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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In refusing H access to the family car

49 replies

nicky157 · 01/02/2011 10:15

The background to this is he passed his drving test a few weeks ago but seems to be struggling to gain any car control. For example he pulls out in front of other cars and doesn't seem to be able to anticipate a hazard which especially scares me with the children in the car and then leads to over correction and its not improving.

I can drive and do most of the driving but if I go out on a Saturday night for safety's sake I don't want to drive so I tend to let him do the driving.

Now I bought the car, registered in my name and I'm the main driver, WIBU to restrict access to the car until he has taken further lessons with an instructor and keep the car on the drive on a Sunday if I've gone out.

OP posts:

kepler10b · 01/02/2011 11:10

YABVU. can you imagine if things were the other way around (i.e. you had recently passed your test and your partner said you couldn't drive the car). i can't imagine your criticism of his driving is helping very much either. this reminds me of a controlling partner who used to undermine my driving ALL the time. i'm wasn't the world's most confident driver (much better now i'm with someone who encourages rather than undermines) but i am competent enough and haven't had any accidents in 16 years of driving.

ChippyMinton · 01/02/2011 11:19

YABU about not letting him use the car but YANBU about letting him drive the DC.

Encourage him to go out on his own to build up experience and confidence.

And fgs protect your no claims bonus!!

tjacksonpfc · 01/02/2011 11:34

Did he not drive the car with you as a passenger when he was learning with dc in the car?. When I was learning to drive I used to go out in the car at weekends with dp and dcs as at the end of the day 90% of my driving would be school runs with dcs.

One driving lesson I had I phoned up instructor to cancel as ds nursery was losed for the day. My instructor said dont cancel ds can come with us ive got car seats so thats what we done.

Personally I think you should be encouraging your dh as at the end of teh day he is a legal driver and so you shouldn't be telling him what he can and can't do.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 01/02/2011 11:34

YABVU and very controlling. My DH bought our car because I haven't had my own income for over ten years [kept woman]. He would no more think of telling me I couldn't drive it than he would think of flying.
How is your DH to improve if he doesn't practice? His confidence isn't going to improve if you are pressing imaginary brake pedals beside him.
Leave him to go out on his own (when he wants) and do protect your no claims.

Bramshott · 01/02/2011 11:45

I don't think there's anything wrong with suggesting that he gets some more experience of motorway driving (maybe even books a motorway lesson) before doing lots of it with the family in the car. I do think however, that once you a confident he is safe, you have to just keep quiet - it's very difficult to judge distances from the passenger seat - I have often found myself thinking that DH brakes too late, but I don't think he does, it's just my perception of it as the one in the passenger seat IYSWIM.

MrSpoc · 01/02/2011 11:46

let him take the car out on a Sunday on his own for a few hours. He will gain confidence and relax.

Also if i am a passenger of any car I always get a little nervous but if I am driving I am fine. Do you feel like this with other drivers?

Nagoo · 01/02/2011 12:03

yy bramshott that's what I think, it's a prceptin thing.

monkeyflippers · 01/02/2011 12:16

Maybe tell him to practice without the kids in the car for a while.

zipzap · 01/02/2011 12:17

How does he feel he is at driving the car now he has passed his test - does he feel confident or is he aware of situations (before and/or after) that are potentially hazardous?

You've said a lot in your post about how you feel about his driving but nothing about how he feels - or about how he feels about you feeling worried about his driving abilities...

Going out for drives himself around familiar roads as has been suggested will be great in building up his general road skills, encourage him to do that along with the advanced driving skills course.

and how old are your kids? Can you play a game with them in the car even with you driving of 'helping mummy to drive' and spotting signs, all sorts of different hazards, anything really and get him to play along too so that you can make him aware of the things that you are taking note of whilst driving that he might not have realised you were thinking about? And of course it will help the kids too to be better pedestrians (aware of the dangers of cars, running out into the road etc) and drivers when they get to drive.

Finally is there some sort of game that you can get for the pc/wii/etc that is good for this sort of thing? Obviously it isn't the same as real driving but if you can find one that is good at giving practice in hazard awareness and avoidance you might help him to be more aware of problems too.

Oh and is it worth getting his teacher to give him a couple of different lessons on specific things like motorway driving and night driving that will help to cover things that he might not have had much practice with driving locally before his test...

zipzap · 01/02/2011 12:21

might also be worth making explicit how distracting kids to a driver and bribing encouraging your kids to be really good in the car

mayorquimby · 01/02/2011 12:22

sounds like passive aggressive controlling behaviour to me.

(only joking that's just the standard response on here these days)

I'd agree with others, the only way to get confident and comfortable with driving is lots and lots of practice. I think it would be ridiculous of you to try and restrict another adults access to the family car. What next? He thinks you're not good enough with money so makes a unilateral decision to block you from the joint accounts? One of you decides you're safer than the other with the kids/cooking/diy/anything and takes it upon themselves to become the gate-keeper of that area of family life?

Original poster

nicky157 · 01/02/2011 12:41

Thanks, maybe I am being a little unreasonable.

I've not long had my licence so unable to see him drive as couldn't supervise. Also when I passed I had a cheap 1l car that I didn't care too much about knocks and bangs and I had to be cautious and safe from the word go as it didn't have the safety features of my current car. He also criticised me quite heavily when I was a new driver and made me lose confidence badly enough to swap from a manuel to an automatic and refresher lessons. I know that is no justification for the way I behave now.

Obviously, the way forward is for him to have some extra lessons, me to assume the role of driver when the kids are in the car for the time being and for him to get some practice alone.

OP posts:

Ormirian · 01/02/2011 12:46

Let him take the car out on his own for a few weeks. No kids. He needs practice and hwe isn't going to get it if you don't let him drive it until you think he's good enough.

KangarooCaught · 01/02/2011 12:55

Does he have/can he have his own car that he drives daily on his own?

Passed my test when at uni and bought a car but dh used it for his long commute to work (could only afford one car then) so I never drove and lost confidence. Dh bought me a new car for my birthday and on the first few occasions followed me to work to make sure I was ok (was irrationally worried about parking) and didn't say a word if he was a passenger. Am actually a very good driver but it was the daily practice that made me so.

MrSpoc · 01/02/2011 12:59

tell you what, why dont you but him his own, cheap banger. problem solved.

EldritchCleavage · 01/02/2011 13:10

Pass Plus is a very good idea. DH's driving improved immeasurably after doing it.

Inertia · 01/02/2011 13:13

I think Mr Spoc probably has the solution- if you can afford it, buy another car. Only needs to be something small. That way , he can practise on his own- having you criticise his driving all the time is really not going to help. Though I don't understand how he criticised your driving when you passed, if he was a non-driver himself? Could there be an element of subconsciously "getting your own back", do you think?

Extra lessons would also help; at the very least, your DH should have a motorway driving lesson.

monkeyflippers · 01/02/2011 13:22

How many hours of lessons did he have in total? I think it matters as some people just get lucky and passed when they are really not experienced enough.

Original poster

nicky157 · 01/02/2011 13:23

Unfortunately buying another car isn't an option, he doesn't need a car for work, hence the reason why I was able to take lessons first and the family finances won't support the running costs of a second car.

He criticised my driving because I didn't want to do a 200 mile round trip in a 1l nissan micra, questioning why I drove if I didn't want to go anywhere). He also criticised my lack of ability to park and the fact my spacial awareness was bad (can now park my rather large car in tiny spaces forwards and backwards) and questioned my ability to control a car. So maybe it is tit for tat as he didn't give me a fair break when I first started out.

OP posts:

monkeyflippers · 01/02/2011 13:24

Should have given him a slap for that.

Original poster

nicky157 · 01/02/2011 13:43

He had between 25 and 30 hours of lessons and 2 tests and drove the local area including past our house so knew the roads and junctions well as were practiced on every lesson. The independant driving was driving to a roundabout on the edge of our village that showed the signs to the motorway.

But the issue is I took the extra lessons to improve my driving and parking. Trouble is H is a stubborn old mule who doesn't see the point in doing more than the basics in life to qualify so fails to see the need for the extra training.

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 01/02/2011 13:46

Hmm. After your latest posts, I don't think it is about him driving really, but about his attitude towards you.

And the fact that he was hard on your when you started driving so you feel within your rights to be the same with im.

At the end of the day, you need to feel safe in the car with him. Either he takes extra lessons and you let him practice, or you never will.

tinkertitonk · 01/02/2011 13:46

From the OP: "...which especially scares me with the children in the car..."

If you are right, that he's a danger to your children, then he's a danger to others. As others have advised, further instruction sounds like a good idea.

monkeyflippers · 01/02/2011 13:50

I think that amount is enough to pass but isn't a huge amount either! I had nearly 100 hours (instructor was too busy trying to get into my pants to put me through for the test!) and I drove all over London but still came upon situations that I wasn't experienced in once I had passed. I made mistakes and nearly had a few accidents.

He should accept he isn't an experienced driver. Too many people get over confident once they have a licence and that's when terrible accidents happen.

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