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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In refusing H access to the family car

49 replies

nicky157 · 01/02/2011 10:15

The background to this is he passed his drving test a few weeks ago but seems to be struggling to gain any car control. For example he pulls out in front of other cars and doesn't seem to be able to anticipate a hazard which especially scares me with the children in the car and then leads to over correction and its not improving.

I can drive and do most of the driving but if I go out on a Saturday night for safety's sake I don't want to drive so I tend to let him do the driving.

Now I bought the car, registered in my name and I'm the main driver, WIBU to restrict access to the car until he has taken further lessons with an instructor and keep the car on the drive on a Sunday if I've gone out.

OP posts:

pinkhebe · 01/02/2011 10:19

my dh didn't drive my ds's after he'd passed his test for a good few months, he was a careful driver, but I felt he needed more practise without the distraction. How does he feel about it? I didn't let him know I felt this way, I just carried on driving us!

clevercloggs · 01/02/2011 10:21

if he passed, he is good enough to drive

he wont get better without practice, maybe he can do all the driving while you sit with him (and keep quiet)

JBellingham · 01/02/2011 10:23

encourahe him to drive without anyone in the car, the more the better, then he can learn to adjust to the new experience without you all gasping and tensing up.

Nagoo · 01/02/2011 10:26

I'm much more shit in the car if DH is there. I feel he's judging me constantly even though he's probably not.

I agree with jbellingham, let him drive a lot, and on his own. You have to trust him.

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/02/2011 10:28

It takes a while to get road experience, and if he's had lessons and passed the test, now's the time to get it. I don't think I was an ace driver when I passed, I only got better after a few months of driving every day.

Not allowing your husband access to the car is controlling in the extreme if he has passed. Plus he won't get better with it parked on the drive, will he? But I know it's horrible to be driven by an inexperienced driver who makes you edgy, so perhaps he could go out once a day for ten minutes on his own or start driving without the children in the car if that builds up his and your confidence. But you will have to just let him get on with it at some point.

You could also encourage him to take an Advanced Driving Certificate, my husband did go once a week for a few months, and it's brilliant, as they tell you all about safe driving distances (which my DH had a particular problem with), what to do in a skid, all about motorway driving, my husbands driving has gone from a bit manic and erratic to very good, as his pride in doing things 'like police drivers' (they were taught by an ex-policeman) is high- yes, like a little boy I know, but it worked!

marriednotdead · 01/02/2011 10:28

A really difficult one.

Passing a test just shows an appropriate degree of competence on a given day. Practice makes perfect so restricting him won't improve his driving, but risking the lives of the rest of the family is not a fair trade!

Does he think he's ok?

You don't sound as if you're overreacting btw.

If he is receptive to the idea of further supervised sessions then go with that. If not, it's going to become a big issue and I'd be hiding the keys.

Bramshott · 01/02/2011 10:30

I don't understand, when you say "I go out on a Saturday night for safety's sake I don't want to drive so I tend to let him do the driving." If you feel you are the safer driver, you should volunteer to be doing the night-time driving for now.

Sarsaparilllla · 01/02/2011 10:32

I think you should let him drive the car on his own for a while to get more experience, he won't get better without practice.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/02/2011 10:34

He needs more lessons. Passing your driving test does not mean you can drive. It means that you can drive well enough to continue to learn without an instructor at the side of you.

or not, in your husband's case.

Book more lessons.

Original poster

nicky157 · 01/02/2011 10:35

Thanks I was thinking of him doing the pass plus, which is further training he is receptive to as it covers things like motorway driving which obviously you can't learn before passing.

Maybe I am a bit of a control freak, I make a much better driver than passenger so the suggerstion for him to go out without me makes sense. At least I'm not tensing and putting my foot on the imaginary brake.

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 01/02/2011 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

nicky157 · 01/02/2011 10:37

Sorry badly put, I meant Sunday morning after a few glasses of wine Saturday night, we don't often go out together so either I will or he will babysit on the Saturday night so we can drink.

OP posts:

ValiumSandwichTime · 01/02/2011 10:38

I think yabu yes. My x wouldn't let me drive 'his' precious car. It seemed like one more way of controlling me. I'm not saying you are controlling your husband, but how can he improve if you don't acknowledge that both of you should be able to drive the car?

What if he FORBADE you from doing something that you really needed to do (and do better).

Would you tolerate being told that you weren't allowed to do something?

QueenStromba · 01/02/2011 10:45

I also think you should let him drive the car on his own, for a few months after I passed my test I was a much better driver with nobody else in the car.

Socy · 01/02/2011 10:45

If he is really that bad than YANBU, at least with the children in the car, but how did he pass his test? DS1 passed second time and he had been driving with me and other DC in the car before that. I knew he could drive, so he was allowed to borrow the car. tbh, I still hate his driving, but I always hated his dad's too, doesn't mean it is actually unsafe.

UniS · 01/02/2011 10:49

I dislike driving with DH as a passenger, he dislikes being a passenger, maybe you are like DH and are not a good passenger. I only became a confident driver when I had to drive for work, and so had no DH tutting and pressing imaginary brake next to me.
Would your DH be wiling to get some more practise in on his own.

dexter73 · 01/02/2011 10:52

How can you restrict access to the car if it is a family car? Will you hide the keys from him? If it is a family car and you can both drive then it is not up to you to decide who drives and when.

Original poster

nicky157 · 01/02/2011 10:54

Basically he passed his test tootling around the village we live in doing the roads he knows like the back of his hand, he even admits he was rather lucky with the test route.

He'd also only had 2 hours of lessons between tests and on one of them he was duelled twice and in between them he made a silly mistake that has made me cautious of his ability to read road situations.

OP posts:

Tortington · 01/02/2011 10:55

he sould take some more lessons then

MmeLindt · 01/02/2011 10:55

YABU

How is his driving going to improve if he is not allowed to drive the car?

Even further lessons will only help up till a certain point. He has to get a feeling for the car.

Are there some quiet roads around that you can send him out on for a practice?

If this was a woman posting that her DH was not letting her use the family car, as he did not think she was competent enough, MN would explode with posts of "Leave the controlling bastard".

Nagoo · 01/02/2011 10:56

My Dh does this thing where he grips the door handle and I can hear it creak.

It's interesting actually, as we both think that the other leaves it really late to brake...

MmeLindt · 01/02/2011 10:57

My MIL does that, Nagoo. Accompanied by sharp sucking in of breath. Scares the shit out of me.

Chandon · 01/02/2011 11:00

I asked my DH to clock up 200 miles on his own before taking kids out, so he would experience how to do the timing thing getting onto the motorway etc. (remember, learner drivers are not allowed on the motorway, so they have NO experience of that).

I don't think it is up to you to "allow" him, but I think you can appeal to his sense of responsibility.

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 11:03

Suggest he has more pratice without you/DC in the car. I appreciate your concerns about letting DC travel with an inexperienced driver, but he's not going to get better without more driving practice.

Justmeandthekids · 01/02/2011 11:06

Your reaction is VERY controlling.

You are living together. This car is his car as much as it is yours. You can not tell him what to do or not, whether he is 'allowed' (?!?) to use your (as yours and his) car.

He passed his test. He has shown that he is not a danger to other people when driving just as YOU were when you passed your test!!! How do you think you were doing when you had just passed your driving test? Do you really think you were as confortable as you are now? And as good at judging situation?

By all mean if you are that worried, get yourself at the wheel when you are out with the children. Otherwise, give him a break.

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