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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit hurt by my friends comment about me not having a daughter...

106 replies

AgentOso · 28/01/2011 23:01

Met my friend for lunch today on my own popped into the shop next door after, she pointed at a lovely polka dot dresser, then said that it would look lovely in a girls bedroom then word for word said "oh sorry ha you don't have a girl so wouldn't work for you, oh but you are the girl" (I have 2 boys under 5). she then immediately apologised saying it wasn't nice of her to say blah blah, I brushed it off, I thought nothing of it as she is 40, single and has no kids, but dwelling on it, I feel hurt. I mean because I don't have the perfect pigeon pair will I forever be looked upon as not happy, not acceptable in society???? wtf!!! I have to say this isn't the first time, I constantly get verging on negative comments about my boys, they are lovely little boys, polite, well behaved, loving and normal in their playing etc...

I would never dream saying to ANYONE let alone a friend... "oh look what a gorgeous wedding dress, ah but shame you don't even have a boyfriend" or the like, but why do friends and even STRANGERS think its okay to make comments on gender??

I am blessed with a great little happy healthy family... will society ever accept that even though I don't have one of each?

sigh! sorry just a vent...

OP posts:

Tryharder · 29/01/2011 00:07

at Kewcumber. Boys are great, though. Girls have good clothes that's all.

I just can't see how it was thoughtless and hurtful. What's wrong with having 2 children of the same sex? Some posters seem to be assuming that the OP is racked with anguish because she doesn't have a girl...

Anonymosity, I often see it on here that boys are like dogs and need regular food and exercise so perhaps your friend isn't far wrong

anonymosity · 29/01/2011 00:14

It was thoughtless and hurtful to have said something without first being aware of how the OP felt - that was the thoughtless part, the hurtful consequence was found in the OP's reaction.

I agree, boys are a lot like dogs. Mine especially likes to take a whizz outside by the trees!

cloudydays · 29/01/2011 00:15

I agree with tryharder and merylstrop and others - I really can't work out what was hurtful about what she said.

I feel kind of sorry for her that someone who is supposed to be her friend thinks little enough of her to infer the worst possible meaning from what seems a very harmless bit of chit chat.

Tryharder · 29/01/2011 00:24

CHIPMONKEY - If your SIL had discussed the fortune teller's prediction with her friend and perhaps had a laugh about it, then I actually think what the friend said is quite funny and if it were me, I would have laughed about it and agreed with her.

Or is just my sense of humour?

Kewcumber · 29/01/2011 00:25

I don't think people without children place any great emphasis on throw away lines like that. Though even now based on the conversation as reported here I must admit I wouldn;t be offended.

Kewcumber · 29/01/2011 00:25

Oh an DS has some pretty cool clothes (I lust after his zara skinny jeans) but nothng red and shiny.

Tryharder · 29/01/2011 00:26

Too true, Cloudydays. Poor OP's friend. She makes a harmless comment about a bloody polka dot wallpaper or whatever it was and suddenly she's been branded a jealous, bitter, manless, childless barren old spinster on the Internet

SpiceWeasel · 29/01/2011 00:30

I have to say I couldn't quite work out the what was offensive but thought maybe it was just that it wasn't something that I would personally care about, but maybe the OP would like a polka dot dresser. In which case I say get it for your boys :)

ButterflySally · 29/01/2011 00:30

I agree, I don't think it's sour grapes or jealousy at all.

squareheadcut · 29/01/2011 00:39

why dwell on such a throwaway comment if you have 2 lovely boys, it seems perhaps you want a girl which is why it struck a chord - try for another?

mutznutz · 29/01/2011 00:43

I agree with square...are you sure it hasn't struck a chord and the 'hurt' is already there?

I speak as the Mother of 3 lovely boys and no girls...even the dog and the hamster here are male lol.

pinkstarlight · 29/01/2011 01:06

sounds more like she put her foot in it without thinking and she hit a sensitive spot.

cjdamoo · 29/01/2011 01:30

you want insensative? I have 4 boys. I always get comments and now Im expecting my 5th.

A family friend implied i could consider termination if it was another boy.

I may have let rip.

echt · 29/01/2011 06:35

OP - look again what you said your friend said.

She apologised.

YABU.

Mishy1234 · 29/01/2011 06:51

When I was expecting DS2 someone at work said to me that I should hope for a girl as she would look after me when I got old!

People are daft and this was just a throw away comment from your friend. I would let it go tbh and at least she apologised,

goingroundthebend4 · 29/01/2011 07:07

When I was pregnant with dc3 everyone was like bet you want a girl .I presumed be another ds was a dd which was a shock to me then had another ds later who everyone said bet you want another dd to dress up and be girly

Well ff 7 years and lol no ballet shoes or pink anywhere here at all.Dd plays rugby lives in jeans tshirts and is my only football player oh and hates pink .Never played with dolls etc

StrikeUpTheBand · 29/01/2011 07:13

cjdamoo - I'm not surprised!

I agree people say the stupidest things about gender.

I have so many complications in pregnancy, had severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome in my first 2 pregnancies and severe gestational diabetes in my third pregnancy (plus the worry about preeclampsia coming back). My first baby (a boy) was stillborn, but of course nobody would realise that from looking at my family now. My second baby was my DS, nearly 4 now. I was very happy either way. When I was pregnant again, people kept insinuating I would want a girl this time so I could have 'one of each'. I was happy that DD was a girl, but would also have been happy for a boy for different reasons. However, other people in the street (and annoyingly, people who know I lost my son) constantly tell me "How lovely to have one of each" (etc). I try not to get annoyed because it is just something people say, but I actually had 2 boys and one girl, so every time they say that I feel a little pinch of the fact that I don't have my DS here with us too.
I do think though it is downright rude (and stupid) when people suggest that because you have more than one child of the same gender that you would be unhappy. They should remember that ALL children are a blessing, and there are positive and negative aspects of having every combination of genders IMO.

MotherOfSuburbia · 29/01/2011 07:56

I have 3 boys and then a girl. The amount of comments I received about "trying for a girl" when I was pregnant with DC4 started to really irritate me. I hadn't been remotely bothered which sex it was but I started secretly wanting another boy just to prove them wrong! And when I had my delightful and surprisingly female baby, the comments changed to " well you have your girl now you can stop" - like my boys had just been failed experiments while waiting for a girl. Grrrrr!

Original poster

AgentOso · 29/01/2011 07:57

To all of you that couldn't work out what I found hurtful, it was a dig that I had 2 boys and no girl, she knew that as soon as she said it hence she immediately apologized.... She could have easily just said that would be lovely in a girls room full stop but she didn't, hard to write down, but she apologised because she knew herself she made a dig.... But as said I thought nothing of it, until last night when thinking about it and felt sensitive to the fact I've actually had many unsolicited not so positive comments galore about having no daughter...this time coming from a friend who doesn't even have kids made me think! Sorry I know it sounds pants,I am so grateful for my boys, love them to bits would not swap them for the world but I seem to have become more sensitive to throwaway comments the older ds2 gets, I am only human repetitive digs I'm afraid do get me as it's about my family not being perfect or something stupid (polka dot dresser one in 100's comments) Would love to tell people to fuck off, mind their own business but that's
just not me.... Anyway i respect everyones replies and sympathise with those who get what ido...

OP posts:

monkeyflippers · 29/01/2011 08:01

StrikeUpTheBand - that must have been horrendous to lose your little boy. A little pinch must be a bit of an understatement!

BerryLellow · 29/01/2011 08:07

I don't think that particular comment was all that bad, but as you've said, you get many of them over a period of time and it puts you on the defensive. I've had some corkers too, having two boys myself

Friend's MIL - 'so are you happy you had another boy?'

Me (cradling newborn DS2) - ummmmmm, yes thanks

and the rather lovely time

DP's Grandad - 'Should he have been a girl?'

Me - No, we're really happy with two boys

DP GD - 'But I bet you wanted a girl though didn't you?'

Me - No, really quite happy

CharlieBoo · 29/01/2011 08:10

Tbh I think people seem to assume that all womenwant girls...I have a friend with 2 boys and she gets comments all the time. It's rude and makes you feel as if boys are second best, some kind of consolation prize. Lol lol lol about the wedding dress...

Boys are ace IMO

Chandon · 29/01/2011 08:13

yabu.

I have two boys. I get this all the time.

It does not upset me at all, as I genuinely think 2 boys is great.

maybe she hit a nerve, otherwise it is inexplicable that you're upset.

Chocaholica · 29/01/2011 08:24

I have two girls. People seem to assume that I am delighted to have girls (I am - would be with boys too) but that DH must be traumatized in some way by not having a boy. They say it all the time. I find it very odd.

It's also liberating in a way though, cos these people base their silly opinions on gender stereotyping - wonder what they make of boys who don't like football and girls who do? DD2 does a lot of things very differently from DD1; had DD2 been a boy, I might have assumed this was gender-related, but it isn't, it's about individuals. Which is what kids are in the end, not 'a boy' or 'a girl'.

But I don't think these people mean any harm; they're just spouting ill-thought out chatter.

Original poster

AgentOso · 29/01/2011 08:24

chanson I genuinely think my 2 boys are great, hence why comments I'm missing out does upset me as i dont feel i am! My boys are my nerves she hit them! :(

OP posts:

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