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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit hurt by my friends comment about me not having a daughter...

106 replies

AgentOso · 28/01/2011 23:01

Met my friend for lunch today on my own popped into the shop next door after, she pointed at a lovely polka dot dresser, then said that it would look lovely in a girls bedroom then word for word said "oh sorry ha you don't have a girl so wouldn't work for you, oh but you are the girl" (I have 2 boys under 5). she then immediately apologised saying it wasn't nice of her to say blah blah, I brushed it off, I thought nothing of it as she is 40, single and has no kids, but dwelling on it, I feel hurt. I mean because I don't have the perfect pigeon pair will I forever be looked upon as not happy, not acceptable in society???? wtf!!! I have to say this isn't the first time, I constantly get verging on negative comments about my boys, they are lovely little boys, polite, well behaved, loving and normal in their playing etc...

I would never dream saying to ANYONE let alone a friend... "oh look what a gorgeous wedding dress, ah but shame you don't even have a boyfriend" or the like, but why do friends and even STRANGERS think its okay to make comments on gender??

I am blessed with a great little happy healthy family... will society ever accept that even though I don't have one of each?

sigh! sorry just a vent...

OP posts:

daisyj · 28/01/2011 23:07

People are very silly. And weird about boys, too. Boys are lovely - my friends and I mostly have girls, and frankly I'm getting a bit concerned about dd's prospects. Bring on the boys, I say.

Lol at "oh look what a gorgeous wedding dress, ah but shame you don't even have a boyfriend".

TheSleepFairy · 28/01/2011 23:07

I have 3 girls. DD3 was a complete accident suprise.
People constantly go on about us trying for a boy, will we try for a boy 4th.

There are many reasons we have 3 & won't be having 4 & I wouldn't subject any little boy to try & fit in our little pink house - even dh struggles!!!

Your friend isn't a mother so she has no clue.

monkeyflippers · 28/01/2011 23:07

Tell them to fuck off.

Underachieving · 28/01/2011 23:11

You shoulda said piss off at the time and got it over and done with. Don't let it hurt you/

MsKLo · 28/01/2011 23:12

Some peole can be so stupid - you are blessed with two beautiful boys so try not to let it bother you but I understand why you would be annoyed at such arrogant comments x

curlymama · 28/01/2011 23:12

That says alot more about her feelings surrounding having no children than it does about you and your beautiful boys. Try not to worry, but if she makes a habit of making comments like this, then arrange a shopping trip that goes past several bridal shops.

Booandpops · 28/01/2011 23:12

I adore my boy. He is cuddly and gorgeous in every way. Before I had him boys stuff bored me to tears but now I get excited about hotwheels and star wars Boys are fab!!!
(as r girls)

MerylStrop · 28/01/2011 23:16

It's just chit chat, an alternative to commenting on the weather and the price of cheese.

I've got 3 kids and people are always commenting on how mad/busy/irresponsible we must be. If you have just one child people are always going to ask you if you want another. (Personally I've always thought 2 little lads would be ace. )

It sounds like your friend was picking up on what might just be a weeny bit of oversensitivity on your part - she was desperate not to hurt your feelings but overcompensated and got herself in a mess. Don't over-think it.

NeatSoda · 28/01/2011 23:17

I get this (I have two boys). It's nearly always from people who don't have children.

It's annoying but like Curlymama said - it's rarely about anyone but the person making the comment.

PacificDogwood · 28/01/2011 23:18

Sounds like a case of 'mouth opened before brain engaged' TBH

FWIW, I have 4 DSs, you should hear the comments I get ...

cat64 · 28/01/2011 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SpiceWeasel · 28/01/2011 23:27

YAB a bit U. Yeah it was a silly comment but I think you are overthinking it. She realised what she had said, and then apologised.

It's a shame that you are getting quite a few comments though, I don't know why people do that.

TickettyBoo · 28/01/2011 23:31

I sort of feel the same way when people make comments about me having another lo - what's wrong with the beautiful one baby I have thanks all the same???!

YANBU but I agree with SpiceWeasel, don't over-think it and upset yourself over it x

thecaptaincrocfamily · 28/01/2011 23:34

If someone had said 'ooh look at that great sports car but it wouldn't work for you with a family!' would you be upset. Stating the obvious, not a big deal. If she had 2 girls then yes SIBU but no it is just a comment, not a slating of boys. Lighten up. I would have joked about it needing to be Thomas/ Fireman sam or some such nonsense!

GloriaSmut · 28/01/2011 23:34

People say the stupidest things! I have two sons (now grown up) and yes, I also used to get the daft and unsolicited comments about how I must miss having a little girl to "dress up". I'm afraid I was fairly intolerant about this sort of conversation since it hadn't occurred to me that children were some sort of ornament or accessory.

As it happens, I now have a (nearly) 4 week old dgd who is sublimely scrumptious but I've already had a couple of people say how wonderful it is that I won't miss out on having a little girl now. Er, hello? These are the same people, mind who've come out with silly remarks about my ds and his fiancee probably wanting a boy next time.

I think you have to just put this sort of nonsense out of your mind and pity the buffoons who have nothing more constructive to say.

Original poster

AgentOso · 28/01/2011 23:40

Thanks ladies, yes you're all right hurt subsided all points taken and accepted! just needed a vent here rather than do something silly like sending her an uhm email, not that I would have!

love my boys and dh to bits they are my world but i just don't go on and on to her about them. right, off to bed.. thanks again

OP posts:

SpeedyGonzalez · 28/01/2011 23:40

I agree that you really shouldn't take this dim-witted comment to heart. However, I am wondering why you're so hurt by it. I'm going to use crass pop psychology to state the obvious: I do hope that the fact that you are so hurt by such an asinine statement isn't masking any disappointment about not having a girl, because from what you've said it sounds like your boys are wonderful.

Your friend must be mortified. Silly cow. Let it go and just let yourself enjoy your lovely family. For all you know she may even be jealous of what you have!

Mousesmummy · 28/01/2011 23:41

I would say that at least she had the decency to accept that she may have offended you! When I was pg with dc4 (had 3dds and we just wanted another baby, NOT a boy!!) I had a good friend also pg, due within a few weeks of each other, with dc4 (however she had 3 boys and really wanted a girl, said it to everyone etc). Well she had a fourth boy and I immediately sent best wishes etc, congratulations etc. When I had a boy she ignored me! I was so hurt! We no longer speak - don't fall out with your friend if you value her friendship iyswim?

lucilastic · 28/01/2011 23:43

Do people really say this kind of thing to people with boys? I have 2 girls and have never experienced it.
For the record, I would have loved a little boy but am grateful for two happy, healthy kids.
OP, could your friend be a bit jealous? 40 and no kids?

ButterflySally · 28/01/2011 23:46

Unfortunately I have been one of those people that have made that insensitive comment (to my SIL of all people about my nephews who I love dearly and wouldn't swap for girls ever in a gizillion years!). It came out without really thinking of the implications of what I was saying (or that I was actually talking about my dear nephews...I was just thinking about 'two boys' if that makes any sense...maybe not). I immediately regretted it afterwards and still feel guilty now and cringe when I think of it. I think society is conditioned to think a boy and a girl is a 'perfect pair'.

Your friend immediately apologised - she obviously realised she had offended you. I know it has upset you but it may be worth putting it behind you now.

Tryharder · 28/01/2011 23:48

I have read your OP several times and have tried to work out exactly what offended you in your friend's comments. And I can't see it! She pointed out a design that would look good in a girl's bedroom. And then said that it would be no good for you because you don't have a girl. Which you don't. [shrugs].

My Ex boyfriend was from a family of 6 brothers and they were such a lovely family and I really envied his mum for having all those lovely boys (I once said that to her and she looked at me like this )

Kewcumber · 28/01/2011 23:50

I think women of 40 with no children tend to be "judged" far more by society than mothers of boys (speaks as experience of a once 40 year old with no kids and now mother of a single boy) - so I would pay no attention to and be totally unconcerned by her comment and be grateful for my lovely DS asleep in bed now.

anonymosity · 28/01/2011 23:50

YANBU - it was thoughtless and hurtful. I think often its very difficult to get the right balance with single friends when you have children. I have one who I've known for nearly 30 yrs and whenever she notices anything about my two small children she usually says "of course, my dog lola is exactly the same..." - !?!

Kewcumber · 28/01/2011 23:51

tryharder - I have been known to wistfully say to DS pointing at red shiny frocks "are you sure you won't wear that, because it won;t fit me?"

chipmonkey · 29/01/2011 00:03

lucilastic that is mild compared to what I get! Like PacificDogwood I have four boys and rarely get a nice comment about it! In fact, when anyone says "Lovely!" I could just hug them!

AgentOso I think it may be a touch of sour grapes on your friends part.

When my SIL was a lot younger she went to a fortune teller who told her she would have a son and a daughter, that the son would be not very bright but very loving and that her daughter would basically be a bitch and would hate her!

She has a friend who can't have children. SIL did go on to have a ds and a dd. When her dd was born, her friend came to visit and said "So this is the witch!" about her beautiful newborn girl.

SIL knows it was sour grapes but can't quite forgive her friend.

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