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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in not wanting grandparents to share baby's first birthday?

32 replies

OutOfRosenheim · 01/02/2011 12:16

Our little one turns one soon, and both sets of grandparents live abroad. We had mentioned the idea of spending the 1st birthday with all of them, but the closer it gets, the more we dread the set-up. Previous visits have left us exhausted as they all try and make up for the fact that they don't see their grandchild very often and totally ignore our requests for occasional calm/ nap times/ etc.
We feel that we would be doing this for them, while our little family would not enjoy an extended weekend with all four of them as much as they would. Are we unreasonable to cancel 8 weeks in advance or should we do this for our parents (who may not be around forever, after all) and as a nice memory (if only in photos) for our baby?

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 01/02/2011 12:18

YABU if the GP's have been looking forwards to this and especially if they have booked tickets etc.

Flyonthewindscreen · 01/02/2011 12:20

YABU, how gutted would you feel in 30 years time, if your first DGC was having his/her 1st birthday, you lived abroad but were making the effort to go and visit for the weekend and then your DC cancelled because it would "be too exhausting" and they wanted to spend it just as "their own little family"?

hifi · 01/02/2011 12:20

ffs its only a first birthday. why not take advantage of the attention from then and you and your partner spend some time together?

BluddyMoFo · 01/02/2011 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mutznutz · 01/02/2011 12:23

Oh FFS just suck it up and let them enjoy their Grandchild!

You wont die of exhaustion and the baby will return to a normal routine afterwards.

TotemPole · 01/02/2011 12:23

You and your OH need to be more asssertive with the GPs regarding routine and naps.

YABU, re cancelling.

blondepinhead · 01/02/2011 12:25

YABU. Sorry (I hate telling people that!).

I do know how you feel, but you've already floated the idea and there's no way of taking it back without hurting them. You just need to sit down with your DP/H and work out a strategy to cope with the issues.

FWIW, my pil's get a bit full-on when they see our dd, and I think nothing of scooping her up and saying "Nap time!" when I think she's reached the over-tired stage. They used to protest but now I think they've realised she's much happier when she's had a nap, and nobody wants to play with a cranky baby. They're brilliant with her anyway, so I just sit back and enjoy watching them play with her.

bubblewrapped · 01/02/2011 12:25

These are also your own parents too. Do you not want to see them?

How will you feel if 25 years down the line, your own child makes you feel that they dont want to see you, and excludes you from seeing your grandchild.

TotemPole · 01/02/2011 12:25

A one year old is awake enough for the grandparents to spend some time without upsetting the routine too much.

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/02/2011 12:26

Why would the only nice thing for your baby be photos? I think getting to know their grandparents early on is a wonderful thing. I don't think you can cancel now, but perhaps try to make it as relaxed as possible for you (e.g. get takeaways, keep to your usual routine in a slightly more assertive way). But having hyped up the birthday and the visit, you can't back out now, and I don't really get why you would want to, as others have said, take the opportunity to have a night out just the two of you and celebrate surviving a whole year as new parents!

Sarsaparilllla · 01/02/2011 12:26

Very unreasonable to cancel now, they'll have made travel plans, booked tickets, be looking forward to it!

I agree with TotemPole, be more assertive about naps etc or just live with it for a couple of days, maybe ask so you can have some time for yourselves as well?

thefurryone · 01/02/2011 12:27

YABU I live in a different country to my Mum and can find her visits a bit trying occassionally but I know when this DC comes along I'm going to have to suck it up and accept that she'll be visiting more often. I totally adored all of my grandparents and am very thankful that they were all in my life, particularly now that they are no longer here. I truly hope that my children go on to have the same relationship with all of their GPs.

mutznutz · 01/02/2011 12:27

I used to sit back and enjoy the break when mine were being passed round the visiting Grandparents. Just grabbing my coat (instead of baby coat, pram, blankets, etc) and saying "Just nipping over the shop...back soon" was a sheer joy in itself.

skaen · 01/02/2011 12:28

Yes YABU. If your baby needs to nap, why can't you wrap it up and go out with the pram and have a coffee somewhere if you need to get out of the house and let the baby sleep.

TeenageWildlife · 01/02/2011 12:29

Now my children are older and some of the grandparents have died - I can tell you that every photo they have with them, every day spent is precious. You will only remember the good parts. You can make 5 people very happy. Suck it up. VVVU.

yogididabooboo · 01/02/2011 12:30

YABVU.

And a little selfish.
One weekend will not a routine make

KnittedBreast · 01/02/2011 12:32

yanbu. why dont you bring the little one over in the summer and they can take him or her out for the day to the beach of whatever?

and spend some quality along time with their ggrandchild

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 01/02/2011 12:33

Yabu, it'll be worth the hassle completely

NestaFiesta · 01/02/2011 12:33

YABU. What thefurryone said. Works both ways. I loved and miss my GPs. You don't get them for long in this life. Its only one weekend.

Besides,if I have to have my crazy MIL at all my DCs birthdays then you all have to suffer too! Seriously, whether I like MIL staying or not, I respect that they are her GCs and they seem to like her.

TotemPole · 01/02/2011 12:34

why can't you wrap it up and go out with the pram and have a coffee somewhere if you need to get out of the house and let the baby sleep.

Or let the GPs take the baby out for a walk while sleeping. That also gives the OP & OH a break.

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/02/2011 12:36

I do think it's ok to be assertive, though, if you see your child getting tired or hungry. My PIL think we are mad putting the children to bed at 7/8pm as in their culture children go to bed later and nap more in the day. But we just stuck to our original plans, as it suited us and our two girls, as we found they didn't sit placidly round til 11pm like the local children, but got tired and hysterical.

So, don't disinvite them, but do have a few simple (but not rigid) things you'd like to stick to if it makes the whole thing a bit more relaxing for you (e.g. I would stick to sleeping myself, but not worry about food or presents or anything else that weekend).

GloriaSmut · 01/02/2011 12:37

YABU.

I'm not a smothering grandma but I'd be so upset if my ds and ddil wanted to exclude me from seeing my dgd on her first birthday for no better reason than her nap might get disturbed.

My own mother and MIL lived miles away too and while my MIL could be trying, it never occurred to me to keep her away from her grandchildren on important days. These are precious moments, don't be so precious as to deny them to your child's grandparents. They won't be around for ever.

Inertia · 01/02/2011 12:37

If you hadn't already suggested it then fair enough. But now that you have, I think it would be mean to retract the offer, for some fairly nebulous reasons.

You need to just be firmer about nap times if you can see that your baby needs the sleep, and enlist the DGP's help as much as possible rather than waiting on everybody hand and foot. I'm sure they'd all rather lend a hand around the house, or with baby care, than miss out on seeing you all.

KangarooCaught · 01/02/2011 12:38

YABU, it's the thought of it that is worse than the reality ime. PFB will love it & will make their birthday really special. Take lots of photos. Be assertive about whisking away for a nap. We used to be anal about routines for pfb & at the time it felt like a BIG THING to have it disrupted but embrace the positives from having so many willing hands. Heck you and dh might get to hold hands and even go out alone! It will be lovely

PigValentine · 01/02/2011 12:41

YABU. Let them come, accept it will be chaotic and hectic, and enjoy it as much as you can. The following weekend, do something nice and quiet just for your little family.

Think how you will feel in 20 or 30 years if you cancel. You'll wish you hadn't.

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