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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry i can barely speak

125 replies

brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 13:07

So i will type instead.

My not so DD was on facebook this am, put something on her status indicating she was upset about something. (DD is 20 and doesn't live at home btw) I ask her what is wrong - fuck off she tells me. Nice!! Anyway, brief background, she doesn't havea job and my mum pays her to walk her dog for her - I used to walk him but i stopped when i got a job. My job didn't work out but i just let DD carry on with it because i didnt feel comfortable taking money from my mum and it never stopped with the dog walking, there was always, "while you're here can you pop to the town for me etc etc" She basically takes the piss, but you know how it is, its my mother, what can you do. So now my DD is the one who my mum thinks doesn't have a life so can run after her all the time - well, if DD got a job then she woudlnt be able to (different story). So after being told to fuck off, i was already Angry i said WTF is going on, my mum had already been on phone to me asking for number for boiler company, spoke to me like shit, clearlly in bad mood. So DD tells me im lazy don't do anything for nanny etc. Her cat been in the vets all this week, DD been doing the tooing and froing, i thought ah good, because i am mid tax return hell and im pretty preoccupied just now. But anyway, my mother obviously been slagging me off to dd as the stuff she said is stuff that my mum rings me and slags DD off to me.

Then phone rings, "what are you doing" says my mum, "sorting tax return out" "Well i cant get the fucking cat to the vets and its half dead (its not) and ive got to wait for the gas man" I said, well had you phoned me and asked me i woudl have taken her to the vets for you "oh dont worry about it" and slammed the phone down. So i have to fucking drop everything to take the cat to the vets, - which i dont mind, really i dont, it was my cat anyway in the first place - but why the hell do i get spoken to like shit by my mother AND DD!!! I am seething.

Ive just taken the cat to the vets, my mother trying to back track because i told her she has been slagging me off to DD. She says i only go there when i want something - not true. I do avoid her alot of the times because she moans on about shit and is difficult (like Catherine tates nanna but more malevolent) to put up with. Last weekend i ASKED her to come out with me and DD2 (aged 5) because i thought that she hadn't seen her for a bit, DP was working and i thought she woudl like to have the opportunity, but no, i only ever go there when i want something FFS.

What is wrong with, when you want/need something - phoning someone and asking them, it would have been much easier for me if she rang this morning and said, oh the cats still not eating would you mind taking her to the vets for me. Instead i had to break my stride in what i was doing and go just now. I am supposed to read her mind, she was even on he phone earlier to me moaning about the woman from the boiler company who was apparently "rude" errr, well if she spoke the her the way she spoke to me, if i were the woman from the bioler company i would have told her to fuck off! I am pre occupied due to tax return {stressed out about it) so i didnt ask after the cat.

Upset that DD spoke to me like that, but just steaming with my mother. She fascilitates my DD not getting a job because she gives her money all the time, and then thinks she is at her beck and call. What has happened today is that DD pissed off, didnt want to take the cat etc, so i end up getting shit on. FFS

OP posts:
softpaw · 28/01/2011 17:20

has everyone gone?

Blacksand · 28/01/2011 17:24

hi softpaw - MN has it's busy and slow times (school run, tea times etc.). i'm sure everyone will be about later.

softpaw · 28/01/2011 17:30

oh thanks blacksand!! i thought i'd done something wrong.

traceybath · 28/01/2011 17:32

Golly - what a horrid thread with a few exceptions.

Some of these posters remind me of my mil who is always waxing lyrical about what a perfect teenager my dh was - yeah right! He was just good at hiding stuff Wink

OP - bet you're glad to be back on mn though and am really pleased that the business is going well - I remember who you are.

Hope all calmer tonight and you have a good weekend.

complexnumber · 28/01/2011 17:34

Reminds me of a family 'Derick and Clives'

softpaw · 28/01/2011 17:43

ah,the school run.i'm still like totally agitated at 3 in the afternoon,even after all my 3 girls are grown.the thread of this talk is mothers/daughters/mothers..it's hard,so hard.but my advice would be to keep loving.

softpaw · 28/01/2011 17:55

tracey..what's mil?

softpaw · 28/01/2011 18:19

ok.i need to find the abbreviations guide..any help?

FranSanDisco · 28/01/2011 18:31

mil - muvver in law

softpaw · 28/01/2011 18:37

when is the best time to talk and get replies..?x

softpaw · 28/01/2011 18:39

fran,thanks..i'm not one yet,but i bet i'll be formidable!

FranSanDisco · 28/01/2011 18:41

Softpaw, do all yur training on here and then use the best of the best to wind up the daughter in laws (dil) Wink.

RunawayFishWife · 28/01/2011 19:07

Tell them both to fuck off, nasty people

KalokiMallow · 28/01/2011 19:19

OP your mum sounds like my late nan (I'd say RIP, but fuck her Hmm)
I think some people find it hard to shake off the "nice old lady" idea, and forget that being old doesn't mean you are any nicer.

Sounds like you and your DD are feeling rushed off your feet, and that she is playing you off against each other. Maybe go out for a relaxing meal with your DD and figure out a way you can work together and share the strain (or find a way of avoiding it!)

DublinMammy · 28/01/2011 19:41

God there are so many smug buggers on here trying to wind you up, OP. Ignore them, have a glass of wine and a good weekend.

brightlightsandpromise · 29/01/2011 08:54

Thankyou to those of you who didn't jump on the bandwagon to villify me. Its like someone said on one of the earlier pages - someone will jump on a thread at the first stage and decide the op is obviously scum.

I was very upset by the whole thing to be honest.

Firstly, my DD1 is a lovely girl who just happened to be as stressed as i was with my mother. So when i messaged her, she took it out on me. I admonished her about her language and she apologised and she meant it. She is a good girl, is trying to find a job (not been out of work that long tbh) and will do anything to help anyone - my mother takes the piss on this score. I refuse to justify the money thing, that is my mother's choice, she has plenty and despite my mother being a right royal pain in the arse, and she really is, she is also extremely generous and likes to help, even though in this instance i dont think it does.

As for the Jeremy kyle jibes - I have only ever watched this program one time and it was vile. An opportunity to belittle unfortunate people who are manipulated into washing their dirty linen public. If you waste your time watching such trash then it says more about you than me.

I did NOT tell my mother to fuck off, as others suggested, i did not shout at her at all. In fact i did what i always did and went and did what she didnt ask me to do. My rant was the fact that if she wants me to do something for her, then i am more than happy to help her out, but i am not a mind reader, she has to ask. I have lost count of the times offers of help are refused, you can't do that with my mum because then she gets antsi because she doesn't want to feel like she needs help, and then of course when no help is forthcoming she gets on a downer that nobody cares. I sympathise i do, but i DO have other things i have to do with my day, i work from home, albeit part time but even when i was writing up my PhD she didn't understand that i am not always available at the drop of a hat because i am at home. My mother is not a bad person either - she is generous and caring and would have battered the lof ot you if they thought you were slating me - she a bit of a rotweiller! but she is my mum and i love her, this however doesn't stop me from becoming frustrated and angry with her beyond reason.

So because i came onto mumsnet and vented my spleen in a less than coherant manner and said that my 20yo DD used the F word, i was labelled as thick scum who would be suitable entertainment for the morons who watch the jeremy kyle show to make themselves feel better about their own lives. I ranted and raved on here, not at my DD, and not at my mother.

I have learnt a valuable lesson though, it hurts to be judged so will thnk twice before i don my judgey pants in future.

brightlightsandpromise · 29/01/2011 08:58

realityisknockedup You sent me a PM yesterday but i didn't pick it up, i was pretty upset and deregistered - then got the email that you had sent it, could you send it again if you want to this name, brightlightsandpromise - thankyou xx

Changing2011 · 29/01/2011 09:02

I think the main lesson you need to learn is to read back your OP before pressing "Post"

brightlightsandpromise · 29/01/2011 09:17

And maybe changing, you need to learn a bit of humility? I have just reviewed my OP, its pretty incoherant to be honest, must have been something to do with my being angry. to type the letters WTF to my daughter? oh, someone hang me.

brightlightsandpromise · 29/01/2011 09:22

hello softpaw, did you stay around, mumsnet is great on the whole. I never really worked out why people turn round and say things either Grin I just wonder if in an argument you might turn to face the person before you let them have it with both barrels!

fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2011 09:29

Not read whole thread yet, but I think it is unacceptable for your DD to speak to you this way. You are her mother, not her mate on fb! I also think that if your mum would like some help, she ought to phone you and ask directly. This moaning to other relatives about each other has to stop.

I think you should contact them both and tell them that if they'd like you to do something, then they need to ask you, as you cannot read minds. Say that if it is possible, you will accommodate them, but if you are very busy it will have to wait, unless it's an emergency. You are not at their beck and call. They are not to moan about you to each other - it's rude and disrespectful. In return, you will not bad mouth either of them to the other one.

Agree that your DD needs to get a job.

Pancakeflipper · 29/01/2011 09:31

It's control this isn't it? Your DD currently is seen by your mother to have spare time to devote to her. And you are not currently working? So she's got you playing run-around. Walking the dog is a way into requesting 24/7. Is she lonely your mother?

When DD gets a job then It is likely to settle down after an initial hiatus. So tell her to hold on..

I am rather disappointed you are not the chav family from hell.

baskingseals · 29/01/2011 09:34

brightlights hope things have calmed down

feel for you - think the mother/daughter relationship can be a very tricky one

try not to take it all too seriously - think of the bigger picture and vent on mn, that's what it's here for, ignore all mrs perfects

sickoftheholidays · 29/01/2011 09:36

WHO THE HELL DO YOU LOT THINK YOU ARE TO JUDGE HER ANYWAY? She came on here having had a bad day, needing to talk to someone, and what do we all do? jump on her case and criticise her parenting. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
it wouldnt matter if she was the worst parent in the world she is still a human being and needing support. What the hell happened to compassion on here?
And dont give me that crap about posting in AIBU, just because its on here, it doesnt mean OP is fair game for your Friday night entertainment!

fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2011 09:39

Just read whole thread now. Sorry you've had a hard time here. I don't think you deserved it. You seem like a nice mum and a good daughter to me.

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