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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be livid with PIL?

123 replies

worriedmoo · 01/02/2011 21:50

My PIL very kindly agrred to travel 4 hours from their home to care for my children or so I thought....

I have a serious dose of hand,foot and mouth (yes it normally is short - lived and mild but I have had in for nearly two weeks and blsiters are still appearing) I am a lot of pain.

My DH is working away tuesday til friday. DH rang inlaws and asked them if they could come and mind DCs (x3) and I would stay in a hotel so that I can have a complete break and re-coup.

Just tp put things into perspective, PIL idea of help when I am ill is leaving me with baby and sorting out my 9 and 6 year old while they clean random things, iron underwear etc Don't get me wrong I do think mostly they are trying to help.

Anyway MIL and FIL arrive and I was planning to head straight off. MIL starts by saying that I could sleep in 1 of DD's beds and she can sleep on a matress on the floor, all very well but I won't get any peace. Then she says h will DD2 be ok if you go, giving me the knowing look, then asks if baby will be ok then when none of that is working tells me that DD3 has blsiters on her bottom (implying she is getting what I have) swiftly followed by I'll look later, so I pull DDs nappy down and low and behold no blister, no spots!!! [angry}

AIBU to be annoyed that PIL agreed to mind my DC while recouperate in a hotel and then went back on it??

OP posts:

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 02/02/2011 12:17

I also think her DH is getting off lightly, if things are so bad he should be on leave, whether that be annual / parental and home looking after his trouble and strife and bin lids... He sounds a prize too

Ormirian · 02/02/2011 12:21

They are having second thoughts. It's a bit daunting for them perhaps.

disappearhere · 02/02/2011 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

bamboobutton · 02/02/2011 12:49

i don't get why op is getting such a hard time.

PILs knew, and agreed to, the arrangement before they left - op in hotel, they look after the kids - then reneged when they got there.

that would really piss me off too. i hate promise breakers.

PILs should have said something before they left if they weren't happy with the arrangement.

curlymama · 02/02/2011 13:35

How do we know that they 'promised' though? OP didn't even speak to the IL's herself. Her DH could have said that she needed help and might go to a hotel if she starts to feel really bad. Pil's turn up, see OP raring to go with a suitcase, and see that she can't actually be that ill.

Maybe they thought she would go the next morning after she had been through the bedtime and morning routine with them. Maybe, God forbid, they thought that them being ther to help with the running around would be enough.

I doubt they would have bothered to try and help if they knew OP really didn't want to be in the same house as them and wouldn't be able to relax with them around.

There is no excuse for an attitude like the OP's.

bubblewrapped · 02/02/2011 13:39

The OP didnt communicate with her PIL.

She moaned and probably begged her husband to abandon his job to come home and he worked out another solution.

Sounds to me like the PIL are regularly called upon to turn up when the Op is ill, unlike the rest of us mere mortals who just struggle through and get on with it.

Maybe they kindly thought that the Op would be a bit lonely in a hotel all on her own, and they would be happy to help AND look after her too..... god damn them for being caring eh!

Viking75 · 02/02/2011 13:52

OMG..sorry, yes so unreasonable!! Neither of us have parents on the UK mainland so NEVER get a break and have to juggle everything (both have demanding professional jobs) incl. all emergencies between us. That has even meant not being able to visit each other in hospital due to logistics of visiting hours + young children, to having to take our children to meetings at work because we have no flexibility at all having no family support!! You just have to get on with it I'm afraid.

clevercloggs · 02/02/2011 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Lulumaam · 02/02/2011 14:15

the only bit that is making me stop from splurging out a great big WTF>!>!>! is the OP saying she's on the edge of coping and I am wondering if this is symptomatic of a deeper issue and she needs some more help, is possibly suffering a little with PND and this is a good way to take some time out...

if not, then i will say WTF?? checking into a hotel when you're sick and complaining the in laws are not being nice enough.

and a bit mean to expose everyone in the hotel to your illness too

starfishmummy · 02/02/2011 14:36

YABU
Consider yourself lucky that there is someone who will help - even if it is not the sort of help you want. SOme of us (many of us) would just have to get on with it as best as we could.
You seem to be well enough to come on here....

thunderbird69 · 02/02/2011 14:47

I really can't believe the abuse the OP is receiving. I'm not going to judge her or add my own interpretation of the events.

But I do have to say - admitting that you need help and asking for it is not a weakness. In the same way that struggling on with no help is not a strength.

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2011 14:53

I love the way you say you're not going to judge or interpret thunderbird, right before you go on to interpret the OPs posts and judge the posters flaming her

thunderbird69 · 02/02/2011 15:02

I was not doing that at all. My comment was aimed at the OP as a form of support.

I apologise that I did not state 'in my experience' at the start of it - obviously what I have said is not 'fact'.

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2011 15:08

Oh OK, my mistake thunder.

fannybaws · 02/02/2011 15:29

Amazing, I can't believe this thread is still so full of negativity. The OP is unwell and has been for two weeks, she has children that need someone to look after them, the fit and healthy grandparents have stepped in. She has gone to a hotel for some peace ( not to lick the other guests and infect them) Is it really front page news...... mother ill.......mother gets help......

AllGoodNamesGone · 02/02/2011 15:32

I too am amazed at the level of hostility directed at the OP.

OK, the word "livid" was a bit strong but I get the impression she is at the end of her tether and in a lot of pain. The grandparents have offered to come and help and she knows the only way this will actually be "help" is if she removes herself from the situation and lets them get on with it.

She says she is grateful.

However, it's not really "help" if you end up more stressed by constantly having to explain what needs doing and end up doing most of it yourself, and cannot even sneak off to bed because the "helpers" have your room and you are in with the children but, hey, at least your underwear gets ironed!

If the grandparents had said upfront that they didn't want to be left alone with the children, she would, by the sound of it, have told them not to come and carried on by herself, or her DH would have stayed at home (actually I think he should come home anyway - if it was him who was ill, he would have had to take the time off - can a SAHM not be ill?)

I am sure I would find it hard work to step in and care for three children but I would manage if my DD or future DIL needed. And I'd be happy to do it. There are two adults to care for three children - two in school all day - after all, it's perfectly doable.

Of course, there are plenty of people who have no help at all and just have to get on with it (and some eventually collapse completely) but does that mean that noone else can be allowed to ask for help when they do have it available?

A few days proper rest might be just what the OP needs to shake off the illness and get back on her feet.

olderandwider · 02/02/2011 18:22

Sorry, but 2 GPs in their 50s, asked for help by their DS and agreeing, should be able to cope for a couple of days with their 3 GC when asked.

My GPs used to look after me and DB when we were pretty small (3 and 5 and onwards)for a week every year when my DPs were on holiday. The GPs were fit and in their 60s and we all managed fine.

I know OP has 3 children, but still, a couple of days...

OP sounded frustrated rather than ungrateful. People who agree to help and then appear to want to bail on you are frustrating.

As for not taking mobile phone - hotels have phones.

MissyMorrison87 · 02/02/2011 18:37

YABVVVVU!!!

Firstly hand, foot and mouth is a skin condition NOT a flu virus or anything that renders you unable to funtion normally. And DON'T dare telll me i don't know what im talking about. Its 2 years ive had it now and yes at times it is horrible, itchy and oozes. But i still go to work and function like a normal member of society.

MissyMorrison87 · 02/02/2011 18:41

Oh and secondly they offered to do you a favour. Why when someone offers a favour does it suddenly become the right of the receiving person??

I stopped offering a certain friend things (she helped me move house off her own back and i said i'd pay her some petrol money out of courtesy - que her pestering me for "her money" for weeks) i find it completely rude and unreasonable

Megatron · 02/02/2011 18:53

I feel embarrassed for the OP. I hope when she's feeling better she realises how ridiculous she is being. She sounds like a petulant child rather than an adult with children. Mortifying.

SauvignonBlanche · 02/02/2011 18:59

Bloody hell!!

YABVU

kittybuttoon · 02/02/2011 19:00

Sorry OP is poorly, but she's hardly in extremis, is she?

Maybe PILs changed their minds when they realised, when they arrived, that she's not half as ill as they they'd been led to believe.

Remember the story of 'crying wolf' Princess OP. When you REALLY need someone to help you out, maybe they won't come running next time.

Pheebe · 02/02/2011 19:49

I was going to post this: PMSL...you have seriously gone to hotel for a week to 'recuperate' God, I the times I wish I'd been able to do that. YABU and ungrateful.

However, lulumamas post gave me pause and I also wonder whether this is symptomatic of something deeper (PND possibly).

Sadly the OP is unlikely to return but I do hope she feels better soon and finds the strength to examine her motives and emotions over this

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