Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to be a bit hurt by my friends comment about me not having a daughter...

106 replies

AgentOso · 28/01/2011 23:01

Met my friend for lunch today on my own popped into the shop next door after, she pointed at a lovely polka dot dresser, then said that it would look lovely in a girls bedroom then word for word said "oh sorry ha you don't have a girl so wouldn't work for you, oh but you are the girl" (I have 2 boys under 5). she then immediately apologised saying it wasn't nice of her to say blah blah, I brushed it off, I thought nothing of it as she is 40, single and has no kids, but dwelling on it, I feel hurt. I mean because I don't have the perfect pigeon pair will I forever be looked upon as not happy, not acceptable in society???? wtf!!! I have to say this isn't the first time, I constantly get verging on negative comments about my boys, they are lovely little boys, polite, well behaved, loving and normal in their playing etc...

I would never dream saying to ANYONE let alone a friend... "oh look what a gorgeous wedding dress, ah but shame you don't even have a boyfriend" or the like, but why do friends and even STRANGERS think its okay to make comments on gender??

I am blessed with a great little happy healthy family... will society ever accept that even though I don't have one of each?

sigh! sorry just a vent...

OP posts:

belgo · 29/01/2011 08:26

A polka dot dresser? Sounds hideous. I have two girls and would never buy that. She is just being silly and obviously doesn't have very good taste.

lecce · 29/01/2011 08:33

I can't believe the comments about how stupid this comment was and what a 'silly cow' this woman was! All she did was point out that a piece of furniture clearly designed for girls would be, er, nice in a girl's room, and then added the, admittedly superfluous, comment that it wouldn't be suitable for your boys. Wtf? Maybe it's a bit innane but surely just typical of the kind of chat you have when out shopping.

I have 2 boys and have had a few thoughtless comments but I would struggle to be offended by this. I'd have answered with, "Yes, knowing me I'll be stuck with some Thomas monstrosity," or "Yes, and that rocket one over there would be nice for my boys," etc.

IMO the only reason anyone would see this as an offensive comment is because they have an assumption that having girls is more desirable than boys, like the poster who said this comment would not have been ok coming from someone who had 2 daughters! wtf not?!

OP, I know you did come back and say you knew she was deliberatley having a dig at you and if that's the case she is clearly a nasty person, but it is the motivation that is nasty. The comment itself really isn't, imo.

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/01/2011 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ErnestTheBavarian · 29/01/2011 08:41

I made the mistake of having a girl after 3 boys. Imagine the comments I get, usually in front of my lovely sons so they can hear
You must be so pleased you finally got your girl
did you keep trying till you got a girl
It must be a relief to have finally got a girl after having all had all those (said with nose wrinkled in disgust at my boys)
Is it nice having a girl at last
ooh, a little girl, at last she'll be some company for you

Etc etc. I swear, I get comments off almost every person I ever meet. Very seldom pleasant.

After ds2 & 3 it was incesant comments on how disappointed I must be

Anyway, op, Despite having these comments, I do think you're oversensitive about the spotty dresser comments, but I totally understand why, as the constant comments do get to you after a while. Never mind, you could still get your girl yet

5DollarShake · 29/01/2011 09:37

I do think you are being over-sensitive, BUT I understand why it upsets you.

The bottom line is that you're happy with your boys (as well you should be - boys are brilliant, and you have 2 of them!), and that's all that matters.

You know what, I think parents like having one of each gender, but in actual fact DCs themselves probably have more fun if their sibling is the same as them. Not always, but more likely! And I say this as a Mum of one of each. :)

FabbyChic · 29/01/2011 09:41

Hey nothing wrong with having two boys, I have two albeit now 23 and 17, and I'm so glad I never had any girls.

Girls are so much harder to raise, mood swings and the like, bitchiness.

Boys are ace seriously, never had any trouble with mine ever.

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/01/2011 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

brightlightsandpromise · 29/01/2011 10:03

well, your poor friend only said that the polka dot wardrobe woudlnt work in your house becuse its a girls bedroom item! So on that count, unless your boys want a girly polkadot wardrobe and you are venting about sexual stereotypes then YABU. To make negative comments about the sex of peoples children however is rude beyond belief. I have two girls and no one has ever said to me, oh you poor thing, no boys - sometimes i think i might like a boy, but really, when my girls came out i was happy that they were gorgeous, healthy BABIES!!!

Tortington · 29/01/2011 10:06

oh this is so easy, your friend doesn;t have children!

next time you walk past a shop with something cute in for children, point it out and then say 'oh that was tactless of me as you don't have children, do forgive me, i didn't mean it that way'

FabbyChic · 29/01/2011 10:07

Shine

My sister had two girls. Absolute nightmare in their teens!

Tortington · 29/01/2011 10:13

to be fair my dd is bloody great. so i don't think stereotyping is helpful

MardyBra · 29/01/2011 10:15

Sorry OP. Think YABOS. She was just wittering and you've overanalysed it all imo.

5DollarShake · 29/01/2011 10:40

Fabby - no need to down on girls to make your point. Someone else with only girls will have a great experience, and with only boys, a bad one. You just never know.

BOTH genders are equally great - no-one is missing out.

backwardpossom · 29/01/2011 10:44

I don't actually see anything wrong with what she said? TBH I only think that you found it hurtful because she touched a nerve.

fifi25 · 29/01/2011 10:49

Ive got 3 girls and found out the sex whilst pregnant with of all of them. When preganant with the 3rd i constantly got asked if i knew what i was having. I have heard 'oh what a shame', 'never mind', and '4th time lucky', i didnt plan my 3rd daughter and have got no interest in having a boy, probably from having 3 younger brothers and i always wanted a sister.

justasmallglass · 29/01/2011 10:50

YANBU, I can see why that comment annoyed you, but i bet she felt really silly after saying it. She clearly wasn't thinking.

I will never forget the look on DM's face when I told her I was having a boy (the curled up lip and silent tut). Think it's because I'm her only daughter and she thought I'd be the same as her...

Now when she asks if we plan another, and she enthuses "a girl would be nice", I remind her we are unable to choose!

Feegle · 29/01/2011 10:54

For goodness sake, what a massive over reaction to a totally inane comment. She clearly didn't mean anything by it at all.

Honeybee79 · 29/01/2011 10:55

It was a silly comment to make and clearly your friend wasn't thinking but sounds like you have overreacted a little bit. She did apologise and to be honest I think her comment was more about her than about you. That said, I do sympathise with you for being a bit pissed off. Some women seem to think that we all long for daughters over sons. I have a DS and when I told an old friend that I had given birth to a son she said, "Hmmm. Oh dear. Are you going to have another?" I was offended.

I also know someone who didn't find out the sex of her child while pregnant as she would have been "so devastated" to be told she was having a boy. She wanted a girl to dress up in cute clothes! Ridiculous. She had a girl but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she's a tomboy.

barteringlines · 29/01/2011 11:24

It's difficult to say whether you are being unreasonable without being there.
Did your friend apologise because she knew she was having a dig or because she realised by the look on your face that she had touched a nerve?
It doesn't look like a dig written down but maybe it was in the tone of voice?

ThisFeelsWeird · 29/01/2011 11:35

Sorry, have read it several times and don't see what is offensive in what she said. I can see that if you already have some sensitivity about not having a daughter, then any reference to that fact might make you wince. But other than that, I don't get it.

Sounds like there is history we are not being told about here, for the OP to have such a disproportionate reaction to something so inane.

I know a lot can be inferred from a tone though.

ThisFeelsWeird · 29/01/2011 11:37

BTW, I have one boy. And if I could choose the sex of number two, I'd want another boy, no doubt about it.

Where I live, everyone seems to have had girls recently, so having a boy is quite novel.

mutznutz · 29/01/2011 11:53

I still think you're over reacting OP.

Your friend made a comment and you saw it as a 'dig'. How can anyone make a 'dig' about you not having a daughter if you're really not fussed about having one?

I don't want to go and live in Poland so if a friend of mine said "Wouldn't that look great in a Polish house...oh sorry ha you don't have a house in Poland so wouldn't work for you"....how could I possibly see that as a dig?

ShowOfHands · 29/01/2011 12:02

I think you're being too sensitive.

She made a comment that was utterly true and probably saw your face and apologised.

If she's a friend as you say then I shouldn't imagine she's in the habit of deliberately hurting you. You don't say this is a habit for her or she's done other things/made other comments.

She said something, you were hurt, she's a good enough friend to apologise though actually it doesn't sound like she did anything wrong.

People make comments about EVERY combination of children people have. Says everything about them and nothing about the children.

But in this case I genuinely can't see the problem.

baconroll · 29/01/2011 12:46

YANBU, I can understand over time how comments like that could get to you whether you would like a daughter or not!

I also think that those who are saying you are being too sensitive blah blah are probaly those exact people who make those flippant comments!! (runs away...)

barteringlines · 29/01/2011 14:20

baconroll - you're probably right because I could say something exactly like the friend in the op because I couldn't see how it would cause offence! Although maybe I don't understand because I have one of each but if a friend pointed out a pink bunk bed that she though was nice and then said that it wouldn't do for me because I don't have 2 girls I wouldn't bat an eyelid tbh!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5