to be a bit hurt by my friends comment about me not having a daughter...

[AgentOso]

Met my friend for lunch today on my own popped into the shop next door after, she pointed at a lovely polka dot dresser, then said that it would look lovely in a girls bedroom then word for word said "oh sorry ha you don't have a girl so wouldn't work for you, oh but you are the girl" (I have 2 boys under 5). she then immediately apologised saying it wasn't nice of her to say blah blah, I brushed it off, I thought nothing of it as she is 40, single and has no kids, but dwelling on it, I feel hurt. I mean because I don't have the perfect pigeon pair will I forever be looked upon as not happy, not acceptable in society???? wtf!!! I have to say this isn't the first time, I constantly get verging on negative comments about my boys, they are lovely little boys, polite, well behaved, loving and normal in their playing etc...

I would never dream saying to ANYONE let alone a friend... "oh look what a gorgeous wedding dress, ah but shame you don't even have a boyfriend" or the like, but why do friends and even STRANGERS think its okay to make comments on gender??

I am blessed with a great little happy healthy family... will society ever accept that even though I don't have one of each?

sigh! sorry just a vent...

I can totally understand why you felt so sensitive to this if you have been subjected to comments like I have because I have 3 DS, expecially during my pregnancy with DS, "thats a shame" type comments. Only can take so much.

There seems to be a genuine belief amongst a lot of people - not all of course - that your family isnt complete unless you have 1 of each sex, and its even worse if you only have boys, the Mums I know with only girls dont get it half as bad as people like me with only boys. Some people really think that every woman is not complete without a daughter, and its usually women with daughters (that I know) that are the worse.

I know of somneone with 2 DS who put off ttc for years because she didnt want another boy - eventually she got pregnant and it was a girl - cue all the my families complete, my little princess guff from her, and openly saying she wouldnt have coped if it had been a boy. Its as if boys are seen as second class citizens as far as some women are concerned, and it works the other way with men not having sons etc.

I think it is more the problem that years of comments along the poor you line, coupled with well meaning people saying they 'feel so lucky' to have had both sexes, just makes you feel like you need to defend your family all the time, sometimes unnecessarily (which I think may be the case here)

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I was once told that my daughter and I weren't a "proper family"!! WTF?? In fact according to the idiot who made the comment, even if I had been married I would only have been "a couple with a child"... apparently you have to have 2 children to be a family... and EVEN THEN if you don't have one boy and one girl then you haven't done it "properly"!!!
Luckily it wasn't a friend that made a comment so I am afraid she got a very short rather rude answer....

Don't be daft. You don't have a girl. So she assumed you wouldn't have need of what was clearly meant to be a girl's item. No need to feel sad or inferior for having sons only.

Funny how if you have girls, people assume you want a boy and vice versa?

I am one of three girls, I had one daughter and on my second pregnancy everyone said "oh if you have a boy you can stop now"

No. I wanted more CHILDREN thats all. We didn't find out the sex and while I was pregnant myself and DH agreed that boy or girl, we would have more.

My second daughter was born and once she arrived I wouldn't have changed her for the world.

Got pregnant two years later and everyone said (AGAIN) "trying for a boy?"
As it happens I found the pregnancy with two children under 5 really difficult and told my DH "Boy, girl, or goat this is our last!"

I felt so defensive of this poor baby who had so many expectations before they had even been born- I actually started to pray for a girl- just so everyone could fuck right off.

Of course I gave birth to a boy.
Part of me was really pissed off that everyone could nod and say "Ah yes...they kept going till they got their boy", when we were finished regardless !!!!!

Phew! Feel better after that , thanks
Viewfromawindow that is AWFUL - glad you told them where to get off, these people need telling..

my mam says its strange because in the 70's most people she knew had one of each (she did until she went on to have another 2 boys in th 90s. Theres loads of parents at the school got the same sex children, 4 boys, 4 boys, 3 girls and a girl who lives next to me has 4 girls by the same dad and a boy with her new partner. My grandad had a girl and 4 boys my, my dad had a girl and 4 boys and my uncle (dads brother) had a boy and 3 girls. My daughters dad is the only boy and has 5 sisters.

i can't see the problem really. not unless you had at some point told her you were desperate for a girl, then it would have been nasty of her. i think it would be fab to have two boys, i can't imagine who wouldn't love to have two boys (i don't but would have felt blessed if i had, i have one girl instead whom i love with all my heart). i think you were being over sensitive. perhaps she unintentionally touched on something?

I have had this too about my boys - having boys - women with daughters give you a bit of a pitying look. Ignore them. Boys are the best

Neither gender is the best. Babies are individuals, and I find the idea that anyone would state that daughters are undesireable because you have to deal with "bitchiness" far more offensive than anything the OP's friend said.

I'm sure people with more than one of a single gender do regularly get insensitive and ignorant comments about how much they must want one of the other gender. Some people are idiots, some people are willfully mean, and some people have prejudices based on all sorts of thing including gender. But this persecution complex based on the idea that mothers of daughters (and yes, I am one) generally look down on boys and mothers of boys is a load of crap.

"A bit of a pitying look" can be very much in the eye of the beholder. How do you know that it's not simply a sympathetic look of recognition from another mother who can relate to dealing with a toddler tantrum, or navigating narrow aisles with a stroller? How do you know she's not looking at your baby and feeling wistful for her older daughter's infant days? Or, possibly, looking slightly longingly at your boys because she never had one?

Why do people love to presume the worst of other people who are just getting on with their own lives?

I am a mother of boys and I have had it (when the boys were younger) quite a few times. You are a mother of daughters. How would you know? Throughout my first sons primary ed it was always the boys in the remedial group, the boys that were messy and physical - things that usually don't bode well in the classroom. Boys often get a rough press. I for one will stand up for them!

Ahhhh!

This kind of shit really pisses me off. I have two georgeous boys and am expecting my third accident baby. I do not know the gender yet. One 'friend' said "Oh my god IMAGINE if you get 3 boys!!!!?" (look of horror on her face)

I just wanted to smack her. If my child is healthy and happy then THAT is the main thing. People place too much emphasis on gender.

so, YADNBU

stillenacht, how would I know what? The unexpressed thoughts of random women with a look on their face that you perceive to be 'pitying'? I'm not living inside their heads, so I wouldn't know, and neither would you.

If you read my post you will would have seen that I stated clearly that I'm in no doubt that people do experience insensitive comments from ignorant people who value one gender over the other, or who think only one of each constitues a 'complete family'.

But the OP, your post and others give the impression that the world is just chock full of women who look down their noses at little boys while parading their little princesses around, and that is frankly ridiculous.

FFS girls have been devalued and exploited throughout the whole of human history. Until very recent times, and to this day in many parts of the world, a baby girl is not seen as a cause for celebration at all. It is very sad that so many people seem to feel that mothers can't be delighted with their girls without 'taking' something from anyone else's [equally wonderful] boys.

By all means, defend your lovely boys. But not by declaring one gender better than the other, and not by making sweeping generalisations about "women with daughters." It doesn't do either gender any favours.

I have two boys and a girl.

When I was pregnant with DS2, everyone commented that I MUST want a girl this time. I laughed at them and said that DS1 was perfect and I would be very happy to have another one of him. In fact, I did want another boy, but everyone looked at me like I was a bit stupid and obviously I must want "one of each".

I had another boy and I was very happy.

As far as i was concerned I was stopping at two!

Roll on a couple of years and we had a bit of an accidental pregnancy.

Obviously everyone assumed we were trying for a girl! Refused to be told at the scans what we were having, as would be very happy with boy number 3.

on havind DD1, wasn't overly ecstatic, was just happy that baby was healthy.

Roll on 15 months, and am very happy that i hve a little girl, as I now look at all the lovely sparkly things in the shops that I can now buy! However, if she were a he, I would be just as happy!

People just assume stuff and the more you argue with them the more that you look like you protest too much. Just ignore and be happy.

I also have 2 boys and a girl and agree with Tubby - it has opened up a new world of pink but had she been a boy that would have been lovely too.

The first time I left the house with DS2 we ran into a neighbour who asked what we'd had, took a look at him and said 'oh, maybe you'll have a girl next time'. I'm certainly not planning a next time and am very happy with my DS2.

I just can't understand how people find it so hard to make a comment about how lovely a newborn is rather than implying their parents wished they were something else.

I'm not really sure how the comment about the dresser could be seen as an insult to boys though... unless there is more history here.

People say the oddest things about children. A dear friend of mine, who is a genuinely lovely person, said that I'd better have another child "in case something happens to DS". She doesn't have kids and had no idea what a devastating thing to say this was to say to a parent. I would just let it go; your friends wasn't trying to hurt you.

I have 2 boys and love them dearly. There are great advantages to having 2 kids of the same gender, which more than compensate for not having one of each. I think it was a bit thoughtless of your friend, but don't waste time worrying about it. Families come in all shapes and sizes and if you are happy with what you've got there's no problem.

Do the people who get the 'pitying looks' off the mothers with daughters not think the mothers of daughters dont get pitying looks off the mothers with boys! Probably everyone who has the same sex kids, boys or girls get the same comments. Why do some people on this thread call girls bitchy and say boys are better because thats what they have got. I wouldnt say one sex it better than the other, you get what your given. I didnt say whilst pregnant lets pray for a girl because their better than boys. Lets hope the people making the bitchy comments dont have a little bitch of their own one day because i cant see them giving them much self worth. Yes my girls can be a bit bitchy/whiney sometimes but i know many boys who are as well.

viewfrom' - i only have one dd due to infertility. for the first few years after having dd people would take forgranted i was going to have more by saying 'is she your first'...such a simple comment but unintentionally so bloody upsetting. i've had loads of comments criticising my having one child as if it was from choice. one women once asked me how many children i had, assuming i had more than one, when i said i had one and couldn't have any more (i am quite open about it, i am not ashamed) she actually went on to tell me how she has a friend who only had one child who went on to die and was left with no child so she would never recommend anyone having just one child. WTF, i was speechless which is hard for me. if she had said that to me now (this was a few years ago) i think i would have nutted her (verbally), still get angry when i think about it. it's noones business how many kids you do or don't have or what sex they are. i would dearly love one more in any sex, i wouldn't care.

I can totally understand why you felt so sensitive to this if you have been subjected to comments like I have because I have 3 DS, expecially during my pregnancy with DS, "thats a shame" type comments. Only can take so much.

WTF? The OP's friend didn't say "oh poor you for having no girls"! How can anything she said be deemed offensive? She was stating a fact! The OP doesn't have any girls...

Tryharder you know, I think, maybe SIL had a bit of a fear that maybe the fortune teller might be correct. People can get spooked out by silly things and IMO her friend shouldn't really have brought it up.
Anyhow, her dd is a lovely little thing and so far showing no signs of nastiness!