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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated he didn't even bother with a card?

27 replies

TurkeyBurgerThing · 31/01/2011 07:36

It was our wedding anniversary yesterday. My husband made no effort what so ever and I didn't even get a card. It's only our 2nd and last year he didn't bother either because we were "too busy" moving. I got him a card a CD and a bottle of wine. I didn't say anything until bed time because I thought he was pretending he hadn't got me anything! When I mentioned it to him he ranted at me is a "lovely children, nice house and car isn't enough" for me?

AIBU in feeling incredibly hurt? Is it normal for men not to make an effort for wedding anniversaries??

OP posts:
orangepoo · 31/01/2011 07:40

I'd have replied, no, lovely children nice house and car isn't enough for me - I want a husband who loves and respects my feelings me as well.

On a bit of a miserable note, it can start you on a slippery slope - marriage needs to be worked at - applies to everyone.

Chil1234 · 31/01/2011 07:42

YANBU and no, it's not normal. His reaction seems incredibly nasty. Just about understandable if he'd forgoten the event completely and was caught on the back foot. But if it was deliberate he's a tightwad & he's just taking the piss.

Original poster
TurkeyBurgerThing · 31/01/2011 07:45

We have been together for 15 years, and he was never massively keen on actually going through with getting married (was more of the big wedding thing he was afraid of than anything - but we just had a small one in the end)

I really do feel like "woman cook" the reproducing cow at times. Angry

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 31/01/2011 07:47

YANBU and his reaction sounds quite uncaring.

Original poster
TurkeyBurgerThing · 31/01/2011 07:49

Aaaargh I hate it, he has an answer for EVERYTHING so if he upsets me it manages to be kemsip is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
TurkeyBurgerThing · 31/01/2011 07:51

Kempsip = me that. Fucking phone.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 31/01/2011 07:52

Then he sounds like a sulky brat of the 'I never wanted to do this in the first place' variety and he's taking you for granted into the bargain. Does he have form? Are valentines cards a 'silly waste of money', for example?

Wouldn't be supplying household services for a while... make your feelings known and make plans to do things for yourself instead.

onceamai · 31/01/2011 07:54

Do you think he was feeling guilty. Why wait 15 years to get married if that's what you both wanted?

MommyMayhem · 31/01/2011 07:56

Yeah, I'd go on strike. Teach the uncaring, inconsiderate git a lesson. Sorry OP, hope you don't mind me calling your DH that!

slightlymad72 · 31/01/2011 07:58

yanbu, a wedding anniversary is something that you should be celebrating, your wedding wasn't just another day in the calender.
I would tell him how much he has hurt you and what your anniversary means to you. If he tries to make out that you are being unreasonable, keep reminding yourself you are not.

wonderstuff · 31/01/2011 08:00

YANBU
We don't do much on anniversaries, but that is because we have discussed and agreed that it isn't a big deal, maybe no card, but a 'can you believe its been so long' soppy discussion, a bottle of wine and maybe a meal if someone can have the kids - but my dh is romantic and makes me feel special on other days too. IMO you have to make an effort to do nice things for each other for marriage to work.

Original poster
TurkeyBurgerThing · 31/01/2011 08:43

Chil1234, he hates Valentines, I'm not too bothered with it to be honest. I think it's fun for new couples but I always think that a wedding anniversary is more personal! Some years he's made tea for Valentines (even though he's not a cook, he puts a salad together and I am so greatful for this efort it makes me cry!)

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 31/01/2011 09:05

You're so grateful when he makes a salad it makes you cry? That seems a bit worrying...

Chil1234 · 31/01/2011 09:56

I agree with pommedeterre. Do try to look at this a little more objectively. If you had a friend that was tied to the kitchen sink, mostly "calving and milking", made to feel grateful for a once-in-a-blue-moon salad, thought that her husband had only married her under duress and was denied the normal minimal tokens of love.... what would you say to her?

Tip... be bothered about Valentines, even if you're not. Make it clear you expect one this year and kick up a stink if it doesn't happen.

chicaguapa · 31/01/2011 10:04

Playing devil's advocate here, but maybe he was just being defensive as he had forgotten?

DH and I are a bit role reversal and I often (not quite always) forget to give DH a card on our anniversary. Usually my response to him giving me a card is "oh shit!" Grin

He knows that this is no reflection of how I feel about our marriage but just that I have a lot to do and getting a card/ remembering our anniversary just gets overlooked. However, if it was really important to him, I'd make much more of an effort to remember.

StuffingGoldBrass · 31/01/2011 10:09

Why did you marry this knob in the first place? If it was to protect yourself and DC in legal terms then fair enough, but you might still have been happier if you'd just dumped him.

SexyDomesticatedDab · 31/01/2011 10:17

Agree with SGB (for once).

redhollyberry · 31/01/2011 10:21

You are not being unreasonable to feel hurt.

My DH and I don't really bother with cards or presents. On the day we'll say Happy Aniversary or Happy Birthday and plan something nice to do but it's not a big deal. Occasionally we'll forget, but I don't think either of us would snap at each other like that. Maybe he was a little embarrased and then defensive about it. What did he say when you gave him your card and wine?

Mumcentreplus · 31/01/2011 10:33

He sounds like an arse!..is this his normal behaviour?

We celebrate our anniversary every year, we don't celebrate birthdays so this is quite important to us..we try to do something together and get away if we can even if it's later in the year...and we have both forgotten in the past but we don't get upset with each other ...

one year my DH didn't get time to sort out something on the day..I on the other hand had white roses delivered for him and he cried and promptly told me to never ever do that again! Grin

Your DH sounds ashamed to me..

Jux · 31/01/2011 10:48

My dh and I both tend to forget our anniversay. I used to feel hurt that he'd forgotten but then one year I did too. I've not remembered it for about 5 years now, and neither has he.

My dad usually forgot too, but you couldn't have found a more devoted husband really. He worshipped the ground mum walked on (not in a doormat way though). They were a great couple and had a great marriage. Mum did get upset a bit when he forgot, and he'd be mortified. The difference is that he would be honestly remorseful and make a real effort to make it up to her.

Your dh sounds rather brattish and childish in his reaction.

togarama · 31/01/2011 10:54

YANBU.

It isn't the card that's important in itself. It's your DH not understanding or caring that this matters to you and hurts your feelings.

Personally, I don't want cards cluttering my house up and can't remember from one day to the next whether it's a birthday or anniversery of some sort. However, if I was someone who cared about this sort of thing, then I would expect someone who loved me to make sure that I wasn't disappointed.

Aims80 · 31/01/2011 10:59

I don't think the issue is that he "forgot", it's more that he doesn't realise or care that it's important to you. Even if he's not bothered about it, he should be bothered about you being happy.

Is he like this on birthdays/christmas etc too? Is he like this on an every day basis with the little things?

AbsDuCroissant · 31/01/2011 11:02

I agree with all the people who suggest you go on strike. He's being highly unreasonable - even if he's not super bothered about the anniversary, he should still realise that it's important to you

Virgowoo · 31/01/2011 15:58

Aims80 is spot on. Don't really 'do' greetings cards where my DH comes from, so it's not something he would do for anyone else in his family, however, he always gets me a nice card for birthdays, anniversaries because he knows that I like them.

On the other hand, I'm rubbish. I have actually forgotten his birthday one year. He was abroad at the time though if that makes it any better? Blush

feelingsorryformyself · 31/01/2011 16:45

YANBU.
If you want to mark the day then he is being mean not to. He should know you well enough to have made you feel special even if he thinks it's not that important.