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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About Hand-me-downs.

82 replies

MarioandLuigi · 28/01/2011 19:40

My Mum has a friend who lives in the same village as her (where I grew up, so I know this woman too). She gained custody of her GS after SS took him away from the mother. She had to give up work to care for him and is now living off her savings (as she cant claim benefits because of her savings).

My BIL (DH's brother) have a son who is of the same age. BIL and SIL have good jobs/nice home etc.

My DS is about 15 months older than both of these boys. Whenever DS grows out of clothes or toys I give them to my Mums friend, because I realise she is struggling and is on a tight budget and BIL is not.

BIL has made some comment to DH that we should be handing down stuff to them (and he was very serious) as they are family, andDH agrees.

AIBU to continue what I have been doing?

BTW - DH and I deal with finances seperately, and I always but the childrens clothes if that makes any difference (which it does to me as it is at DH's insistance that everything is seperate).

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 28/01/2011 22:22

exactly curly, I agree with you. but also think it is a "stickler" and if it comes between them so to speak then I would be questioning the power and controle of the relationship if second hand clothing is such a big issue in the relationship. Dh should in my opinion respect his wifes choice here.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 28/01/2011 22:22

Taintedpaint - I see it more that just because the OP's DH pays the mortgage she should still have an equal say in whether they change providers, change from repayment to interest only or any other decision relating to the mortgage, just as her DH should have an equal say in what happens to the clothes....

In reality though, I'd be telling him to sod off, he's not bothered his arse to deal with the sorting out and passing on until now, when his brother had whinged about it - so bugger off! Whereas I assume the OP has always been involved in the details of the mortgage (if she's any sense).

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 28/01/2011 22:22

This is my solution:

Basically, BIL is expecting you, as parents of the eldest child, to provide all male clothing. Therefore, it makes sense for BIL to pay for half of your son's wardrobe. All hand-me-downs go to BIL's child. Money gained goes straight to little boy and his gran to spend themselves. :)

By the way, your BIL is a grabby nobber.

monkeyflippers · 28/01/2011 22:28

I don't think anything should be given to BIL to "keep the peace". He's a selfish shit and I think OP shouldn't give anything to him out of principle. Explain to your DH why it means so much to you and that need comes before family in this case.

If BIL keeps on going on about it perhaps say that you will give him the clothes if he gives a donation of equal value to be passed on the the gran.

taintedpaint · 28/01/2011 22:34

Chipping - I think if BIL wasn't as grasping and DH as blinkered, I'd be thinking exactly the way you are. And yes, I should hope the OP at least knows where she stands re mortgage arrangements, I just feel that as far as DH's say in the destination of hand-me-downs goes, his position is weakened by his bloodymindedness on all fronts (family finances and misguided nepotism).

It really just comes across that while DH wants a say in everything, there's still things he wants to control himself alone. And while that might work in the OP's relationship, it makes conflicts harder to call in the fairness stakes.

skybluepearl · 28/01/2011 22:50

can you just give most of the clothes to the lady and the odd special thing to your BIL?

monkeyflippers · 28/01/2011 22:55

But the BIL doesn't deserve it!

monkeyflippers · 28/01/2011 22:55

Also meant to say that hand-me-downs are a gift not an entitlement.

muminthemiddle · 28/01/2011 23:01

YANBU

Restate to your dh how lucky the little boy is (the one with the gran) as he could so easily have ended up in care.
Then say how hard it is for her as she receives no help in looking after him unlike biological parents and how very grateful she is for all your ds hand me downs. Surely then he will see how grasping your bil is.

TastesLikePanda · 28/01/2011 23:36

Do you know what I'd do? I'd trawl charity shops or Primarni for the naffest, ugliest, not-their-stlyist clothes I could find, buy a couple of bits and then make a massive production about handing them over... then insist on seeing their ds wearing the clothes at every opportunity.
But then I'm a cow!

YADNBU by the way...

GreenEyesandHam · 28/01/2011 23:41

Finances schminances. Me and DH share everything, but in the same circumstances I would do exactly the same as OP.

Family schmamily :o

mumeeee · 28/01/2011 23:51

YANBU, But I can't get this idea that everything should be seperate, DG and I have a joint account which both our wages go into and all the bills are paid from, We do also have seperate accounts but we still talk about them to each other,

Original poster
MarioandLuigi · 29/01/2011 08:47

Thanks everyone, I am glad that everyone agrees with me that BIL is being an arse.

I have been passing clothes to my Mums' friend for 18 months now, with DH raisinmg no objections, its only now that BIL has decided he deserves them that there is an issue. I wouldnt have had a problem giving them to him had he not asked outright, and then acted like a tosser.

Plus, they have a DD 3 years older than mine and we have never had anything from him, so it seems like the arrangement would only work one way.

OP posts:
itsonlyblardy2011 · 29/01/2011 08:52

Hi Mario

My SIL and i are constantly sharing hand me downs (we have 5 between us and constant boxes backwards and forwards) but it is a 2 way street.

your BIL sounds an ass

onmyfeet · 29/01/2011 08:57

Your BIL is selfish, need comes before want.
I bet your sil would see it your way!

Wormshuffler · 29/01/2011 09:09

What does the SIL think to this?

radstar · 29/01/2011 11:59

I agree with you, the fact that he asked for them and made a fusss means I would want to give him them less. Plus the other family is more deserving and now that you say he never passed his daughter's things down to you - YADNBU !!!! Why not point it out to him?

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 29/01/2011 12:09

Your bil is an arse, I wonder what his wife would say as I would guess she deals with the childs clothing also.

I wouldenyion about the girls clothes to your dh.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 29/01/2011 12:10

Afterall with the oldest child they set the president didn't they!

onadietcokebreak · 29/01/2011 12:30

Yanbu.

But do remember that the gran will be receiving child benefit/tax credits for this child as it's subject to savings.

She would also need to have at least 16k on the bank to not be entitled to income support.

onadietcokebreak · 29/01/2011 12:30

Meant as it not subject to savings

ModreB · 29/01/2011 12:40

If I were you I would smile, nod, and continue to do exactly as I wanted. Treat BIL with the contempt that he deserves and ignore the selfish idiot.

solo · 29/01/2011 12:42

I was going to say what FlissPaps said. Give Bil the crappy bits.

I'm always happy to take cast offs for the Dc's and myself, but if I was in the money or even just comfortable, I'd be more than happy for them to go to less fortunate people than me. YANBU.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 29/01/2011 14:19

OP I sympathise. I have a similar issue in the my sister (due shortly) keeps looking at my DS's stuff any saying 'oooh I'll have that' or 'We'll have that one'.

Firstly DS is only 8 weeks so not exactly going to be growing out of too much before her LO arrives (other than some of the first size clothes, and definately not the moses basket, bouncer and other items).

Secondly - these were not offered, or asked for. The way she assumes makes me want to spit. As it is DP and I have decided to try for another one towards the end of the year so we are holding on to the majority of stuff for the next one.

I don't mind helping her out, but the attitude sucks so I know how you feel. I would continue as you have been, or compromise with DH giving the better stuff to the gran (as you will likely be the one sorting it!!!)

swanandduck · 29/01/2011 14:21

Your bil sounds like a pratt and you're dh should tell him to take a hike.