to dislike dh's expressions for doing a poo

[Longstocking2]

I particularly dislike:
"I'm just going to drop the kids off at the pool."

and

"I'm just going to go and log on"

Sometimes he spares me all artifice and just says, unadorned "I've got to go and take a s**t now"

Charmant!

how sweet he feels the need to share that with you (thankfully DP spares me )

Ha ha I had a boyfriend once who used to say "paying out rope" or even that he'd "laid a baby's arm"

We also have touching cloth in our house but it is said in a yorkshire accent ie "a'm touching t' cloth!"

And I worked in a nursing home where if someone had dealt with a really big one they would say they "could have put a bonnet on it" :o

But OP they are fantastic and I'm LMAO at the moment. I'm going to tell ds who will LHAO when he comes home. I am a very norty mum but he loves poo jokes

Turn my bike round I've only heard of for a wee.

better than theres a brown dog barking at the back door. yuk

In our house it's known as 'going for a read'.

If he has an upset stomach he's read a paperback, if he's a bit constipated then it's a hardback.

On the computer theme my beloved says he's just 'downloading', then there's the lovely 'polishing the rusty sherrifs badge' - its revolting, and he's chuffed when his mates think up a new one. [He's ex-forces, they seem obssessed with bodily functions, you do get used to it!]
Oh, and I once worked with a very smart lady who used to announce to all that she was off to 'strain the cabbage' - for having a wee, delightful!

DH either goes to 'drop his bombs' or 'float an air biscuit'

TBH I prefer these euphemism to when he simply announces that he's going for a dump (an expression I despise.)

I tend to say I'm going to do a poo, but fore some reason I don't understand I say it in a Scottish accent. I'm not Scottish. I tihnk it might be down to Gillian McKeith

Am now crying with laughter and DD1 is hounding me for an explanation. Thumping the desk, tears rolling down face.. thanks MN yet again.

An ex of mine used to say he was going 'for a turnout.'

These are great. A bloke came into a pub I was in once and asked us all if we knew where the loos were as he was : "touching cloth." I LMAO and use that all the time. These are funny - am amazed at how many MNers are a bit phased by the mention or thought of poo (see latest loo brush thread).

Also, Quenelle - why on earth does your boss talk to you about his bodily functions? (I don't get the bike turning round thing either!)

I do quite like the 'shaking the lettuce' one, though. Rather ladylike. And 'ease springs'.

No one's mentioned squeezing a kidney yet..

X(thanfully )H used to let me know he was "off to make my bum sick"
Horrible. Just yuck.

And why the need for men to make announcements when they're off to do a poo anyway?!

My DH just says he's going for a shit
but the worst of it is he has to describe what consistency his poo was like to me every single bloody time. It's a wonder why I still sleep with him

"I nearly "sharted"! This is when he farts but is afraid he may shit due to upset stomach.

"This is when he farts but is afraid he may shit due to upset stomach."

Ah yes, the condition so perfectly described in "Biggles Follows Through".

Split the whisker is the best way to describe a female going for a wee.

Drop anchor in poo bay is another one for pooing that might occasionally get used in this house...

DS (17):
'prairie dogging it'
'taking a dump' (boring)
'laying a deuce'
'breaking up a logjam'
'catching up on some reading'
'launch one'
'let the dog out'
'where are the matches?'

Turning a bike around sounds rather painful.

Occasionally my DH nearly gets caught out, and we have to drive like the wind home. He'll say he's "having an All-Bran moment".

I opened this thread dreading what I was going to read, I thought it was his facial expressions you were on about. Thankfully not.

Forgot my dad's one: Going to see a man about a dog.

Never did understand it.

My DH said (about our very very small downstairs cupboard toilet) "I'm going upstairs where I can spread my legs and have a shite in comfort".

At that moment I realised that any mystery or romance we had between us had died.

We have

transalantic flight

Eartha Kitt

or

Pony

We kids were brought up with going to do Big Business which is quite a nice way to go, but I didn't continue that with my own Dc's...going for/having a poo is the usual description here...(by the Dc's, not me )

Going off at a tangent a bit, a male work colleague used to comment on large fat girls as "bet she can shite". I thought it was hilarious.