remarkably kind and generous with her toys and space to the other DCs but I wouldn't test her patience by expecting it too often!

I am generally very tolerant of DCs running around, building dens, squealing with joy etc so maybe by not expecting them to sit down quietly with toys I manage the issue differently?

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 12:18

Perhaps then Bonsoir because your DD is well behaved and good at sharing, you've never had the issue to deal with regarding sharing?

What would you do if you went to a friend's house and their child wouldn't let your DD play with anything? Would you keep the same views then or would you be put out if your DD had nothing to play with?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 12:20

Again, it's not what happens IME. DD goes on most playdates alone now, to friends who have invited her not me, and they seem to get on fine.

Occasionally we go over to a friend of mine who has two boys, not the same age as DD. Her elder son is very badly behaved but I leave my friend to deal with it unless the boy becomes physically violent with me or DD, in which case I tell him not to touch.

stillfrazzled · 02/02/2011 12:20

Fair enough - although what is this 'sitting down quietly with toys' of which you speak? It sounds v civilised. Grin

DS's games seem to involve an unholy amount of running round, shouting and so on with said toys clutched in grubby mitts/hidden under duvet tents/making plans to jump on the beds (one thing I do veto, with his lack of physical grace it always ends in tears).

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 12:21

Awhitelephant - I have had to deal with this issue though - see my post below about my DSSs. I had a lot of stuff to deal with!

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 12:22

I allow children to jump on our bed Blush - though not on DD's, as it is narrow and near hard surfaces.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 12:22

So what would you do if it did happen, Bonsoir? Would you maintain your current opinion if your child was on the receiving end of a child not sharing anything with her?

With regards to sitting down quietly, no one was expecting the children to do that at my friend's house; there were a number of ride on toys etc. Unfortunately my DS wasn't allowed to go on any as my friend's son pushed him off them all.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 12:24

Awhiteelephant - I am quite sure that if DD was on the receiving end of another child not sharing anything with her that that child would be knocked out of our social circuit! There are sufficient (indeed, huge) numbers of delightful children in our entourage for us to afford to exclude unpleasant ones!

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 12:27

Lol, I am thinking that the former might have to be the route I take.....

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 12:30

I know that DD and I are exceptionally lucky to be in the social context we are - a huge school full of delightful parents and children - more nice people than you can ever really get to know! DD is forever asking why we can't have so-and-so back to play, but she is so busy with playdates and outings already that it is just a question of time, or rather not enough of it.

But if you have enough nice friends already, don't bother with the people whose behaviour you don't like!

vess · 02/02/2011 12:31

You HAVE to share if you have a guest imo, it is part of good hospitality and something kids have to learn. Well, my kids at least. I tell them before the guest child comes that so and so is a guest and they need to make them feel welcome and give them toys to play with. If there is anything they don't want to share, we put it away beforehand.
On neutral teritory it is up to decide weather they want to share or not.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/02/2011 12:34

Vess, with regards to neutral territory, I don't really understand why they shouldn't be made to share there? If it's a toddler group for example, do you think it's okay for a child to take toys off all the other children? Or to scream and push children off ride-on toys etc? I would say in a setting like that it's even more important for a child to share as the toys aren't theirs in the first place to dictate who plays with them.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 12:36

I think, in a neutral setting, that children must be taught to ask nicely if they want to play with a toy that another child is already playing with, and to learn to wait their turn. Same thing goes for the playground - I will happily tell another child to get in line for the ladder for the climbing frame/slide and not push in.

vess · 02/02/2011 12:50

Re neutral territory - I meant they don't have to give up something they are playing with because someone else wants it. Of course it's not ok to scream and push and snatch. I just don't call that 'sharing' because they are not your toys to begin with - that's more taking turns.

Stillchuckingit · 02/02/2011 13:28

Bonsoir though

Like Stillfrazzled said, I'm not sure life is always that perfect or 'controllable' though.

We often have visitors who are friends of dh and I who come with "dc attached" (as opposed to dd's 'chosen' friends). DD doesn't know them particularly well but I still insist she is a 'good hostess' and shares.

Surely, that is how life pans out as one grows up? It's good to learn to be be kind and tolerate others - and look at things from other people's point of view - even if you don't know or like them much or you haven't chosen to be in that particular situation.

So as an adult - no I perhaps wouldn't want to share my most precious possessions with strangers - but equally, I am often in a position where I have to share my home with them or put myself out for someone when I'm not necessarily feeling very sociable. Surely it's all part of the same continuum?

I agree it isn't really the preferable "voluntary and genuine sharing from the heart" if the sharing is forced upon the child by the parent, but one has to lead by example and at the beginning teach "tolerating" things - so a child can - to an extent - mask their displeasure and act with good grace.

I'm old fashioned though. Perhaps that is deemed psychologically unacceptable nowadays!

5Foot5 · 02/02/2011 13:28

Bonsoir But what about this behaviour also described by the OP?

"BTW this boy is like it round my house with my son's own toys, and if we go to playgroups etc too. If my DS goes on anything such as a trampoline or ride on he will be there screaming in his face and pushing him off."

Clearly this isn't a case of this boy not wanting to share his own things but also not wanting to share anything. How much of this behaviour could be attributed to the fact that he hasn't been encouraged to share his own things I wonder?

Stillchuckingit · 02/02/2011 13:30

Gosh, that was a terrible post in terms of grammar - rushing as ever - hope you catch my drift though!