About Hand-me-downs.

[MarioandLuigi]

My Mum has a friend who lives in the same village as her (where I grew up, so I know this woman too). She gained custody of her GS after SS took him away from the mother. She had to give up work to care for him and is now living off her savings (as she cant claim benefits because of her savings).

My BIL (DH's brother) have a son who is of the same age. BIL and SIL have good jobs/nice home etc.

My DS is about 15 months older than both of these boys. Whenever DS grows out of clothes or toys I give them to my Mums friend, because I realise she is struggling and is on a tight budget and BIL is not.

BIL has made some comment to DH that we should be handing down stuff to them (and he was very serious) as they are family, andDH agrees.

AIBU to continue what I have been doing?

BTW - DH and I deal with finances seperately, and I always but the childrens clothes if that makes any difference (which it does to me as it is at DH's insistance that everything is seperate).

YANBU it sounds like your mum's friend needs the clothes more than your BIL.

I'd probably do the same as you. I really dislike people assuming they will get stuff for free. And would prefer it went to people who need it.

YANBU I think you are doing the right thing and I would be doing exactly the same in your position. If your BIL is financially okay then he is being a bit selfish thb. Plus you buy the clothes and therefore you decide where they go. Tell your BIL and DH that when DH buys any clothes he is more than welcome to have those.

Of course YANBU

They are your things to pass on as you see fit.

BIL has some cheek.

I think your bil is being really cheeky, its none of his business who you hand your sons clothes down to. yanbu.

I think as you buy the clothes at your DHs insistance you have full say in who you give them too. I think it is very very rude of BIL to comment.

But if you want to keep the peace you could give half each.

Does DH get involved in any other aspect of clothes care for DS?

YANBU

Your BIL is being tight, and using emotional blackmail.

Stand your ground

Do you think your BIL has had his eye on certain items you owned and got annoyed when he didn't just get handed them?

BIL is being an arse anyway, as is DH, but is it possible that BIL doesn't know why the clothes and toys are going where they are going?

YANBU, do not allow your grasping BIL and misguided DH to change your mind.

It's lovely that you're helping out. :)

YANBU. I'd be a bitch about it though, and if there was anything fit for the bin, I'd give that to BIL instead

Why/how is everything "seperate"

And if so why would the children's clothes be your responsibility?

But even more so, if the stuff is paid with using "your" money, you should pass it on as you see fit.

Yanbu.

I hate people who think they are in some way entitled to things that don't belong to them.

Your dh has absolutely no say in the matter since he has contributed nothing to purchasing the clothes.

And your dh is being a prick about the finances too btw.

Yanbu. How grasping is your bil? Why does your dh agree with him?

Surely he can see that your Mums friends need is greater?

Difficult. Just recall ringing SS when the DC had outgrown: cot, pram, high chair and everything else on offer and was advised said goods might not comply with H&S and only new things were acceptable. The family whose DH and father to be was an investment banker was very grateful for the second hand sub standard goods.

YANBU

YANBU, what a cheeky fucker your BIL is to expect it, especially when he doesn't need it and the other woman does.

Carry on with what you are doing and ignore them.

YANBU.

I would explain to BIL that they are being handed to a family which NEED them rather than just want the,. If he still has a problem then let him sulk!

YANBU. You may have chosen not to give any of the clothes away at all. Or given them all to a charity shop.

Why does your DH agree with his brother?

MerylStrop - DH pays the Mortgage and Bills, I buy the food/pay for holidays/anything the children need. It works for us :)

When I told BIL what I did with the stuff he still thought he should get 'first dibbs'(his words) at the stuff. His attitude actually makes me want to give him stuff less.

DH agrees because he has this massive complex about family coming first. He is a lovely chap really but he gets a bit blinkered when it comes to family.

Tell DH you're going to be selling them from now on seeing as though finances are split.

Sell them to Mum's friend for £1 per sackful

With that attitude I'd start taking stuff away from him! (I'm joking.. maybe..)

Your last sentence. Say that to him.

Could you compromise?

Any clothes that were knitted/donated by DH's family go on to BIL (plus a couple of other distinctive things as a sop). Everything else to the family who is currently in greater need.

It's unlikely to be worth falling out with your in laws over second hand clothes.