To think you need to actually teach a child to share

[Awhiteelephantintheroom]

Rather than just saying "share" to them and then carrying on talking?

I've namechanged so I'm not identified BTW. A couple of days ago I went to a friend's house with my little boy, who is 20 months. My friend has a little boy aged 3 and a half.

To cut a long story short, the entire time we were there, my friend's DS wouldn't let my DS play with or touch a single toy. Every thing he picked up or started playing with, my friend's DS would snatch it off him or push him over, shouting "NO, IT'S MIIIIIIIINE". So my DS ended up with nothing to play with. He went and found a little book and my friend's DS wouldn't let him have it either and hit him.

Now it didn't particularly bother my DS, and it wouldn't bother me either if my friend had IMO disciplined her son properly. All she said when he had these outbursts was "Share nicely boys" and then carried on talking. When my older children were little and going through the not sharing phase, I would actually have taken the toy off them and given it back to whoever had it first, and made them have some time out if they'd hit or screamed in the face of the other child.

I mean, "share" is just a word isn't it? Unless you actually physically show a child what sharing is, they don't learn or understand it. BTW this boy is like it round my house with my son's own toys, and if we go to playgroups etc too. If my DS goes on anything such as a trampoline or ride on he will be there screaming in his face and pushing him off. Just to add I do take things off him for my DS to play, wherever we are, if he won't let DS have anything "Can X play with this? He needs something to play with". But obviously I can't be too harsh with someone else's child.

It's putting me off my friend as we clearly don't share the same ideas about discipline, and I think why the heck should my son have to put up with that?

I totally agree with all you've said, Stillchuckingit.

I feel that if her son had more boundaries at home and was disciplined by my friend and her DP, he would be better behaved overall wherever he goes.

What annoys me too is my friend tries to make out it's both of them "Boys, share nicely" rather than acknowledging that her son is hitting a toddler less than half his age and reprimanding him accordingly. He really thumped DS hard several times the other day but she just doesn't do anything when he hits.

my ds was taught to share quite easily as he has another older sibling at home. Simply everytime he had a biscuit I would say what about and he would take one. is the same and she wont even go into a shop with me and choose something for herself without saying what about ds?

It is an easy simple start into thinking of others.

THERE ARE some toys that are out of bounds with him though. ie. a couple of cuddlies and some Ben 10 stuff. These I just plainly remove out of sight to avoid confrontation.

IF my ds hits out at all I plainly remove him from the room and put him to sit with me

OP if I were you I'd be meeting my friend without the children. YANBU. I agree it's important to teach children to share (without helicoptering over them constantly) and I would never let my dd (2.9 yrs) behave the way your friend's ds is behaving. It's not great for your ds to be hit all the time like that as it might make him too wary of other children in general or more likely to hit out himself.

I have friends who think that the children should be left to sort it out for themselves and should learn to defend themselves, but I don't agree with that at such a young age. I think they need to be taught or distracted when they are toddlers. Funny how among those I know, it's the ones with the toddlers who snatch and hit who think they should be left to it...

I do agree that special toys should be put away when friends are coming over, but others should be shared. I always remind dd that when she goes to her friends' houses, they share their toys and she has a lot of fun.

I was at an adult party once where the host had kindly provided a table to one side full of craft materials for all the dc to congregate around and share (pots of crayons in a line down the centre) - paper at every chair. Loads of space.

When I sat down with dd (she was only 2.5 at the time) to settle her in, I pulled a pot of crayons towards us which no one seemed to be using and which I assumed were one of the 'communal' pots. A little boy next to us (about 8 yrs) shouted very loudly and rudely in front of all the other adults and children "don't touch those, they are mine!"

Of course (ignoring his tone of voice) I apologised profusely (thinking he had brought his own crayons) and said I'd made a mistake because I assumed they were the ones for communal use. He replied again in a really rude tone "they are, but I am using them"

I didn't say anything at this point and turned to his father, expecting him to say "now that's not very kind "Jimmy", we all must try and share" or something similar.

Like heck he did!! I was gobsmacked to see the father smile and say "good boy Jimmy" like he was proud of his child for sticking up for himself!!

Unbelieveable!! Sorry for essay. Just had to share that. As you can tell, it still rankles to this day!!

Awhiteelephant your friend doesn't reprimand her ds when he hits yours?? That's inexcusable.

No, she just says "Play nicely,boys" or doesn't say anything at all. Her DS has sent mine flying many a time, pushing ride-on toys over with him on them etc and she just says nothing and carries on chatting.

Is she a good friend? I think I would have to gently start reprimanding her son, it might shame her into saying something. So, if he hits your DS again, just say '

If your child is being pushed off toys, you could say to your child, so that they can all hear, 'ds, you can tell xx if you don't like it when he does that, you can say' I don't like that because it hurts''.

Use it as an opportunity to teach your ds how to stick up for himself, sometimes children need to be given the words to use in situations like this. Nobody could reasonably object to you saying that to your son.

We do things like that at nursery, it's always better to try and get the children to say things to eachother, rather than saying it on their behalf. It also has the benefit of giving the 'victim' the attention and eye contact, rather than the purpetrator, and they often resond much better that way.

Putthekettleon, I think I'm going to have to start saying those type of things to get the point across to her DS.

Curlymama, the only problem with that is my DS is only 20 months so doesn't talk fluently enough yet to say those things. He does go back again and again to get items my friend's DS has snatched off him though, and he doesn't seem to get upset about it all, I think it's worse for me watching.

I agree OP

I actually take the toy back off my DS otherwise its just a word with no consequence