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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to move our family to 'the Country?'

118 replies

MosEisley · 31/01/2011 22:48

DH and I dream of leaving the London suburbs and shipping out to ?the Country?. We want to be able to afford a house with views of fields, spend more time together (perhaps running our own business) and with our 3 little children.

This would involve moving jobs, schools, houses and leaving our friends here ? so a big undertaking, and plenty of disruption for all of us.

Is it possible to do all this and have the life we dream of, or have we just been watching too much Channel 4?

Have any of you actually done this move (city to rural area) and did it work out as you planned / imagined?

Where did you move to? We are thinking of Norfolk, to be near family.

I have posted this here partly because I can?t find a suitable board, and partly because I know I will get a good telling off if IABU. I am not new, btw, but name changing as symbolic of new start!

Thanks!

OP posts:
minxofmancunia · 01/02/2011 11:19

Having spent the first 18years of my life in a rural Cheshire backwater before escaping to Manchester I would NEVER put my children through the grimness of a rural upbringing.

My parents live in a small hamlet in Cheshire still, the people in the pub are rough, weird, local thick rough. scraggy looking toddlers in the pub at 10.0pm while their parents with strange accents get pissed and lairy. Horrible. FWIW I've never seen this kind of thing in city places (although obviously steer clear of the ropey places). That's the point though, in the counrty there's nowhere to steer clear to! You're stuck with one weird horrible pub, no amenities, parochial narrow minded inward looking people, having to drive everywhere hardly any ethnic mix/cultural diversity. Not fun.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 01/02/2011 11:19

frostyfingers - The exclamation points invalidates your post.

cumbria81 · 01/02/2011 11:22

I love the countryside - but only to visit. I could never imagine living there.

I love the fact that in the city I can walk to work, walk to the shops, the supermarket, the cinema, friends' houses etc etc. I don't own a car and would hate to have to drive everywhere, even to get a loaf of bread.

hatwoman · 01/02/2011 11:24

MosEisley - take a deep breath. this will probably be long. It will also make me easily identifiable. But I work on the assumption that I have no privacy on mn. Though if anyone recognises me I'd appreciate it if you waved...

Like you, dh and I lived in the London 'burbs and never quite felt at home and often talked about leaving. We had a "light blub" moment one night when we came up with the idea of renting, instead of buying. Once the seed had been sown - that we could make the move without the huge commitment that selling and buying would involve - there was no going back. With some difficulty - it took about 9 months - we found somewhere to rent for 2 years in a small village in the Peak District - about 3 miles from the village I grew up in. We rented out our London house (again, with some hiccups). NB the rent in the house up north was greater than what we got for our London house.

DDs go the village school. There are about the same number of children in the whole school as used to be in a year (ie 60). This has positives and not so positives. One dd found the move very hard - she left a very close friend and found it tricky at first. She also found the idea of doing it for 2 years, to suck-it-and-see, unsettling. With hindsight it had its downsides and I think she would have made the transition better if it had been permanent from the outset.

Life in the village is great. We have made lots of friends - many more than we made in London. We can pop round to friends' houses for a drink. We can go to the pub and there will be people we know - we have a local, easy, social life - we don't have to trek across a capital city to see people. We borrow things from neighbours. We do favours for each other. We walk each other's dogs.

The place is unbelievably beautiful. DH climbs and mountain bikes - with above friends - and I run lots - again often with above friends. When I walk across the fields behind my house (this is one of the the best bits!) I can call in at my friends' stables and have a cup of tea, making a fuss of her horses, and admiring the view, while the dogs play. Just looking out of my window in the morning lifts my spirits.

We both went freelance - (which is a whole other thread) but now dh has taken a job with 2 days a week in London and the rest from home. He gets up at 5.30 one morning a week and is away one night a week. I know two other families here who have also relocated here - in both cases the dh works in London still - which must be tough. There are also families where people have very long commutes - there's not much employment in the village! but most manage to wangle some time wfh (many are freelancers) and most see it as an acceptable trade-off. Others work in Sheffield - which is a much more manageable commute.

The Peak District is unusal in its accessibility - I can get to John Lewis in Sheffield in 30 minutes. Less on a good day. Though the inclination to go to JL has, thankfully, dipped hugely. However, we spend an awful lot of time driving dds to activities there. (Sheffield, not John Lewis).

The upshot of our 2-year experiment is that we're staying put. Buying wasn't easy - in 2 years of keeping an eye on the market there were only really 2 houses that we'd consider to have ticked enough boxes. And when we viewed them it turned out that only one ticked enough. And house prices here are not cheap. not cheap at all. although they vary there are some villages where they are the same, if not more expensive, than our rather nice suburb of sw London.

On balance it's been an amazing 2 years and I couldn't imagine going back

BuntingHill · 01/02/2011 11:26

That is true - with no buses at all - we do have to all drive everywhere all the time! The bus is such a rare sight that my DD (5) still points it out everytime she sees it. Also the hills are soooo steep we don't walk either.

MissAnglia · 01/02/2011 11:28

If you consider anything outside of a city to be country thought, then you can have a great life. Our village is lovely and has lots going on, as I said. As a teenager I lived in the middle of nowhere which was horrendous. I think as long as you have life around you and can get to civilisation easily then not living in the city has enormous benefits. I love staying with friends in London; I love the hustle and bustle and the multi-cultural nature of it, but am not sorry to escape the fear of crime and the teenage gang culture which seems to thrive in parts of London. We have neighbours who moved from East London and they were really defensive and suspicious of everyone when they first arrived, I think because they expected to be mugged or at the very least shunned by the locals! Now they've been here about 5 years and the children are happy and and thriving and all of them seem far more relaxed.

As far as drugs go, there are some areas that I'd avoid, which tend to be the more deprived parts of Great Yarmouth, Thetford and King's Lynn, as there's not much else to do I suppose.

Ormirian · 01/02/2011 11:28

Yay hat! I remember you making the move. Glad it has worked out.

chelstonmum · 01/02/2011 11:28

We moved to Devon last summer and live on the outer edge of a large town, with the sea a 5min walk one way and a country park/village the same.
We are a 20min drive to Dartmoor, close to a fab selection of farm shops and markets, but also near to sainsburys and waitrose. Also there are still things for the kids to do nearby if the weather is not being so kind!

I have to say we love it and dont miss the city where we had to go for everything before. :)

ILikeMilk · 01/02/2011 11:29

The Peak District is unusal in its accessibility - I can get to John Lewis in Sheffield in 30 minutes.

Wow, that sounds scary :)

MosEisley · 01/02/2011 11:30

Wow this thread is moving too fast for me...

Merrylegs and Miss Anglia, great to have views on Norfolk. We've visited many times as Dad lives there, but neither of us are from that part of the world originally.

Ah, BuntingHill you've touched a nerve because making friends and fitting in is important to all of us, and I know it won't be easy. I grew up in a rural place myself and know how people there view outsiders and strangers. Hope the Norfolk folk will be welcoming... if I try not to moan too much Wink. That said, as you point out, the place we're thinking of move to isn't REAL (isolated) country. Living in London changes your perspective of what country is. Here I drive 20 mins from my suburban house to the local town and it is built up all the way. In every direction. So if there are fields between the towns, that is rural for me.

off to read a bit more.

OP posts:
BuntingHill · 01/02/2011 11:31

Over an hour to nearest JL for me - but there is this fab interweb thingy!

kenobi · 01/02/2011 11:31

Exactly Bunting. If I wanted sweeties, I had to cycle 7 miles to the nearest village. There were no kids in that village, just the post office. Which sold sweets. So I would cycle there along an A-road, buy sweeties, then cycle back. 14 miles for some frikkin maltesers. At least there was no chance I'd get fat.

If it hadn't been for boarding school and pony club I think I would have been mainlining lighter fluid by the age of 13. Or, as I said before, making my own 'entertainment' with my brother Grin

And guess what? I miss it desperately. DH and I plan to move to the country as soon as we can. I guess I never learn...

ILikeMilk · 01/02/2011 11:34

"Wife in the North" is a very depressing read. Dont read it if you are pregnant!

dikkertjedap · 01/02/2011 11:34

Well, I would first make a list of advantages and disadvantages of each option. We made the move and we have decided to move back to the City, small flat but preferable to large house in country side!

As most people have already pointed out advantages of country side, I will give you my list of disadvantages:

  • need to go by car everywhere
  • small schools are not always what they make out to be,can be very clique, sometimes more difficult to make friendships as there are fewer children of same age, staff not always up to speed with latest developments, less chance to specialise (music lessons, etc)
  • far fewer out of school activities for young and older children
  • can be isolating if you are SAHM
  • far away from OOH (usually located in nearest hospital) during night/weekends
  • far away from hospital in case of emergency
  • no social network
  • can't quickly pop out for dinner/film/museum on rainy day (there are a lot of rainy days ...)
  • less choice in supermarkets/restaurants/other shops

We found it idyllic when we both worked in London and where only in country side in weekend, but not so when living here all the time. All comes down to expectations I guess ..

BuntingHill · 01/02/2011 11:34

Love the idea of you cycling 7 miles for malteasers!! Grin

BuntingHill · 01/02/2011 11:35

Sorry 14! Grin

frostyfingers · 01/02/2011 11:39

You need to draw up a list of what you like about the city and what you don't then decide whether you could live without the pros.

We moved from London 18 years ago and have never looked back - but it doesn't suit everyone and you need to be realistic. You will drive more, you will ferry your kids, you will have to plan further ahead (no popping out for that forgotten pint of milk) and you will find strange people around and about (but you find them everywhere). Think about how you would manage if the weather was as bad as it was in December.

There is crime in the countryside and there are many smaller market towns with drug problems, it is not all roses round the door and beautiful views.

BUT I LOVE IT.

We are 10 mins from our nearest shop, the county town is 1hr away and I wouldn't change it for a thing. We have great neighbours, a fantastic environment, peace, quiet and total darkness at night. My children roam free (when they're detached from their computers), cycle all over the place and have a good network of friends.

Go into it with your eyes open, don't expect perfection, and you will be fine. Pick your spot carefully and do lots of research and I'm sure you'll be fine!

kenobi · 01/02/2011 11:43

I didn't even like maltesers - I just wanted SOMETHING sweet and junk food-like! Grin

hatwoman · 01/02/2011 11:46

god just read some of the negative comments. I grew up near where I am now and loved it - massively helped by being able to get into Sheffield on public transport. But my friends were largely local - I went to a girls' school in Sheffield and had a much better social life (ie one with boys in it) than many of my suburban school friends.

I think some of the posts here, about boredom, do indicate that you need to think hard about location, and about what you will do. If, like dh and I, you love outdoor activities, or maybe growing veg, keeping chickens and throwing yourself into the PTFA, then you'll be fine. If you're into supping mocha frapaccinos and shopping for tat then maybe not. But I wouldn't swap my cups of tea on the hills behind my house for all the starbucks in the world.

KnittedBreast · 01/02/2011 11:46

remember that in the country the garages all shut before 11pm, so that means no fuel or sweets!

BuntingHill · 01/02/2011 11:48

I think that's right frostyfingers - the DFLs who do eventually settle down and fit in are those that aren't expecting it ALL to be perfect from day one.

Try not to be either TOO keen and send everyone in the village mad with your enthusiastic volunteering zeal or in the pub every night forever whingeing about it all and comparing it with Lahdarn .... and you'll be fine.

MosEisley · 01/02/2011 11:48

Hatwoman, Thank you. I know the Peak District very well, because that is near where I grew up! If I pm you, will you tell me which village you're from?! I grew up near Bradfield, my grandparents lived near Hope / Bamford. Fond memories of being dragged round Cole Brothers with Mum, too!
More importantly, thanks for open and honest telling of your experience. Glad it worked out well for you in the end.

We did consider moving back to that part of the world . It still feels like home to me, and my brother and SIL are set on going back there. However, jobs and work are an issue because Sheffield doesn't have the kind of work we do (financial services), plus DH is a soft southerner and thinks it is too north for him. I think your idea of renting is great - will def discuss that with DH, because it reduces the risk. Would need to check what rent we'd get for our house in comparison to rents where we're looking at, though.

Just out of interest, what are secondary schools like near you?

We've also considered freelance work and running our own business - but as you say, that is a whole other thread! I will be asking for advice on MN on that later.

OP posts:
MosEisley · 01/02/2011 11:51

kenobi your post made me laugh loads, thanks! See where you're going with the name, too...

OP posts:
Goldberry · 01/02/2011 11:52

We moved from London to a pretty village in Oxfordshire before we got married and had children. It was a bit of a 'lightbulb' moment for us too. As we are both teachers, we can work pretty much anwhere, and we suddenly wondered why on earth we were paying to live in London (and commute slightly outwards!) when we really had no reason to.
I have never regretted it for a moment and have not missed London in the slightest. If anything I am now wishing we had gone a bit more rural, as it's still pretty busy (and expensive!) round here. It's good to have a decent-sized town nearby though, especially one with plenty of interesting stuff to do, like Oxford. Good luck!

Fennel · 01/02/2011 11:53

We moved from huge city to little village in beautiful place 5 years ago and we haven't regretted it, we are very happy here.

We were quite careful though about where we moved to, DP had grown up in a village and didn't like it, and I grew up in a rather boring little market town, so we were wary. Our village is close to a small city and this means we do have city amenities within walking or cycling distance, in fact we use the car far less than when we lived in a big city, we don't use it for school or work.

the main downsides for us are that it is, inevitably, less ethnically and culturally mixed than a big city, and also the job options are more limited - we have jobs which are fine at the moment but there isn't the opportunity to switch around that we'd have if we were in or near big cities.

Apart from that, it's great. Dc love the village life, we have all found it very friendly and welcoming, and when they get bigger the teenagers just disappear off into the nearby city so they don't seem to get bored.

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