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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About Hand-me-downs.

82 replies

MarioandLuigi · 28/01/2011 19:40

My Mum has a friend who lives in the same village as her (where I grew up, so I know this woman too). She gained custody of her GS after SS took him away from the mother. She had to give up work to care for him and is now living off her savings (as she cant claim benefits because of her savings).

My BIL (DH's brother) have a son who is of the same age. BIL and SIL have good jobs/nice home etc.

My DS is about 15 months older than both of these boys. Whenever DS grows out of clothes or toys I give them to my Mums friend, because I realise she is struggling and is on a tight budget and BIL is not.

BIL has made some comment to DH that we should be handing down stuff to them (and he was very serious) as they are family, andDH agrees.

AIBU to continue what I have been doing?

BTW - DH and I deal with finances seperately, and I always but the childrens clothes if that makes any difference (which it does to me as it is at DH's insistance that everything is seperate).

OP posts:

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/01/2011 20:02

Yes your BIL is a cheeky fucker, and clearly grasping.

You are doing a lovely thing for your mum's friend.

gaelicsheep · 28/01/2011 20:04

YADNBU. Does your BIL think you have responsibility for providing the family wardrobe just because your DS is older? What a miserly twat he must be.

chipmonkey · 28/01/2011 20:15

YADNBU! Your BIL is a cheeky grasping fecker!

curlymama · 28/01/2011 20:21

If your DH contributes to the family finances, then he does have a say. Otherwise it's like you saying that you have no say what happens to the house because he pays the mortgage. Or you have no say what energy supplier you use because he pays the bills. And that would clearly be wrong.

So imo, your dh has as much right to say what happens to the clothes as you do.

I think the BIL is being rude and grasping, but if your dh wants to split the clothes and gives some to his brother, he has every right to. Of course you have every right to say that you want to give them to your Mum's friend too, so you have to compromise. Split them.

monkeyflippers · 28/01/2011 20:25

You are of course not being unreasonable.

Do you think there is a similarity between your DH and your BIL? They both seem to be a bit weird about money.

BIL wanting stuff he doesn't even need and being selfish and a twat about it going to someone more needy (that's got to be about the money rather then because he's sentimental) and your DH wanting to keep finances seperate . . . they both sound funny about money. Got to be something in the upbringing.

upahill · 28/01/2011 20:31

Carry on and take no notice!

PercyPigPie · 28/01/2011 20:34

YANBU - we have a little boy who is a neighbour and would be suitable to give our own clothes to. His parents are quite wealthy and a) I don't want to insult them but mainly b) they have plenty - so I would rather give to charity.

Al1son · 28/01/2011 20:41

"First dibbs"!!!! That means he wants to look through and take the nicest stuff and discard the rest. Clearly the needy gran could have the stuff he doesn't think is good enough.

FGS! Some people are amazingly selfish.

Give him a bag full of clothes that aren't good enough to pass on to the other lady.

saffy85 · 28/01/2011 20:47

at your BIL's attitude- especially as he's so open about being a grasping, selfish twunt. Even if your BIL was in greater need than this other lady I personally wouldn't give him a thing unless he changed his shitty attitude.

YANBU and it's a really lovely thing helping your mum's friend out the way you are.

OTTMummA · 28/01/2011 21:01

yes, give him all the stained crusty tops which are unravelling and give all the nice items to the Grandmother.

What a family you married into OP,,,, never too late

moomaa · 28/01/2011 21:05

Are the kids all quite small? Now DS is 4 there isn't a lot here to pass on as it gets worn out and if there is a close age gap they will probably be wearing the same aged clothes at the same time, so your problem might disappear.

FWIW I think it's up to you and not something your DH should get involved with.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 28/01/2011 21:12

Moomaa - why do you think it's up to the OP and her DH shouldn't get involved?

Mario - I think you are doing the right thing with the clothes etc I think your BIL is being incredibly rude - it might be slightly different if it was things DH/BIL's parents had bought - but even then, unless they specifically asked you to pass it to BIL when you were finished with it, it up to you what to do with them.

I would just tell DH that you feel your Mums friend is in much greater need of the things than BIL and that it would be different if BIL needed them, but he doesn't.

Beamur · 28/01/2011 21:16

How rude of your BIL.
To keep the peace though, I'd pass some things onto them and keep giving the rest to the lady who I'd imagine really appreciates your gesture.
Probably not worth a ruck over some second hand clothes, but YANBU.

curlymama · 28/01/2011 21:32

I'm really surprised that nobody thinks the dh should have a say. Leaving aside the fact that the bil is a twunt, the Dad surely has as much right to decide where the clothes go as the Mum does?

upahill · 28/01/2011 21:35

I've never said I didn't think her DH shouldn't have a say. I do think her Dh should be supporting her and telling BIL not to be a grabbing dick and have some manners.

shesparkles · 28/01/2011 21:40

If it were me I'd put them in the bin before I'd give them to the BIL.

Carry on doing what you're doing :)

OTTMummA · 28/01/2011 21:43

I think that as your BIL was rude enough to mention this to your DH, you are entirely within your rights to be 'rude' and tell him to eff off.
Or like i said, give him the shit stuff and maybe next time he will be less grabby.

OTTMummA · 28/01/2011 21:47

I don't think the DH would of given it any thought Curlymama if the BIl had mentioned it.
I doubt that the OPs husband would like to rifle through bags of clothes sorting out the acceptable ones etc put them in a bag and give them away. or am i wrong OP?

If he can't be arsed to sort it out then i don't think he is in any position to say anything.

Do you also think that if the OP chose to give her own money to a certain charity and the Husband didn't agree with it, that she should then take into consideration his wishes, even split her donation in half to apease the man?

tomhardyismydh · 28/01/2011 21:50

YANBU, I have never once recived a hand me down from my brother, I assume they give to a friend or charity shop. I would never dream to question what they do with thier dds old clothes, let alone dictate what they do.

I love a good charity shop and hand me down bargin, but hey if its not on offer tuff tbh. if it is I consider myself lucky and very very greatfull.

tomhardyismydh · 28/01/2011 21:52

"I'm really surprised that nobody thinks the dh should have a say. Leaving aside the fact that the bil is a twunt, the Dad surely has as much right to decide where the clothes go as the Mum does?"

but she buys the clothes curlymama, DH doesnt

curlymama · 28/01/2011 21:56

Giving her own money to charity is different, it's not a family expense. Childrens clothing is a family expense, so what happens to it should be a family choice imo. As I said earlier, otherwise it would be like the dh telling op she had no say in anything to do with the house because he pays the mortgage.

I agree the bil is being a rude twat, and I can see why OP wouldn't want to give him anything. But it wouldn't be for his benefit or his feelings, it would be for her dh's and dn's benefit.

If the dh already feels that ops family is more important, this would be a good opportunity to show him otherwise. For the sake of their happy marriage, not the bil.

OTTMummA · 28/01/2011 21:59

I don't see it as a family expense if she chooses and buys the clothes.

curlymama · 28/01/2011 22:06

Does that mean the mortgage and bills are not a family expense because the dh pays them then?

taintedpaint · 28/01/2011 22:10

As I understand it, DH is the one who insists on keeping the finances seperate, therefore he is making the decision himself to not be involved in the OP's finances. Which, IMO, does extend to what should be done with things the OP has purchased that become second hand, ie the clothes. That is obviously aside from the fact that it seems grasping BIL doesn't even need the clothes.

I see where you're coming from curly, but the analogy is slightly off from my perspective. The 'correct' (IMO) way to compare the OP with her DH would be DH telling her she had no say in the house, and OP telling DH he had no say in the children. Which is clearly not the case. It's the mortgage and the clothes that can be compared, not the house and the children, which are clearly still shared.

(Bit garbled but I hope you get what I mean!)

curlymama · 28/01/2011 22:19

Had to read it twice, but I see where your're coming from too tainted. Fair point.

Might be worth just sending stuff bils way just to keep dh happy then. I just don't think that wanting to give clothes away to two different people is worth bad feeling between a husband and wife.

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